Mom's control/influence over my dating decisions.

[Luke Skywalker]

My mom has a very, very strong influence on who I choose to date, and will usually steer me away from the wrong types of girls. For example, single mothers, divorcees, girls who are non-virgins or who have gone with too many guys in the past. My dad also things that single mothers, {mod edit}, and women older than me are bad to date.

 

In my opinion, I tend to think that having a relationship with the above categories is too far, but my version of dating is 'socialisation' since I'm not used to being around girls. My doctrine is to virtually date anyone who is interested, but if they are not relationship material or suitable, to dump them after five dates or to just have occasional friends that I see now and then for movies or just talking, or just have someone in life that I could take out to an interesting place, or keep them as a potential hook-up down the road.

 

Now, in response to this doctrine, my parents feel that emotions could get strong, even in dating, and relationships could just develop out of nowhere, and that if a prospective person is interested in me that I may be 'using' them (even though no sex is involved), even though on my end, I'm just socialising, creating romantic venues and romantic memories for my prospective girlfriends.

 

In a sense when you are dating, you are just dealing with prospects, but if you have a relationship, then you actually have a girlfriend/boyfriend, friendship or some other form of defined relationship, so are my parents too rigid and paranoid. Given my tract record, I'm an ice around women most of the time and thus have this type of policy given some of the dramatic crash and burns I've had before, which is why I thought it was a good idea to date people who are interested in me, but who may be fundamentally unsuitable and know that there may not be any relationship beforehand, to get used to dating, general. Am I really using people in such a scheme even through there is no sex or motivation to have sex involved?

[hosswhispra]

I think that you're mom's requirements of whom you should date are unrealistically narrow. I know you're in Canada, but for example 95% of all Americans (I think I can extrapolate this data to apply it to Canadians) have had premarital sex. For the study read: link removed

 

You and I are statistical outliers.

 

So that requirement basically leaves you with an option from the remaining 5% that haven't engaged in premarital sex. In addition, at 30 you're going to encounter women that have been married/divorced and with children. It's a given as we mature.

 

In general, I think you have a good concept of dating. It is about socializing and having fun (within your boundaries). I think that you should follow your own ideas about dating. They are realistic.

[annie24]

you are definitely old enough not to be under your mother's thumb anymore. you are 30!

 

In my opinion, I tend to think that having a relationship with the above categories is too far, but my version of dating is 'socialisation' since I'm not used to being around girls. My doctrine is to virtually date anyone who is interested, but if they are not relationship material or suitable, to dump them after five dates or to just have occasional friends that I see now and then for movies or just talking, or just have someone in life that I could take out to an interesting place, or keep them as a potential hook-up down the road.

 

I agree, date around, see what you like and what you don't like, that is the best way to go. And yes, like hoss said, what your mother is looking for is statistically not likely. by the time you are 30, you have baggage, there is no other way around it. Your mother is treating you like you are still 16, dating 16 year old women.

 

you need to get out of that house.

[Siriana]

Your mom.

Your 30.

You're 30 and listening to your mom who you should date?

 

If you keep listening to your mom, thinking is your opinion wrong, or your mom is right....no matter what criteria you choose to pick potential gfs you're doomed.

Because no matter if a girl is virgin (good luck with that), with no baggage, or divorcee with 2 kids and an ex addict - no way she will want to date someone who's listening his mom so much.

I've read a lot of posts here written by girls who were dating guys like you - overly worried about their parents opinion. It can't be good.They were always hurting and considering a brake up.

 

Choose to live alone. It is time to do that.

[Luke Skywalker]

My mom is denying me permission to pursue dating that 18 y/o girl (which I presume she'll probably think I've lost interest by now) because she has a child.

 

I've never been in a relationship before, so I dont understand what my mom is talking about all this relationship stuff, and the boy's father or any of that stuff as I just meet her once before to see a movie and it was one of the best dates I have ever been on.

 

She's been really nice to me, and I liked the way she held hands and cuddled up with me and I really dont know what to say. I do not understand the concept of 'relationship', and dont understand why my mom is worried that a 'relationship' can form if I get to really like her and she really gets to like me as that's never happened before, and what makes her think that it will happen here?

 

All that is involved here is simply positive dating experiences and I see no harm in that.

[quietgrl]

Luke,

 

Say what!! You're interested in a 18 year old teenager and you're in you're 30.I don't care if this woman kiss your feet everyday.This woman is tooooooooo young for you.I'm not surprise your mom got upset.

Luke i know you're craving any type of opposite sex dating relationship experience but oh my gosh. This woman is too young too young.I hope you're not letting a good time bite you in the butt.

[Luke Skywalker]

Yes, I'm craving ANY type of opposite sex dating relationship, and why not, I've never had one before - I finally meet someone that makes me feel like a man.

 

You are making an issue with age, and NOT the fact she already dated a 29 y/o man before me and had a 6 month old child with him?

 

Anyway, going back to the topic, the age difference and her smaller height is helpful in making me feel like a man. My mom is not upset with me about her age, she's upset that I'd pursue a girl with a child - it's the child she is upset about.

 

I cant find a proper girl my age, because I'm a little boy to women of my own age category, and you have seen from the responses on here that most women in my age category and even slightly yonger will see me as a pariah case, a pathetic momma's boy that has no life of his own and would not want to date me.

 

Again, I'm age blind, and as far as I'm concerned, she's been with guys before, I'm a virgin, and I think she's older than I am in different ways.

 

Luke,

 

Say what!! You're interested in a 18 year old teenager and you're in you're 30.I don't care if this woman kiss your feet everyday.This woman is tooooooooo young for you.I'm not surprise your mom got upset.

Luke i know you're craving any type of opposite sex dating relationship experience but oh my gosh. This woman is too young too young.I hope you're not letting a good time bite you in the butt.

[Batya33]

If you're only going to date who your parents approve of I would suggest not dating at all because women in your age group who have healthy self-esteem are going to run - fast! - once they find out you live at home and are under your mother's thumb.

 

Work on untying the apron strings first and then worry about dating.

 

I think it's fine to date women who are unsuitable for a relationship as long as you keep it casual and do not lie to them if asked about your intentions.

[Kevin T]

I'm sure many will disagree with me, but... *exhales deeply*

 

Luke, are you happy?

 

And can you honestly say that she is happy?

 

If so, then I see no reason for you to not be with her. Maybe she's mature for her age... or maybe she isn't. I don't know. But if you're both happy, I say take it and run. Run long, run hard, run fast. If you found someone/something that makes you happy, I'd say be thankful!

 

Time is short, happiness is fleeting. Enjoy the little moments you get because nothing lasts forever.

 

(And if I were your age, or older... I'd be dating younger women myself. Heck, when I'm 50, I plan on dating three 20 year olds simultaneously! Might as well get SOMETHING out of my hard-earned education.)

[Luke Skywalker]

But run where? I live with my parents. I'm under my mother. I have to sleep here. I have to face my mom. She lives with her parents too, and her child. I cant go to her place, and she cant come to mine. There is a child in the picture. If I do go out with her, I'll be making strife in here and I should really leave this house, and live on my own, so I can make independent decisions and not feel morally obligated to be influenced by my parent's opinion on things since they are supporting me.

[finewhine]

My mom is denying me permission

 

Seriously, get out of the house.

[Kevin T]

Well, it was merely a figure of speech, but it is true that you need to get out of the house and stop letting your mother dictate your dating habits.

[Aurian]

You're 30. Its time to be an adult and have your own home and make your own rules.

[quietgrl]

Luke,

 

Oh my gosh.Yup you're in the danger zone alright and you're not thinking with your head but your lower head. Luke did you hear what you just told me and you're wonder why your parents are questioning your judgement about women. This has nothing,nothing to do with your virginity but you don't see nothing wrong with a 30 year old man fooling around,dating, whatever with a 18 year old teenage woman.I don't care if she had sex or dated 50 men over 21 or had 10 kids.She is too young and actting grown doesn't change a thing.

Luke you're in a dangerous time in your life right now because you're trying to find yourself and any woman who show you affection is god to you and you're open to be used. Yes, luke when it comes to sex and dating you're 18 and any woman is 30 but reality check.You're not 18 your 30.

Oh my gosh ,i'm a virgin but i'm glad. I'm not going through a mid life virgin crisis because some adult virgins are doing some crazy thing just to get some love and sex in their lives.You're scaring the bones out of me luke. 30 year old virgin Ross pull the same thing like you by talking to a 18 year old woman just to get some "experiences" . He told me but QG she giving me affection and attention(sounds like you).Ross got a reality check too.

[Luke Skywalker]

Luke,

 

Oh my gosh.Yup you're in the danger zone alright and you're not thinking with your head but your lower head. Luke did you hear what you just told me and you're wonder why your parents are questioning your judgement about women. This has nothing,nothing to do with your virginity but you don't see nothing wrong with a 30 year old man fooling around,dating, whatever with a 18 year old teenage woman.I don't care if she had sex or dated 50 men over 21 or had 10 kids.She is too young and actting grown doesn't change a thing.

 

The point of this thread quietgirl, is whether or not my mother should influence my decisions or not. As other people have suggested, it seems that I should not be living with my mom and I should move out to have a greater sense of autonomy, especially in regards to dating decisions.

 

Being 30 y/o and having to answer to my mother or parents about what I'm doing or who I'm seeing, or require their approval or moral support, is the point at issue of this thread. Whether my parents are right or wrong is not the issue here, but whether their influence or control over my life, even where it seems they are 'protecting' me from the world or hurting myself is a set-up that is causing much more harm than it is causing good.

 

Luke you're in a dangerous time in your life right now because you're trying to find yourself and any woman who show you affection is god to you and you're open to be used.

 

Used, in what way? Watching a movie and talking - or taking her out in other venues, I would hardly call that being 'used' and think you are taking something totally out of context. That 'dating for fun', and as long as the other person is cool with 'dating for fun' then that's cool.

 

Yes, luke when it comes to sex and dating you're 18 and any woman is 30 but reality check.You're not 18 your 30.

 

That's one of the reasons I feel like a man with her.

 

Oh my gosh ,i'm a virgin but i'm glad. I'm not going through a mid life virgin crisis because some adult virgins are doing some crazy thing just to get some love and sex in their lives.You're scaring the bones out of me luke. 30 year old virgin Ross pull the same thing like you by talking to a 18 year old woman just to get some "experiences" . He told me but QG she giving me affection and attention(sounds like you).Ross got a reality check too.

 

Ross_K is also living with his mother, and has to answer to her. He is also a momma's boy. I didn't care that she had a child, all I cared about was she was young and willing to go out anywhere with me. That just blew my mind.

 

I can tell she's a bit curious about me and would like to know more about me as she said, I dont see why my mom would stand in the way of this. I should let her know more about me, and we should continue having a good-time. Why not?

[annie24]

because a single mom isn't "a good time girl." she is someone who deserves a lot of love and respect, I wouldn't just use her as a person to casually date. not only that, she is 18. far too young. clearly, she has some serious problems if she is 18 and an unwed mother.

 

I thought you wanted a religious woman with strict morals?

[Luke Skywalker]

because a single mom isn't "a good time girl." she is someone who deserves a lot of love and respect, I wouldn't just use her as a person to casually date. not only that, she is 18. far too young. clearly, she has some serious problems if she is 18 and an unwed mother.

 

I thought you wanted a religious woman with strict morals?

 

She is a religious girl with strict morals now. She's given her life to the Lord, is born-again, and is a new person.

 

However, I'm guaging her strictly by interest level as well as her faith. In a similar vein, one could say that I'm setting myself to be used since I'm too hungry where I'd just take anyone who talks the right talk (faith wise) and is into me, regardless of any other consideration in a reckless way.

 

She has been given clues and tips about myself (i.e. she's aware I'm a virgin, 30 y/o, and had my first kiss with her, etc....) where it would be more than obvious that I'm getting 'first-experiences' from her, so as she is still willing to see me after THAT type of communication, then she appear to not mind casual dating. I think she views me like some sort of enigma, but then I guess, other people view me like that on here too. It's not every day you meet a 30 y/o virgin guy, whose never kissed, touched, or held hands with a girl before, and I'm doing a few of these things for the first time in my life with her on my first meeting with her.

[quietgrl]

oohh Luke,

This is what i'm talking about little bro. This girl is too young.Who's the grown up between you two and where is the maturity here?There is no bondaries being set because you want sexual experiencs from a woman and she thinks you're an enigma.This woman needs guided not another enigma experiences .Her focus should be taking care of her child(child support from her baby daddy) and not from older men.She needs to focus on school or/and finding good job to support her and her child.What is she doing messing with men half her age and trying to give them an enigma experiences.(shaking my head in worry)

[quietgrl]

Luke,

 

This is what i think about your parents and your independents.I do agree with everybody that you need to move out of your parents house and gain your independents but i also agree that some of what your parents are saying about the women you're choosing is right on too.You're letting some of your naivete cloud your judgment and your parents is only trying to protect you but they can't.I'm screaming my head off listening to you because i know where this is going if you or this 18 year old teenager doesn't shown maturity.

Luke a man will realize this girl is too young,let her grown into a mature woman and he would find a woman over 21.You're a 30 year old man at the end of the day not a teenager boy. You can't turn back time.I wish i could go back in time and be 16 but i can't.I'm a virgin woman in my mid thirties with a dating experience of a 13 year girl.I can't act like a 13 year old on a date with a man.Luke you're using this woman because she might not set boundaries if you act like a 18 year old ( kissing,hugging, and maybe more sexual things).That's why this relationship could lead to trouble.How can you not care if she has a child.Luke there is a seriuos responibliity when you date a woman with a child.A child sometimes get's attach to men who date their mother and it's not good for a child to see their mother date differant men either.You can't exclude the kid or try to be this kid's father just to get close to the mom.(exhaling)

Yes dating should be fun but this is a 18 year old single mom dating a 30 year old man.This woman thinks you're an engima and you don't care because you're so happy one teenager has showed you some attention.I can seriuos see why your parents are going crazy.

Ok i'm done. i love you little brother(kiss and big hug).I will alway worry about you and Ross and i will alway be on my brother's butt.

[Batya33]

When I was ages 12-14 I had standards like that - I just wanted to go out on a date - with anyone - anyone who would want to go with me (luckily the boy I had a crush on in 7th grade asked me out and we went to see a double feature - animal house was one - on a double date. It was heaven).

 

Of course my standards at that time were silly but normal at that age - as an adult, it's not about just going on a date - it's about going on a date with someone you like/are potentially interested in where the feeling is mutual - sure, it's not a terrible idea to practice social skills but you don't get much practice where there are no stakes - where you know going in you are completely incompatible. One date, sure - maybe two - but beyond that it doesn't reflect what it's like to spend time with and get to know someone you have sincere interest in.

[Batya33]

My mom is denying me permission.

 

At 30 it is not your mother who is denying you permission - you are taking the safe way out - no need to be financially independent, to make your own decisions, to be accountable for your own decisions - much easier to blame mom. I lived at home until I finished grad school - age 28 - and once I did move out I had many "a ha!" moments as to "that's what they all meant about being independent!" And my parents were not at all controlling but still . ..

[Dating Coach]

Your mom.

Your 30.

You're 30 and listening to your mom who you should date?

 

If you keep listening to your mom, thinking is your opinion wrong, or your mom is right....no matter what criteria you choose to pick potential gfs you're doomed.

Because no matter if a girl is virgin (good luck with that), with no baggage, or divorcee with 2 kids and an ex addict - no way she will want to date someone who's listening his mom so much.

I've read a lot of posts here written by girls who were dating guys like you - overly worried about their parents opinion. It can't be good.They were always hurting and considering a brake up.

 

Choose to live alone. It is time to do that.

 

I agree.

 

My mom divorced her first husband who was very much in love with my mom, because he was too much of a pushover with his mother. My mom got sick of his pushover behavior and his refusal to stand up to his mom and put her in her place when she began to interfere... as she usually did.

 

You're 30-threadstarter. You're at least 10 years late to be telling your mom to butt out. My advice to you would be to stand up and do something.

[cpc28655]

Luke,

 

Say what!! You're interested in a 18 year old teenager and you're in you're 30.I don't care if this woman kiss your feet everyday.This woman is tooooooooo young for you.I'm not surprise your mom got upset.

Luke i know you're craving any type of opposite sex dating relationship experience but oh my gosh. This woman is too young too young.I hope you're not letting a good time bite you in the butt.

 

Who are we to make that judgement? 18 is beyond the age of concent. Granted that is too young for my personal taste, but if the 2 people are happy, then why not? It's very similar to the attitude people took 40 years ago in regards to interracial relationships. Only the prejudice has changed. Think about it.

[cpc28655]

I agree.

 

My mom divorced her first husband who was very much in love with my mom, because he was too much of a pushover with his mother. My mom got sick of his pushover behavior and his refusal to stand up to his mom and put her in her place when she began to interfere... as she usually did.

 

You're 30-threadstarter. You're at least 10 years late to be telling your mom to butt out. My advice to you would be to stand up and do something.

 

I like her already, lol.

[Luke Skywalker]

Currently I have a fever, I'm sick, and thus could not have meet this girl today anyway, and like I'm busy with Real-Estate and with my new and improved schedule am practically at work 9 am to 9 pm every day with a meagre 2 hour break (if even that much can be squeezed out) just to collect my thougths. I have been too busy to consider dating and right now I'm too busy selling homes.

 

Hopefully, I'll make enough money, after I fulfill all my debt obligations, to save enough for a few month's rent to move out of here for kicks, but in the mean time, I do not have any choice with this girl since I'm so busy, and my mom also seems to disapprove of it.

 

I'll be analysing the construct of some of the posts that would be supporting my mom's position with respect to this girl.