What the hell do i do?!

[babybear]

My parents have been married 25 years. I am a 17yr old girl, would say from a middle-class background. not at all dysfunctional and I am going to university next year.

My dad is out and I just went on his computer to print something and saw he had msn up. Someone had messaged him something very strange. I saw he had a load of contacts. I looked at their profiles and they all seemed like they were looking to date. So I read his emails and there were about 20 from this woman. On her replies I was able to read the emails my dad had sent her. He had sent her a picture of himself which wasn't a 'normal' picture. There were a couple of perverted messages but most seemed friendly and like he really wanted to be her friend. There was one from the summer saying he was going to Cyprus on his own, which was a lie - he went with me my mum and my brother. There were other messages too from other women. There were also some confirmation emails from dating websites. So I went on one and looked at his profile. It said some perverse things about how he was looking for women and what he was looking for. It also said his martial status was separated and he described himself.

What the do I do? Him and my mum were happy! I told my brother and he said he has found porn on the computer before. I really don't know what else to say.

[rocio]

You mother probably has the right no know, but I would be careful about getting involved.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Print every email you have found and keep them up where he will not be able to find them, confront your father and tell him either he tells or you will don't mention that you have the emails printed just tell him your mother deserves to know and either he will be the one to tell or you will and if he doesn't want to do it then when you have an opportunity bring your mother to the side and inform her, she has all rights to know.

 

I wsa in a similar situation 3 years ago except it was my mother cheating on my father and emailing random guys, being on dating sites and such and I did exactly what I just told you because as soon as I Told my father what was going on and he had confronted my mother she was able to delete all emails and proof to back up what Iw as saying and if I hadn't had the emails printed out it would have looked like I was jsut trying to start trouble.

Be careful though, and be warned it isn't going to be pretty and your mother is going to be hurt or who knows maybe she is suspecting but just doesn't have the means or idea that is really is going on.

 

Good Luck and be strong sweety!

[Beec]

This is a big yikes.

 

I see you have a few choices. In any case, I'd get the evidence.

 

1. Get the evidence, then do nothing;

2. Get it and then let your mother find it;

3. Get it, confront your father, from there, who knows, you can tell him it's over and monitor him, make him tell your mother, whatever, etc. If you do this, expect him to try to negotiate;

4. Get the evidence, tell your mother.

 

Only you can decide. What do you think is the thing that will be in their best interests for the long term?

[rocio]

If you decide to inform your mother, I would do in anonymously. If this did blow into something big, you wouldn't want to be in the middle or feel guilty for what resulted.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there babybear,

 

My initial reaction - which may not be great - is to not get involved. Even with your parents, it's hard to know what is going on between them, and there will be things between them that are private and kept away from their children. It may be that they have been having difficulties at present.

 

If you feel that you have to do something, then I would talk to your father about it. It could be that he has having a sort of mid-life crisis, and is acting out online, without any intention of following through. I cannot see an easy way forward for you if you get involved, however. Is there a family friend/relative you can talk to who knows how to be discreet? An aunt or cousin, who you can talk about this with? I just think that given your age and relationship, it's not going to be something you are going to be able to tackle in a detached enough way, and maintain your relationship with both parents.

 

Really tough - this is one of the hardest questions that I have seen, in that I genuinely don't know what you should do. Sorry, not much help, I know. But as I say, my first reaction was not to get involved; if you do, talk to your father or another relative. I would not approach your mother directly with this at present.

 

Good luck - what a horrible situation to be in.

[sophie274]

I'm really sorry this is happening: what a terrible position to be in.

 

If I were you, I would not get involved. At most, tell your father you found this. But it is your parents' marriage, and I think this is a matter to be resolved between the two of them, and you do not want to be caught up in the middle of this. Both your parents love you no matter what, and I don't think you should "take sides", especially as you do not know the whole story. Not that I'm saying that there could be justification for what your father is doing, but 25 years is a long time to be together, and you don't know what has happened during all of their marriage, nor what they may have agreed to behind closed doors. Maybe your mother even knows about this.

 

Basically, what I am saying in there are a lot of unknowns, and it is not right for a 17 year old to be in the position of organizing a confrontation and brokering a resolution between her parents. I think as their daughter, you should not be involved in the ins and outs of their marriage.

 

I also imagine you must be feeling a lot of resentment towards your father - you may want to talk to someone about this.

[Juliana]

I'm sorry, but you have to tell your mother and your father. You have to print out the letters etc., then you have to sit down with both of them and tell them what you found.

 

You cannot maintain secrecy about this without becoming complicit in it with your father against your mother. If you go to your mother alone, it will appear you have again chosen a side. Sitting down with both of them provides them with the reality slap that you are their child, not their parent, and you are not supposed to be dealing with their emotional problems or the stresses in their marriage -- so they'd better deal with it, however they want.

 

Tell your brother so that he can either sit down with you or choose to be out of the house.

 

Not telling is not an option, unfortunately. In the long term, you will be damaged by that. You are being damaged now, so the sooner you deal with this, the better.

 

Your mother might be aware of what your father is doing, so just come out with it and leave it for them to deal with. It's not your problem, it's theirs.

[lovecrazy]

what you can do...is going into his computer again, and do a Print Screen and paste into a Paint Document of the email confirmations, for the dating sites.

 

Print out a few of the emails, the ones that were more than friendly...and make copies, one for you to show your date first (if you choose to confront him) then the second set, show to your mother....and go from there. She has a right to know.

 

But you need to think long and hard before you do anything...