macgyver4ever Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 Because I already said it silly. Remember - there's ALWAYS a good and bad side to absolutely every event that takes place. So the good side to this is - you took care of stuff and you did it with integrity. Anyone would rather you spoke to them directly and your ex proved that by reacting in the way you had hoped. But what happened to the challenge, man?? I mean - am I crazy or are we in an NC challenge here? Day 1 I needed to start over. I tried to pretend I could make it through after talking to the ex, but I couldn't. Last night was torture. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I have a date today and hope I can focus on her. Luckily we are going to a movie, so I don't have to be all that attentive. Honeyspur, I applaud your honesty. I need someone who will tell me how it is. As much as it hurts, I thought I was bigger than the challenge. That this 30-60 day window of NC that everyone suggests did not apply to me. I thought I had made so much progress that I could make it and was wrong. This will set me back, but I know I will recover fast. I deserve better than my ex and I know in my heart I will find it. My problem is I am too nice. I still care about my ex and hate to see her destroying her life. Who am I to say she is destroying her life? The only reason I feel this way is because she is making decisions contrary to the girl I knew and fell in love with. She is being very self-destructive, and has given up on what she had planned for the future. Rosie, Thanks for the link. This is exactly where I need to get back to. It will take me a few days to put things back into perspective, bu I know I can do it. I was there already but talking to the ex really set me back. Today I feel- Sad, Disappointed, Depressed, Excited, and Hallow. Link to comment
Semid Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 Tday i had the urge to contact him. But before that I deleted his numbers , cell and hombe, from my cell phone. I'm not doing right. I'm sad, but trying to keep NC. Sigh Link to comment
Parsley Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 1. Did he do it as one more in a long line of bad actions, and that just happened to be where I'd drawn my mental line? In other words, had I been such a glutton for punishment, he may have been genuinely surprised that I'd have the gumption to take care of myself? 2. Did he do something so way-over-the-top mean in a desperate attempt for me to go away? Was I that stubbornly obtuse to all his other messages? 3. If he was really genuinely such a jerk, what does that say about me? What is wrong with me that I would fall in love with a person who had the capacity to behave so wretchedly? Whoooa do I ever recognise those sentiments?!?! 1. I think for a long time, stuff they do that gets to you doesn't filter through your brain. You make allowances for them because you don't want them to be a bad person. If I'd have walked away the first time my ex really upset me (to the point of tears upset me) I would have missed out on a lot. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. We were only together two weeks then. I wouldn't have gone through all this agony...but I wouldn't have had some of the happier times. 2. This is a thought I think msut haunt a lot of people that are broken up with. Again, I think, another attempt to make out that the ex isn't as bad a person as they seem....becaaaauuuuusee..... 3. We don't want to feel that we are THAT bad a judge of character that not only would we socialise with someone who would cause anyone this amount of pain, but we would fall in love with them. The truth is everyone has on their rose coloured glasses for a long time in a relationship. And even when we accept them with all their disgusting faults...we still don't take them in until we are confronted with them. You cannot blame yourself for falling in love. Everyone goes a bit crazy. And this is more than likely a side to them you never see unless this is the situation. Had a fab day. Went to the opera!! But when I got home I had an invite from my ex to some other social networking website. Had one from facebook before as well. I acceped the facebook one for awhile, before I had ruled out friendship completely, but then deleted him because I just didn't want to have the option to look at his page. It was the same day I deleted him off of myspace, and off my phone as well actually. So I ignored this one too. I'm 100% certain he hasn't thought "I'll send her an invite" but just put in some contact importing thing and it has sent to me as well. I wish he'd delete me from these contacts, or at least stop joining these sites! Everytime I see his name in the sender line it makes me worry what's going to be in that email. Grr. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 How relevant is guilt to whether an ex will come back? What happens if you alleviate guilt? Or is it better to let them stew? Link to comment
ahhh2jz Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Day 58 NC - doing pretty good; just feel kind of tired lately. I haven't got much sleep because school starts so early and i sleep so late. I have to start sleeping a little earlier. Link to comment
rsxguy520 Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 day 56- sar far so good. going out with the college homie to huntington beach to make some new Friends (girls) lol. but yeah, hope everyones day is splendid. =) Link to comment
Rosie007 Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Day 18 Slept most of the day. I know it's important to rest when sick, but that's all I seem to do. Luckily I love to sleep. Went out for the first time since Feb. 9. I had dinner at my friends' house. I only lasted about two and a half hours, then started to feel bad. In terms of Rex, not much to say. I'm coasting ... as ever, NC is just what the doctor ordered. Happy 30 days to Pisces ... I've no doubt you made it with flying colors. -Rosie Link to comment
finalcloud13 Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 I started NC for the 3rd time right now. My record is currently 1 week. I just can't resist replying when I get a message from my ex. Link to comment
ASHAN4U Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Finished up 3 full days now, going into day 4.... ....arggghhh mornings are the worst. I feel so empty within. The thought of this other girl/woman flashes through my mind and yet I don't even know the outcome of the date. For all I know it could have been horrible (but that's what we all would like to think). I fought the urge last night to pick the phone up and at least see if he would answer and then proceed to ask how the date was, but right now I'm better off not knowing and of course will eventually find out anyway. I went to the movies last night to get through the misery I was feeling to only have to wake up in hollowness once again. I miss his presense and the change of season here isn't helping much - it's brings back to many memories!! So on with my day I go trying my best to think positive. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow just so I have more to occupy my mind. I think I'm going to go cry... Link to comment
MasterT Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Day 10 of NC... Yesterday was absolute bliss... I felt like everything was perfect, until my roommate came back and started slinging his comments everywhere.... Yep... Really ruined my night. I feel okay right now though. Trying to stay positive. Link to comment
macgyver4ever Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Day 2 I went on another date with this wonderful girl last night. We had a great time and held hands throughout the entire movie. It was very sweet. At the end of the night when I dropped her off we kissed and I FREAKED OUT!!! I have only kissed one girl before her (my ex) and I guess it took me by surprise how different it would be. I was so emotionally confused and overpowered that I had a panic attack on the drive home. I see now that I really am not ready to get into anything. I thought I was, but my mind is screaming at me that I am not. I don't know what to do. I really like this girl but don't know if I should just continue to take things slow (slower) or take a break from everything for awhile. I hope some has some advice for me. HONEYSPUR, can you help me out. You are good at putting me in my place. Today I feel: Confused, Sad, Disappointed, Angry, and Overwhelmed. Link to comment
ahhh2jz Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 macgyver, hang in there bro; congrats on the successful date though. I bet it's hard at first when going out there again after the relationship ended. I'd recommend taking things slower; I'm sure she would understand. Day 59 NC Link to comment
rsxguy520 Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 day 57..i'm beat! hung out with my friend yesterday, pretty much the whole day. did so much driving and so much talking. found out some good insight about relationships from him. i like his phrasing after a relationship about your ex, like hearing stuff from others, "if you don't tell me, i don't wanna know." well today nothing much really going on. Church later, then watching basketball games on tV! Link to comment
boston23 Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Hello-- So I broke NC, but for now I think it was definitely the right to do for me. NC is wonderful, but I guess I realized that it was getting to the point that keeping NC was more annoying than anything. Nothing big happened; we had a little misunderstanding, but what I realized about talking to my ex again was, "Wow, he just doesn't impress me like he used to." I'm still going to keep NC or at least very stringent LC, but I guess I've realized that I don't really have much to say to him anymore. Our relationship ended, he went to what he thought as greener pastures (and will undoubtably find that they are not), and that's fine with me because now I really am glad I don't have to deal with his stupid, immature antics. I was going through some stuff that I had filed today and I found an print out of an email from another guy who had dumped me on AIM (when I wasn't even at my computer), the day before finals my senior year of college (3 years ago). Ooh and he wrote it about 3 months after the incident. He apologized in the email, and talked about how stupid he was to do what he did to me, and says that he just totally didn't know what to do because it was all new to him. My favorite part (and the part that I'm sure lots of you would love to hear): "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I didn't know a good thing when it hit me. With my luck, this email is probably too little too late, but I had to get this off of my chest." What struck me about this email is that as gratifying as it must have been to get it, I had completey forgotten about it. When I think about this guy now he doesn't even register, but at the time I felt so cheap and used and completely miserable (sobbing my way back to my dorm and slipping into a deep frozen slush puddle is what I remember the most). It's nice to see that I've gone through this same stuff before and to see that I've actually gotten over this stuff completely again. And I suppose that if I were to run into him at some point and we still got along well and he had matured a lot, I would be willing to date him, but I'm fine with the thought that we may never see each other again. What is slowly coming to my attention is that stupid cliche that everyone uses, "Time heals all wounds" is definitely true. And although there might be a teeny tiny scar where the wound was (afterall, I do remember that I felt miserable), the scar reminds me that the stuff did happen and I can learn from that experience. I hope everyone is doing well this weekend. I had a horrible migraine yesterday and spent a couple of hours at the hospital, but feeling much much better. I hope that even if you can't imagine that time heals all wounds, etc etc, that maybe reading about what happened to me will at least give you another example of the fact that it actually does. Link to comment
Rosie007 Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Day 18 Dreamt about Rex last night. In the dream he called me to scold me about something having to do with someone new he's seeing. I said, I asked you never to call me again, and I hung up. With all the time I've been out this month, I've got a lot of work to catch up on. In particular, I'm behind on my month-end reports, and I was working on December and January. Rex and I spent a lot of time together then. In some ways it seems so long ago. It was a real rollercoaster time for us, so the memories are a mixed bag. Today whenever I've had thoughts or memories of him, I've basically cursed at him. Might I be in the anger stage? Even the cursing hasn't been a big deal. All in all, I'm kind of cruising along again today. Thanks for what you wrote, Boston. Didn't know you and I shared the lovely heartbreak via IM fun. It was also gratifying to read where you were and were you are now. In particular, "It's nice to see that I've gone through this same stuff before and to see that I've actually gotten over this stuff completely again. And I suppose that if I were to run into him at some point and we still got along well and he had matured a lot, I would be willing to date him, but I'm fine with the thought that we may never see each other again." The second time I broke up with Rex, I remember thinking I know I can do this; I've done it before and survived. I was ready to dig in and get some things fixed in our "relationship." But somehow we ended up back together without having any formal conversations, which kind of shocked me because I was ready to stand my ground or let it go. In retrospect, it was kind of downhill from there, perhaps he didn't take me seriously any more; I'd caved so easily. Hope everyone has a nice week. -Rosie Link to comment
MasterT Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Day 11, feeling strong thus far. Started pushing negative thoughts about her and things out of my life, and I've been looking at things positively. So far things have been pretty good. I feel much stronger. I'm also starting to finally shift my thoughts focus away from her and more towards me. Not saying that I don't want her back in my life, but more that I need to focus on me now. Link to comment
lovesickkk Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Day 1 begins, here we go guys.......wish me luck Link to comment
Rosie007 Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Correction: Day 20 I just went back and double-checked my day count. I started on February 13-- the day before V-day -- which means I'm actually on Day 20. I probably messed up because my sleeping schedule was so topsy turvy during my two+ weeks home sick. Time is sort of meaningless when you're living in The Twilight Zone. Actually, I haven't had any contact with that guy for 26 days, but I'm sticking with my NC count because that's when I consciously started doing NC, and I suspect I might have not known I needed this resovle if I hadn't found this magical place. Cheers, -Rosie Link to comment
Rosie007 Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Day 1 begins, here we go guys.......wish me luck Congratulations, lovesickkk. You're about to do the best thing in the world for yourself. No luck needed, whatsoever, just a commitment to taking care of yourself. Stick close and tell us what's going on. It'll make all the difference in the world, even if it doesn't feel terrific sometimes. One of the wisest things I ever learned was: I don't judge myself by the way I feel. Sometimes when I'm feeling my worst, I might be at my strongest. (translation: I'm at my strongest if I'm still taking care of myself -- if only by doing *nothing* and not making the situation worse -- when in the midst of an emotional onslaught) -Rosie Link to comment
comfyshoes Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Am i just a pathetic lost cause? I know she has another woman now, some 14 years younger than her but i still can't get the damn * * * * * out of my head. Why do i still hold this idea that we can be together again after she gets this playing the field out of her system. shoes Link to comment
Pisces_Princess Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 DAY 32!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was my day 30 on Saturday, but was too busy to really notice. I celebrated in style and went for tapas and salsa dancing with friends, drank too many cocktails and arrived home as the sun was rising!!! Still made it to yoga on Sunday morning but the rest of yesterday is a bit of a blur I am going to stop posting on here for a little while. I need to do my healing in a more private way, but first I want to share with you what this forum has given me and how the challenge helped me regain my sanity. The break-up October 2006 I came home from work one ordinary day and my partner was waiting for me. I was hit with the bombshell that I never even suspected was coming 'I want to be alone, I want space, I want to live on my own, I don't want to be in a relationship' It is no secret that I was so shocked and hurt when my partner told me he wanted me to move out that I was suicidal. I couldn't see the point in living and I certainly didn't want to live without him. I lost so much weight people thought I was sick, I cried all the time and had to excuse myself from important meetings. I begged and pleaded with him to take me back, but his mind was made up. I looked for signs in everything and thought that I was literally going crazy. I don't know if you can die from a broken heart, but it felt like a living death. I couldn't even escape by sleeping because I would wake up drenched in sweat after yet another dream about him. My mind was obsessed and I couldn't concentrate on anything... I started posting on here in December, as I felt I had nowhere else to go. I felt so alone, but I soon realised that my pain was shared by millions of other people. The start of my thirty day challenge was a little delayed as I had practical matters to attend to. When we broke up I went to stay with my parents. I was too fragile to be left alone at this point and needed almost constant supervision to stop me from doing something silly. In January, I started to feel a little stronger. It had become obvious that Tom was never going to ask me to come home, so I went to look at apartments. I collected my things from the home I shared with Tom and moved into my new place. With nothing connecting me to my ex anymore it was at this point I started the 30 challenge... Days 1 -10 Very mixed with real highs and lows. At first I felt very confident, almost a little smug. My ex was contacting me and I was ignoring him, I didn't tell him I was doing no contact. It felt good, but it didn't last and inevitably the calls and messages from my ex stopped. That's when I had my first crisis...had I done the right thing? Of course, like most people, I had started this in the hope that he would come back to me. Now it was all backfiring, I had lost him for sure. Days 10 - 20 The real concept of no contact began to sink in. That it wasn't a magic tool to get the ex back. It was time and space to get yourself back. At this point I started to pick up some hobbies I had dropped and made more of my spare time. I started to live as a single woman and didn't take the advice of some people, that I should find a new boyfriend ASAP. I started to really enjoy the single life, and did things alone that I had never done before. I was in therapy at this point and began to question my past relationships and how much of myself I had literally given away to make somebody else happy. I started to understand myself and began to really ask what I wanted out of life. Was I just conforming to what others expected of me? It occurred to me that I have been somebody's girlfriend from the age of 16 and I felt challenged and excited about small things such as going to the cinema or lunch alone. Days 20 - 30... The last 10 days were a mixture of highs and lows again. With no contact from the ex I began to panic. But one morning I woke up and he wasn't the first thing on my mind. I was eating properly and the horrible ache inside had gone. I was horse riding again and doing yoga 3 times a week. I started to feel good inside, I felt like Rebecca instead of a shell. A major turning point was seeing a photograph of my ex in the newspaper. I couldn't help but have a peek, and when I saw it I felt nothing. I realised at this point that at lot of what made him special is what I projected onto him. What I have learned That I loved and lost and survived. I can not stress this enough, that if I can do this anybody can. I was so lost in a pool of despair I felt that I was drowning. I had projected all of my hopes and dreams for the future on my relationship, that I felt like I had lost everything and that there was nothing left for me. But I have come through this. Some days are hard and some days are great (I never thought I would have a great day again!) I will be 35 on Friday and I can't wait! I have so many people on this board to thank for their kind words, support and PM's: SuperDave for setting the challenge. NeedtobeMe, Luv my Kids, Parsley, Shaker, Boston and TonyMar for inspirational posts and good vibes. Good luck to Rosie and ComfyShoes you are both doing great and last but not least to PapaL you have kept me going through-out this, keep in touch sweetie. Wishing you all lots of love and luck, I will be keeping up with all of your progress and will write again soon. Rebecca xxx Link to comment
papalazarou Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Oh my god Princess!!!! Im so proud of you!!! xxx Link to comment
ASHAN4U Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Starting day 5... ...at work now and really it's not helping. I feel like I want him to IM me and tell me that he is going to pursue this girl he went on a date with so I can move on faster, but it will just be more torture. I guess the silence is all I need to answer the questions I have. This is going to be hard - I can't delete him off my contacts b/c we work for the same company but different locations. So it's only a click away to say "How was the date?" But my sanity and this forum are the only things keeping me from doing that. Maybe it's that I want closure, I guess after our last IM we had the door was still left cracked and that's keeping me from moving on. My feelings are so confused!!! I need as much advice and group hugs as possible. Link to comment
lovesickkk Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Congratulations, lovesickkk. You're about to do the best thing in the world for yourself. No luck needed, whatsoever, just a commitment to taking care of yourself. Stick close and tell us what's going on. It'll make all the difference in the world, even if it doesn't feel terrific sometimes. One of the wisest things I ever learned was: I don't judge myself by the way I feel. Sometimes when I'm feeling my worst, I might be at my strongest. (translation: I'm at my strongest if I'm still taking care of myself -- if only by doing *nothing* and not making the situation worse -- when in the midst of an emotional onslaught) -Rosie Thanks Rosie..... very well put. Link to comment
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