The ONLY way to get her back is........

[niceguy79]

Going for it rocks I have changed my behaviors of post-break-up towards my ex and at the same time I have never lost hope. It is the behavior of our emotions that push them away and if you just chillax and keep those feelings inside for a bit but never lose hope you may be surprised at the results you get from your ex. There is no reason my ex and I should even have a phone convo but we do everyday she has told me her need for space I give it to her now and everyday without fail she calls me and we talk about the possibility of working it out one day down theline. We are both just at different points in our lives right now and I think it takes one slowing down to let the other catch up. Everyone on here has this sudden sense of urgency within 3 hours of a break-up we live in a fast paced society where we eat fast-food and live on credit cards.........why? Because everyone wants it NOW!! Just chillax!! Do you really think that its not possible to get back together with someone after them being a part of your routine everyday and a shoulder to laugh or cry on? It is possible but it is only possible if you stop being a Freak and give your ex space and time to think and stop wanting it NOW.........If you love the person you will give them this and you wont lose hope and I hear everything going for it says its right on and you deserve some credit man...............Chillaxxxxxxxxx...

[GoingForIt_77]

Thanks my man. I hear what your saying too .

 

I definitely had that want it all now attitude and guess what? My ex does too and that's why she's been hitting her facebook account hard.

 

Sure, I'm hitting Enotalone hard and yeah, it's therapeutic, but it doesn't EVER replace HER, nor will those girls and GUYS she's asking out.

 

I'm envious that your ex is calling you everyday nice guy. I really am. I'm sure you didn't hurt and scare her as much as I did my ex. I would kill to have her call me, email me, or just plain do ANYTHING at all right now, but in a way, I'm glad she's not, because I DO NEED this time for ME. I need to distance myself from the pain we both descended into, so that I can come out stronger.

 

I think she knew the strength I had within me was real. I don't fully know anymore if she believes that I CAN kick this crutch I relied on for far too long, which only kept me back, or if she even cares if I do, but I am strong and stronger than she may know.

 

No, I'm not "aiming" for her and no, I'm not planning my future around her anymore (not since 10 days ago). I'm now planning my future around ME and I would still love to share it with her.

 

Space and time isn't the only thing ingredients in the recipe that will make them want to give their heart another chance with us. It takes more than just that. Yes, it's frustrating knowing that we never had to work THIS hard to get them to want to be with us and love us. They did it on their own, because they wanted to, even when we didn't want them to, but now it's different. The situation most of us are in, is because of our own doing and we have to ACCEPT that. We have to let go of holding on and trying to control the outcome, but it doesn't mean we have to fully let go of them. I'm not.

[Bethany]

I talk to you in more complex and abstract theories and you use basid and simplistic concepts that reflect your personal thoughts.

 

You are the individual who will go to a job interview and will WAIT for them to call you and if they don't, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

Its because it is basic and simplistic....

If you mess up, you apologise and do your best to put things right. If they don't want you after that then you accept that you messed up, and you learn from it, heal and move on, and that goes through every level of life.

 

I hope you get the girl, I really do and I hope she comes back not because of any tactic you have used but because her heart told her to, so good luck anyway.

 

And btw, and this is not a lie....at every job interview I've been to I've always got the job so I wouldn't really know.

[GoingForIt_77]

I've never had a hard time getting the job. I just can't keep it. Boy do I want this job back.

 

Anyways, I hear what you're saying, but apologies only go so far, when they are overused. People need to see action and not trust words. She stopped trusting me and that's the bottom line. Can I re-earn her trust again? I don't know.

 

I know she has an active life now since Monday on her chat line she created and a single one too I believe. That is making me see the reality of the situation and it is making me stronger in that I am now lying in the bed that I made.

 

I will not try and scheme her back in. When I do contact her, I will be me. Just a more grown up and logical me, who has learned his lesson and would still like to have her in my life. It will be her choice at that point.

 

I just want her to see that I am now respecting her in more ways than she may realize and that's what she deserves.

[TWIS7ER]

I am really confused and don't know what to think about this. I mean I see both points.

 

I can say this though. The Dumper it the only one that controls what happens. I mean, I think that if the Dumpee is doing the NC thing. and several days go buy that the Dumper will not contact you, Because they have had time to think of all the possible scenarios. such as can he change? Is It worth it? and they begin to be firm on the decision they made. and as the days go by they are also gaining strength and reaffiming that there decision was correct. They get stronger about themselves and learn to go on with everyday life without you in it. It makes there decision down the road alot easier whether you change or not. I think they will see that life is easier now without the drama.

 

I mean when you first meet someone, you know nothing about them and you fall in love as the relationship goes on, and you learn more about each other. You don't know how each other will act when certain issues arrive, therfore you don't have any scared feelings.Then things start going sour and you end up where we are now.

 

Say that both parties go through the NC and later on decide to try to make it work. It won;t be the same as falling in love for the first time all over again because you already know each other and they already have in there mind now how they think you react and it will give them scared feelings causing them to hold back.

 

I don't know if any of that made since or not, I was just rambling.

 

I hate seeing it that way because I want to be back with my ex so bad and I have not Contacted her in 2 days now. But you know what? She hasn't contacted me yet either and I am fearing that she never will and that she has her mind made up already and that no matter what she will NEVER take that chance of being hurt by me again. Even if it she saw that I changed, She just wouldn't take that chance again.

 

It really does pain me to say this because I love her so much and I want to be with her so bad and she had already gave me so many chances, It was those chances that I should have done what I'm doing now and changing...Not now when It's too Late.

[GoingForIt_77]

Look, you are right on so many levels it's not even funny. That was actually really insightful man.

 

I want to add my two cents to that.

 

It does feel like it's over, doesn't it? I mean you know when you guys are together and you have fights that they are hurt, mad, but at the end of the day they will let you back into their "loving arms", but THIS time, you just KNOW that it's different.

 

They hit a point of NO RETURN. Almost as if they woke up from their slumber and realized that they deserved better and when they actually utter those words, it means that they WILL be trying to move on and get over us.

 

This is precisely what my ex is doing and I NEVER thought in a million years that she would have left me and jumped back SO SOON on the market. Kind of lowers our own overall value, doesn't it?

 

Now, while I do stand by what I just wrote, I will also stand by that while NC does allow them to move on and get over us (lessening of their feelings and the love bond that was created and strengthened everyday), they will also be able to see us respecting them if WE keep up NC. That really is the ONLY hope. It shows them that we are respecting them and ourselves as well and that we are actually LISTENING to them and what's most important and this MAY go a long way in time. Sure, the relationship may never be the same again, but it may be better once both parties have grown from the experience and will be able to bring more maturity to the table, but time must elapse.

 

I still see it as though my ex is now looking for something she wanted with me, but the complete package. While she focusses on that, I will continue to focus on ME and if she doesn't want to have the new me in her life when I re-introduce myself, then I will walk away with my head up and that's all I can and that's all WE can do.

[TWIS7ER]

when I re-introduce myself, then I will walk away with my head up and that's all I can and that's all WE can do.

 

You know I am hurting very very deep right now. and I know that if I re-introduce myself and she rejects me, I will sink to an all time bottom. I can't imagine feeling any worse then I am right now.

 

You have an advantage over me, you can see what she is doing with her life now, whether you like seeing it or not. I CAN'T see what my ex is doing with her life. I don't know whether she's happy, sad, misses me, thinks about me, I see nothing.

 

Tomorrow I know I will feel really low and hurt because It would have been our 9 months together and I just wonder if she will even acknowledge it or remember it. I just hate not knowing. I would Love for her to just write me a little message, letting me know she aknowledges it. But Deep down I know I will continue not to hear from her and It hurts.

 

I know they say that people cant change in a few days, but I have, I have really learned my lesson and I have grown from my mistakes.

[GoingForIt_77]

That's why you need space man, because sure, if you re-introduced yourself to her in the emotional state you are currently in, you will BLOW it.

 

You are not ready. The day you will know when you are ready, is the day that her reaction will not affect you. You must grow emotionally strong and form a much needed independence from her right now.

 

Please man, don't expect ANYTHING tomorrow for your 9 months. It would have been my ex's and my's anniversary last week as well.

 

What I DO recommend is that you do NOTHING and if anything THIS will allow her to see that you are serious about this and that you take HER seriously.

 

Right now your anniversary no longer holds true. You guys are NOT together right now. You may be together in the future, or you may not.

 

As for me having the advantage over you because I get to see my ex's profile and most of her conversations and comments is NOT such a great thing man, I promise you that! Do you know how it makes me feel to see her put herself out there to SO many men and to see how happy and excited she's acting! That is a VERY hard pill to swallow, but I am swallowing it and taking it like a man. It actually is making me stronger believe it or not. At least I know what I am working with here. What will kill me is that I will KNOW when she has a NEW bf, because she will change her status from single to in a relationship. That won't happen overnight obviously, BUT, I will be in contact with her WELL before that!

 

Look man, don't let your fear and sadness RULE you and whatever you do, DO NOT let her see you like this. It will TURN her off and will make her stay away, FAR AWAY, for a LONG time. To lessen those chances, continue to hang in there and keep posting. I'm not going anywhere (funny, that's what she used to always tell me...that I could never get rid of her). Words.....

[TWIS7ER]

What I DO recommend is that you do NOTHING and if anything THIS will allow her to see that you are serious about this and that you take HER seriously.

 

That's just it I don't know whether she is thinking about me at all to even see that I am serious about this and taking her seriously.

 

I do think it be easier if I saw her doing what your ex is doing because I would be able to really see that she didn't care about me if she was going to do those things and It would give me a whole different look on the situation. If I saw her doing them, I know I would never contact her ever again. I mean that would be 1 way she would get me out of her life forever.

[GoingForIt_77]

Thanks for making me feel better man, saying that she doesn't care about me .

 

You know, she was hurt baddly and she feels justified in doing what she's doing now. Does it mean she didn't love me? No. It just means that she's trying to find happiness and feels that with me she would have happiness, along with hurt and pain and so she bailed and is not home crying over it at this point.

 

You worry about whether your ex is thinking about you now after 2 days and if she cares. Bro, it's not all about you. Sorry to say that. This is still all about you and if she took you back today, the same $#@$@# would happen. When you start to see things on her SIDE, then you will have changed and that will only come from experiencing this loss. It may not be permanent, but you seem like an all or nothing kind of guy with very LITTLE patience. You have to work on that man.

[TWIS7ER]

Thanks for making me feel better man, saying that she doesn't care about me .

 

No I was meaning that towards you at all, I was just saying that that would be my attitude towards it. It may not be the right attitude, But i couldn't even thing about being back with her with all the wondering of what she has said and done on those sites, let alone in real life.

 

No the same $#@$@# wouldn't happen if she took me back. I can promise that. I am not only thinking about myself, I am thinking about her too. It kills me to know that I hurt her heart and I made her heart feel the same way mine is feeling right now. I want to make her heart better, and I want to make it better with pieces of the sweet, caring man, that she once knew.

[DonMiguel]

I'm totally behind everything you've said. I wish you luck and I believe if she does still love you, she's going to be grateful one day that you took this approach. I think Bethany is describing someone who doesn't love the dumpee anymore. My situation is that we split 18 months ago and she said she doesn't love me anymore, but she still calls me regularly, and if I don't respond to the message she left, she'll call again and again every couple of days till I call back. Last Monday she called, and I responded with an e-mail saying I was out of my mind busy, but I'd call later in the week. She called again the next day and then started sending e-mails once a day. This is 18 months later. She's had tons of chances to quietly let if fade away. So, at what point should I "accept that it wasn't meant to be"?

 

Not everyone is capable of laying their heart on the line and saying, "Yeah, I miss you."

 

Short history: For the first six months I did everything I could to impress her. (mememe, as you put it, GoingForIt.) Then I went into a period of trying to understand just who I was. Then finally, I decided to accept all her decisions, choices, directions, and actions, and just be there when she needed me. That's where I am now. I don't actively expect her to come to me and ask me back. I'm just getting my own sh|t in order, barely contacting her, but responding (eventually) when she contacts me. Like this weekend when she needed to talk about problems with her little girl and an operations he's having on Tuesday. Maybe we will one day end up together, and I seemed to recognize at some point that I wanted to be worthy of her. The me from two years ago was not as nice as I'd been pretending to myself. Now, I'm getting there, ironically by NOT focusing on my needs, but on the needs of others.

[GoingForIt_77]

Oh, I really guess you haven't read my story then man, because as much as you say she loves me, she may in fact have, even upon having left me, BUT, she has put her love aside since then and has been focussing on MOVING on quite aggressively so with a facebook account and a lavalife account.

 

You see, I hurt her and scared her and as much as she loved me, she also was nervous to say or do the wrong thing with me. I made her cry as much as I made her smile and laugh. I was hot and cold and she just couldn't anymore and so she did what she said she never ever would: LEAVE ME and since the day she walked out of my life, she has been FULLY gone.

 

She told me 6 days ago that she can't overlook what I did to her, even though she still loves me. She told me on Monday that she needs a little bit of space and can't promise me anything. Her actions since then have shown me that she is attempting to move on with her life, WITHOUT me in it.

 

We still have each others belongings and an exchange will have to be made. I don't see her making that contact, so I will have to in the near future. While she is out there dating now SO SOON after, I am home talking with you guys, which is MY therapy.

[DonMiguel]

I'm with GoingForIt on this one. An understanding of human psychology and the nature of attraction not only forces you to look at things from a different mindset and thus diffuse some of the reactive emotions, it gives you the best possible chance you have and this knowledge may well be reflected in your actions - confidence.

 

I agree in principle, but I think it comes down to this. She fell in love with a man who had self-regard, not with a man who doted on her and begged for her love. Spending time finding yourself is far more likely to re-ignite those flames than going out of your way to impress her.

[GoingForIt_77]

What's your name by the way?

 

Okay, when in contact with her, if all that contact will be comprised of us making arrangements to make the exchange, I will NOT pry, nor will I let her know that I am FULLY aware of her new life. She did two things I didn't expect: 1. Leave me and 2. Put herself back out there so quickly.

 

I can't let my anger and feelings of betrayal cloud my judgement too much right now. She is doing what she has to do for herself. Nothing I can do about that, except make myself crazy over it , which I won't.

 

I will not let it affect the way I talk to her when I do call. I have to act like I am better than that and know my own worth at the same time, which I'm starting to remember. Let her run away from me and her feelings and the hurt and try and lose herself quickly in another man. I want to find me in ME and not in someone else.

 

As for you man, I feel your pain, but you have to swallow it and allow it to make you stronger and propell you higher than you've ever been before. Becone someone you never thought you could be and then if you STILL want to, present that to her in the future, but that time is not now.

[finalcloud13]

When you say doing nothing will allow the ex to see that you are taking her seriously and giving her space, does that only apply if she asked you for space? What if she broke up saying she just wanted to be friends and nothing more?

[GoingForIt_77]

My ex did not ask me for space so that we could get back together as a couple. She said she could not be with me in another relationship. She can't be with me long-term. Her request for space is so that maybe we can still keep in touch, but she is taking this space and using it aggressively to move on. I see that with her current actions online.

 

She has given me 0% of hope that she wants to enter into a relationship with me again. She said she can't let go of what I did to her and even if I do clear myself of my issues, that she CAN'T come back to me. She asked me for a little space on Monday. I have been giving it to her and she has been using that time to meet someone new, but putting herself out there online, while I've been on here, doing nothing but respecting her.

[finalcloud13]

I wish that exes would be more open to giving a relationship another try. If a couple has broken up and gotten back together many times, then that could be a reason to end it once and for all but if not, I don't see why they can't just give it another shot, I mean, how do they know it won't be better than the last time and that they won't be happier? Sometimes, it almost seems like they have too much pride in their decision to go back on their decision and give it another try.

[GoingForIt_77]

It's not pride that stops them. It's their head talking to their heart. Again, it depends on the circumstances as to WHY they left you. Did you hurt them and scare them so bad that they felt that they had to protect their heart from you, in order not to get hurt again? That was my case.

 

If the person just feels like things are moving too fast. If you come on TOO strong, they may get scared, even if THEY were hinting at wanting more too.

 

They could have wanted their freedom and felt tied down and got scared and felt the need to break free.

 

Look, anyone of those scenarios requires the SAME antidote. SPACE and TIME and going with their momentum and AGREEING and SUPPORTING their decision and then acting like it's what YOU want to and then BACKING off for a while and then go back in ONLY once you see what you did wrong and you are emotionally detached enough to be able to handle whatever they may have to dish out. That's the ONLY way when they are serious about leaving you for good.

[Bethany]

After reading all your other posts just to see that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong and there was some hope for you, I saw this below, written by her to your sister. And after reading it, I can only say that you need to accept the truth and move on in your life. That's how she feels about you deep down inside and ALL the counselling in the world won't ever put that right.

 

I know things are still raw but I have to tell you as a woman that a woman will not and cannot EVER be happy or in a loving relationship with a man she has compared to her rapist and you should not try anymore.

 

Even if all your plans work out and she does get back together with you, she SHOULDN'T. The sooner she comes around with her Dad( because she is scared to come alone, can't you see that????) to pick up her things, the better.

[GoingForIt_77]

That was something she had written to my sister, 3 days after leaving me. That was written 8 days ago.

 

Maybe you are right and maybe you're wrong.

 

Do I think she should come back to me NOW? No way. I am still working on myself and on my issues. It would not be fair to either of us and she knows that I know that. That's exactly what I told her last time we spoke (6 days ago), whereby she asked for a little bit of space, which I've been giving her since.

 

Understand that her and I had spoke on MSN the night before her and my sister had and it was a COMPLETELY different conversation (much better than the one she had with my sister the next day).

 

I am not making excuses for my actions and I know where I went wrong with her. I will never try and convince her to give me a second chance and come back to me. That will be up to her. What I would love to happen in the not too distant future is for us to be able to be on speaking terms, so that I could help lower her defenses (her fear around me) and for her to see that I have been working on and will continue to work on my issues and will NOT repeat them again. Whether she chooses to be with someone else (one of many guys she's meeting on her chats), or whether she chooses down the line to give us another shot once the smoke clears will be HER decision to make. I can only be ME from here on out and make sure that other part of me that came out and drove her away from me, is extinguished from my system completely first.

 

In the meantime, I am NOT interfering with her space and the life she is trying to rebuild, because I am trying to rebuild myself as well and NO, not with another person, but with MYSELF (become whole without the fears and insecurities that drove her away).

[Bethany]

You are talking like you know what she is thinking when you don't. You have NO IDEA what is going on in her head, and from her talk to her sister, however many days ago it was, she is telling YOU through her sister what's going on in her head, that the fear she feels will never leave her and there is no way she CAN ever go back to you and you should listen.

 

And I am telling you as a woman....There is NO way that a woman will EVER lose that fear. It is an instinctual. Even if she wanted to and/or tried to, it will NEVER completely leave her. NEVER. She may even be happy for a while, trusting you and you may very well get yourself sorted out but she will ALWAYS deep down in her subconscious be waiting for that emotional 'beating' again, flinching at your every move or word and that feeling inside will NEVER leave her. Understand?

 

 

And I do wonder if you even KNEW what you were doing to her or if you even cared until she left? Did you honestly know? Hand on your heart? And if you did know, why the hell didn't you stop?

[GoingForIt_77]

Please don't condemn me. YES, I knew and I was not strong enough to stop and HENCE me having made the decision to go for professional help. MANY people would NOT take that step, admitting they have issues and try and correct it. That should earn me nothing but respect. I AM owning up to what I did.

 

You tell me not to speak for her, but it looks like you're doing a pretty good job of doing that for her as well.

 

I am living with pain and remorse for what I did to her. I breathe it and sleep it (when I actually sleep).

 

I have shown her nothing but compassion since the day she left me and I have been giving her nothing but space and this shows to her that I do and did care and HER feelings DO matter to me. I admitted that I had a problem that was stronger than I was and that's why I am seeking help now for it. I am trying to regain my own personal strength now and am understanding that it's no longer about control, but actually letting go of it. Yeah, I wish I could tell her all of this. I wish I could open up my heart to her right now. I could, but I won't impose that on her right now, because I am thinking about her happiness too and many people would be giving into their hurt feelings and still try and CONVINCE them that they CAN and WILL change and to give them a second chance. I've done none of that. I don't make any promises. I am taking care of myself now, as is she. I still love her and am still giving her the space she needs to move on from me, or from the hurt....

 

She knows that I will probably contact her in the not too distant future. We spoke about that on Monday (last day of contact). She said she couldn't promise me anything and that's understandable. I am not expecting miracles here.

 

We also have to make arrangements for our stuff to be exchanged. I am leaving this for a little while longer. I still want to give her more space and I need a bit more as well to become even stronger and put more things into perspective in the meantime.

[Bethany]

You tell me not to speak for her, but it looks like you're doing a pretty good job of doing that for her as well..

 

Sorry if I came accross that way.

 

Reality is though that I was speaking as a woman who has lived with/in fear. In fact I am quite an 'expert' on the subject, as a few people I have confided in on here, already know.

 

But who knows eh, maybe things are on an emotional high for her right now and things might calm down, so good luck with the anger management, like you said.. I can't condemn you for at least trying, even if it is after the event.

[GoingForIt_77]

It's okay Bethany. Guaranteed her friends told her the same thing. I just pray that my current actions are NOT reinforcing to her the reason why she had to leave me. I did not want to do anything post break-up to make her feel justified in having made the right decision. That is why I have been doing nothing but respecting her space.

 

I'm sure at first she was relieved when I stopped contacting her completely a week ago, but that relief MAY shift, even though she has some MAJOR distractions with her new chat lines and friends she's reconnecting with/making.

 

None of that should matter. All that matters are my actions and I'm hoping that my actions can show her more than any words could at this point.