Mistreated Her..Is She Gone For Good?

[lostinreading]

I have just spent twenty minutes of my life reading through all these posts and I am going to say it very slowly...

 

you....sound....like....a....crazy....person

 

seriously, even if everything you say is true, nothing and I mean NOTHING you are currently doing is getting you any closer to your goal of having her back.

 

Let me count the ways:

 

*Calling obsessively

*showing up at work (first you told us it was because it was next door to a cake shop, next minute its flowers) - Excuses

*Calling her from work phone (left your mobile at home) - excuses

* emailing her twice to appologise for invading her space, thus invading her space - twice - excuses

 

You actually said you didn't think any of this was that bad, but really, on what scale??!! It is THAT BAD! You need to stop before it gets any worse and, as BeStrong says, she gets a restraining order on you.

 

She has told you unequivocally what she wants, you now need to leave her alone and move on. Preserve what precious little dignity you might be able to salvage.

 

I don't know if we can have contact then, or ever again for that matter.

 

doesn't sound to me like someone who wants you back, or even wants to talk to you, you get me?

 

I know you're hurting and you love her and you're getting help but she just isn't interested any more and the longer you pretend to yourself that she is, the longer it'll take you to get over this. You seriously need to learn from this.

 

You cannot give her support as much as you care, because YOU are the one that caused all her troubles.

 

As a final note, you say you understand how she feels because you were abused in a previous relationship, do you think this might have a little to do with how you ended up as the abuser in this relationship? I'm sure you would say that its a good thing that you're no longer with that abuser, so maybe with a little work, you can see why she will be better without you and you yourself will be better in a different relationship with different dynamics.

 

Best of luck, I really am not trying to be harsh, but you need a little harsh, as you really are quite delusional my friend.

[ImThatGirl]

Okay Seriously.....

 

What I see here is:

 

1) Someone reaching out for help here and admitting a problem.

2) Having difficulty letting go (just like many of us do.)

3) People attempting to help but being severely harsh which is not going to help.

 

GoingForIt77 - - - Not sure if what I have to say will be any help but here goes.

 

You were basically her savior and mentor. You taught her how to stand up for herself and that she deserves so much in life.

 

Then you lost sight and wanted to correct and change every little thing about her.

 

The pressure became too much. She tried to stay strong and deal with the pressure and consequences. The consequences for her though were most likely "losing herself." "Losing her strength, soul, and health" by staying with you.

 

In a sense, she absolutely loves you and you are everything to her. Yet, you've also proven that you are almost like "her worst enemy" by overly criticizing her every move.

 

Even though you taught her to be strong, you were still most likely much of her stability. Allow her time to stand on her own. Allow her time to gain stability.

 

She was left with no other choice but to leave. To love someone so much and endure the pain caused by them is not healthy for anyone.

 

___________________________________________________________

 

I understand your difficulty letting go. You hold onto thoughts like "if she is away for too long I'm afraid she won't come back" and "I know if she hears my voice" and "I know she loves me," etc. etc.

 

She does love you. But she's afraid of you.

 

Let her have time to process everything. Let her go. Send her an email if you must stating you truly love her, respect her wish for space, and will be available if she would ever like to talk. And let her go.

 

You know, YOU WILL be okay if she decides she can't come back to you. You will find happiness and stability again. You will, I promise you.

 

But you have to let her go completely and allow her to make that decision.

 

The saying says: If you let it go, it will come back to you if it's meant to be.

 

Think about that.... Be Strong. Fight the temptations to try to influence her to come back. You can do this.

 

I've experienced a bit of this before. With continued contact, the mind continues to be cloudy. Let her have time to clear the clouds and heal. And you take the time to do the same.

[Iceman26]

In a sense, she absolutely loves you and you are everything to her. Yet, you've also proven that you are almost like "her worst enemy" by overly criticizing her every move.

 

Completely agree.

 

For the record, I'd also like to add that while many people suggest counseling (and I agree that would probably help) for you, I believe she could use it every bit as much as you could.

 

You can't change what has been done. The only thing you can do is change for the future. You have apologized for the way you treated her, now you have to move on and worry about fixing yourself before you are ready to get back into a relationship with her or anyone else, so you don't repeat these mistakes again. I wish you luck.

[krnelson2]

I agree with I'mThatGirl completely!!

 

GFI we are all trying to help you but you are being completely irrational in your thoughts. Im not saying that to be mean, but think about what you are doing and the outcomes you are witnessing.

 

We are here to help, but you need to take our advice as we have all been through tough times.

 

As hard as it seems right now, you need to stop doing what you are doing. PLain and simple. You are overwhelming her right now, and its scaring her.

 

Think about what it is you want to accomplish....

 

Do you want to get her back?

 

Then you need to let go and heal yourself. Make her miss you, and wonder what you are up to. She will miss you. She still loves you, but cant show it right now. When she cant talk to you she will start to wonder what is up and will come around. If not then you are on your way to healing and it wont matter.

 

Question 2: What have you accomplished with everything you are doing?

 

 

Answer....NOTHING!! The only thing you have done is pushed her away farther, made yourself look totally weak and unattractive, and showed her that she can have you whenever she wants/needs.

 

Nobody means any disrespect on here, but it is just so hard to see people who are being led by their hearts and not their heads. Please let your head do the decision making.

 

In reality she told you she doesnt want to be with you or talk to you. That is devistating no matter what. But its the facts. Get on with your life. This girl doesnt deserve you!!

 

Trust me when I say NC works wonders. I have only been doing it for a week, but I feel 1000% better than I did when I was doing the same things you are right now. I am a different person and people are starting to see that. When others see that you are a stronger person she will start to hear things and see things that make her see you have changed. Good luck with everything.

 

We cant give you answers just our opinions, what you choose to do with them is your business. But these are tried and true methods (in our situations). Please keep us posted, we truly care about you!

 

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!

Nothing you can say right now will have any positive affect on her, however there are things you can DO that will. And right now giving her space is your only option. Not "a little space" complete space. NC!!! Please do it for yourself. She WILL realize what she has done and maybe she will come back, maybe she wont.

[ImThatGirl]

 

For the record, I'd also like to add that while many people suggest counseling (and I agree that would probably help) for you, I believe she could use it every bit as much as you could.

 

I agree with this as well. Meant to say so.

 

Not couples counseling but personal counseling to help her with her past and current circumstances.

[stkekeke]

Okay, holy moly, you've all beaten him down enough. He is wrong for treating his woman badly. He is very very in the wrong.

 

So mister, you are very very in the wrong. Figure out how to get out of it. DO BETTER than what you have been, a helluva lot better than getting angry and yelling! Doing your best is all you really can do, and you have to leave the rest up to her.

 

If she doesn't come back, well, you've learned your lesson, right?

[GoingForIt_77]

krnelson2 wrote:

"This girl doesnt deserve you!!"

 

You see, I don't need to hear that, because it's plain not true. My actions were wrong and I will not think she doesn't deserve me. I will not excuse myself of any wrong doing AT ALL this time.

 

krnelson2 also wrote:

"She WILL realize what she has done and maybe she will come back, maybe she wont."

 

SHE has done NOTHING at all, but merely protect herself. She will NOT even consider coming back to me, love or not, until she knows that it's safe (for starters to have contact with me and then MAYBE more).

[Dako]

GFI,

Sure some of the comments here are judgemental, but it's a long thread.

Bound to have some snaps.

 

I do think the majority of posts have been sincere.

From what I've seen, they really do care, and you do come off as remorseful. I do hope you recover from this in good shape and find your way to being really happy.

[GoingForIt_77]

Thank you Dako.

 

I'm really sorry for my actions and she now knows that and she'll know it even more after she sees that our conversation yesterday was sincere and I'm backing it up with my actions now.

 

We both need some space to recover from the emotional we descended into.

 

Once the hurt is gone, or at least lessened and not necessarily the feelings, then we will see where we are at, both where I am at in my therapy and in my resolve and where she is at, as to how open she will be to letting me back in in any capacity.

[GoingForIt_77]

Ellie, I'm doing just that. I am living my life. I have been down this path before. This one is different though, because I should have known better.

 

Regret isn't what's keeping me holding on and having hope. You see, in order to have hope, I not only have to believe in her wanting to, or being able to trust me again, but more so, MYSELF believing in ME again and that's the truth. Being happy with me is what's top on my plate, becaue without that, I will never have her, if I don't have me first.

 

How am I doing today? Well, I am taking the conversation her and I had yesterday afternoon seriously. I am continuing to go for help and work on understanding why I did/do what I do and getting a hold of it. I am laughing at work with my coworkers. I am being positive for me and guess what, I am NOT losing FULL hope either. I am NOT expecting HER to make the first move. She will not be secure enough with ME just yet to do so. Her missing the good time won't be enough for her to contact me and I'm realistic about that. I know I will be the one to do it. I am doing what I said I would do: Give her space, while taking care of MYSELF and then, well, we shall see. I'm not giving up on myself or on her without a fight, without having to resort to fighting that is.

[GoingForIt_77]

Thanks Ellie,

 

Yeah so, I thought I began forgot who I was. I was losing my independence. I was losing my direction. I was losing myself. THAT was NOT her fault. It was my own. There was WAY too much projection on my part.

 

I am confident I can hold out for a bit (weeks, not days). During this time, I am NOT expecting her to contact me. In fact, she will PROBABLY be hoping that I WON'T for at least a little while (maybe she is rooting for me deep down to nip this in the bud...maybe not), but she will most likely be expecting me to.

 

Will I be marking each day off on the calendar? Well, whatever it takes. This will NOT detract from me taking care of ME in the interim, as she is doing with HERSELF, which is something I DID help her learn for herself.

 

These next few weeks will be doing some sick introspection while still trying to NOT only get by, but LIVE, besides, if I have ANY chance in the world, why in the world would she come back to a sad, depressed and lonely guy?

 

Goodnight everybody and thanks for all the replies. We're breaking records here in only 3 days!

 

Peace,

 

Never stop believing

[ImThatGirl]

You sound very brilliant and strong.

 

This must be so difficult for you........!

 

You'll make it. Take a break, focus on yourself and building your strength for awhile.

[krnelson2]

Now you're getting it GFI!!! Thats what we all needed to hear from you. My prior posts were not meant to be disrespectful in any way. I was only sharing my own opinions and my own experiences. I know how much you love her, and I love my ex the same, but holding on to that WILL NOT help you heal.

 

But it sounds like you have made some great strides. Hang in there. We all care about you and noone is trying to be condesending at all. But if you want help we can only give you our experiences. If you dont like what you hear then dont read them, but please know that we are here to help.

[hosswhispra]

If you truly love and respect this girl, you will let her go GFI. I imagine her choice to end things with you was most difficult. But she had to do it for her. We can all learn a lesson from sad things. It's an unfortunate thing to have to go through, but necessary. You can look at it this way: she came into your life for a reason--you can learn from this and grow as a person.

[GoingForIt_77]

She hasn't heard the last of me. I am not letting her go that easy. If we are meant to be, we will be. I am letting her breathe now and enjoy the single life again and reconnect with old friends and the new ones (guys included) she's making on her new chat line (profile she created on Monday)...

 

Notwithstanding I AM getting stronger. I don't back down in the face of adversity. I am not only fighting for her with getting help, but more importantly for MYSELF.

 

Will she miss me now even though she had TONS of male attention from these new guys on her chat? Well, I see it as a smokescreen (a distraction). She needs it to validate to herself that she is attractive and CAN find love elsewhere. Again, will she miss me now? Well, NOW is the time to find out. From Wednesday (day of breakup) to Monday, my presense was always there, thereforeeee her NOT being able to focus on the good and actually appreciate it. She now has NO reminders of me, only those that she will be faced with BECAUSE I am not there. This is the test.

 

Respecting her is HUGE for me. Her curiosity will grow and when I do reach out again, it will be welcomed that much more, because she will take me that much more seriously, seeing I have not only respected her, but myself.

 

To all those who believe that I should never contact her again, well, DUMPERS for the most part do NOT re-initiate contact and I AM realistic about that. Going back in tomorrow would be fatal and it's not only something she would be expecting me to do, but I need more time for myself as well, which is priority on my list!

[lady00]

Please believe me when I tell you this out of concern as someone who was once obsessed with an ex that I loved at the time. You are still planning out how you're going to win her back. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you're obsessing. If you're really concerned about her then you need to really consider what she wants here. She said she wants space and that she didn't even know if she could talk to you again, right? This isn't something like a break where she thinks you two will come back together (or at least she hasn't indicated this as a possibility). Right now she's given you 0 indication that that is what she wants. For all you know, the attention from new guys is not a "smokescreen" or a distraction, it could be something she genuinly enjoys and she could be trying to gradually open herself to dating one of these guys. What happens when she gets into a relationship? Will you automatically call that a rebound?

 

I'm sorry but it sounds like you are seriously in denial about what is going on. That is a natural part of the grieving process. Do yourself a favor and allow yourself to treat this as a final end to the relationship (even if it turns out not to be, it's best to assume it is at this point). That is the best way to assure that you will be happy again. Once you let her go, I mean fully let her go, you will be able to be happy again.

[GoingForIt_77]

Thank you for your concern ladies. I do appreciate it. It is one week today since the breakup and I am on day 3 of no contact...

 

Just reading over some poems by Pablo Neruda (her favorite poet). I came accross the poem entitled: "If You Forget Me" and she may just receive that poem in the mail in some weeks. Asking nothing of her, but a mere, "this made me think of you".

 

I think it is a beautiful poem. I continue to live my life and continue to go for my help. I am ACTUALLY practicing NO CONTACT and giving her the space she asked for.

 

I am all for contact, but when you are strong and calm enough to do so. At that point, your allow your ex to see you in a positive light and someone to perhaps be desired again and in my case, no longer feared. When she says never again, that may not be never. That may have been what she felt at the time, or maybe what I pushed him into saying, because I wasn't respecting her at first, so she wanted to give me no hope.

 

When someone speaks that harshly, it's usually because there are hurt feelings involved.

 

No, I don't think I should give up on her just yet. I am not throwing in the towel just yet. I am continuing to live my life and give her some time to heal, miss me (the good) and decide in her own way, what will be right for her. What she may feel is right for her now, may not in fact be right for her in the future and NONE of you can say otherwise, including me. She changed her mind from wanting to be with me ALWAYS, to not. That can reverse as well. That's something all of you NON-BELIEVERS are in denial about. Can't is NOT part of my vocabulary.

 

Good luck to all of you and never give up on your dreams. Just learn to pursue them in a different manner is all, if you feel they are out of reach. Nothing is out of reach. We won over their hearts ONCE. It is possible to do again.

[krnelson2]

GFI- I see where you are coming from. The first two months of my breakup, I said the same things. "I am not willing to walk away from this that easily" stuff like that. I told myself that I would try everything to get her back, because if a few years down the line I looked back and realized that I didnt try and give it my all I would have never been able to live with myself.

 

With that said, I am in the same position today...I still dont have my ex back. But you are doing what you think is necessary. Good for you for initiating NC while it is still YOUR choice. It is so hard to see the love of your life walk out on you like this...Trust me..Its the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know that sounds silly but I have never felt so diminshed and weak in my whole life... And over another person? looking back it just seems stupid now.

 

But you do what it is you think needs to be done. Just PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE realize that the things you read here are tried and true. By sending her poems and stuff you are only pushing her away. Do you get responses from the things you do? And are they positive?

 

I did all the common things people do after a breakup, many of the things you have done/are doing. I asked my ex later on and she said it was just pushing her away even more.

 

It seems that you are getting your head straight, and I admire you for not giving up this easily. But there has to be a time my friend that you let go of her. She has let go of you, give her what she wants. Let her miss you!!!

 

Peace and Love

[keefy1972]

"She hasn't heard the last of me".

 

Okay, that sounded a little bit creepy. GFI I have been, and continue to be, in your shoes. I had a relationship with a woman that I loved with all of my heart. For some reason though, us being together brought out a side of me that I didn't know I had. I was somewhat verbally abusive and it just killed her attraction for me. Granted, she wasn't actually scared of me, but still it was bad. I did some of the same things as you. I made it a point to maintain contact with her, for fear of being forgotten, but all it did was led to monthly arguments. I would feel strong for a while, but then, I would become impatient and we would argue.

 

I stayed in that cycle for 3 years. 3 Years!!! It's amazing how fast the time flies when you stay so involved in something. I've finally realized that I'm fighting a losing battle and gave up. Sometimes there is just no undoing what was done. Especially if you don't give those bad memories an opportunity to fade. The only way that's possible is with time and distance.

 

Good luck and please listen to what these fine folks have to say. They're all viewing your story objectively and that is very important to remember.

[hosswhispra]

You're post here is scary to me honestly. First it sounds as though you're exercising the concept of No Contact to make your ex miss you. The purpose of No Contact is to help you heal not to make your ex miss you.

 

She has already made her decision and that decision was to break up with you. Please respect her decision.

 

When you say that can't isn't a part of your vocabulary, that is worrisome. It makes me think that you will do anything to get your ex back. That troubles me honestly because you were verbally abusive to her. Your ex has probably done her research about abuse and learned that verbal abuse escalates into physical abuse. She made a healthy decision to get out of an abusive situation with you. You need to respect her choice and any measure you do to try to get her back is ultimately disrespecting her.

 

You can learn from this and grow as a person. Instead of focusing on ways that you can get your ex back, it would be beneficial to you to focus on your involvement in the demise your relationship---and work on that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Just reading over some poems by Pablo Neruda (her favorite poet). I came accross the poem entitled: "If You Forget Me" and she may just receive that poem in the mail in some weeks. Asking nothing of her, but a mere, "this made me think of you".

 

I think it is a beautiful poem. I continue to live my life and continue to go for my help. I am ACTUALLY practicing NO CONTACT and giving her the space she asked for.

 

Sending her the poem is indeed BREAKING no contact and also disrespecting her wishes not to hear from you. It is a continuation of the emotional abuse by trying to wear down her defenses. Your whole attitude still smacks of abuse...."she says no but really means yes" attitude. Stop obsessing about her and start acknowledging the fact that your behaviour is actually rather scary. Instead of obsessing about getting her back, why not focus ALL of your energy on healing yourself. If you send her the poem, then basically you are just paying lip service to the notion that you want to heal yourself...because you will still only be trying to control her.

[lady00]

First off, let me say this: I have been dumped before by someone I loved and dumped other times by people I was really into. I know how much it sucks and I also know that I wasn't listening to what any of my friends or family members said. I had blinders on each time: I only saw one thing...I wanted my ex back and that was it. I wasn't listening to what anyone was telling me. All this to say, what you're going through isn't easy and I know from experience it's really hard to believe or follow the advice that anyone gives you. I did get back together with one of the guys that dumped me. Incidentally, it was a huge mistake because we were incompatible but the point is, I know it's hard to listen to what people are telling you but from what I've seen, the advice here is great and I wish I would have followed similar advice in the past.

 

I agree...don't send the poem. It's a bad idea, almost guaranteed to push her further away. Even if you have the best of intentions, trust me, if you send the poem, she will see it as more disrespect, more pressure. You had good intentions when you dropped by her place of work and that turned out badly. I predict sending the poem will have the same impact. People hate pressure, they run from it and whomever is putting it on them. That's because they want to feel that they have freedom of choice. While a poem received from a potential love interest or admirer may be received with intrigue by her, a poem from a former lover that she left will probably be perceived as that person being unable to let go and trying to make her change her mind. People don't want anyone to try to change their minds. They want to feel free to make up their own minds. If she comes back, it will be because she exercised freedom of choice. Her decision is fully hers and there is nothing you can do to bring her back. There are, however, lots of things that you can do that will make her never want to hear from you again.

 

Your best bet is to go NC without any plans to break contact. If she calls you well then you will have to figure out what to do from there.

You mentioned that dumpers do not usually reinitiate contact. That doesn't mean it's up to the dumpee to reinitiate contact at some point down the line and try to come back. It means the dumper does not want to come back. If they did, they'd initiate contact and try to make it happen.

 

It's hard right now to think in these terms...but make sure you don't fall into the trap of believing your ex is the only person you will ever love or be attracted to again. That sends a message that you are not feeling as self-confident and independent as you could be feeling. Everyone has different tastes and different things that attract them to someone but no one wants to be with someone who doesn't have confidence and independence. If they do, they are probably looking to take advantage of that person's lack of confidence and independence. It's good that you're seeking help...that is probably the first step toward healing and getting your self confidence back. Once you truly throw yourself into that process, you'll probably start to realize again that there are other people out there for you and you will find a relationship that is as (or more) fulfilling and loving.

[CarnelianButterfly]

NC is not a tool for manipulation, its a way to distance yourself from the relationship and respect the other person desire to not be with you.

 

By mailing her that poem you will be manipulating her, using her feelings against her better judgment. You may get an emotional response, but what's to say that in the future her head will over rule her heart once more. From the sound of things she got out because her head told her you were bad for her and she's ignoring her heart. If you try to play games with her by aiming things at her that will make her feel sorry for you or bring up unwanted emotions, she is not going to love, she'll end up resenting you. If you don't leave her alone until she contacts you, it could very well mean a restraining order against you. If any of my friends told me their ex was acting like you have, I would offer to drive them to the police so they can file a report.

[GoingForIt_77]

No poem guys!!! No way!!! I reconsidered. I am not going to do any grand gestures of ANY KIND....

 

Each day I am growing stronger. I am still hanging in there!!! I am taking care of me now and as much as she does need her space and enjoy her chat line and all those people she is connecting and reconnecting with, I NEED to enjoy myself too and live for ME.

 

I am not giving up hope entirely. I just had a great therapy session tonight and I am still respecting her space and myself in the process...

 

So, as I said, no poems, no flowers, no love. I am thinking more logical now. My heart is STILL engaged and will be when I DO contact her, but my head will be leading the way. I am in charge of my own destiny!!

[GoingForIt_77]

Understand THIS ladies. I have not once asked her to come back to me. I have not ONCE told that she is making a mistake.

 

My contact with her from Wednesday to Monday was me demonstrating SINCERE remorse and regret and telling her I UNDERSTAND where she is at in herself.

 

I have NOT pushed her to come back. No need to WORRY. I showed resolve for 5-6 days. She was kind with me on Monday and I was kind with her.

 

She did not say NO to having contact with me. If she wanted to end ALL contact she would have asked me for her things back, which she wanted to do originally. She has NOT done so just yet.

 

She is NOW putting me to the test for the very LAST time. She asked for a little space and guess what ladies? This is exactly what I am giving her and myself as well.

 

NONE of you KNOW how she is going to react once contact is made. Only SHE knows and me allowing her to heal now, which is showing her that I care CANNOT make me out to be the bad guy.

 

I am NOT a creep. I am NOT crazy. I am NOT a stalker, or a harasser. I am NOT YOUR ex-boyfriends ladies, so please STOP treating me like YOUR punching bag.

 

I am thinking of both of us now and there is NOTHING wrong with that. It's MY decision to do so and I am NOT doubting that.