GoingForIt_77 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 I'm going to have to go to the mall she works at now to pick up a cake for my mom's surprise b-day for tonight, that WE were supposed to go to. I am worried about her. Especially after what I found out last night, as to have baddly she's doing. She sounds like she needs a hug and maybe that is what I should go by there to do and then leave (asking nothing of her)... She needs to remember my warmth and I KNOW she won't shun it if it's there and I have open arms. She WANTS to be in them and after last night, I know that more than ever. Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Hi Ellie. She loves me. I hurt her. She knows that. I know that. I am helping myself right now (outside of her and I). She still needs the warmth and doesn't deep down WANT to walk away. She feels she "HAS" to, unless presented with more reassurance and love, which is why fell for me in the first place. The love isn't gone. The trust is damaged, but I'm working on repairing it as we speak and it's making her decision harder, because she sees a sweet man now (the man she loves). Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 It didn't go as planned. This is horrible. I went to her work, as planned, which is in a mall. She works in a retail store. She was behind the cash and it was really busy. As soon as she saw me walk in, I knew it was a mistake. She seemed surprised, but I can tell it was too much for her to handle. I waited patiently (not really) while the line-up died down and then I approached her. She stared into my eyes and said in a voice that was about to cry "please leave". NOt in a mean way, or in a cold or harsh or demanding way, but in a pleading way, as in can't you see this is killing me type thing? I tried to explain that I had to buy flowers for my mom next door and wanted to pass by, because I was concerned about her and wanted to give her a hug. She acknowledged that and then said she can't and asked me again in a pleading voice and her starting to cry at this point, asking me to please leave. Right then her boss asked me to leave and told her to go to the back of the store to regroup herself because she was crying at this point. This TORE me apart inside. I left the store and left her a message on her cell letting her know that my intentions were not to upset or hurt her today... I feel so HELPLESS to do nothing right NOW!!!!!!!! What once would have been perceived as sweet and welcomed with open arms reduces her to tears and makes her have to run away Did this ruin last nights MSN conversation? Now that I did this and potentially made things MUCH worse, she may go off and block and delete me now. If I would have left it alone for a little while and given her time to breathe..... Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Why is it that she can't support me when I am going for this help. If she loves the Dan that is sweet and caring and that part is working at getting rid of the ugly side that comes out, then why would she close off ALL doors and options to a reconciliation, or even be slightly open to the idea of it happening in the future. NO, I am not good for her when I was critical and harsh with her and raised my voice, but if that part is no longer there, all that's left is the man she loves, so WHY is she running away from him, because HE (I) still love her SO MUCH and I KNOW that she loves me!!!! Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 How do I make this better??? If I would have left things at the great conversation her and I had last night over MSN and NOT have gone in to see her today, than I would not be where I am right now. I would not have made her cry again and for all I know right now, she will block me on her MSN tonight or tomorrow, so that this sort of thing doesn't happen again..... One thing I DO know is that with exception to having called her immediately after having left her store, apologizing to her machine, is that I should probably NOT email her tonight, or for a bit to further apologize for having gone to see her today and in actuality, having gone against her wishes. Am I right on this? I REALLY hope she doesn't come home and choose to delete and block me from her MSN. That was always a way to keep in touch, even down the line (until things cooled over).. Do you guys think she's going to do or say something in regards to her having asked me to leave today? Do you think she feels bad at all for having had to do that to me? Link to comment
TijuanaJones Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 I think that she is the only person capable of deciding what is best for her. I think what she really needs right now is time apart from you, to let her head cool down and let everything you told her last night sink in. Consider initiating strict NC. Block her and delete her, dont look at her myspace or log in to yours, dont call her, dont drive past her house, dont go to the mall where she works, nothing. Your constant presense is going to drive her away from you. She needs her logic to come in touch with her feelings and see if they both agree on what she should do (does that make sense to you?). It is HARD to have NC, but at day 17 I cant tell you it can be done... Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 DAMN, I sent an apology email to her just now!!! I just wanted to clear the air as to my intentions, so she knows... This is what I wrote: "I was next door for a reason (I didn't know of any other stores that sold flowers on the way). I came in to see how you are doing after what you've been going through and then be on my way. That's it, that's all. No further intentions, or motives. Innocent as can be. I ended up hurting and upseting you and that's the very last thing I wanted to do. Please know that. I was also in the Mall yesterday, but did not come and see you, even knowing you were there. I didn't know you seeing me would have had the effect it did on you. I did not end up buying any flowers. I could not (cannot) face my family tonight (yes, even though it's my mom's b-day). Lori called me and Aiya got on the phone and said she loved me and missed me and even asked about you and well, needless to say, I couldn't even talk to my own niece. I am home and thinking of how much I hurt you again, when all I wanted to do was put a smile on your face today, or at least make you feel a little more at ease with me and to let you know that you're not alone. I'm sorry for ruining an already difficult day for you. I just wanted to make it better and that's the truth. Maybe you can let me know that you're not too upset with me (by email/msn). I really didn't mean any harm this time around. I was being friendly and well, I was just being the Dan I've always been (the caring guy), cause he's (I'm) still here..." Link to comment
TijuanaJones Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 well, that can work both as an apology letter and a sort of farewell note... In my opinion, she wants you to respect her space and you could try... I guarantee you will come out stronger after you achieve NC. Take it as a test of will power for yourself... Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Hey Tijuana, You know, last night's MSN conversation was nice and it ended up making us both feel really good. Good enough for her to be VERY open with me and keep me on her MSN. Thing is, it was that good feeling that enticed me to go and visit her today. I should have let last night's conversation resonate within her and not have shown up today. Your right about me being too present. I'm scared that if I'm not, the bond we had (have) is going to disappear. You see, she didn't leave me because she didn't love me. She left me because I wasn't always the nice guy I promised to be and I'm taking corrective measures right now to correct that. She knows that. I believe that last night was her testing me to see how strong I was and if I would try and change her mind or persuade her in any way. We got off (I ended it) feeling good and today I acted weak by going to seeing her, disrespecting her wishes and then following it up with an apology call (something she didn't want to do....talk on the phone, so I left a message) and then finally leaving her an apology email. I'm getting neurotic here and she knows it too. I have to CALM down. I feel like I don't do something right away that she'll be gone forever, but it's my current actions that will sealing my fate more than my actual fear..... Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 I am not saying farewell. That was not my intention behind the email. That's for sure. Link to comment
SarahRose Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 It is a shame you didn't get help for yourself while in the relationship. I think you have to ask yourself if your efforts are mainly to get her back or do you really think you have a problem that you need to change? I wouldn't take you back if I was her. I spent 20 years in an abusive relationship and yeah those years were mostly a waste. I gave him many chances, listened to him beg and cry that he would change. He never did. That type of thing is deeply ingrained. He's still the same way. If you have any respect for her at all, you need to stop contacting her and trying to force things. Link to comment
TijuanaJones Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Your right about me being too present. I'm scared that if I'm not, the bond we had (have) is going to disappear. I'm getting neurotic here and she knows it too. I have to CALM down. I feel like I don't do something right away that she'll be gone forever, but it's my current actions that will sealing my fate more than my actual fear..... I can totally relate. The first days of No contact for me were HARD and painful. I had the same fear that if I wasnt there for her, our bond was going to fade away. But respecting her wish apparently gave her space to realize I am a valuable person in her life, and after 17 days NC she is starting to look form me, yesterday she sent me a txt msg and apparently went to the club I was to check me out. If she loves you, she is going to use the time apart to evaluate you as a partner and as a person. You cannot influence her decision. I started NC because I didnt want to force a decision out of my ex. In the state of mind she is right now, you cant expect her to want to be near you. Her feelings need to be stable so her logic can kick in and start the decision process. Show her you have changed by respecting her space. ((hug)) Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 Tijuana, you're so right man. Her tears today were real and the look in her eyes was nothing but love, but I saw A LOT of hurt and grief in them. It's as if she was LOCKED inside herself and is TRAPPED in there. Last night over MSN it DID appear that I was bringing her out of her shell, but I'm aiming for too much too soon. I start my sessions this week and can't speed up that process either.... Something else your said Tijuana: "If she loves you, she is going to use the time apart to evaluate you as a partner and as a person. You cannot influence her decision. I started NC because I didnt want to force a decision out of my ex." I don't have to force her to love me, because that's already there, but her fear of getting hurt by me is GREATER than her love, or at least they coexist, as they did before, but the only difference now is that she is no longer able to overlook it, because the truth is, I also gave her the confidence to stand up to me and to anyone who didn't treat her with the respect she deserves... You also wrote: "In the state of mind she is right now, you cant expect her to want to be near you. Her feelings need to be stable so her logic can kick in and start the decision process. Show her you have changed by respecting her space." She clearly can't be near me (See my face makes her cry, talking to me makes her do the same thing). MSN was safe last night and I should have left things at that for a while. You see, she already has made up her decision, based on her fear of getting hurt again by me and according to what she told me last night, her head and her heart are in conflict and what I'm trying to do is surround her with positive moments to help ease her confusion, but as soon as I do something good, I follow it up with something else (too much) and so I try and undo it and end up making things worse.... What it comes down to is SPACE, which is what she DOES need and it is something I have NOT given her since last Wednesday afternoon (day of the break-up). I just wanted to take away her pain, because it was that pain being too large that forced her to go away from me, when she didn't want to. Will she start to see me differently the more space I give her, or will she be able to forget me easilier, or is that not possible? Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 I felt that my previous email to her was a cop-out, almost asking her excuse my actions from today, when in fact I should NOT be doing that at all. I should not have gone today. It was wrong and I should not cry over it. I have to start acting like the older guy she fell in love with. The mature Dan who took the bull by the horns. Not this weak and feable man. This is what I just sent her. My 2nd email to her, which is what should have been sent first: "There is No Need to tell me that you are not too upset with me. I don't need to hear it. You have every right to be if you are. Showing up today unannouced was not right on my part. You are hurting and in a lot of pain now (I saw it in your eyes). I should have known better. I am not acting my age and doing what I did today did not respect your personal boundaries and space." Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 You really need to chill man. This is getting to the stalker ex levels. LEAVE HER ALONE! No emails, no calls, no visits, nothing. If she wants you back it is her choice, you keep badgering her with supposed support and all it will look like is desperation and clawing to get her back. Step back and leave her to heal. Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 I don't want to be the stalker ex-guy. I was the independent guy in the relationship. I never chased her. I never liked to show her my weak side and since Wednesday I've fallen apart completely in her eyes. I'm everything now that I fought so hard against becoming... Thank God it's only been since Wednesday and we did have a good conversation last night on MSN. Granted, my actions from today, ie: going to say hi to her at her work (which is something I used to surprise her with all the time anyways), to calling her once right after and then one weak email and trying to undo that with a tougher one. The facts are she is being MUCH stronger than me right now. This is a decision I FORCED her into making and not one she wanted to have to make. She loves me and I don't want to even kill those feelings and cloud her good feelings for me, with everything I am doing now (losing it). I just miss her so much, but she must miss what we had too. If I keep up THIS sh%t, then I will be forcing her to not even think about the good. Do I really want to be doing that? NO. I should have left it at what it was last night (MSN conversation) for at least a few days and then have waited patiently for her email letting me know when we can do the exchange for our belongings. I have to get control of MYSELF. Link to comment
TijuanaJones Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 Will she start to see me differently the more space I give her, or will she be able to forget me easilier, or is that not possible? Im sure she will see you in a different light after you give her space. Right now she "can't see the forest for the trees" she needs to distance herself from the situation to see the whole picture. Right now she sees what she feels and she sees a blurry picture of you, so to speak. When she observes everything that happened from a distance, it will be clearer and easier to decide whats best for her... Take this time also to dissect your feelings and think about what you did wrong and what you can honestly change. Link to comment
TijuanaJones Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 I should have left it at what it was last night (MSN conversation) for at least a few days and then have waited patiently for her email letting me know when we can do the exchange for our belongings. I have to get control of MYSELF. You are being too hard on yourself. There is nothing you can do about the past, so dont beat yourself about it. Take what you have just learned to improve yourself and as a chance to make things better. And besides, if you stop the contact right now, you will most likely repair the damage you could have done with what you did today. You made sure she knows how you feel about her, and now its time to let her do the same... it will take her some time (days, weeks), but it is important that she does it at her own pace. stay calm, stay focused, and stay out of her life... Its a difficult path that you will have to endure... but many of us have gone through it and have come out stronger and wiser. You can do it! Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 Hey Tijuana (Muchos Gracias mi Amigo)... Let me ask you this... She knows what's best for her: To be treated well (like I promised her I would and did for the most part, but not all of the time). She will step back (once given the space to do so) and will realize that she loved (loves) me when I don't let my fears/insecurities RULE me, but her conflict is that the fear I instilled in her is SO great that she always FEARS that it will come out and that HURTS her, because she loves me and it's that FEAR of getting hurt that is now FORCING her to distance herself from me. Now, I am taking responsibility for my actions and am seeking out the help needed, but how much of her will allow herself to see the changes that will be occurring within me? How can I put her more at ease with who I will become (which is really me without my own fears (which is what drove her away), while respecting whatever decision she makes (even if it means she sticks with her current one on a long-term basis)? She is in a NUMB place right now. HER EXACT WORDS. She is numbing herself because all she feels is pain. She also has a dying grandmother (she found this out only yesterday). She didn't seek me out for support for that, but did talk to me last night on MSN.... I would love for her to begin to believe in me again and that's what I'm really trying to get at here... Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 Thing says: "You made sure she knows how you feel about her, and now its time to let her do the same." Thing is, hasn't she already told me how she feels about me. She's made it clear that she loves me, but it's her fear of me hurting and scaring her again that has grown to a proportion that she now refuses/cannot overlook. This is what I am working with. A girl who is VERY in love with me, but also scared of me. Part of her feels that she should not have given up on me (she told me last night). I told her that I didn't blame her for giving up and in fact, she didn't give up on me. I told her that "I" gave up on me with my actions towards her. How do I lessen that fear in her of me? How do I get past a wall that took me so long to allow crumble when in the relationship with her, but it did eventually crumble and now it's back up stronger than EVER. Link to comment
TijuanaJones Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 I would love for her to begin to believe in me again and that's what I'm really trying to get at here... Like they say: "Seeing is believing". I was in the same situation you are right now. No matter how hard I tried to convince my ex that I was trying to change in some ways, she always told me that "Actions speak louder than words"... I just remembered a phrase my boss likes to say: "History is severe and judges only based on results, not on intentions" Do what you think is best for you and try to improve your life, and somehow she will sense it. Perception can only be changed through concrete actions, not with words. Link to comment
TijuanaJones Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 Thing is, hasn't she already told me how she feels about me. She's made it clear that she loves me, but it's her fear of me hurting and scaring her again that has grown to a proportion that she now refuses/cannot overlook. What I meant to say is that her feelings right now are impairing her judment. Love and fear are mixed together and maybe she cant sense which one is stronger. Time and distance will take care of that, as she will be more objective in knowing what she really wants and if her love is strong enough to allow herself to give it another try. Let her reach that decision and communicate it to you when she is ready. Don't worry too much, todo va a estar bien (everything is going to be all right), no matter what happens. Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 I think her fear is larger than her love, or as long as the fear is there, she can't give into her feelings and that's why she left me. She already made her decision. She could not live with the fear of being scared and getting hurt and I DON'T blame her. I couldn't live with myself being like that either. I told her that everytime I had one of my "episodes" I would die a little more inside as well and that's why I CANNOT EVER do that again. My health, sanity and happiness are too on the line..... My concern is that LOVE is a BOND two people form and the more time they spend with each other the stronger the bong (the love) grows. When someone walks away from someone, or in my case, he haven been forced to leave, isn't it inevitable that being away from the fire will lessen her chances of wanting to return to it? Isn't it safer to stay away, while at the same time, the bond we formed (the good feelings) will diminish with her detachment of her feelings for me and the shared times that become only memories and not new experiences being made? Link to comment
TijuanaJones Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 isn't it inevitable that being away from the fire will lessen her chances of wanting to return to it? Isn't it safer to stay away, while at the same time, the bond we formed (the good feelings) will diminish with her detachment of her feelings for me and the shared times that become only memories and not new experiences being made? Nobody can assure you in your case if it will drive her away or closer to you. But its a risk you have to take. Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 Well, I never tried space since the break-up. I'll try it out for at least a bit and see what happens. I need her to start seeing that I am respecting her. Link to comment
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