Did my wife cheat? Is this cheating?

[cranbers]

So my wife of 4 years with a 2 year old son, we are 26. went out this week end, all week end. Friday night she said she was just going out to a coworker/friend bday party. So she went and said she would be back late. She never came home, i called her at 8am the next morning expecting her to be dead or something, because its not like her.

 

She said sorry she should of called. So she gets home an hour later or so and asked me if I was mad I didnt say anything. So she got all upset crying and all that talking about thinking i wouldn't of even cared etc. So she says she is going shopping now. So she leaves for all day saturday and comes home in time to eat dinner at her parents house. There she asked if she could go out again that night, all night. I said sure, have fun. Now granted I was pissed and knowing she doesn't go out with her friends often i said sure no problem. So she did, she was out all night sat night as well, stayed over someone's house. This of course is not like her, first time in four years.

 

So she is supposed to come home around 11am on sunday morning. so 11:14am i get a call saying she is going shopping and she will see me that night around 5pm. So sure enough 4pm she calls me saying she will be there and etc.

 

So that night i put my son to sleep and around 11:00pm I hear her in the bed room talking to someone, about me. How i am a bad husband etc, talking about dreams and favorite songs and boob jobs and just random things like this. So I eavesdropped for about 20 mins on her conversation. I assumed it was a guy, she seemed to have worked with him.

 

So I went downstairs naturally the stairs by the room creeks so she heard me go downstairs. I then went back upstairs and went into her room to brush my teeth, just seeing what her response was. She was laying there with her hand under the covers, holding her cell phone no doubt so I wouldnt see it. Acted normal.

 

Then I left and she called him back, so I waited to hear some more conversation there was none. So I walked around acting like i was doing something outside the door because I assume she heard me evesdropping. She asked what I was doing. Then she came out of the door asking me about sweatshirts now keep in mind its 11:30 and she said she was going to bed previously. She asked me for a hug, so I hugged her and said "So what's his name?"

 

So she got all quiet and started saying hes just a friend etc. She was with him this week end etc. But she never slept with him let me explain etc. So she was with him friday night at this party and slept in the same house but nothing happened, then she hung out with him all day sat nothing happened again. Just friends she was lonely etc.

 

so anyway, even if she didn't sleep with him the fact she was with him behind my back and talking to him on the phone is that cheating? Come to find out at 3pm friday he called her cell phone she didnt tell me about the party till 4pm. So they were chatting before the party that night, almost like they were going to meet there and they did not get to know each other at the party as she led me to believe.

 

So sunday night now we talked from 12 to 2am about this situation and argued talked about our problems. So she said around 1;30am she is going to leave and she needs to think. What she needs to think about I guess is us and what to do. So she called him again after she left at 2am (I looked at her cell phone recordds monday night, she never ereased them).

 

So I don't know is it wrong for me to be pissed or accuse her of cheating? She has said he is just a friend and nothing happened.

[heloladies21]

Lying, cheating, dumping...they all stem from the same emotions and when you see one, you usually find the others. This is a downhill slope that's gonna get very steep very quick.

 

Your wife has emotionally left you and at this point there's nothing left to do but let things play out until the inevitible divorce. (unless you're willing to stick up for yourself and dump her)

[cranbers]

Nevermind I found my answer on the net here are the results:

 

Sandra, 45, a teacher in New York, meets a "totally beguiling guy" in a similar field. He helps her with a project; they start e-mailing, then phoning, having long talks over drinks. Thing is, she has a boyfriend. He has a wife. They're not having sex. Are they having an affair?

 

Yes. It's an "emotional affair," or "accidental affair," says Peggy Vaughan of link removed and author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Dealing with Affairs (Newmarket, 2003). "Emotional affairs are most likely to affect the person who would never intend to cheat."

[doyathink]

Do you believe her?

 

People dont hide there 'friends' from their partners....unless there is a reason. I've had this happen to me too...so I dont know.

 

And...if they are just friends, why didn't she invite you to go along with their 'shopping'?

[cranbers]

Those are very good points, thank you. I have no idea if they slept together or not. But from taht article I read and posted above, it is still cheating. But its called an emotional affair or accidental affair.

 

She insisted it wasn't cheating but we now know better don't we.

 

She told me she wasn't attracted to him and he is a dork etc. That it would never be sexual because she is married.

 

But I finally got her to admit that it would of turned into more eventually. she insisted that she wanted this to work. But then today when we were home from work feeding our son dinner she started yelling at me about house work etc. So yeah I didn't tolerate that too well. Who starts a dumb fight like that after what just happened less then 16 hours before?

 

Was this my fault for saying she could go out? Should I have been more controlling and tell her no you can't? Did I give her permission to go out with this guy in effect?

[candy604]

your wife says she's lonely..what does she mean? is she one of those desperate housewives sitting at home doing nothing all day?

 

you need to talk your problems out. Her guy friend needs to go and keep out of her life. I don't really believe in " oh he/she's just a friend" and hanging out one on one. Hanging out as a gorup of friends is fine, but sounds like this is serious.

 

She's obviously mad at something, but her actions of going out and talking to this new friend of hers isn't right.

 

Well i think just drop the emotional affair thing b/c it'll just make matters worth. I thikn it's just best to focus on fixing the problems in your marriage. Tell her not to talk to that guy friend as well. That's just heading into a red zone there.

[cranbers]

I guess, but we have more serious problems so its not surprising this happened. I plan on leaving her tomorrow. We had a serious heated discussion tonight and somehow she turned the tides on me.

 

How do I know she didn't sleep with him? Why would she admit that? I mean I caught her on the phone not in the bed. So who knows right. We haven't had sex in over a year anyway, so would she be tempted to? Why wouldn't she be?

[cranbers]

My wife is lonely because our marriage really does suck. We don't get along very well and she isn't able to talk to me. She just needed someone to talk to. If this was a girl friend, or a family member i could care less but she is talking smack about me with some guy who could very well be my competition or replacement.

[heloladies21]

There are some bigger problems here (sticking up for yourself, showing your true emotions) which you need to address, and sadly the time for that to happen with your wife has been over for some time. These are problems which just can't be fixed in your current condition because your emotions are involved.

[heloladies21]

Alright my man, do what you gotta do. There's a better life ahead of you.

[MacGyverRI]

Staying overnight to talk? Sounds fishy to me.

 

Counseling and a private detective to follow her, give him the phone number/s

[BellaDonna]

But she never slept with him let me explain etc. So she was with him friday night at this party and slept in the same house but nothing happened, then she hung out with him all day sat nothing happened again. Just friends she was lonely etc

 

Hi there. I suppose that is possible, although I find it to be unlikely. It makes no sense that she would need to spend the night out and sleep somewhere else. Why did she not just come home? It was also quite nervy for her to be talking to him when you were essentially right there. It's as if she could not control herself and was very compelled to talk to him. When people behave irrationaly or carelessly like that....it's usually because extreme emotion has taken over. The extreme emotion that motivated her to call him, despite the risk of you finding out, could have been in response to sex. I hate to say it.

 

I would not let her off the hook too easily for this. I think if you have any desire to stay in this marriage, that you should insist on marriage counseling. This will help to get to the roots of the problems in your marriage, to help with communucation, and also help figure out if there's indeed more to her story.

 

And I agree that while snooping is frowned upon, if it were my marriage and I suspected something like this- I would definitely hire a Private Investigator. If she is sleeping with someone- you need to know because it endangers your own sexual health if the 2 of you are not using protection (and why would you if she is your WIFE). If she is cheating physically, it puts you in danger of contracting an STD. Knowing the truth would also help in court if there was ever a divorce.

 

BellaDonna

[Bethany]

Just because she hasn't slept with him, doesn't mean that she doesn't want to or she won't in the future.

 

The VERY SECOND she felt something happening between her and this guy, she SHOULD have told you about it because that is the way that marriages work, through trust, communication and with respect for your partner.

 

If she wants this marriage to work, she needs to face up to herself and what she has done to you and your child.

[Iceman26]

Yeah she cheated. If I remember correctly from another post, she isn't having sex with you either. Everyone told you in the last post to get out of this marriage, and now this. What are you waiting for? A sign from God?

 

This marriage is not getting any prettier dude. Get out now.

[G0d]

I’m sorry for you but you have to face facts. Women in love will say and do anything to keep that feeling. The problem is she is not in love with you anymore and you can no longer believe anything she tells you. Get a good lawyer now don’t wait. The best defense is a good offence.

[annie24]

oh, i remember your other post, about how you two never have sex..... I think it is all adding up. She isn't having sex with you, because she is upset at some of the things you do and say, has contempt for you, and now she is confiding in this "friend." I am sorry to say this, I think your marriage is falling apart and if you two don't intervene and get counseling and back on track, this will end in a divorce shortly.

 

EDIT: I agree with bella, hire a PI. I also find her story about "no sex" unlikely. I agree with bella's assessment. But even if there wasn't sex this week, she may sleep with him sometime in the very near future.

[Iceman26]

I’m sorry for you but you have to face facts. Women in love will say and do anything to keep that feeling. The problem is she is not in love with you anymore and you can no longer believe anything she tells you. Get a good lawyer now don’t wait. The best defense is a good offence.

 

See? I told you to wait for a sign from G0d and here it is.

[doyathink]

See? I told you to wait for a sign from G0d and here it is.

 

I thought that was rather great timing also....lol

 

She isn't going to tell you about her indiscretions, you will have to find them out for yourself.....of just assume she is telling you the truth.

 

But...as the others have already stated, if you plan on staying in this marriage...counseling may be in order.

[MacGyverRI]

oh, i remember your other post, about how you two never have sex..... I think it is all adding up.

 

AH HA! I remember that post, Well, she apparently is getting it from the friend, yes it all adds up now.

 

Get a PI, then nail her in divorce court.

[yeawutever]

Agree with what the other posters say. Sadly there's way more to her "just friends, no nothing" story and she won't confess it all until either he find out for yourself or she is caught red-handed.

[cranbers]

Well today we talked about the situation. She still insists he is just a friend. That she needs friends and she doesn't get along with women. He is divorced so they talk about things like that. She said nothing happened this week end and insists on that.

 

But then to top it off she asks me if its ok if she has lunch with this guy this week and if she is still ok to see him. She just doesn't get it. She thinks that this past week end was fine, she was doing nothing wrong and being with another man all week was perfectly fine. Because she needs a friend and he makes her feel like a human being.

 

yeah I know ive been kind of asking for all this. Lots of you have seen my other posts and what more do i need is right?

 

I talked to her parents today for several hours about all this. Their opinnion is that we should work it out naturally, go to counseling.

 

I mean I honestly don't know how to take this. I mean being a man at 26 I know what it feels like to be cheated on.

 

I mean she just doesn't get it. She doesn't see the issues or problems with what she did last week that it was ok and justified and innocent. I mean she is asking me if she can still hang out with this guy, I mean it is her co worker.

 

 

 

I don't know I realize lots of people, well everyone thinks I should just leave her. Today i was ready to get an apartment but her parents convinced me to wait and get counseling and if that fails then by all means.

 

I just don't see counseling helping this situation. She is stubborn and isn't exactly thinking rationally. I mean who thinks it would be ok for their spouse to have a friend of the opposite sex to talk **** about them? She tells me my sister, talking to her is just as bad. That if her having this guy friend is such a bad thing, then me talking to my sister is not ok either

 

Naturally I tried to tell her simply that if it was a girl friend or a family member I could care less, but its a man, who is single (divorced actually) and she spent the week end around him. Then there is conversation about how this guy is like me, bald same characteristics etc.

 

I need to know that talking to my sister about our situation was not the same thing as she claims. She thinks me talking to a family member about the situation and what course of action I should take was cheating. Is that rational thinking? She hates my sister and I had to talk to her behind her back. I guess that is where she is making a comparison, but emotional cheating with a family memeber, come on. I mean am I missing something? Or is she turning this into something else to distract me?

[Rabican]

Shes cheating. The question is physical, or emotional, or both.

 

The more I read these posts, and the more I think about them, the less forgiving I get, the more black and white, the more straightforward....

 

Handle it like this.

 

Option 1.

Approach her, and tell her she has two choices. End contact with this other guy, now, no ifs ands or buts, no second chances, no excuses nothing. call him, while you stand there and tell him that they are no longer friends. Period.

You can then work on fixing your relationship.

 

Option 2.

She doesnt want to avoid this guy like the plague, and you file for divorce.

 

Its really that simple.

[Rabican]

Just tell her its over bro, man up!!

 

Either she loses this guy, and comes to see the light, or its all over and done with. Dont even bother with counseling until that guy is gone.

[cranbers]

Shes cheating. The question is physical, or emotional, or both.

 

The more I read these posts, and the more I think about them, the less forgiving I get, the more black and white, the more straightforward....

 

Handle it like this.

 

Option 1.

Approach her, and tell her she has two choices. End contact with this other guy, now, no ifs ands or buts, no second chances, no excuses nothing. call him, while you stand there and tell him that they are no longer friends. Period.

You can then work on fixing your relationship.

 

Option 2.

She doesnt want to avoid this guy like the plague, and you file for divorce.

 

Its really that simple.

 

She has said if its a problem she won't see him anymore. But then she throws out a guilt trip. Then I will just be lonely again.... Your saying I can't have friends. Am i saying that? I guess I am in a way. But the last thing I want is to be a controlling guy like that.

[Rabican]

See? I told you to wait for a sign from G0d and here it is.

 

Ya I actually laughed out loud when I saw that post. There it is cranbers, a sign from god LITERALLY. Its time to get out now.