Had it with smugness... rant...

[justpaisley]

To all the preggos on this forum: This is definitely a pregnancy/labor horror story. You're warned.

 

The following timeline is merely a side explanation of the larger issue. Feel free to skip it all.

 

Sometime in 1988: Decided I REALLY wanted to be a mother, and made it my life's goal.

2001: Got married, immediately stopped having periods

2003: Diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, a disorder that, basically, stops ovulation and periods. Tried several different treatments, hated them all, decided I'd just go without any treatment at all. Figured since we were moving from Los Angeles to Mississippi soon, I wouldn't try fertility treatments at all yet. If it happens before then, it happens.

2004: Got pregnant, quite by surprise. Hadn't had a regular period in quite a while. That pregnancy was unfortunately an ectopic and had to be ended. Resolved that if I lost another baby, I wouldn't try again. Was too scared to have sex for months.

January 2005: Get a scan to determine status of fallopian tubes - left one is blocked by something, don't know what. Whatever it was caused my ectopic. Hubby and I decided we'd wait till June to try to get pregnant again. Start having regular-ish periods.

June 2005: Periods stop completely. Starting to get God's point.

August 2005: Go to OB/GYN to tell her about pain I'm having and to ask about fertility meds. She thinks the pain might be endometriosis, decides to do a laparoscopy.

September 2005: Congratulations, I have endometriosis. It caused my ectopic, but it's all cleared up so I have a VERY low risk of a second one. Here are some fertility meds.

October 2005: First round of fertility treatment succeeds in me being a giant b-word. Resolve to lobby lawmakers to mandate addition of tranqulizers to all fertility meds.

November-December 2005: Second round does the same thing, but also gets me pregnant.

December 2005-May 2006: Spend entire time terrified of something going wrong. Second ectopic, miscarriage, stillbirth, prematurity.

May 30, 2006: Water breaks. I'm only 7 months pregnant.

June 4th, 2006: My son is born, 11 weeks early.

June 4th-August 3rd, 2006: My son lives in the NICU at the hospital, spending time on lots of wires and scary equipment.

June 11th, 2006: My c-section incision opens because of an infection-related hematoma, and I ooze goo for nearly 3 months. Having to have a nurse at my house 3 times a day to stuff gauze in my wound was humiliating enough - when my insurance decided they'd only pay for once a day, my husband said he'd do it. If that's not a self-esteem killer, I don't know what is. It was also tremendously painful. Eventually, I stifled my gag reflex and did it myself. My husband insists he still finds me attractive, but sheesh. He really meant the "for worse" part of our vows, bless his heart.

 

Sometime in there: I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN, DANG IT. I think God's made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want me to be pregnant, don't y'all? Number one, knowing that my child was "dissolving" inside of me, wanting to dive inside myself to protect him or her - worst feeling of my life. Number two, seeing my tiny little son struggle mightily through his first 2 months of life - being a visitor instead of a mother - worst feeling of my life.

 

Whenever people ask me when I'm having another one, I say "the second of never." Unfailingly, I'm met with this smug smile and a big old "You'll change your mind." No words have ever grated me as much as these. My husband hopes I change my mind, because he wants more children, and I'll obviously have to take that into account, but JEEZ...

 

Usually, I change the subject, because it's really painful to me to think of getting pregnant again. Today, one of my dearest friends pushed the issue. She acknowledged my obvious change of subject, then said "You really do forget all the pain eventually and just want to have a newborn to cuddle again." Like hell I do. Quite simply put, she gets pregnant if her husband sneezes on her, and had three mostly complication-free pregnancies. No prematurity. Yes, she'd had 2 miscarriages and 2 abortions before having the 3 children she has now, but she didn't want those pregnancies (obviously) and admitted that she didn't feel the pain of loss that I felt.

 

Before I ask for advice on what's become an extremely long post, I have to give all of you advice: Do not ask a couple if they're planning on having children, or if they'll have another child, unless you know them extremely well. You have no idea what they could be going through, and asking them this could bring up serious pain.

 

I can't tell you how much it hurts me to think of getting pregnant again... I've frequently picked up the phone wanting to call my OB and schedule a tubal ligation, but I know how much my husband wants more children. Besides, she'd probably try to talk me out of it.

 

I'm probably just venting. But how do I get people, especially my closest friends and family, to shut up about it and leave the subject alone?

[emma34]

First of all, I am very sorry you had to go through that - it's every women's worst nightmare and you've been really strong. What a success though, don't you think? You still had a baby. I don't there is anything uncommon about having only one child. I mean, that national average is 2.2. It's your decision of course....but also, you can't expect everyone else to understand. My personal advice...be straight forward with them "i'm not thinking about having babies right now, or in the future. It's a sensitive issue for me". You have other options if you decide to have another child...adoption, etc.

 

I'm sure that other people mean no harm when they ask you about having another baby. But i understand it is a sensitive issue for you, so i say tell them you don't appreciate the pressure to have another baby.

[Dara]

Oh my gosh. How unfortunate that you and your baby had to go through that. When people ask if you're having another baby tell them that you have medical problems and another pregnancy would be risky.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

I get that same smugness you are talking about when I tell any of my friends-become-daddies that I'm not interested in having kids. "Oh, I was once like you. You'll change you mind.", as if to say that they've reached some new level of enlightenment because they became parents. And then I get other turds telling me "you don't want kids?!?!? That's so selfish!". Like it's my purpose to populate the earth with my offspring.

 

Makes me wanna pop 'em one.

[itsallgrand]

Oh my god. That post has me gasping.

 

I have no advice.

 

Your words are good ones though. And it applies to not only couples, but single women and men too. Folks don't know what others have been through, or why they have chosen what they have. Sometimes people just don't think.

 

If I ever find out a terrific way to deflect annoying relations and family members and their comments about pregnancy (or lack-there-of) - I'll let you know! Unfortunately, I'm still trying to figure that out myself.

 

And Reluctant Rebuilder...gasp at anyone claiming someone without kids is selfish! What in the world? That is just nuts.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

gasp at anyone claiming someone without kids is selfish! What in the world? That is just nuts.

 

Where I live everyone gets married in their early twenties, buys a house, buys a new car, has two kids and saves all their money for retirement. If you are in your thirties, reasonably attractive, single, live in an apartment or a condo, and spend your money on making your life interesting, it is assumed that you are either gay or some kind of freak.

 

This place sucks.

 

 

Oh and paisley80, forgot to say, what those people unknowingly put you through is garbage. IMO, you would be completely in the right to let loose with a fury of biblical proportions on anyone who suggests that you have to go through that again. I think that if you do that once or twice, the word will spread, and they'll leave you alone.

[justpaisley]

Thanks for your replies, everyone!

 

Emma34 - yes, it was definitely a success, because I love my child more than I could have ever imagined. (Even tonight, when he's giving me hell because I kept him up an hour past his bedtime.) If, back in 2004 when my journey started, I could have seen into the future, I'd do it all again for him. However, the idea of possibly going through it again to produce a child I don't know... the abstract idea of a child, even, is not even near tempting. And I know people don't mean any harm... that's why I'm putting it out there that people should avoid asking at all, because for someone from my perspective and many, many others (as itsallgrand and Reluctant Rebuilder pointed out), it's very hurtful and very intrusive.

 

Dara - that's the thing, most of the people asking already know my history. They're the ones that say I'll "get over it."

 

Reluctant Rebuilder - I can't believe people would think you are selfish for not having kids. Unless you're genetic gold or something. Wouldn't it be selfish for you TO have kids, considering you don't want them? I swear, people don't think. And re: your other comment - you're probably right. The reason I'm venting here instead of my blog is that many of the askers read my blog. Normally, this would be all over the page. "Stop asking me, it hurts my feelings." Normally, I don't mind confrontation. However, I don't want to hurt my friends' feelings because like emma34 says, I know they're not asking to hurt my feelings. I guess I'm just REALLY tired of the smugness. Especially from people with no personal experience of any of the things I've gone through.

 

itsallgrand - you're such an asset here, such a good poster. And you're absolutely right! Ugh... When you're single, it's "When are you going to date?" When you start dating someone, it's "When are you getting married?" When you get married, it's "When are you having kids?" When you have a kid, it's "When are you having another?" When you have another, it's "When are you going to stop?" Good heavens. Mind ya own dang bidness.

 

This was a popular subject on a message board I used to post to for women who had suffered ectopic pregnancies. In addition to all the other insensitivity we'd face ("well, at least it wasn't a REAL baby") we'd have to field the "when are you going to try again" questions. It was really hard, mourning a baby, then listening to someone act as if it never happened.

 

I just got back from visiting my son's nurses at the NICU a little while ago and I talked to one of the nurses there that I knew had twin preemies, one of whom didn't survive, and she said "It took me 10 years to be ready again." I told my husband that and told him not to bug me for at least another 5.

[Dako]

Sorry you went through all that.

I've know women with similar tales, and leave the nagging about babies to the less enlightened.

One coworker tried everything to conceive without luck. To ask her about kids would be cruel.

Signing up for parenthood is a big deal, not a cute whim.

 

I got fixed 30 years ago and have never been pressured to be a daddy.

Snip snip.

[annie24]

hi - I am sorry you have been through so much! it is sad, when loving couples who want kids have such a hard time having them, and then teens can go out and get pregnant left and right (or by being sneezed on, like you said).

 

I try to be careful not to ask such questions like, "when are you having kids?" I can think of a few times where I accidentally let that slip, but was mad at myself later, thinking, "oh, what if they can't, or there is some other problem?"

 

Try not to let it get to you. Maybe have some canned response ready like, "you never know what the future holds...."

 

Just today I was reading an advice column on link removed. a woman wrote in saying she is 19 and a newlywed, and people keep bugging her like, "young marriages never work out" or "you must have been so scared!" Mind you, the same people who say this kind of stuff are the ones who ask 30-something women when they are getting married.

 

good luck and hang in there. I hope your son is doing alright!

[justpaisley]

Sorry you went through all that.

I've know women with similar tales, and leave the nagging about babies to the less enlightened.

One coworker tried everything to conceive without luck. To ask her about kids would be cruel.

Signing up for parenthood is a big deal, not a cute whim.

 

I got fixed 30 years ago and have never been pressured to be a daddy.

Snip snip.

 

I reckon not. Can't really build a house if you don't have the tools.

 

I suppose I am being sensitive about it, since it's not just a rumble in the hay and a quick trip to the hospital for me, at least historically. I could get pregnant right away next time, and have a model pregnancy, and deliver at 40 weeks. But dangit, I would worry the whole time.

 

Thanks everyone again who replied. I haven't seen my therapist in almost 6 months and I swear I am a WRECK!!!! Thankfully my mom works closer to my house now and can babysit on her lunch hour so I can go see my therapist. I miss her.

[justpaisley]

hi - I am sorry you have been through so much! it is sad, when loving couples who want kids have such a hard time having them, and then teens can go out and get pregnant left and right (or by being sneezed on, like you said).

 

Mmmmmmm-hm. My OB (who has been an incredible support through all my crap, and had to take fertility meds herself) told me many times how frustrated she was with that very situation, seeing so many people per day whose babies she wanted to give to me. I call it the Lament of the Barren.

 

Try not to let it get to you. Maybe have some canned response ready like, "you never know what the future holds...."

 

I'm definitely doing a lot of subject changing. I'd like to have a frank conversation with my friends who are repeat offenders, but I know they just mean well. Especially since they know how badly I wanted to have 4 or 5 kids.

 

Just today I was reading an advice column on link removed. a woman wrote in saying she is 19 and a newlywed, and people keep bugging her like, "young marriages never work out" or "you must have been so scared!" Mind you, the same people who say this kind of stuff are the ones who ask 30-something women when they are getting married.

 

haha, this happened to me too. I got married at 20, and whenever I tell strangers that, I either get "wow, that's young!" or "were you pregnant?" or just general snobbishness. That didn't bug me too much... The people who knew us best and the pastor who did our pre-marital counseling all knew we were doing the right thing. Still happy 6 years later, must not have been too much of a mistake

 

good luck and hang in there. I hope your son is doing alright!

 

Thank you so much. He's doing really well, beating all the odds, and then laughing in their faces.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think a lot of people in this world need sensitivity training. It is shocking that the people who know what you went through would even pester you about having another child. The choice is up to you, not anybody else. It is not even your husband's choice. It is great and wonderful that he stuck by you, and he clearly is a wonderful person...so, if you don't want children, maybe he can understand that what you went through took a major toll on you both emotionally and physically. The fact that you went through all of this is a message about your body's limitations. Heed that message and think about your own health and well-being.

 

As for the people who pester you, just tell them that as they are well aware, your experiences weren't simply the typical pains of childbirth and when or if you are ready, is a personal matter.

[justpaisley]

Thank you, crazyaboutdogs. I know it's ultimately my choice, but I know I have to take my husband's feelings into major consideration. We came into this marriage with the expectation of having multiple children and I don't want to just unilaterally take that away. I do know, however, if I can't get past this pain, that he'll completely understand and be happy to adopt, which we were planning to do later in life anyway.

 

I might just go the passive aggressive route and post something on my blog about how I wish people would stop bringing it up. I know many of the pesterers read my blog, so hopefully they'll get the point.

[annie24]

What about adoption? You two definitely sound like you would provide a loving home for children, maybe adoption would be a way to expand your family? I don't know if you want to go that route, but it is always an option to keep open. Or, what about having a surrogate mother? are your eggs ok?

[itsallgrand]

I suppose it depends on your own personal, and between your hub and yourself have decided you want, in terms of making this decision now?

 

I can't help but think...well, you are only 26. Unless you have very specific plans for the 'spacing' of your kids, no need to make this decision asap right?

You have time to just breathe and let the decision come to you naturally. You'll know what to do.

 

Heck, I'm 27 and I still feel relatively okay about not rushing into a pregnacy though I very much! want to have children. When it is right, it is right. If it isn't, it doesn't matter my age - wouldn't want to bring a child into the world out of panic, y'know? (adoption has always been an option in my mind too. )Where there is a will, there is a way.

[RayKay]

Ah yes, I think you find people will be smug about anything if they are relating it to their feelings and experiences. People will be smug about you marrying young, or not being married when you are older, about having children, or about not having children, about choosing to pursue one career over another, or about choosing to stay at home or not choosing to stay at home with the kids.

 

I think as tough as it is, you just have to realize that whatever they say it is not their business, and is not something that affects your own feelings about it. They may know about your difficulties, and in that case them asking is really careless and thoughtless of them; because it is entirely ignoring the emotional and physical toll you have gone through and in a sense, passing them off as just "small side effects".

 

People make their own choices, that is just the way it is, and sometimes they put their choices on you as being the right way. One of my friends had a terrible experience with giving birth and she almost died during an emergency c-section, and she felt everything as they had not medicated her properly. She chose not to have anymore after that, as much as she loved children. Others may have chosen to have another. My mother and grandmother both had multiple miscarriages (5 for the first, 7 for the latter) due to a gene we carry in my family, but chose to keep trying, and both had healthy children (3 & 5 respectfully) but many others would of said no more trying.

 

But what others would do, or think you would do, or how they think you will react does not change how you do, or feel about it. Don't let it get to you.

[kellbell]

Paisly,

 

I am truly sorry you had to go through all that pain. Bless your heart.

 

The comment you wrote the end of your first post is very true. Please do not ask a couple when/if they are having kids unless you know them very well. I have a friend of 11 years whom is going through something very similar. Her husband has a low sperm count, which was ruled impossible for her to get pregnant unless they use in-vitro. He also has polycystic kindney disease which is very genetic so in order not to pass that gene onto the child, the gene would have to be taken out during the in-vitro process. All of which costs a ton of money.

 

So they opted for artificial insemination, with no luck. They thought about adoption but they are going to try in-vitro once. They have been married for 7 years and so many people have asked when are they going to have kids and so forth. Strangers, co-workers, etc. It hurts my friend to the core as they have been through so much these last 2 years. They desperately want a child. They would make awesome parents. Sometimes, the world is not fair at all.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. Big, big hugs.

[justpaisley]

annie24 - we've always wanted to adopt. We had just planned on doing it later in life, maybe 10-15 years down the road, and with older children - I guess we could do it earlier. It's unbelievably expensive though... I've also always felt strongly called to be a foster parent, ever since I spent some time in foster care as a child.

 

itsallgrand - You're definitely right. I'm still very young, though my gray hairs dictate otherwise, and have plenty of time to make the decision of whether or not I want more children. I'm still dealing with the fallout from my son's prematurity (while he's doing well, he still has complications that have to be continually dealt with) and probably a little PTSD. I just wish people would quit telling me what's best for me when I know it's just not, at least not for right now. Especially when they have no idea the pain I went through.

 

RayKay - You're absolutely right - it doesn't affect me one way or the other. I just have to start to remind myself of that, and let these things roll off my back more. I guess it's just a VERY touchy subject for me. I spent 5 years pursuing my dream only for it to become one nightmare after another, and I hate talking about it to people who are just going to pish posh it and tell me I should have another, as if having the first was all roses and sunshine.

 

kellbell - I honestly think that people assume that pregnancy is simply another unfettered, simple function of nature, like grass growing. So by that reasoning, getting pregnant should be as easy as planting grass. It's just not a big deal to them, especially if they've never had trouble getting pregnant.

 

Thanks for your responses, ladies. I'm feeling much better tonight - I was feeling pretty crappy yesterday after my friend so cavalierly pushed past my change of subject.

[annie24]

hey - go get those greys covered with some great highlights

 

I know that I also feel a need to adopt, moreso than to have kids of my own. I particularly would be interested in adopting an older child. first, because I want one that comes potty trained And second, I know that there are so many people out there who want babies, but far less people want older kids, like 6,7 years old, but I think they need a stable home even more. I'm sure that they must feel shuffled around and no one should ever feel that way.

 

glad you are feeling better!!! (((HUGS))))

[justpaisley]

hey - go get those greys covered with some great highlights

 

I know that I also feel a need to adopt, moreso than to have kids of my own. I particularly would be interested in adopting an older child. first, because I want one that comes potty trained And second, I know that there are so many people out there who want babies, but far less people want older kids, like 6,7 years old, but I think they need a stable home even more. I'm sure that they must feel shuffled around and no one should ever feel that way.

 

glad you are feeling better!!! (((HUGS))))

 

I feel the same way, I've always wanted to foster and adopt older children, however many God leads me to. Well, and my wallet, we're not exactly Brangelina here. The foster families I stayed with when I was younger and the ones I know now are all so... well, happy. Of course you hear the horror stories of people who foster just to collect money from the state, but the majority of those I've met truly do it because they've felt called or moved to do so. There are lots of different ways to be a mommy, and I'd sure love to explore them all!

 

And I am so not ready to succumb to the aging process and start coloring my hair. I love my hair's natural color. *whine*

[annie24]

were you in foster care?

 

And as for the coloring, I've been doing it most of my life for fun. If you find a good stylist, they can match your hair color exactly. no one will know. if you want to do so, ask women who have really great hair and ask where they get theirs done.

[justpaisley]

I was, twice, when I was in elementary school. Once was valid - Daddy had a nasty temper and I probably should have been in foster care more than twice - and once was quite honestly a misunderstanding - I really HAD fallen in the tub. I still vividly remember the people I stayed with, their houses, the smells in their houses, their other long-term foster kids, the food they were making, etc. I think that's why I feel so called to do foster care - if they could make an experience so nurturing and friendly for me during such scary times in my life that I remember them so fondly nearly 20 years later, surely I can do that for some children in trouble in my community.

 

I have a friend who is as white as lightning and she's got an adopted African-American daughter who she had fostered for a year before adopting her. She kept her daughter's hair in pigtails because, well, it's easy, and her daughter saw cornrows on Oprah and wanted them. My friend dove into researching how to do them and after several failed attempts, posted a picture on her blog of the perfect little rows in her daughter's hair. Whenever she fosters babies (mostly crack babies and abandoned babies ), she relactates and nurses them because she feels it leads to a greater feeling of security for babies that are already uprooted. Honestly, I'm not even completely sure which of her children she gave birth to and which are adopted/long-term foster children, because she embraces them so fully that it's hard to tell the difference. Well, except for the African-American one. She is SUCH an inspiration to me and she further strengthens my resolve to one day foster and adopt.

 

I do worry about how taxing it'd be on my son though. I would like to shelter him somewhat from the harsher realities in life until he's a little older and I feel he's emotionally ready for it. I also want to be in a financial position to handle any emotional burdens on a child that I foster/adopt and any emotional burden it puts on my son.

[Daligal83]

Hey, I just have to say that it's great to see people considering adoption, especially older children. I just finished my certificate in child welfare and my current internship is at an adoption agency that deals with older child and special needs adoption. It's something I'm extremely passionate about. I think that if you have the ability to do it (emotionally, financially), it is an incredible thing.

 

I also wanted to say that your friend who relactates and nurses those babies is doing the right thing. Abused and neglected kids form attachment problems because at some point in their development, they learned not to trust since their needs weren't met. It's been shown that if these kids, of any age, can go back and basically be reparented through those stages, it helps so much. Good for her!

 

Also, paisley I'm sorry you had to go through all that and that others are being insensitive. Thank you for pointing out something that we may not have realized otherwise.

[Batya33]

I am SO sorry you went through all that. I wanted to go on record and say that I NEVER ask people about their family planning situation in any way and if I am told that someone is pregnant I simply say "that's great - best wishes!" I have never been pregnant but I have seen what my sister and certain friends went through with infertility, miscarriages, etc. and you cannot be too sensitive and thoughtful to others about those issues. I cannot stand smugness about advising others to have children, etc - if you don't know the fact, and often you do not, it's better to stay silent and keep the input to yourself.