Mistreated Her..Is She Gone For Good?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

nobody is making you out to the bad guy because you are leaving her alone now. that is great for both of you. what worries people is that you seem to not get the seriousness of what it means when she told your sister that she is more afraid of you than she was of the guy who raped her. that kind of fear does not go away with a couple weeks of not hearing from you, not in a couple years, and most likely never. Nobody EVER wants to hear from a rapist again, and if she is that afraid of you, then she probably has the same feelings about you.

 

you say the last time you saw her, you saw hurt in her face because you think she misses you, but it very well could have been anxiety and fear more than hurt. And her boss had to ask you to leave, which shows you are NOT respecting her feelings and are causing fear and anxiety in her and possibly others who watch you interact with her.

 

if you broke up because your partner is terrified of you, maybe it is best for BOTH of you to heal and find new partners who don't have that negative dynamic together, and for you to continue to work with a therapist so that you learn to never again show the kind of behavior that inspires fear in a partner. I'm really glad to hear that you are getting therapy, for your sake and hers, so that you can both move on to have healthy, loving relationships in the future, though that relationship might not be with each other.

 

please continue your therapy, and listen to what your therapist says. if the therapist thinks there's a safe time or way to contact your ex again, then you could consider it. but please for your own sake and hers, just continue therapy and leave your ex alone per her request until that time comes, if it comes.

[GoingForIt_77]

I am feeling defeated now I checked her profile on Facebook that she added on Monday (300 people since Monday) and she is putting herself out there. She asked a guy out on his page comments. Someone who she had known before, seeing he was happy to have heard from her. He wrote that they should keep in touch now and she replied saying that NOW they can and SHE said that they should get together and he replied saying for her to tell him when and he'll make himself available and she has yet to reply.

 

MEANWHILE, I am beating myself up over this. Feeling bad for hurting her so much and only a few days after the break-up she is already trying to find a NEW boyfriend?????

 

I want my stuff back. She has TONS of my stuff at her place and vice versa. I don't want to wait to do this, when she already has a new boyfriend at that point!!

 

I feel like a fool now....

[lady00]

Well, you don't know for sure that she's looking for a new boyfriend but it's clear she is looking to date other people. Yes, it hurts but maybe it's the signal you need from her that it really is over and she is moving on. Don't take it as a affront to you. It's unlikely that she has lost her feelings for you but she's trying to move on.

 

My advice is to immediately block her on facebook and any other social networking sites. Reading her comments to others and their comments to her is only going to set you back in the healing process. Block her out completely. This is one of those situations in life where ignorance is better than knowing the details of what someone is up to. Good luck, man. It's not easy to heal from a breakup. You have a tough road ahead but rest assured you have support here and you should continue venting.

[GoingForIt_77]

Hi Lady, thanks!

 

Seeing her and I spoke on Monday and she was very hurt and still scared and said she needed a little space which I am respecting.

 

It's just I don't want to be played the fool. She doesn't know that I know about her profile and her forward attempts with these men and women. I think she is just being sociable truthfully and trying to keep herself busy...

 

but, is she drowning herself in THIS, so that she can get over me and replace what she had with me with someone else??? Is this normal behavior for someone who is sad, lonely and in need of male attention/companionship??? Is it normal that she is doing this so soon after???

 

It makes it that much harder to respect the space she requested when she is doing this. I don't want to let her know that I know and she IS entitled to do what she wants, but if she loves me with all her heart, are these actions of hers reflecting that???

 

This also makes me want to call her and just plain out tell her that I would like to have my stuff back and vice versa, seeing she doesn't look like she has much intention of initiating THAT on her own now. I didn't want to have to call her up for THAT reason, but I prefer I see her NOW while she is still single, then in a week when she is already dating someone (that guy she asked out). That would hurt TOO much..

 

She doesn't know I know. I wonder if I should let her know that I do. How sincere can she be about her feelings for me. I'm that replaceable?

[CarnelianButterfly]

If you tell her you've been monitoring her actions, she will probably never want to see you again. That send up a huge red flag.

 

Leave her alone.

[lady00]

Don't let her know that you know. That will weird her out for sure because those messages weren't to you and weren't meant for you (I realize that people can see them on facebook who they are not addressed to but still). Even if she does love you with all her heart, she has made a decision not to be with you and her actions reflect that. A relationship takes more than love...it takes all kinds of other things to make it work so you are asking the wrong question by asking if these are the actions of someone who truly loves you. If people weren't able to separate out love from wanting to be with someone, people would likely wind up stuck in unhappy relationships because they have not lost the love they have for the other person. You need to see that she has separated out the two things.

 

Also, she may have started to move on before she broke up with you. Not to sound harsh, but dumpers often think about leaving before they actually do so they have a head start on moving on. Also, maybe she is just going through the motions and trying to be sociable. Maybe she feels a newfound sense of freedom. But you know what? Whatever her motivations for doing the things she's doing, it's best to stop trying to figure out what they are otherwise you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure her out. Exes are incredibly hard to read and even if you can figure out why they're doing what they're doing, chances are you won't find what you hope to find and you'll just end up even more hurt. Don't let her know you know what she's upto and stop checking up on her online, it won't help you heal and it'll make her uncomfortable.

 

If you want your stuff back, can you find some way of getting it that doesn't involve seeing her? Can you have a friend pick up your stuff? Can she mail it to you? I say this because I think seeing her right now will set you back in the healing process and will also upset her.

[GoingForIt_77]

Yeah, I won't be telling her that I know she's on there. No way. That would be the worst thing I could do, but the truth is, I KNOW..

 

Whether it is to meet a guy, or just merely to go out with friends, she is trying to move on, YES. She is trying to move on from the hurt, but NOT necessarily ME...

 

She asked for time. She did NOT say I want nothing to do with you ever again..

[lady00]

She is trying to move on from the hurt, but NOT necessarily ME...

 

You're assuming there is a difference in her mind between moving on from the hurt and moving on from you. From what you've described, she seems to think the two are intertwined.

 

You seem determined to hope that she will come back. It doesn't seem likely from what you've told us but I understand how you feel. It's not impossible. Hardly anything is impossible. But the reality is you have plenty of evidence from her actions and words that it's unlikely and nothing that tells you it's likely that you two will reunite. Whatever happens, I wish you good luck.

 

You should seriously consider which is really best for the both of you in the long run and also which is most likely to happen: (1) getting back together or (2) learning from the relationship and moving on.

 

Either way, you'll be fine. You will be okay with or without her. Keep writing here if that helps. I hope it does.

[GoingForIt_77]

Thank you Lady. I appreciate your kind words.

 

I don't know if she'll ever let me back in in any capacity. Do I have false hope? No. I have hope. Take that for what it is..

 

I will not make her come back to me against her will. I will not manipulate her. I will not stop her from having a life NOW and having fun in the process, with girls and guys..

 

The ironic thing is, we are both UP now. I don't know if what we are feeling is that much different from one another. We are both trying to distract ourselves...

 

Again, contact must resume anyways, if anything for the mere fact of exchanging our stuff...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

but, is she drowning herself in THIS, so that she can get over me and replace what she had with me with someone else??? Is this normal behavior for someone who is sad, lonely and in need of male attention/companionship??? Is it normal that she is doing this so soon after???

 

It makes it that much harder to respect the space she requested when she is doing this. I don't want to let her know that I know and she IS entitled to do what she wants, but if she loves me with all her heart, are these actions of hers reflecting that???

 

This has everything to do with her and her own emotions. This is someone who is in such pain and is looking to drown it by finding other people to date. She is in a very unhealthy place looking for anybody to ease her pain, which will just get her back down the road to an unhealthy relationship because she has not given herself time to heal and reflect. It has nothing to do with feelings for you or making you into a fool. Yes, it is hard to watch someone you care about running around trying to find a replacement, but there is nothing you can do about it. Will finding someone else allow her to heal and move on... I really really doubt that....she is basically running away from herself and her pain, like so many people who look for rebound relationships. In the long run, they never work out. Focus on healing yourself and not on what she is doing. If you need your stuff back, can you contact someone other than her? Let her go. She has a lot of healing to do and she is not on the right road to healing if she is running to look for another man.

[GoingForIt_77]

I have NO way of proving that she is looking for a bf. She is looking for friends on that site of hers, both FEMALE and MALE. She is trying run away from the pain with ALL of those distractions. That is for sure, but at the end of the day, the pain is still there, no matter how much encouragement and support you get from others. YOU must heal YOU.

 

She asked me for space. That is what I am giving her now. Her being on facebook and chatting up a storm will NOT make me react prematurely based on my emotions. It was my impulsive reactions that pushed her away from me in the first place. I would be a "fool" to make a deal about THIS...

 

Me giving her space is showing her nothing but respect. There will have to come a time where we DO deal with our stuff. No third parties have to be involved. I am now respecting her and have since the break-up. I have NOT once pleaded with, or tried to change her mind. I am given her my support, understanding of how I hurt her and the truth that I AM going for help to rid myself of these demons and learn to control my reactions and since Monday (5 days after doing LC) I have done NOTHING at all, even after being faced with the knowledge of her facebook account.

 

I am still giving her space and myself as well to think things through and grow a bit stronger and more emotionally detached, which is crucial..

[dacanay]

Hey man,

 

Based on personal experience. I have been EXACTLY like you to this girl of mine. well maybe a little less than you.but iam guessing that you may have had a lot of different girls before her that you kinda liked but after awhile you didnt really pursue with your relationship with them coz they didnt make you feel the way you wanted to until this woman came along and made you feel like you had the woman of your dreams already and you just dont wanna lose her? correct? well For me, i was just being too paranoid coz it was the FIRST time i ever fell inlove in my life and i didnt know much of how to deal with relationships. I just kept proving to her how much i loved her and how she meant the world to me, at first we broke up after (me being like you) but we got back together coz she loved me and i told her i was gonna change. Maybe YOU should change first and win over yourself first before you can win the girl back.

 

 

Just a suggestion, i hope it might help you somehow

 

P.S. - Man, dont listen to people telling you "Oh, sorry, it might be too late for your relationship, blah blah," coz someone in this forum told be years ago that i didnt have a chance with the girl anymore (Different situation) while i appreciated her advice. I just didnt believe it, she kept saying like, hey i bet you didnt even drive a car yet, just move on. so i did and months later? she was all over me again. I dont mean to brag but i hope you get my drift

[GoingForIt_77]

Again, it may not be her necessarily looking for another man, because she is also making plans with girls who she lost touch with as well on there...

 

I don't know if she is back on lavalife? I don't know about her personal messages on facebook. I only know what I can see...i.e. the public comments left on her wall (page) and the ones she left on the other persons (for the most part) and I know she has added 346 people since Monday..

 

She is trying to distract herself and run away from her hurt pain. It may have diminished during the time since the breakup (10 days), or it may have only started since NC (5 days).

 

What I do know, is that I'm not going to have someone pick up my stuff for me and vice versa. I would understand if SHE got a lift to my place and that person waited in their car for her (she doesn't have a car), BUT again, the first form of contact won't be comprised of asking for the exchange...

 

I am continuing my help for now. I am helping myself to better understand what I did, why I did it and to learn to NOT have to rely on doing that, or feel the need to do that again. I am trying to get stronger during this NC period and gaining a better perspective on things within myself and I am also ADHERING to her request from last Monday, asking me for a little space, while at the same time saying she can't promise me if that space will do anything..

 

Well, at the time, she didn't see me giving her space. I have done nothing but since that date. I have also been giving myself space..

 

Again, I don't want the first contact I make to be about exchanging our belongings. I would just contact her to say hi and see how she's doing (school, hew new job, her grandmothers health) and hopefully she will have been able to see that I had been respecting her through my actions and maybe she will be more open and comfortable (less nervous) to talk with me..

 

Calling up to ask her about our stuff say by the end of the month is about business. That's not how I want to go in with the first contact. If I get no response from my first attempt, then I will be left with no choice but to go back in with the issue of exchanging our stuff.

[CarnelianButterfly]

the first form of contact won't be comprised of asking for the exchange...

What if she decides that's how its going to be? That her dad comes and helps her move out?

[GoingForIt_77]

Simple Answer: Then that's how it's going to be. It's no longer about ME telling her what she should/shouldn't, can/can't do. It's about what SHE'S comfortable with. I meant that when I told her that on Monday. Her feelings and comfort level is what's most important to me. It's not about me imposing mine onto her anymore.

[GoingForIt_77]

By the way, it's not like she has to move out. She has her own place. It's just that the last 4+ months she had been pretty much sleeping here all the time and brought a lot of her stuff over and I had lent her stuff of mine as well. Her Dad would just be there for the lift, because there's a bit too much for her to take on the bus.

 

You know, all that is no longer the issue. There is a bigger picture here and that being, the space I am giving her and myself now and the help I am getting. CAN that allow her to want to have more than just an exchange of our belongings.

 

I am hoping that this time apart will not only allow us to heal, but maybe as well allow her to be more open to seeing me in a different way again. That's the truth.

 

I don't want to rush it and contact her in regards to our belongings prematurely, when in fact this space "could be" be changing her impression/perspective as well.

[herewegoagain]

Man, I hate to be harsh but you need to quit thinking about when you are going to contact her. You are very obsessive with all this. I know it is hard, but you have to leave her alone.

 

I was dumped a couple of years ago, and I always wanted to contact her, but I realized that it is NOT a good idea.

 

Please, Please, Please - leave her alone. Do not contact her EVER!!! Only communicate with her if SHE initiates.

 

You must listen to us here on this forum. But you seem to ignore us. Quit obsessing about when you are going to contact her.

 

Leave her alone!!!!!!!!!

 

She does not want to be with you. Accept it and move on.