Ah, Conventionality

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Last night, my boyfriend went out to the pub/a friend's house with a few friends he's known since he was 12 or whatever. Several of his friends have met each other's girlfriends, and I gather that they have double-dated and whatever.

 

Here, I must emphasise that our social lives are entirely separate. I don't really have one as such-I hang out with people at college, and I have a group of old friends from when I was 14 or whatever who I see...rarely.

He, on the other hand, is 4 years older, went to different schools, different area, went to Uni, etc. Naturally, thereforeeee, no overlap exists at all.

 

And I love it. I have problems with emotions, people, and my emotions in relation to other people. I can "do" friends, but the thought of a lot of socializing/my boyfriend meeting any friends of mine makes me want to be ill, for some reason.

 

Long and short of it, BF started to mention how a couple (meh okay..several) of his friends really wanted to meet me, how they'd seen photos but he'd been with me for over a year now and they're curious, especially as he says how happy we are, and so forth and so on, and why didn't he bring me to the dinner they are going out to have on the 29th, why wasn't I with him last night, etc etc.

 

At this point I used the cutlery on the table of the restaurant to demonstrate the distance I wish to keep between my friends/his friends/me/his friends. I don't have any problem with him seeing friends or whatever - but me, no, I DO NOT want to meet them.

 

I didn't quite feel I could say "Yes, dear, but I'm an ugly, uninteresting, freakish, changeable bipolar SOAB that only appeals to a narrow minority and I DON'T want to be paraded in front of 10 random 22-year-olds".

 

I did say the above, actually, I'll admit it. He was slightly upset. He said would he ever meet any of my friends. I said if I ever made any new ones at Uni or whatever, maybe, but I'd rather eat a whole jar of ...something foul.

 

He wasn't mad, but he doesn't get it. I don't understand. I really don't. It's not a legal requirement, is it. I appreciate that if/when we get married, I'll meet his friends and I'll be pleasant/sociable, but only bare minimum, because I just don't want to be. I'm not that kind of person.

 

vent over

[Honey Pumpkin]

It's a way of integrating your lives, and meshing together certain bits of it. I'm not a big fan of becoming one big splodge couple in the middle of shared friends either. But I think it's okay also to meet his friends and to open up a bit your life to him.

 

Maybe do it in a non-threatening way first - a drink with two people in a pub rather than dinner and all of them at once. Casual, low-key and with an easy exit route for you. But seriously, consider it - it's not that strange a request for him to make, and he'll appreciate you making the effort I think. But not a big announcement to everyone - "here she is, ta da!", that would freak me out as well!

 

Good luck

[Day_Walker]

I believe that you can act that way but it is eventually going to cause problems. He may be fine with it now but as we get older socializing happens more frequently and that is usually a couples extent of going out. If you dont want to meet his friends or only want to be involved with them in a limited way then do so but this will come up in the future.

[DN]

I agree with the others. It's not a question of his 'friends become your friends' per se but it is a question of inter-meshing your lives even if only to a certain extent. And because that is the usual way that couples behave his friends must be thinking that there is something about you that he is ashamed of and/or that you are some sort of snob for not wanting to meet them. In either case he is probably embarrassed.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Lol, I'm not bothered what they think..*I* know I'm not a snob.

 

I was searching for a way to illustrate my problem, then:

 

"I have no social skills and detest small talk" - I just heard that quote from some documentary on TV in the background, how apt! Think it was Howard Carter.

[Momene]

You may see yourself as ugly, uninteresting, etc but I'm much uglier and boring than you are.

 

I see you as interesting and insightful, perhaps his friends could too.

[ImThatGirl]

Aawww Antilove! I can understand not wanting to meet his friends, etc.

 

Honestly, I'm absolutely terrified of meeting any of my bf's family or friends. In the 5 months we've been dating, I've went with him to a group of friends party once. I've also seen some of them in passing. I say "hi" and move on quickly. He's wanted me to meet his parents for awhile too.

 

I am seriously terrified and don't like the thought of small talk either. I hate small talk that seems like "pretending to get to know others." And I hate the thought that one of them may not approve and then my bf may question his feelings for me.

 

I think it would be appropriate for you to occasionally join him in visiting with friends. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. I certainly admire you. I think they will too.

[Juliana]

You can't get away from it, actually. It's unavoidable. What is to be engineered here is a kind of flying wave, similar to the way the Queen drives through the streets of London. No actual contact, but everyone sees that she exists. Maybe you and he could happen to stop by someplace he knows his friends are, on your way someplace else; five minutes and you're out. You can do five minutes; just don't say anything. Think of the Queen.

[Momene]

I once asked my girlfriend's family "How many marks out of 10 for the new boyfriend?"

 

It worked a treat!

[jenny_mcs]

I think your post title "Ah, Conventionality" displays some superiority- as though, well, isn't your boyfriend so boring or bourgeois for wanting you to meet his friends.

 

I mean, you can try to disguise it any way you can, but you are acting this way out of fear.

 

Most people, at some point, are going to want to introduce their signifigant other to their friends. And you are scared to meet them. I think you should tell him that. Don't try to disgiuse it behind superiority "I am above small talk" or hyperbole "I would rather eat a jar of something foul..."

 

Just tell him that you are scared, and together devise a plan to meet one or two of his closest friends for an hour or so in a situation that will be the most comfortable for you.

[Juliana]

Humour is a coping mechanism when dealing with situations that are intimidating. Especially sarcastic humour, which can be a way of expressing resentment without becoming aggressive about it.

 

I think it's possible to have enormous respect for conventionality (and even a certain wistful longing for it), while recognizing that it's demands are sometimes difficult to meet. I say that from behind the safe confines of a carefully painted, well-maintained and hard won white picket fence....

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Something foul like pickle, not like vomit. I assure you, it is NOT a hyperbole.

 

I have OPENLY spoken of my fears on this forum. I really don't mind people knowing that I certainly have social phobia/agoraphobia tendencies, maybe I should have been more explicit, but I thought everyone would sort of pick up on that..i don't know, I'm sorry as per usual for offending, blah blah.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

And I didn't even THINK of associating it with being bourgeoisie or whatever, despite getting 100% in my Communism/Marx And Engels paper...socialising doesn't have a whole lot to do with my political outlook, not in this case anyway!

 

I just don't want to be paraded and judged on, which is what I'm afraid of, AS I have mentioned!

[ImThatGirl]

Is there a word for "fear of being judged?" I'd like to know it. Seriously, I've been avoiding meeting my bf's family and friends. I haven't however explained to him why. It's something I'll do eventually but I don't see need for rushing...

 

Antilove - I hope you know you always make me smile and I think you are such a fantastic individual. Your boyfriend probably does want you to meet him. He knows your fabulous! He probably can't understand this too well.

[DN]

link removed

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Thank you very much ITG.

 

And to DN for the link...however it made me laugh as I'm starting to believe I've read every darn article on the web about mental health and related problems, as it was all very familiar! All true as well, jsut have to...implement it.

[2ndmrsdewinter]

You sound like Jane Eyre to me. I mean that in the best possible sense. I know exactly what you mean about being uncomfortable with being paraded in front of everyone. I would be too. So I agree with the advice you've been given:

1. You need to meet his friends at some point.

2. Do it in a low-key way where you're not meeting them all at once and you aren't expected to talk ever so much.

[Derek]

the fear may be losing him if his friends don't like you...

 

Someone who is as intelligent as you can certainly make people rise to a notch above "small talk". Maybe just have genuine curiosity about people no matter their caste or place in live.

 

Perhaps just meet one or two at a time instead of a whole group at once.

Then you both could ease into it and when you meet the big group then you will have some allies to start with.

 

 

 

Derek