LittleLion24 Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 I agree with SuperDave...don't block her. I think it will cause a lot of tension and problems at home. Instead, if she IM's you, you can CHOOSE to either answer and chat or tell her you're busy with work or something and can't talk now. Tell her you'll catch up later. Start putting her at a distance so she knows that if she wants time to figure out who she is...then that's what she should focus on. The thing you have to be careful about is NOT letting her have her cake and eat it too. If she wants time and space, then that is what you should give her, and this is what you're doing. You need to keep making yourself distant so she knows she doesn't get it both ways. This may seem cruel but it's not. Link to comment
Mavis VDSande Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I completely agree with LittleLion!! If she asks why you've been quiet - you don't owe her anything - not even the truth. Just say you've been pretty busy lately making plans to catch up with old friends and arranging exciting things for the kids. If in doubt - do it for your kids. One day they'll be teenagers, and if they experience their first heart-ache you want them to look up to you and how you've handled yourself. You are stronger than you think. After all, you're not the one running away from the situation. And if love seems tough in your household, you need someone who's willing to face the action all the time! I agree with SuperDave...don't block her. I think it will cause a lot of tension and problems at home. Instead, if she IM's you, you can CHOOSE to either answer and chat or tell her you're busy with work or something and can't talk now. Tell her you'll catch up later. Start putting her at a distance so she knows that if she wants time to figure out who she is...then that's what she should focus on. The thing you have to be careful about is NOT letting her have her cake and eat it too. If she wants time and space, then that is what you should give her, and this is what you're doing. You need to keep making yourself distant so she knows she doesn't get it both ways. This may seem cruel but it's not. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I came to this thread late, but i wanted to make a couple comments... First, you might have been doing everything right all along, and this is just a woman who does not really want to be part of a family with kids and all the joy (and chaos) it brings. you say she is really into her work etc., and there are some people who just want to be footloose and fancy free, because they are just not that interested in a family life or commitment... Work and competition etc. gives them what they want, and they want no real personal demands on themselves... So you could have waited 2 or 5 or 10 years to ask her to move in, and she STILL wouldn't have liked it, and meanwhile, you are living alone and raising your sons without a partner in your home... so don't blame yourself or your desire to have someone living with you as a partner, that is a GOOD thing for you and your sons, and maybe she is just not the person who is good at that or wants to do it... if she is successful, i also question why she would even consider living in your house rent free, especially if you have children that you are supporting... she should WANT to contribute, and WANT to love those children as her own... there are TONS of women who would be thrilled at the opportunity to share your life and your wonderful sons and everything that raising children means. so please don't take this relationship loss as some indicator that you did something wrong... she is just the WRONG person to be a partner to someone who has children and is taking the responsbility that he should. So i congratulate you on being a good parent, and you sound like you have WONDERFUL kids who deserve a step-mother figure who recognizes what an opportunity it is to participate in children's lives and help them grow... so please focus on the fact that this woman *might* have been fine to date as a transition person, but NOT a good lifetime partner. you may feel you 'talked her into' living with you, but she certainly took advantage of it, and rent free too, so maybe she is someone who does not think out her options too carefully before making a decision, and is an opportunist who thinks about herself first, and those she is *supposed* to love later... you sound like an incredible person and an incredible father, so please just hang in there, and recognize that once she is out of the house, you can begin healing, and looking for a woman who fits into your total life, including living with you and your sons. lots of women would be grateful for that opportunity, so please try to heal yourself, move on, and find one of them, for your own and your sons sake... Hugs, kisses, wish the best for you, YOU DESERVE THE BEST, and so do your sons... Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Thanks BeStrongBeHappy and Mavis. I have been thinking of the negatives a bit more and that seems to make it easier to get through. So maybe this is just what is meant to be. Maybe I will find an even better woman Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Strange development: She's in here (the home office) listening to depressing music. She was doing that the other day when the boys and I were leaving to go visit friends. Link to comment
papalazarou Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 NOTHING IN THIS WORLD BEATS THE HUG FROM A CHILD....ESPECIALLY YOUR OWN!!! Whilst I agree 100% with everything Dave says. I have to say I agree 1000% with this! Link to comment
Mavis VDSande Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Strange development: She's in here (the home office) listening to depressing music. She was doing that the other day when the boys and I were leaving to go visit friends. GOOD. After all you wait on no one and she has to live with it. Sorry, it is harsh. If it happens again you can always suggest listening to more upbeat tunes!! After all - you have your life and your lovely boys - that's so much to be happy about!!! Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Mornings really are the worst. I need to shake it off and have another good day.. Link to comment
Beec Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Do have a good day. And I think fact that she is listening to depressing music is good for you. Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Yeah, she's doing a great job acting like she's unaffected, but lying on a beanbag singing along to depressing country lyrics could be a dead giveaway. She's always been good at hiding her emotions and I've never been good at it. I need to focus on the things I don't like about her and dream about some future girl that will have those qualities that I need Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 AllTornUp, I know I come off as harsh alot but I see you making the SAME MISTAKES I DID.....you are wallowing in your own self-pity. Anything she does affects you. If she is listening to depressing music, fine. You have NO idea why she is. She may be sad about whatever or just REALLY like a certain band or song. You are trying so desperately trying to find some glimmer of hope that no matter what she is doing, you refuse to let go. Sure you may be on th e couch..I commend you as well. I know its tough but you have GOT TO SNAP OUT OF THIS..... When you go out of town, and you come back...REALITY OS GOING TO HIT YOU LIKE A TON OF BRICKS...HOW? SHE WILL BE GONE...Not upstairs...not in the kitchen..not at work...not out with friends...but out of your HOUSE and possibly your life. Let her listen to whatever she wants....don't make silly assumptions about it. The way I look at this silly scene is: "She refuses to eat cheesecake because it reminds her of us".... You heart is playing with you because you are LETTING IT. Do you realize that if you obsess like you are, you are letting her control you? What I mean is, you are allowing YOURSELF permission to abuse yourself with images of what you guys once were. Reality is where you need to be and stay. Look at your situation....evaluate it.....make a decision and stick with it. You cannot put a band-aid on this and expect it to hide what is already ripped open. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN BUT NEVER EVER MAKE ASSUMPTIONS!!! What is all assumptionis good for? What good is all the sadness? Is it helping you? PLEASE don't get me wrong....everyone needs time to grieve. I am human my friend. I am the type of guy that if I lived close by, I woudl take you out and let you see the world through MY EYES. I would let you talk and get everything out. I woudl help you in any way I could. I am here in TENN. but I am HERE trying to help you in any way I can. Pick yourself up. You are basing your failed relationship on your self worth. You feel as if the relationship failed, so I must be a failure...THIS IS NOTHING MORE THAN A SELF DEFEATING THOUGHT AND NEGATIVITY to try and validate the feelings you already have. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE WHATSOEVER!!! You never have been...EVER. STOP THINKING THAT WAY!!!! OK? When you get home, I want you to think of your FAVORITE SONG and sing it as you walk thru the door. Smile....go upstairs...get on some comphy clothes and relax. If you feel like going out....GO OUT. Get dressed up and call a few friends if ya can...go out to eat....go to a movie, a museum..etc etc....go where you would like. Lift you thoughts and chin up. YOU ARE SOMEBODY THAT MATTERS MY FRIEND! REALIZE IT AND FIND YOUR CONFIDENCE. Its there...all you have to do it FIND IT....It is within you..When you find it...you will not stop smiling..I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT!!!! Your Friend, SuperDave71 Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 I'm really trying, Dave. I know I need to stop obsessing about her and what she's doing and what she might be feeling. I really am trying to let her go. I really am trying to work on me and think about me. I have dinners set up with different friends for tonight and tomorrow night. Then dinner with my sons on Thursday night. Then nights out with friends on Friday and Saturday nights. I'm pretty booked up till Sunday. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Good..You keep it up ok? -SuperDave71 Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Will do! Thanks for all the time and effort you've put into me! Link to comment
LittleLion24 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 ALLTORNUP--You can't guess at what she may be feeling because you aren't a mind reader so WHY WASTE YOUR TIME AND ENERGY! She is probably listening to depressing music because she's trying to get a reaction out of you, and I agree with SuperDave, who cares! Let her wallow in her OWN self-pity. She made a declaration to you that she needed "time" and "space" so that is just what you're giving her. You need to keep remaining distant from her and STOP,STOP,STOP reading into everything; searching for every single glimmer of hope. The hope will come when you gain confidence in yourself, and we both know it's there. The hope is knowing you will be OKAY and that you matter, and so what if this woman doesn't get it. Go find someone that DOES get it! Having confidence in yourself will make "letting go" that much easier. That's because this break-up has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU and EVERYTHING to do with HER. When you get home tonight, I want you to look in the mirror and repeat these words: "This has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with her." Looking at yourself in the mirror is surprisingly an excellent way of gaining self-confidence. Give it a try. Let me know how it felt. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I love it when LittleLion24 agrees with me... he he he -SuperDave71 Link to comment
Beec Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I am going to disagree a bit with Dave, and only because I really am not sure that one can control all those thoughts and feelings. If there is timie for them to creep into your mind, they will. It would be nice if someone could tell you just don't think about her at all or in a particular way, but that's easily said and not done. If you can get rid of those thoughts, do it as suggested. Keeping you busy and your mind occupies does displace many of those thoughts, and you are trying to do that, so keep that up. While you cannot always control your thoughts, you can control your behavior. So, put on your poker face, act like the thoughts are not there, and be friendly, but please do not be a boyfriend. Link to comment
LittleLion24 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 SuperDave---you and me are on the same page. I hope AllTornUp keeps taking our advice. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Beec, I agree with ya..I am merely saying "DO YOUR BEST NOT TO LET IT GET TO YA"...if ya can. Gawd KNOWS IT'S THE HARDEST THING!!! I agree BUT..IT CAN BE DONE!! SuperDave71 Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 It is the hardest thing. Sometimes I do so good and I'm so proud of myself. Other times I'm a pathetic puddle of goo. I won't be that puddle in front of her again though. I am going to tell my friend about the breakup tonight at dinner--I won't go into too much detail and hopefully I can get through it without breaking down. I don't see him very much, but he is probably my closest friend. Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Ah, crap. He just asked on IM if it'd be OK if his wife and kids came along. I said "i was going to tell you that my g/f broke up with me and is moving out next week and i don't want your wife and kids to see me cry" Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Oh yikes! Well hopefully he will understand and respect your privacy. -SuperDave71 Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 I think he will, but his IM session went idle. Dave, I've also been thinking about how to tell my boys. I get them back on Monday and leave with them to Vegas on Thursday. I don't think I can risk breaking down in front of her again by telling them while she's there. I'm thinking about waiting till I'm in Vegas to tell them. One downside is she won't get to tell them goodbye. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 All, She is NOT dead...Goodness She can say bye or whatever she wants. You are seriously going to have to pull yourself together. ok? Please try!! SuperDave71 Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 OK, then I'll tell them in Vegas. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I deserve to be selfish right now. Link to comment
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