Will threesome ruin my relationship?

[Lboogie23]

i am a 23 yr old bi-sexual women. For the last three years i have been involved in a serious and monogomous relationship with a man 10 yrs older than myself. We just had our second child in august of 06. This is, in my mind, the perfect man for me.

 

A while after we began our relationship, i confided in him that i had been in a few lesbian relationships prior to my relationship with him. He, like most men found this to be a huge turn on. He never really brought it up much until a few months ago. During sex we like to talk dirty to each other, actually its more his thing, but i enjoy it too. Anyways, he started saying things in reference to a threesome. At first it bothered me and actually turned me off during sex bc although i had been with women and am attracted to them, i have never had a threesome or wanted to. I'm kind of a one on one kinda gal. I like intamicy.

 

The only time he brings it up is while we are having sex. But he is sooo adamit about it. I have stsrted playing along with this in bed, it really turns him on and i am by nature an overly compensating pleaser, kinda passive type. sometimes he says he wants to have sex with the other girl,( when we're having sex) and that bothers me. So i guess my question is, should i do this for him? Or will it ruin our relationship. I really love him and i want our relationship to last. This is important to me also bc we have children together now. But even though i enjoy women, i don't know how i would handle seeing him with someone else.

 

I would appreciate any male or female advice, thanks!

[Beec]

I think you don't do it, unless you really know you both will STICK even if it is horrible. I don't see why to do it.

 

It sounds like it turns him on to talk about it. Has he actually asked to have one?

[agent1607307371]

tell him you can have one but he has to have one with another man for you.

 

 

Seriously, after ten years of monogamy and you not being into it (and I think it hurts you to think that he wants to have sex with another woman) that it could only end negatively.

 

A threesome by it's dynamic destabilises an already established pairing and is the top of the list for fantasies that you should never do for someone.

 

That said, if your dwelling on it, you need to speak to him about it, express your feelings on the subject and find out his as it just might be something he enjoys talking about.

[Lboogie23]

he only asks for it when we are having sex

[agent1607307371]

Then it could just be a fantasy he likes use to spice things up, but may never choose in real life.

 

definitely speak with him though.

[Beec]

If it is just a fantasy, then maybe you should take to him about limiting the comments, such as no mention of him hainvg sex with her, or something.

[treefrogkate]

You need to talk about it. Tell him you are not interested in introducing someone else into your relationship, and that it makes you uncomfortable when he mentions it during sex. Maybe he thinks since you've been with women that this would be a turn-on for you? And since you have been going along with it, that is positive reinforcement for him.

[Lboogie23]

Do you think bc he only says it during sex that it is just a fantasy?

I have discussed this subject with hime before and i told him i don't think that i could ever do it, and he got so mad at me he didn't talk to me the whole next day, he said i ruined his fantasy. What is that supposed to mean? Anyways, we ended up getting in a fight and he resolved that he was happy with our relationship the way it is, and left it alone for a while , and just recently he started bringing it up during sex again, and thats when he started mentioning having sex with the other women.

 

Should i be worried that i'm not enough for him? He always says how attractive i am and that i'm the best he's ever had,so i guess i'm just confused why he wants something else.

[Beec]

It's quite possible that he does not want anything else, but that thoughts of the fantasy help him during sex to keep it up, get excited, get off, etc.

[treefrogkate]

Perhaps instead of saying you're uncomfortable with it, you can ask him to confirm that it's *just* a fantasy. If he says otherwise, then I would worry. But I wouldn't start worrying before talking to him. It might just be a miscommunication?

[blender]

YES IT WILL NOT ONLY RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, YOU WILL LOSE SOMETHING FAR MORE PRECIOUS, AND THAT IS YOUR SENSE OF SELF. DO NOT GO DOWN THIS ROAD.. IT'S DARK, AND LONELY IN THE LONG RUN.. HAVE THE SELF RESPECT TO NOT DO THIS...

 

Please don't even use phrases like "I'm worried I"m not enough for him".. enough of what? SEX? ugh.. that isn't love.. he's messed up, he's expermenting, and I'm sorry but you are not a "lab rat or test tube" for him to fulfill his "fantasies".. his response alone to you saying "you would never do that" is him just revealing the shallowness of his character.. beware, this same shallow behavior will toss you aside once you agree to stoop to his level and turn your 'intamcy" into a non-loving, three way..yuk.. get away, fantasy is one thing, but acting on it, is another..

[Cadence308]

I know lesbians and girl on girl sex is a turn on for men, however, I think most of them are confused in that bi-sexual women aren't all into threesomes. Maybe your boyfriend thinks that because you are bi-sexual that should mean that you will engage in his fantasy of a threesome with another woman.

 

If that is his biggest turn on and the only way to get him off, then I'd be worried about it and definitely talk to him about it. Since you sound like you are not comfortable with the idea of a threesome I would not compromise your standards and give in to him. It will dissolve your relationship with him completely.

[maleAdonis]

i'm 29 and having a somewhat related problem in my sexual relationship to my wife.

 

i like to fantasize about other women and i love sharing fantasies with my wife - although her reaction and acceptance of them are wildly unpredictable.

 

my own personal thought is that i wouldn't have the fantasies if i didn't want to actually go through with them. (this excludes fantasies that may be in any way harmful to others).

 

admitting that i would actually like to experience another woman is difficult for both of us. i'm hoping this site with help lead to some more answers.

 

i deeply love my wife, despite abuse and intimacy problems from my childhood.

 

best wishes,

 

-JP

[scarew]

I've done it so maybe I can help. It wasn't in this relationship but in a previous one. It didn't ruin anything. But its only because we were BOTH into it equally. In fact, one might say I was more into it than him. In a way, that intimidates a man. So his itch is satisfied, but then he gets back to wanting only YOU(maybe for fear of losing you to a woman).

 

I've considered it with my husband. I'm pregnant so definetly not anytime soon, but maybe one day. There are certain rules and etiquette that you need to prepare yourself for as a couple first. For example, the person you choose must be neutral. She must not know one of you more than the other, and preferably from out of town and your social circle.

 

Bottom line, YOU have to be into it. If your not, get your cards out on the table. Tell him its not going to happen in the near future, and if he can't accept that, you need to go to counseling.

[maleAdonis]

scarew probably has some pretty good advice. i couldn't imagine anything more uncomfortable then taking two people lacking confidence and purpose and adding a third. threesomes don't ruin relationships - but our reactions to powerful things like sex, jealousy and fear definitely can.

 

i've spent 6+ years proving to my wife, through actions not just words, that i'm committed, devoted and loving. (despite panic attacks and nausea when we try to be intimate that come from PTSD and childhood abuse). however, nothing i ever say or do would convince her that sex with another person, together, could be sweet, intimate, passionate, adventurous and fulfilling - and possibly bring us closer together. jealousy is a natural, and often necessary reaction - and, she's just not comfortable with herself or her sexuality or our relationship to fulfil a fantasy that she herself often has and thinks about to climax.

 

in a perfect world i wouldn't have these strong desires - and, they probably point to a problem in my own mind regarding emtional connection and intimacy. i'm here to try to figure some of this out. maybe some of what i know can help others, too.

 

-JP

[lipostudio]

The short answer, from someone who has been involved in several three-somes (both 2 guy - 1 girl and 2 girl - 1 guy) is that yes, it is likely to ruin your relationship. Especially if you're feeling insecure about it when it's just an idea.

 

I had a threesome with my ex-girlfriend and her husband. We were under the influence, it seemed like a good idea - totally messed up their relationship for a long time and he is unable to speak to me now, he's so uncomfortable. Their stress was caused by him comparing me to her - he very much enjoyed sex with me, and this caused problems with her having weird feelings about me and about him...it goes on and on.

 

Now, this could be because we all knew one another. With a complete stranger, if it was a one-off, it might be totally different. I think you'd be well within rights to say you would do it if he didn't have penetrative sex with the other woman, but that would only be if you liked the idea of messing around with the girl while he was watching/doing something to you. If the idea doesn't appeal at all, you need him to know this. Even if it "ruins his fantasy".

 

Sounds like he's being quite unhelpful about all of it, being kind of passive-aggressive when you say you're not interested in doing it. Is he like this about other aspects of your life? He needs to be able to respect your comfort and happiness levels - sacrificing his fantasy if need be. Although I don't understand why he can't continue to fantasize knowing it will never happen...

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

"Hello, I love you. So, I wanna sleep with someone else".

 

This tells you everything, really.

 

Yes, it will wreck it for the simple reason you don't want it and he's bit of an idiot.

[Spugly Fuglet]

There was a grate poster here from the US who said that often it was woman or men who where bi meeting same sex partnesrs wile bing in a start realtionship and that many times the following brake up was them coming out as gay.

 

If its you pushing for this think real hard for you go down this road.

 

Once long ago I did this and it ended up a real mess, I walked away and larnt my lesion.

[agent1607307371]

Then they weren't really bi. They were still in the process of working out their sexual identity.

[CarnelianButterfly]

If I was having sex with someone and they said they wanted to have sex with someone else, that would be a show stopper. I'd be out of bed, dressed, and out the door. That's like saying someone else's name in bed.

[Rabican]

I think itll ruin the relationship. But if you really do want to do it for him lay down some rules.

 

compromise on the situation.

 

He can look, he can grope, but he cannot have sex w/ other girl. He can watch the two of you (trust me, hell love that) and he can do whatever he wants to you. That way you dont have the mental picture of your guy ramming some other girl and he wont be comparing you to her.... he still has his fantasy (mostly).

[blender]

ugh.. don't even consider it, because your very first instinct was one of self respect and you said "no" so stick with this.. it's what is right for you and for your relationship...

 

Love is not about what fantasies he HAS to have, it's about what you two are building together, trust, respect, comfort, commitment..

 

if he needs a juggling act in the bedroom already..I mean c'mon if he's that "high maintanance" at this point, ewww. what's next??

 

I'd be very clear that you would rather have an investment in more emotional intamcy not physical sexual crap.. once that becomes "more important" to one partner.. well.. it's all down hill from there... yuk.

[candy604]

do not have a threesome..i can't imagine my bf/spouse sleeping with another woman. Intimacy is for two of you. Just don't do a threesome, it's probably his fantasy but plz don't go through with it.

[Suzy-TO]

What man does not want a threesome?

[blender]

What man does not want a threesome??? I'll tell you what man does NOT want to "act" out this fantasy:

 

A decent, loyal, mature, strong, wise, caring, emotionally dedicated man, who understands that "fantasy" is one thing, (use it in your mind) but "ACTING" on it, would mean he'd have to disregard his own soul and that of the woman he loves, (simply for a few moments of physical gratification) and in doing so he is not demonstrating healthy values and standards, and having the respect for the woman he is in love with..

 

The kind of man who does NOT want to follow through on a threesome is aware that the heart, mind, body of a woman is to be cherished, not exploited.