SOULMATES-but married to other people

[flygal]

First time post............have to get honest and unbiased points of view from strangers.......................

 

We met on the job (aviation industry). We are both married, both in miserable marriages. He has 2 kids, 3 & 6. Devotes his whole life to the children and they are his whole life. We have been having an affair for close on two years. Probably see each other once every 4 - 6 weeks. We are total soulmates in EVERY way imaginable. We both have tried to part company, but something undescribable draws us back to each other. He respects my privacy, I respect his. We tell each other everything and anything about our lives. Email each other several times a day, and have been doing this for the 2 years. He won't leave the marriage (has been totally upfront about this) because he wants the children to not turn out dysfunctional with divorced parents. I won't leave my marriage either. I fully and totally understand that he won't leave, and I don;t plan on leaving my husband for him.

 

WHAT TO DO ??????? HOW LONG WILL THIS GO ON - FOR EVER ???? IS IT POSSIBLE FOR AN AFFAIR TO CONTINUE LIKE THIS INDEFINITELY ???? Big part of the problem is that I am totally emotionally involved with him,and just can't imagine my life without him.

[Lady Bugg]

WOW....two years. That's a pretty big chunk of time...but you know, while I

don;t condone affairs, I can see how it can happen. Sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons..and stay in them for what they THINK are the right reasons.

 

I'm not sure if you were asking advice on what to do...or if we think what you're doing is right or wrong. That is not for me to say because I don't live your life. This is tough, becauses you are so emotionally attached to a man you are NOT married to. Can this go on indefinetely....SURE....as long as both of you are unwilling to end things. You didn;t mention if you were sleeping together. I assume you are.

 

I think the only way to end something like this is cold turkey. No "cutting back"...just cut it off altogether. IF that's what you're looking to do..otherwise I really don;t know what to say, if you've already decided you won't stop seeing him. Just remember you may have to deal with the fallout if you guys are found out.

[meantime]

My mother had an affair for 28 years. She divorced in the midst of it, the other guy never left his wife. Ever. Even after the kids were grown. There was always a reason. I saw how she wasted her life giving herself to someone who was not really hers. He does not want his kids to have messed up parents? They don't now? Just because they don't know he is having an affair doesn't mean it is not present in their everyday lives. And are you really happy living a lie? Really? Are you really happy knowing he will never be there for anything important that happens in your life? Holidays? Really?

[Day_Walker]

With this kind of an affair it will probably go on until one your partners finds out about what is going on or something dramatic happens between you two and the affair ends.

[DizzyDoris]

This will go on for as long as you both allow it, or until you get caught out.

 

I think the kids line is a weak excuse not to be with you, if he really loved you and you are soulmates then he would be with you. The kids are just as likely to be messed up growing up with parents in an unhappy marriage as they are in a divorced situation.

 

Im guessing though that they dont see he is in an unhappy marriage as i would imagine he treats their mum like a princess out of the guilt he must be feeling.

 

If you google affairs there are lots of articles and advice there that all state the same thing. People in affairs all think their bit on the side is their soulmate. I dont really know what to advise other than end this now if neither of you intend to leave your spouses, the longer it goes on, the more heartbreak will be caused.

[Batya33]

As long as you prioritize the abstract concept of "soulmates" above the reality of your commitments to other people (for which I have a feeling you each got lovely presents and attendance at your weddings from your friends and family who believed that you would honor your vows) you will continue to elevate being self-centered over being there for your children and spouses.

 

If you truly loved each other - in the concrete - active sense of the word - not in the lofty soulmate sense of the word, you would get divorced, wait a year after the divorce was final or longer to protect the best interests of your children, and then marry each other. Or, in the alternative, you would love each other enough to give each other the space to try to be true to your marriage vows and be present for your children.

 

It's very easy to say you're soulmates when you're not spending every day together and instead of having to do the hard work of working on your marriage.

 

I don't think there is any unbiased opinion other than from a therapist or religious figure so I do not apologize if I sound judgmental. You have the benefits of being married and being parents and it's a shame (especially for the kids!) that you're ignoring the vows you took.

[RayKay]

Hmm, as a child I was more "messed up" when my father was having affairs, then when they divorced. My mother met my stepfather and I was raised in a healthy, stable household.

 

Just because you think the kids don't know, does not mean they are not aware there is some discord there, and when they do find out, does not mean there won't be serious resentment.

 

It will go along like this for as long as you both choose it to. I cannot at all condone an affair, sorry, and I won't. I do not think they are justifiable whether your affair partner is your "soulmate" or not. People often think the other affair partner is their soulmate, and it is easy to keep that belief up when you get to live the fantasy and avoid the realities of being together wthout the "fun secrecy". Whether you really are true soulmates together will always be a mystery as long as it continues this way to be honest.

 

In my opinion, you need to make a choice. Either end this affair and focus on your marriage, or make a choice to end the marriage and he his before getting involved. I don't think it is fair on anyone, and in fact it is selfish, to continue on as it is right now.

[radioheader]

one thing that you need to think about is that you are not living in reality with him...it is fantasy...it is so easy to be great to each other when you have a long distance relationship and don't have to deal with the day in and day out routine of living...esp with his kids!...(i'm assuming that is what it is when you say you see him every 4-6 weeks)

 

i am on the otherside of an affair (twice) and it has been so hurtful and tough...i have 2 kids too...it just seems so unfair to live a lie...which is what you are both doing...your spouses deserve to know so that they can decide if they want to stay married and committed when the both of you are not...if they decide it is worth tolerating at least everyone is being honest...everyone deserves honesty in a marriage...that is the bottom line with me...honesty or you have nothing. (try to put yourself in your spouse's shoes)

 

some marry for the wrong reasons and if this is your case and he is truly your soul mate, please tell your spouses and let them have a say in their marriage...it is only the right thing to do...then there will be no more hiding and you can be soulmates together...and live in the real world.

 

and i don't think that a divorce would totally screw up his kids if he is unhappy...kids will pick up on that...plus they are so young that they will adapt to a new lifestyle pretty easliy...if he waits until they are teens it will be much harder on them...just my opinion....good luck with your future...i'm sure it will be tough if you continue to live this way...and i really don't intend that in a "mean" way...i'm just trying to be honest.

[Bethany]

What he is really telling you is that he won't leave because your second best to them, that youre only good enough for a bit of the side when he's bored and because there is no strings attached. Put pressure on him and he will dump you faster than a hot brick.

 

It all ends either when one of you starts to feel guilty and then start to look at the other with contempt for not feeling that guilt for what they are doing behind their poor, unsuspecting spouse back. Contempt at their willingness to hurt, and at their weakness not to have the strength and conviction to say that this is wrong and end it.

 

That, or when the other partner finds out which really is too late for everyone. There is no happy ending, flygal, not for anyone.

[Northalius]

You feel like you're "soul mates" with the one you're having an affair with?

 

Then what did you feel you had with your current husband, when you first married him?

 

If you did not feel like soul mates with your husband, then why did you marry him?

 

And if you did feel like soul mates at one time with your current husband, but it dwindled down to nothing after so many years, how do you know the same will not happen with the person you're having an affair with?

 

You want my opinion?

 

End the affair, come clean to your husband about it; if you can't fix it together, get counseling. If it still doesn't work out, then divorce is the only other option. This is not a healthy way to live. It disgusts me inside just thinking about it. Get help, and soon, please.

 

So many people today are having an affair because their marriage is miserable; they do that, rather than be adults and come clean about how they feel about the marriage to each other, and get counseling to try and fix it! Uhg!

[Juliana]

YES!!! IT WILL GO ON FOREVER!!! You will spend the rest of your life, longing to be with a man you will never be able to be with. Instead, you will share the long hours of your days and nights with someone whose trust you've betrayed, whether he noticed or not.

 

How's that strike ya? Probably not so good, or you wouldn't be posting. If this situation were working for you, you'd be sitting back thinking, wow, this is great. Am I ever lucky.

 

Since this isn't working for you, I suggest you tell him that, and see how he feels. Maybe both of you will work up the courage to speak to your spouses. It's always better to live in reality than a fantasy, and if you are moving in that direction, towards more honesty, consider that a good and necessary thing.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

What you have to think about is that your perfect 'soul' mate relationship is based on both of you lying and deceiving the people who you should be closest too, your own spouses, and what makes you think he isn't also lying to you?

 

Plenty of men would love such an arrangement, a wife taking care of the kids and home (so no alimony or child support for him to pay), while he gets to engage in a fantasy sexual relationship with someone he rarely sees, who demands nothing of him, and who gives him sexual variety and ego strokes, and his wife is unlikely to find out because you live so far away and see each other so infrequently...

 

You could be thinking 'soul mates', and he could be thinking, safer and cheaper than going to a hooker for the sexual variety he needs...

 

The simple point is, if you were truly soul mates, neither or you would put up with a lifetime affair, you would end their marriages honorably, and do what it takes to be together AND do the work to make sure that the children from a prior marriage felt loved and secure... that's the oldest lie in the book, we're staying together for the children... he's staying with his wife becuase he WANTS to be with her...

 

I'm afraid that this is not soul mates, just convenient nooky on the side... if you want to see how much you really mean to him, tell him you're leaving your husband and will be moving to his neighborhood so you can be all the time, and see how quickly he backpeddles away from you and comes up with yet a different excuse why you shouldn't be together, or live near each other (becuase he might get caught!)...

[Oldboy]

If you are miserable in your marriage and you run and tell someone, and that person seems to listen and "understand", then naturaly you're going to feel a connection to him.

Doesn't make him your soulmate.

Tell him you want some commitment. Tell him you want to start looking for a place to live together and see what happens.

[MissTee]

This may be way off but...

 

Just to share that my mother divorced twice before finally marrying the right one. Her third marriage was to the best step father I could have ever hoped for.

 

I am a completely well functioning, stable 20 year old woman. I think, and have always thought, if she had stayed with either her first or second husband, I may not have turned out so stable.

 

I remember now how unhappy she was with each, I was happy when she left them!

 

She has taught me a very valuable life lesson, If it doesn't make you happy, It's definatly not worth it. Life is too short.