The ONLY way to get her back is........

[GoingForIt_77]

The way I see it is these GRAND gestures sometimes work, but NOT if it seems like it's a grand gesture where you declare your undying love for them. That NEVER flies after a breakup (a real break-up...longer than a day) occurs.

 

If you want her back things must hapen first:

 

1. You must dive into NC for the time being. Make yourself invisible to her in EVERY aspect. No reminder of you will make her remember you on her own time, without you having to remind her and what will happen is that over time, she will start to remember the good times. She may not be thinking of you every day, but when she does, the bad and hurt thoughts will become lighter and her pain and possible anger will diminish, putting you in a better position to:

 

2. Re-establish contact, BUT, before you do that, you must take this time to work on you and let her do what she has to do for herself, ie: Go out with friends, go out on dates, etc...None of that should matter to you during this time. What should matter to you is that she left you for a reason. Understand what that reason is and deal with it. Deal with YOU. Get stronger, grow more independent, emotionally detach yourself and start using your head, because you'll need it when you feel the time is ready to re-initiate contact with her and when you do, this is what should happen:

 

3. You come accross as VERY non-threatening. Take into account that her WALL (her defenses) will be up! They won't be as high as they were immediately after the break-up, but they still will be up and if she has ANY love left in her heart for you, she WILL be testing you left, right and center, to see if you REALLY have changed. You must not show her that you are angling to get her back, or that you love her and have been miserable without her. NO WAY!!!!!!!!!! You must be calm, aloof, VAGUE (don't elaborate on much, which is mysterious). Do not aprise her to what YOU'VE been doing to get better, or how much YOU'VE changed. It will all be perceived by her as you wanting to get back together with her and you are looking for a way to do it and that will scare her OFF FAST. You have to be a friend with confidence. The mere fact of you calling will show her that you still care, but you have to SHOW her in not so much what you say, but how you say it, that she is talking with the NEW you and not the one she left. Don't try and push for more contact at that point. The whole point is to go in, take the short period of time to show her stuff she didn't think possible and then PULL OUT and back off for another 1-2 weeks and it will REALLY get her notice and during that time she will be thinking about you 24/7, so that when you do go back in to give a little more without asking for anything, she will be THAT much more receptive to you and MAY in time start looking forward to having contact with you and it CAN progress from there. It's all about lowering her defenses with you and then making her trust you again and then making her feel good and then making her feel great. It's all about taking her through a progression of feelings.. It's all about how you make her feel, but for now, you must take care of YOU, otherwise, you will never be able to take care of her needs when the time comes for you to be able to do so, if that time ever does come. Nothing is impossible, but you DO increase your chances if you do all that is outlined in here...

 

Lastly, if in fact your ex is with someone else when you make contact, you have to show acceptance of this and support her. It's the only way. NO more reacting based on how YOU feel. That will go NOWHERE with her. It never will.

 

Never give up without one last fight.

 

Peace,

 

 

Dan

[itsallgrand]

LOL. Men and their strategies.

 

Amazing! The lengths people will go to.

 

Interesting post though. Was this tried, tested and true by you?

[elithepi]

LOL. Men and their strategies.

 

Amazing! The lengths people will go to.

 

Interesting post though. Was this tried, tested and true by you?

 

Well, it'sa lot kinder than this post by a female.....which isn't laughable at all.

 

 

[GoingForIt_77]

Yes, it does WORK and it should not be regarded as being manipulative. It's understanding the human psyche and understanding WHY we fall in love with people and WHY we fall out of love and HOW we CAN fall back in love with the same person again.

 

What should be understood is that there must be a progression for this to happen.

 

Healing oneself takes time and time is a funny little thing, because it tends to make us start looking at things differently. We start to see the good in time, when we are NOT reminded by the bad that existed at one point.

 

I'll give a baseball analogy I once gave on here about 3 years ago. In baseball the batter has three swings and if we doesn't hit the ball with those 3 chances, then he strikes out and THAT'S IT. NOW, in the real world, in regards to feelings (which are dynamic and NOT concrete), the batter may strike out, but what most don't realize is that you get to keep swinging. Now, if you use the same stance and swing your bat in the same exact way, you will continue to strike out, BUT, if you see what isn't working, you have to step back and analyze your actions and then rest your arms a little bit (get stronger) and then go back in with a fresh outlook and a new game (without it being one) and guess what, you may just end up hitting that ball further than you ever thought possible. That ball wants to be hit (always has). You have to understand though that if you panic and get frustrated and start forcing it, that you will lose your composure and you will continue to strike out. Step back (there is NO CLOCK HERE) and re-gain your composure and try again.

 

Most people on here give up and just put the bat down and walk off the field and say I guess I never will hit the ball and that it's out of reach. What most don't see is that it IS possible. There are ex's who put restraining orders on their ex's and who later get married. You can't be scared to strike out. It is that fear of striking out that makes you keep missing your target.

 

Much like re-approaching your ex after some time. Your ex may not make it easy on you. She wanted to be hit. She kept putting herself out there and is just as, if not more apprehensive that you just don't have it takes to hit the mark anymore, but if she SEES and FEELS that you can and NOT by telling her you can, because that won't go anywhere with her, but actually sees how you step up to the plate with a new found confidence. A confidence that she once saw in you, before she lost faith. You also can't go in, with an "I'm going for a grand slam here", because you will scare her off and she will run away. She will give you the famous Heisman. All you have to do is pay attention to HER feelings and go at it slowly and take your time. It's all a progression. You have to go through ALL the motions before you can expect to get that ball out of the field.

[itsallgrand]

Hmm.

 

Well, are all these schemes necessary and healthy? To be thinking and living that much in accord with one desire to get a person back?

 

Life is simpler when you just let things be. Broken up is broken up. Sucks. No kidding.

 

But if I found out my ex had plotted like that in hopes of getting me back, to tell the truth, I would be freaked out.

 

Wouldn't you? It is a bit obsessive, eh.

[GoingForIt_77]

No, it's NOT. You're telling me that there wasn't a seduction from the start? You're telling me that you just fell in love with him in a day, because he had green eyes? NO. It's all about seduction. This is NOT with the intent to manipulate someone in coming back to you.

 

Having the mentality that if it's over, then it's over is a sad way of thinking. It's giving up on someone or something that once meant the world to you. If you merely fell out of love with him because he was boring, then fine, but if certain things happened that hurt you, but you still loved him and he actually took the time to work on himself and wanted to re-approach you down the line, as a new and improved and wiser man, who still had feelings for you and played it smart this time, taking into account YOUR feelings and not only HIS, then how is this manipulative?

 

Everything in life is a game. If it wasn't then we would all be winners.

[elithepi]

The way I see it is.....It's advice not to allow the panic of a sudden break up get the best of the dumpee.

The first thing a dumpee is thinking is, "How to get them back."

And if the dumpee allows emotions to control behaviour, THAT will come accross as obsessive and "freak out" the dumper.

It's a tool to allow the dumpee to regain composure and allow logic to rule.

And it's to allow hope without hope interfering.

Nine times out of ten if the dumpee does not start NC immediately, they will make a freak out of themselves by whining and pining.

And a couple to three months down the road, they will kick themselves for being such a poopy pants.

So.....if nc i started from day one and continues for six to eight weeks, during that time the dumpee will probably not care as much for the dumper and begin to realize that the dumper is a jerk for dumping them and by successfully applying NC, the dumpee never reinforces any justification for the break up by the dumper.

This thread is basic common sense and not a conspiriatory plot by the dumpees on the dumpers.

Because, initial reaction to the idea of NC by the dumpee is, "I can't do that, they will forget about me, boo hoo, I gotta call." Then they call and make themselves look foolish, clingy, insecure, no life having,pathetic.

It really isn't about getting back together. It is about healing.

But if you want to make sure you never get back together....Do exactly the opposite of what this thread says.

 

And forget about boyfriend/girlfriend....

I was dumped recently and I crapped all over everything. Couldn't stand the idea of NC.

 

But...a couple weeks ago a 'friend" really did me wrong and it's been over two weeks now and I have YET to even think about calling them.

No matter what the situation be it, intimate relationships or just friendly relationship....when someone is hurt, it takes time and space for any healing to happen and when the healing occurs then reconciliation can then be considered.

[Bethany]

The truth of the matter is there is NO sure way of getting her back. The decision to get back together is hers and hers alone and there is NOTHING you can do about it.

 

The best you and everyone else can do is accept that it wasn't meant to be, and that she has moved on. Then start rebuilding your life, learn from your mistakes and move on yourself.

 

If you do those things, if and when she decides that she wants you back, by then you see that she was NOT the one who took your pain away and made you complete and happy, YOU WERE.

 

Life really does go on without them, you know. But ONLY when you accept and let go.

[GoingForIt_77]

Bethany, you are like many people out there who believe what society tells you that if it was "meant to be, then it will be" and that if the dumper loves you enough, THEY will be the one to re-establish contact with the dumpee.

 

You know, the facts are just not so. The dumper for the most part will NOT contact the dumpee on their own, IF infact the dumpee does the opposite of what I outlined over here. Actually, the dumper won't even contact the dumpee if he or she does pull back and goes into NC.

 

The DUMPEE for the most part messed up and yes, the dumpee cannot convince the dumper to go back with them. That's sad and pathetic and will NEVER work.

 

What the dumpee can do is realize their mistakes and what they did that contributed to pushing away the dumper. Now, the dumpee can continue to push away the dumper post-breakup and MOST do through their insecure actions, when all their thinking about is how could they leave me? How dare they? I have to get them back, so I'll declare my undying love and try and FORCE them to see things MY WAY, because MY WAY should be there way. It's all about ME ME ME...

 

Well, I'd say about 90% + of dumpees have that mentality and they end up making things MUCH worse. They end up coming on here after they have freaked out and turned off their ex's even more and start saying that it's TOO late and it's over and that they are NEVER coming back.

 

You see, the reality is that there are two people who go for job interviews. Those who go in, do their best (or maybe not even), leave and hope, or even expect the employer to call THEM and tell them they have the job and if they don't, they just write it off saying that it just wasn't meant to be I guess. I'll just apply elsewhere. Then there are those people who go in to the interview and walk out, not expecting them to call them back. Maybe they are hoping they will, but are not expecting them to and in some cases the employer MAY if they were impressed enough, or are in need (desperate in some cases), but lets just say they don't. Well, this second type of person will call back in a week or two and NOT put pressure on them and say "listen, do I have the job or not. I NEED to know where I stand". If they do that, they will NOT get the job. The smart person, will call and say hi and just ask non-threateningly if there is any feedback. They will show they are interested, without showing too much interest.

 

I am of the latter kind. Many of you are from the former.

 

I AM respecting my ex now. I have not forced her from the moment she broke up with me to change her mind. I have shown complete and utter acceptance. I am now giving her the "space" she requested. She requested space and NOT for me NEVER to call her again, because I was understanding and did NOT impose MY feelings onto her and now, I heal and allow her to do the same thing, but that employer WILL be getting a call from me in the future and that employer will still have the free-will to say they are either not interested, or they will reconsider. I am just looking to re-earn her trust is all. I am NOT, nor will I will forcing her to do so.

[ManOfPlans]

I'm with GoingForIt on this one. An understanding of human psychology and the nature of attraction not only forces you to look at things from a different mindset and thus diffuse some of the reactive emotions, it gives you the best possible chance you have and this knowledge may well be reflected in your actions - confidence.

[Bethany]

Ok put it this way...Don't you think that if one person has found the answer it would only take one visit to a site like this and "wayhey, finally the answer!!!" then the guy would spread the word, success would spread rapidly through the world, marriage guidance would no longer have any work, divorce courts would have brushwood whistling through the corridors, families would not be split up. Men, women and their childrens would no longer come from broken homes and there would be NO more broken hearts and everyone would live happpiliy ever after?

 

We all say to those lost as what to do.. follow your heart, listen to your heart etc. And so they should.

 

By the time the dumper lets you know how they feel, emotionally and deep inside they have made the decision alone, ok they may come back having felt that it was the wrong decision but it will be NOTHING that YOU said or did, it was something that they FELT inside their heart and you CANNOT MAKE someone feel something in their heart.ALl you can do is give them the space to discover whether that something is still inside their heart or not... That is the truth of it.

[itsallgrand]

GoForIt,

 

You have valid insight, and I do see what you are saying. If it helps you, it has a good possibility of helping someone else who can relate to much of it.

 

I'm truly not arguing with you about this, as I think both us can be 'right'.

Different ways of doing things.

 

For myself, healing has only taken place as I have given up hope. Just letting it all go.

I now see things from perspectives I never would have entertained so long as I helt any! desire or hopes for reconcillation.

 

Taking it at face value has been valuable to me. I tend to overanalysis.

 

I personally think neither or both approaches can be taking into account human pyschology and such. My way doesn't ignore how things work, or the fact that seduction does take place.

I simply propose that I don't need to worry about it much at all.

[GoingForIt_77]

Bethany, if you want to make someone FEEL something different, you have to SHOW them something different. Something they are not expecting to see and the watch what happens. It's actually quite interesting.

 

Look, my Uncle injured me tremendously a year ago. His wife (my aunt) died around that time. It was difficult for everyone involved (especially him). I had called him up to check in on him in February-March and he ended up saying some really hurtful things to me. I asked him to stop and he didn't. I ended up telling him that I no longer want anything to do with him and HU on him. He called me back right away crying. He called me the next day apologizing and crying, telling me how sorry he was and you know what, if I would have called him back right away (I did feel bad because he had JUST lost his wife to brain cancer), and if I would have forgiven him (he had done this before to me), he would gone back to his old ways with me shortly there after and SO, I cut him out of my life COMPLETELY. When he was in town and would call me, I did NOT answer. My family told me he wasn't doing too well and I should call him. I did NOT. I refused to. The hurt was FAR too great and my own self-respect told me NO WAY and that I had to protect myself and that I didn't deserve to be talked to the way he talked to me,

 

AND SO, time went by. I did NOT call him and he did NOT call me. He did NOT call me. He did NOT call me. He seemed to be respecting me. HE was doing NC.

 

Guess what happened? Well, over time, I started asking myself why he didn't call me? I started thinking maybe that HE no longer wanted to talk to me. I started asking my gf (my now ex) what I should do. I even told her that maybe I was TOO hard on him and that would HE be receptive to me if I called him. I told her that I missed him and I even asked my mother if HE asked about ME ever...

 

This went on for several months (9 months to be exact) and December 4th (his b-day), I CALLED HIM.

 

YES, I vowed to NEVER have any contact with him EVER again. I told myself that he was never going to hurt me again and that I was worth more than that, BUT, something changed. Time and NC changed things in my head. When he started to respect me and my decision, I started to remember the good and the bad didn't seem as important to have to hold onto anymore and SO, my FEELINGS changed.

 

To say that our ex's cant, well, that's just NOT true.

 

If my Uncle would have not immediately apologized to me and then left it alone, I don't think I would have been so inclined to wanting to re-establish anything with him. His apology AT THE TIME meant NOTHING to me. I didn't want it to. I wanted to HOLD onto WHAT he did to me for deal life, but that apology resonated with time and his sheer ABsense from my life made me see things and HIM differently and I forgave him. Are things the same between him and I today? Well, not really, because he doesn't try that hard. If he did, I would be closer to him.

 

My point is, if you hurt your ex (the way I did) and she left you because of that and if you showed remorse IMMEDIATELY and did NOT try and convince her to stay with you and impose YOUR NEEDS and YOUR FEELINGS on her. If you backed off and went into NC, THIS type of action will have a PROFOUND effect on her in time. It really will. I promise that. Feelings change. We can screw it all up by KILLING all chances, by giving them NO space and continuing to exert our own wants and needs on them, until they are SO fed up with you post break-up that they get to the point of telling you to NEVER contact them again and you know what? They want to say that. They want to not feel so damn guilty for walking out on us. They want you to help them to justify to themselves that they WERE RIGHT in leaving you. Remember that. DON'T.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

From going through your last thread and seeing this new thread, all I can say is that instead of focusing on her and ultimately getting back with her, why not focus on YOU and YOU alone. By obsessing about her and figuring out how much of a time frame constitutes NO CONTACT before re-initiating contact is really defeating the whole purpose of NO CONTACT. You are not healing yourself...you are just filling in the time between now and when YOU deem it is acceptable to contact her. You may be giving her space right now, but your whole thought process is on how you will ultimately cause her to lose that space that she needs. One month is not enough time for her to heal from the damage you have caused her. You don't seem to really get just how badly she is damaged from your relationship. One month is not long enough to recover from an abusive relationship. This is not a job interview, this is a real person who has been emotionally scarred. Leave her be. It is not that people on this board are naysayers...some people do get back with their exes....however, in your case it is a situation of abuse and she is scared of you. That is a whole different ballgame than someone who needed space because the relationship got boring. The abusive mindset is still very much in you...that is obvious by the things you are writing....you are not really accepting the situation as it is because if you were, you would not even be planning contact so quickly.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you are setting yourself up for a bigger hurt by using this time to focus on strategies to get her back, when you should be focusing on strategies that heal you and ensure that you learn new behaviors that do not involve forcing control on someone else, rage attacks when you do not get your way, and manipulations when you realize that the overt forms of control are not getting you what you want, so you switch to covert 'strategies' to 'make her' take you back. you own words many times is you are going to 'make her' do this or that or trust you.

 

stop for a minute and recognize that you are still planning strategies to try to control her emotions and behavior, although you have softened your approach. your strategy now should be focusing totally on yourself and your own recovery, and leaving her alone to do the same.

 

you of course will contact her down the road because you have already convinced yourself that that is what you should do. but please spend time working on other acceptable scenarios to go forward with your life that don't include her, because odds are very high that she is moving on. just don't set yourself up for that pain please, keep your life open to healing and meeting new friends for yourself, just like she is doing.

[GoingForIt_77]

WRONG.

 

I am getting stronger now for ME. I am explaining a philosophy. One must be open to it.

 

I surround myself by posoitive people, who can grasp these concepts.

 

I am NOT blind to my situation.

 

Guess What? I just did weights and made myself lunch and I haven't even checked her Facebook.

 

I smiled just before.

 

I am remembering ME and am NOT setting myself up for ANYTHING.

 

I am sharing wisdom. I am NOT giving anyone false hope. I am trying to understand what most the people on here WANT (not need, but want) and I am telling them that there is a chance for that to happen and this is the way to NOT mess up any chances they "MAY" have.

 

I am trying to say that people don't stay mad or hurt FOREVER and most people on here feel it's TABOO to call up our ex's after some time has passed. It is NOT taboo. In most cases, it is the ONLY way to re-establish contact and SHOW them the NEW you, if infact you have been working on bettering yourself during NC.

[bubbles07]

hey goingforit, I understand where you are coming from and I can see that you desperately want her back in your life but I can tell you that whatever you do to try getting her back will not work. She has to make the decision on her own. Whatever you do will only push her away. For example my girl cousin was dating this guy for 4 years. They were deeply in love and they would talk about getting married all the time. Anyways one day she found out he was married the whole time they were together. This caused her great pain and she couldn't stand to be in the relationship anymore. She still loved him soo much and wanted to stay with him but she realized the relationship wasn't healthy. (she still talks about it to this day). Well that guy ended up divorcing his wife and making all these changes in his life to try to please my cousin. He would call her once a week and try to talk to her to lower her guard and in the process he would hint about stuff that he changed. (kinda of like your strategy). After the phone calls she would just feel more anger and resentment and he just ended up pushing her more and more away. So he intiated NC hoping that it would give her time to think. He calls her 4 months later and tried talking to her as friend, never once bringing up the relationship, even though she still loved him deeply, the amount of pain he caused her during the relationship made her never ever want to go back into it with him. They never did end up getting back together and now they are both married to different people.

 

No matter what you try doing, or how hard you try, you can not change her mind man, she has to change it on her own. I know from reading from other threads of yours that you are just trying to hard and concentrating on her rather than yourself. Concentrate on yourself and it is true that if its meant to be it'll be. Let her contact you, don't contact her because you don't know whens the right time to call her. Only she does. When she is ready and feels like she can talk to you, she will. How do you know that you won't just end up calling her on a bad day where she is remembering all the bad things you did to her. She will just tell you to get out of her life and that will hurt you even more. Just let it be. If she wants to talk to you, she will call you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

people may not always stay mad or hurt forever, but they also may have made a rational decision that a person they broke up with is not the person for them, and never will be, no matter what that other person does. this is where the expression 'been there, done that' comes from... some people just decide going down the same road again is something they don't want to do. they may find someone else they bond with better, or they may decide there is too much bad water over the bridge, or may decide they just want something new and different in their lives.

 

you are assuming that if she distances herself from you for a while, that her feelings of love may stay the same and be re-ignited, whereas most likely they have already burned out. that is why people practice NC, because yes, there is a *tiny* chance you might re-unite, but when the relationship has been abusive and one partner is terrified, those chances are even tinier.

 

so i think most people here are trying to help you open your mind to the probability that she will not want to reunite with you as a partner, and that using NC as a strategy to try to get her back might be disappointing to you when you do make that contact again.

 

of course it is your choice, and you could turn into a better person in a million ways in the interim, but she may just not be interested in that, going over that ground again with you, when she feels it is better for her to move on.. working on yourself is GREAT to help with your next relationship, with someone else, who doesn't have the same negative history with you.

[GoingForIt_77]

Bubbles, I am left to believe that you have not read a single word I have written. Sorry.

 

NOTHING about me right now, or about my actions, or desires are DESPERATE.

 

I was NOT frantic or desperate with her when she left me. That's what many of you are failing to grasp. I handled it well and am still doing so.

 

Also, more proof of you not having read a single word I have written here is that I have NOT ONCE tried to change her mind...lol. NOR will I ever try to!

 

I don't want to repeat myself, because it's a bit draining and not worth it to be honest. I am not trying to win over people here.

 

I am allowed to have HOPE. You call it false hope. I call it hope.

 

I will NEVER be able to force her to love me. In fact, her love didn't die. That is NOT the reason why she left me. HER EXACT WORDS VERBATIM.

 

I am working on ME now and I am also trying to help other on here to see where they are going wrong. You will always find skeptics on sites and always find people who feel jaded and are bitter.

 

You see, I have NO anger towards my ex and that is WHY I have respected her since post-break-up. If it was all about me, I would STILL be contacting, pleading, crying, begging, showing her how I can't survive without her. All the things people do who do NOT think of their ex's feelings at the moment of break-up and thereforeeee either make it 1000000 times harder on them to re-establish contact at a later date, or all out kill their chances for good.

[GoingForIt_77]

Be Strong I LOVE how you can say that my ex will probably NOT reunite with me. I will NOT accept YOUR reality as my own.

 

You know, many people on here (probably most) have burned all bridges with their ex POST-breakup and that's a FACT.

 

You all think the test ends when the ex leaves you and says no more. Well, in many ways one large test has ended, but there is another test occurring post-breakup. YES, that is a FACT and most people don't even see that. WHY? Because they focus on imposing THEIR views, beliefs, desires, wants and NEEDS on the one who just left them.

 

I used to ALWAYS do that post break-up and guess what that got me? An irrate girl who told me off and said NEVER call me again EVER and they always felt justified in doing so. They lost a lot of respect and trust for me during the break-up and that's why they left, but they lost even more after the break-up.

 

My current ex WILL think of the bad things I did to her during the course of the relationship. She will also look at the good. She will then examine what did he do when I left him? Well, he apologized, was sympathetic. He's going for help. He respected me and I rewarded him in a sense with, "I need a little bit of space, but I can't promise anything". That's FAR different then what most of the people on here get when they FORCE their needs on their ex's and act helpless.

[Bethany]

Family and romantic love are two different things. You felt in your heart that you should not ignore your family, after all you are blood related. But your ex ISN'T you and you aren't family. You messed up, and she dumped you and moved on.

 

And I know it's hard and if I DID have that plan that would get her to come back to you, believe me I WOULD give it to you. But some things you have to accept because if you don't, you end up on some site writing out a plan of action on how to get back their ex's when you that the decision is out of your hands. See what I mean?

 

Yes you can play the NC game, until you are blue in the face, but you are doing the wrong type of NC. You are better off using NC for acceptance, letting go and healing yourself than as some grand plan to win her back.

 

If she wants you back, she knows where you are and where to find you.... Even you can't argue with that?

[GoingForIt_77]

Bethany, really, we are NOT talking about romantic love, friendship, family, etc... We are talking about human nature.

 

I talk to you in more complex and abstract theories and you use basid and simplistic concepts that reflect your personal thoughts.

 

You are the individual who will go to a job interview and will WAIT for them to call you and if they don't, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

She knows where to find me, right? That's great. WHY in the WORLD would she call me not knowing if my professional help is helping, or if I will fall apart or be strong? Her not wanting to put HERSELF out there, NOT KNOWING if the guy she were to call is the guy she left, or the guy she fell in love with, who has since improved himself.

 

I HURT HER! Why would she call ME?? THEY DON'T. That is the mental block so many of you have. You have to fight for what you want in this world. Any direct move or declaration of your feelings for them will kill all chances, but approaching them after some time, in an indirect and non-threatening manner, while SHOWING them with your actions, versus TELLING them with words that you are a better man since they left, CAN change the way they feel. It may not right away. It may take some time. It may never change.

 

Again, I cannot convince you to go against what society tells you to think. You will think what you think and I can't change that. I don't want to.

 

DUMPERS for the most part do NOT initiate contact. If the dumpee after some time has passed and if they are stronger and have learned to control their emotions CAN contact the dumper. That for the most part is the ONLY way to re-establish contact.

 

IT CAN and DOES work. Not always, but if you have doubt, then don't try. Simple as that.

[GoingForIt_77]

In the meantime I am living my life and am getting stronger at the same time. No ONE can take that away from me.

[thescrubby1]

I have to agree with GoingForIt... I'm lost in my own troubles, but I do believe that if you have improved upon the person that you once were and can accept the reality of things, not having the same wants as the ex right now, that you have to fight for what you want... Personally I don't want to ask myself in a few years, "what if ....." I don't say fight as in trying to convince someone of something, but as in try to make things work... And if they don't well you tried... You grew as a person in the process too... I see it as a win win situation... Like GoingForIt say, you have to accept the situation first and improve yourself, and then try... If all goes well you are a better person and have the one you love back in your life... If not, well you are still a better/stronger/wiser person...

[GoingForIt_77]

Scrubby, that's EXACTLY what I'm saying.

 

For the moment, don't revolve your future plans around your ex, because they aren't doing that with you anymore.

 

Right now your future is in YOUR hands and what you want to make of it.

 

It's this kind of wisdom I used to share with her and it did help her to find a new and better job (which she starts in a week and a half), as well as having a better relationship with 3 family members of hers. That can't be denied.

 

I still have that power within me and that will always be within me.

 

Right now she is taking care of herself and part of that may be her trying to find someone else to do it for her. I don't know, but more importantly, I don't have any control over that, or over her and never should have. That was MY mistake.

 

I've learned over the years, through trial and error that one should NEVER beg, plead or lower themselves, or have to prove themselves to someone else, of their own worth. If you have a serious fault/flaw/issue that pushes away the one you love, to the point that they had NO choice but to leave you, then you MUST work on it and get rid of it. Your ex could NOT live with it. They may have loved you and it may have hurt them to leave, but if they did, you MUST still carry on and work on it and on YOU.

 

What ex's feel they leave behind is an aspect/side of our personality that they could no longer tolerate or overlook and we should not have expected them to.

 

How could they stuck around while we were like this? It wasn't healthy for either one of us. How could you have expected them to?

 

And so, they left for a reason. NOW, there is a HUGE thing here to consider and that being the reason they left us has NOTHING to do with the reason why they for the most part STAY AWAY.

 

If you accept the break-up. If you show you understand WHY they are doing it. If you don't push them into reconsidering and showing them how selfish you are and how WEAK you are, then they MAY not stay away forever, unless they are with someone else. If they leave you and try and move on and meet someone else right away (possibly what my ex is now doing) or shortly there after, that should NEVER be a reason to speed up the process of re-establishing contact. You must let them do what they feel they need to do for themselves.

 

I know the fear of rejection is always present and most of you (including myself) may be scared at the thought of calling your ex up in the future (in weeks or months). You feel that you will be doing the wrong thing and perhaps even tresspassing on unwanted grounds, but that's not the case.

 

IF you were to persist immediately after the breakup and NOT give them any room to breathe and FORCE yourself on them, then THAT is WRONG, but backing off and going back in at a later time, when you have made strides within your life and within yourself, is okay and you should not feel bad in doing so.