Talk me out of this. Thought I'd grown up?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

My boyfriend of 1 year, 3 months has done nothing wrong.

 

He treats me respectfully and brilliantly, like a good friend as well as a lover.

 

Our sex life is excellent - frequent, varied, open and commicative.

 

I trust him, and his character-assessing abilities - he is happy with and honest in his desire to just be faithful to me/love me/marry me in next couple of years - I'm set to move in about November-time this year.

 

We have been through illness, death, mental illness, major exams, holidays, day-to-day living, and seem to handle everything pretty well as a couple.

 

I don't think - in fact, I know - that we have never had an argument. Emotive discussions about past experiences maybe, or things we arn't comfortable with...but its always been resolved, and such discussions arn't frequent at all.

 

I like him as a person. I think he is a throughly genuine, honest individual who'd never intentionally hurt anybody.

 

He's fairly amusing.

 

And he's VERY attractive.

 

On a superficial level, he also owns outright his own house, 2 cars and has a degree from a good university.

 

I'm going to use the very kind of language I abhor in others (I know, and I'm sorry) - he's just a fantastic "all rounder", and I sincerely don't think I'd find anyone else I'd prefer to spend my life with.

 

But...but. There's always a but, isn't there?

1) Committment phobia (mine, not his)

2) Infidelity Addiction (mine, not his)

 

1) Before I met my boyfriend, I was doing a lot of what people politely call "playing the field". I did it because I could, because I'd been considered "ugly and fat" when I was younger, it was as though I wanted to grab the whole world and get proof from everyone I could that I WAS attractive, I WAS good enough. I don't actually know how many people I've been with...which doesn't sit well with me, but I know why I did it.

 

No responsibility, a whole lot of excitement, and a lot of, well, adoration. I'm ashamed, but I'm human?

 

And I miss my old persona for that very reason. Whenever I was down, it'd only take a few hours of being with someone, making them feel as though I was brilliant, to make ME feel brilliant.

Now that I'm with someone who knows my faults and so forth, I feel vulnerable to the point of being sick. I hate it, I cry a lot over this.

It's not the fooling around with other people I want - its...I don't know. The feeling of reassurance that I was in complete control, I suppose. That I had more power to hurt than BE hurt, which is currently the case.

 

I am chronically insecure and HATE my body, and this is at 18..in another ten years itll be much worse, and at 40...at this rate I'll be in my room sobbing because I'll be so ugly and worse, I'll have aged!

 

Its now at the stage where, on my own, I'll have a minor crying attack when I see topshelf magazines, I'm just so friggin UGLY, I mean OBVIOUSLY. And he's only with me because he's not in a place to mix with really hot people.

5ft 7ins, 36C/D breasts, 139lbs, size 6-8 US, clear skin...and I LOATHE myself.

 

I often think "I can't compete with 99% of women out there anyway, so I'll just leave him".

But I love him, I don't want to.

 

2) Infidelity Addiction - relating to 1). I am not unfaithful to my boyfriend, but am addicted to reading msgboards (not just ENA) on Coping With Infidelity. Some days I'll act as though I've just been dumped and as though I'm going through No Contact with him.

 

Its an addiction, and its insane.

 

I don't feel I can really live with this a whole lot longer. Its a massive burden to me to have to cope with all of this, but then again..I love him, I don't WANT to leave him.

 

But I am currently going mad. I have spoken of some of this to him, but I'm not stupid and know that "Jealousy and Insecurity" is NOT attractive, and I'm trying to get over it in my own time.

 

I don't want to sleep with other people, but I don't really want the current situation either.

[Siriana]

 

1.I'm set to move in about November-time this year.

 

2.And he's only with me because he's not in a place to mix with really hot people.

 

3.5ft 7ins, 36C/D breasts, 139lbs, size 6-8 US, clear skin...and I LOATHE myself.

 

Hi Anti, I am not shure if you find my advice usefull (I am not very good in empathy) and I promise I'm not stalking you around ENA but since you're only a time zone ahead of me I always see your posts and answer them.

 

1. Maybe this has triggered your toughts. Are you in panick because of that? I understood that you two are going to move in? Maybe you're affraid of that.

 

Also keep in mind that the fact you miss excitment you used to have by having various partners is something normal. We all want to go out once in a while to have some fun, too see how attractive we are.....to see how many numbers we can get. Include insecurity about your looks that needs a lot of reassurance...and suddenly you need that attention.

When I want some attention in superficial way I grab a coffie with my friend, put some make up and than a few looks from different guys (no talk, no flirting...) makes me feel better.

Of course your issues are much more deeper but still, we all miss excitment of something new from time to time.

 

2. I'll just pretend I didn't read that.

 

3. 170 cm, 63 kg. You already know how you're not objective when it comes to your looks. Your weight is perfect and you're hot (not as hot as I am - just kidding! I am a midget comparing to you. Only 158 cm).

 

So, I really think you do love him a lot, but because of your issues (don't get offended, I don't know better word) you're sabotaging this.

Are you seeing a therapist? By that I don't mean seeing some boring shrink who is just sitting ther, but have you tried to find a good psychiatrist or psychologist who is capable of learning you how to deal with stresses on daily basis?

 

Oh, and one more thing - do you have talent for art or for something smilar?

I discovered how when I do something I enjoy I have this feeling of accomplishment that makes me more self conscious.

[robowarrior]

Think for yourself, or put your life in another persons hand.

 

If someone calls you fat and worthless, even if you where fat and worthless, who is the one rowing backwards in the darkness. The place where you go wrong is'

 

omg they are right i am fat and worthless,

 

while you should have said to yourself.

 

Someone who calls me fat and worthless isn't worth wasting my listening ear on.

 

You see people should love you 'unconditionally' those people who live in darkness and don't love you no matter even if you where skinny or fat, these are the kind of people that you need to cast out of your life.

 

Negativity leads to nowhere.

 

You see your boyfriend loves you unconditionally, even if you gained a few pounds, basically the people who called you fat in the past, have made you feel insecure towards how others perceive you. You thought something in the lines of 'if im not skinny they won't love me'.

 

I think what you did wrong, is not protecting yourself and exposing yourself by opening yourself up to demonical opinions, of individuals who where only out to destroy you.

 

You see you need to be like a castle gate, closing yourself to bad/people/things events. If that was the case, you would have said to yourself , guys like girls not skeletons, a few pounds is ok, why? Because i say so, not because of what others say. The only reason why you shouldn't be fat , is purely because its bad for your health, nothing more. Same reason why you shouldn't turn yourself in a skeleton, its bad for your health. You need to stop exposing yourself to bad people, but in retrospect you need to open yourself up to your boyfriend who has good intentions with you. That way you could show him your full comittment.

 

So the lesson here is open and close yourself to the right people, as to shutting yourself off to negative comments.

 

As said their negative remarks only lead to nothing, wow what a hero for calling someone fat, can you see how empty headed and uncaring these kind of individuals are? These people contribute nothing to your life, their comments = 0. So trash it.

 

Start defining your own life, and be who you want to be. Start working on your condition for yourself, Start saying i love myself for who i am. And even if the whole world doesn't support me, i support and believe in myself.

 

And you know, what do looks matter? Looks only matter to people who are superficial to begin with. They don't value nor know you for the person who you are. Even in the bible it says 'do not judge' so anyone who judges you is wrong to begin with.

[DizzyDoris]

Ive said this before, but you wont try them in case of weight gain (which i really dont think would happen...) I really think you should go to your doctors and try anti-depressants.

 

Depression is an illness that will not just go away by itself. You have nothing to lose by trying them only everything to gain.

 

As for your weight, you are NOT fat and ive seen your avator pic....you are very pretty!

[Day_Walker]

You are 18 years old, I wouldnt expect you to know what you want and be ready to settle down. Perhaps you should reconsider the course of your relationship.

[fnlyfrei]

Okay, at 40, I take offense to the fact that you think aging makes one ugly. What makes a person physically unattractive I think is perhaps not eating right or excersizing...taking vitamins...I think I am "hotter" at 40 than I was at 18, or 20...and attitude. You need to love YOURSELF. Those other people who made you feel good about yourself are not what you are looking for. If you have that INSIDE...you do not need anyone to tell you..you know it. That confidence is what exudes from you and attracts other people....without sleeping with anyone or having superficial compliments to lift you up. Having self-love also takes away those insecurities you feel in your relationship. Your man is there because he can obviously see what you can't...he isn't thinking about who you aren't. I hope you take the journey to discover how dang great you are. You are obviously beautiful and intelligent. The only person you have to convince that of...is YOURSELF!!!!!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

NO NO I DID NOT mean that at 40 you become ugly!#

 

Oh sweet jaysus I didn't mean that, I jsut meant I can only see myself getting upset about ageing on top of everything else, yeah?

Sure I know plenty of attractive thirty/fortysomethings...but no way will *I* ever be one of them, I'm clearly too disgusting. THATS what I meant.

 

OK...

 

No one ever called me fat, except a bit of bullying in my childhood (before I was 13 years old, and it wasn't severe).

 

And no, I've felt like this from almost Day One, not since we've chosen to set a Moving In Date.

 

I am no good at art.

 

I just want to be thin, I just want to be good enough in MY eyes.

 

This is not what anyone else has said. It's about MY warped opinion of MYSELF.

 

And to me at least, looks matter a lot. Its what you have to put up with 24/7. Moods change, looks don't. I'm sick of trying to convince myself otherwise.

 

I've tried conventional shrinks, and the friendly-counsellor type. I even liked the woman, she was very nice and so forth, but I felt so sorry for her because nothing she said made any difference and I just went home crying.

 

I hate myself, COMPLETELY. Tonight I'm so angry. Not at you good people, but at me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Only you can fix yourself, nobody else can do it for you. Are you in school or do you have a job? Focus on school, career goals, travel plans, extracurricular activities, hobbies, reading, writing whatever...focusing on looks is a waste of someone's talent and life. It is what we do not how we look that matters. If you get out there, volunteer your time somewhere, help people, develop interests which you are passionate about...then you will have no time to obsess on looks. You are young, don't let this be a lifelong obsession because it will really drag you down and make you bitter and angry. There is always someone prettier, someone younger, someone smarter, someone more athletic, someone more well-rounded etc. who cares. It is what you make of life that counts. As for marriage, you need to be happy within yourself or else marriage will be doomed to failure.

[Siriana]

I think you must be stubborn in finding a good therapist.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Well, possibly.

 

But I'm very very tired of "self improvement" that simply doesnt get me anywhere. I've tried socialising more/less, chagning my entire studying/college path, more exercise, less exercise, volunteering, therapy, CBT, selfhelp books, religion....

 

And still, all I am inclined towards is anger and depression. In my eyes I am simply a fat failure.

 

I also don't believe you need selflvoe to get married. Plenty of VERY low people love their spouses...its not really relevant (aside from your partner having to put up wirth less crap, I expect)

[applepie]

I don't have any advice, but I'd just like to make a comment. You are an incredibly beautiful and intelligent person and I can't understand why you are so hard on yourself. It sounds like you have a great boyfriend who loves you very much. If I could have just one of those things, I think I'd die a happy person.

 

I hope that you find peace with yourself sooner rather than later. I can't help but admire you when I read your posts.

[Siriana]

But I'm very very tired of "self improvement" that simply doesnt get me anywhere. I've tried socialising more/less, chagning my entire studying/college path, more exercise, less exercise, volunteering, therapy, CBT, selfhelp books, religion.... And still, all I am inclined towards is anger and depression.

 

Well possibly you will have to deal with that in smaller or bigger extent trough whole your life. You need to accept you are not perfect (no one is) and that we all have some problems do deal with on a daily basis where we need to be stubborn not to give up. So even if you go on therapy I don't think a theraphist has a magic wand that will make you happy till the end of your life. You'll still have the same problems, but just maybe you will know how to deal with them better on a daily basis.

[kadvati79]

I've battled with sex addiction since I was 20, so for five years. I've been in and out of twelve step programmes for it. I've lost several partners because of it. And I've only ever loved one person, whom I hurt terribly with not just my infidelity but my... well... madness.

 

I had a therapist once who, when I was talking about how I could remove this whole aspect of my personality and everything it came with, asked me whether perhaps this... madness... was one of the things that made me so successful at the things I do.

 

The things that have helped me:

 

1. Going to SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anon), or AA, or DA, meetings.

2. Having a damn good cry

3. Reading the SLAA book, which relates others "intrigue" addictions

4. Focusing on the things I am good at, and being successful in them

5. Putting myself in situations where I feel happy and content, with old friends, where I am not tempted to "perform"

[Baby Carrot]

Now that I'm with someone who knows my faults and so forth, I feel vulnerable to the point of being sick. I hate it, I cry a lot over this.

It's not the fooling around with other people I want - its...I don't know. The feeling of reassurance that I was in complete control, I suppose. That I had more power to hurt than BE hurt, which is currently the case.

in another ten years itll be much worse, and at 40...at this rate I'll be in my room sobbing because I'll be so ugly and worse, I'll have aged!

I think both things has to do a lot with... ambition. You do know everything has a certain price. Being in a relationship implies a certain amount of vulnerability, and being alone does not, but it implies not having that wonderful feeling of closeness and love in your tummy.

 

About the fear of aging, well I'm at that point as well. I feel 23 going 48 and it scares the crap outta me. But the truth is I'm still a baby and you are too. And we can't have it both ways. Right now I'm wishing I had the independence and wisdom of a 48 year old and when I'm that age I'll be wishing I had the youth I have right now, and that I'm pissing away with neurotic attitudes.

[need2bme]

Baby Carrot: Well said.

 

AntiLove: Gotta love your handle. All I can ever do is joke, becuase I do not know how to be intimate. My idea of sex lately is to have it like a porno star. I was not always this way. In fact, I used to be quite different. I have heard that sometimes whatever we have in our minds, be it mental disorders or simply the way our personalities cause us to look at things, comes out when we get older.

 

I have dropped many a class and thought I was never good enough for anyone, but I am simply tired of living this way. I guess you gotta hit bottom sometimes.

 

Do you feel like you don't measure up? Do you feel as if you deserve sadness? IMB and some of the guys had some discourse back and forth over a "propensity for sadness" and whether we had it. IMB stated that was one of the things we could control and let it wash over us like a familiar friend.

 

Also, I think if it is all we have known for a while, it really make us feel better because it is familiar.

 

I wish you the best, because I totally see you helping everyone and I can tell you at an "older" age, that I DO wish I would have done things differently when I was younger.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

applepie...many thankyous. Not sure what to say; but if I had the words, they'd be very positive!

 

I absolutely feel I don't measure up.

 

Today I had a Sociology exam. I wrote 6 . 5 sides in 1 hour, and now all I can think about is how awfully I did. And yes, I got a high A on the mock exam.

[Pisces_Princess]

Just an observation but why do you have a picture of yourself for this community to see if you are so 'down' on the way you look?

 

I think that shows quite a lot of courage and confidence...x

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Because people are too polite to say "You look ugly".

 

Because I think its always nice to "put a face to a name".

 

Because it is for my body that I really reserve my selfhatred, rather than my face, which I just dislike.

 

Because it gets positive attention from people like you

[Suesser Tod]

This sounds so familiar, maybe because I fed myself the same kind of excuses for several years. Though, they were in very different situations.

 

My boyfriend of 1 year, 3 months has done nothing wrong.

 

Here we go, opening the post with a justification.

 

 

He treats me respectfully and brilliantly, like a good friend as well as a lover.

 

Our sex life is excellent - frequent, varied, open and commicative.

 

I trust him, and his character-assessing abilities - he is happy with and honest in his desire to just be faithful to me/love me/marry me in next couple of years - I'm set to move in about November-time this year.

 

We have been through illness, death, mental illness, major exams, holidays, day-to-day living, and seem to handle everything pretty well as a couple.

 

I don't think - in fact, I know - that we have never had an argument. Emotive discussions about past experiences maybe, or things we arn't comfortable with...but its always been resolved, and such discussions arn't frequent at all.

 

I like him as a person. I think he is a throughly genuine, honest individual who'd never intentionally hurt anybody.

 

He's fairly amusing.

 

And he's VERY attractive.

 

On a superficial level, he also owns outright his own house, 2 cars and has a degree from a good university.

 

I'm going to use the very kind of language I abhor in others (I know, and I'm sorry) - he's just a fantastic "all rounder", and I sincerely don't think I'd find anyone else I'd prefer to spend my life with.

 

But...but. There's always a but, isn't there?

1) Committment phobia (mine, not his)

2) Infidelity Addiction (mine, not his)

 

No, in fact, there isn’t. But you can make up as many as you want, so here we go…

 

1) Before I met my boyfriend, I was doing a lot of what people politely call "playing the field". I did it because I could, because I'd been considered "ugly and fat" when I was younger, it was as though I wanted to grab the whole world and get proof from everyone I could that I WAS attractive,

 

Lets play, connect the dots

 

That is not a reason to cheat, it is a justification to do this:

 

And I miss my old persona for that very reason. Whenever I was down, it'd only take a few hours of being with someone, making them feel as though I was brilliant, to make ME feel brilliant.

 

That as you know, you don’t really want it:

 

I WAS good enough. I don't actually know how many people I've been with...which doesn't sit well with me, but I know why I did it.

 

No responsibility, a whole lot of excitement, and a lot of, well, adoration. I'm ashamed, but I'm human?

 

Yes, you are a human, a self indulgent human.

 

This line surprised me a lot, I wouldn’t expect it from you:

 

I WAS good enough. I don't actually know how many people I've been with...which doesn't sit well with me, but I know why I did it.

 

That is not true, you know it. You’re just choosing not to know the truth.

 

Now that I'm with someone who knows my faults and so forth, I feel vulnerable to the point of being sick. I hate it, I cry a lot over this.

 

Feeling vunerable is something you have to learn to live with, not something you should avoid.

 

It's not the fooling around with other people I want - its...I don't know. The feeling of reassurance that I was in complete control, I suppose. That I had more power to hurt than BE hurt, which is currently the case.

 

Little Emily, running away, as usual. I’m surprised you haven’t found a pattern yet.

 

I am chronically insecure and HATE my body, and this is at 18..in another ten years itll be much worse, and at 40...at this rate I'll be in my room sobbing because I'll be so ugly and worse, I'll have aged!

 

Its now at the stage where, on my own, I'll have a minor crying attack when I see topshelf magazines, I'm just so friggin UGLY, I mean OBVIOUSLY. And he's only with me because he's not in a place to mix with really hot people.

5ft 7ins, 36C/D breasts, 139lbs, size 6-8 US, clear skin...and I LOATHE myself.

 

I totally buy this. Been there, done that. I know I’m not handsome, but not ugly either, and I’m fat (that is a fact). But I feel as if I were the ugliest man in the whole world. So I know the feeling.

 

But I’ll give you a bit of what you want. I haven’t seen anything else than pictures of your face, and trust me, you’ve a beautiful face. I can say, with no doubt, that you are a beautiful woman, and that is by seeing pictures of your face and your description.

 

I often think "I can't compete with 99% of women out there anyway, so I'll just leave him".

But I love him, I don't want to.

 

At the end of your post, you said you didn’t want the relationship, but you love him. Something doesn’t make sense, there is something else you’re trying to avoid there.

 

2) Infidelity Addiction - relating to 1). I am not unfaithful to my boyfriend, but am addicted to reading msgboards (not just ENA) on Coping With Infidelity. Some days I'll act as though I've just been dumped and as though I'm going through No Contact with him.

 

Its an addiction, and its insane.

 

You love drama, and like to feed your brain new stuff to come up with, more drama.

 

This is what you’ve created:

 

I don't feel I can really live with this a whole lot longer. Its a massive burden to me to have to cope with all of this, but then again..I love him, I don't WANT to leave him.

 

That burden of you, is your own creation. And you are feeding it, every day. By the way, in case you end up breaking with your boyfriend, that burden will make it waaayyy easier.

 

Basically same thing as cheating before you get cheated.

 

But I am currently going mad. I have spoken of some of this to him, but I'm not stupid and know that "Jealousy and Insecurity" is NOT attractive, and I'm trying to get over it in my own time.

 

You’re choosing to be alone there, because of your fears and insecurity, but also shows how much you care about the relationship. However, in your own time, you end up letting your mind play tricks on you, and digging up a deeper hole.

 

I don't want to sleep with other people, but I don't really want the current situation either.

 

Nice set of options that you’ve come up for yourself there!

 

 

AS, You have a lot of growing up to do yet, and the first step will be to let yourself grow up.

 

Why aren’t you in college yet? You’ve chosen not to be in college by now, by not getting good grades, you know it. Isn’t it more comfortable where you are now?

 

It’s the same thing as with “playing the field”. You got to have fun, but the most important part, you got some big free ego cookies as a bonus.

 

That is easy, requires little to no effort, and is for the most part, safe, as you avoid the unknown and the new challenges that may come up. Obviously, the same thing can be said about maintaining your current relationship. Playing the field has no secrets for you, a relationship, specially such a long one, is packed with new challenges that you have to cope with every day.

 

I see one big problem here, you have created your comfortable world around you, and you don’t want anything to come and break it. It’s mostly a result of insecurity. The problem is, you don’t want to face it, you’ve got yourself all kind of justifications to stay in there.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Hi Em, wow theres a lot in the post above and its look fine to me Suesser Tod seems to know what there talking about.

 

Me I just think of some fine old ladys I have net in my life, who have lived, loved and lost. You know the kind worldy and knowing yet with that girl sparkal in the eye. What I like most about them is there centered they know ago has taken looks away yet they look grate, they know they have out lived lovers and husbands yet there so full of love, some how I have a feeling a long time form now you will be own of thows wonderfull old ladys who hold them selfs with such grace and smile with eyes that have lived.

 

Spugly

[Pisces_Princess]

Suesser Tod, WOW! Amazing response...

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Christ almighty...ST, I wouldnt have expected ignorance and patronizing generalizations from you!

 

You're a smart guy. But...I certainly dont just run away.

 

Im not little, I'm fat

 

I've done A LOT of brave things over the past year or so, ive made many massive changes, dont you dare just ..rain all over that

 

Cheers

[caro33]

I agree the ST post was confronting, and that it may have not given some credit where it was due.

 

But AntiLove do you not see anything of value in the post? Does nothing resonate with you?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Of course it does. I know I have problems and that i'm a bad person.

 

I don't like having it put down my throat, i guess even if he is right!

[ImThatGirl]

AntiLove....

 

Just wanted to say that I can completely relate.

 

- I know the fear

- I know what it's like to hate myself and my looks and cry over a magazine

- I know the insecurity and the anxiety that comes with it as we let our guards down even further

- I know the need for constant attention and reassurance

 

I think you know as well as I do - The other option you are looking at, "being single, without him, and playing the field" is never rewarding nor does it feel good either.

 

When you lived that lifestyle, how did you feel at the end of each day? I'm guessing like **it. I'm sure your self worth was even less at the end of the day.

 

Now - some things I've noticed..............

----- Meeting his friends is inevitable and I think near. That thought alone will raise this anxiety for you. He loves you, Em. And unconditionally. Look at how he accepts you Girl! He always accepts whatever you put on the table. If you're crying because you looked at a magazine, he consoles you, doesn't he?

 

My point is this --> He's been with you for a year and three months. If you had been fake from day one until now and hidden your true personality, then maybe you'd have reason to worry. But you have been nothing but real and true to yourself and him both.

 

Just accept it. The guy loves you!

 

Do not sabotage the past several months of progress you've made. Do not sabotage and start back at square one.

 

And yep - You are beautiful. You have a very beautiful face I'll say since that's all I can see in your pic. You do. Can we trade chins?