When you first say "I love you" and she doesn't say it back

[Grokker]

Hi everyone. Grokker has done it again.

 

I had a really, really good dating relationship going with this woman.

 

She seemed to be everything I wanted, still does. We connected unbelievably well on an intellectual and emotional level... and the physical chemistry was explosive, every time.

 

I'd been emailing her for two weeks, and then, these last three weeks, I've been on five dates with her. Each a little more intimate and a little closer.

 

 

She'd keep staring at me and asking me where I'd come from and where I'd been all her life. She said I turned her on body, mind and heart. Hinted at pre-destined love, at belonging together for the long haul, all of that.

 

Meanwhile... I'd been doing the right thing, keeping just the right distance, giving her space, and it seemed only to attract her to me even more.

 

Last night she made me dinner at her place, it was a big deal to her cause she said she'd only get one first shot at doing that for me, ever. After that we were making out passionately in her bedroom (still haven't had sex, but just about, with clothes on).

 

So at one point during that experience, I blurt out, "I love you".

 

She holds me real tight, looks into my eyes, and says that it's accepted. That she just takes longer to warm up. That she will get there. That she is still where she was the moment before I said those words, in fact feels a little bit closer. That she respects me for having said them and communicated my feelings.

 

She was totally warm and affectionate, as much as before, afterwards and until I left her place.

 

But she didn't say it back!

 

So, here are my questions:

 

1) Did I mess up real bad? Should I write this one off and forget about it, even though it'd be REALLY hard, because I'm only going to wind up getting hurt (again)?

 

2) If I want to keep on with her... and I really do... then WHAT should I do? How do I go about this from here on? Please, I really need any step-by-step advice that you might have to offer.

 

Should I get in contact (call/text/email) first, or wait for her to?

 

Should I just email her and thank her for dinner and say nothing else (obvious departure from the long emails we used to exchange?) Do I email and own up to the feeling I had about her, hinting at a reconfirmation, or just totally leave it?

 

Before I blurted that out, she'd kept saying she couldn't wait to see me again, and made plans for us to meet again this weekend. Should I follow up with her about them?

 

Or... should I actively show that I'm stepping back, and would prefer to take some time off to think about things? In fact, get in touch with her and tell her I'd like to take some time apart?

 

Oh and yes, to the extent I know her... I do love her.

[hosswhispra]

Grokker,

 

She may have read that book, All Men Are Jerks, Until Proven Otherwise....One of the principles in that book is that sometimes a man (in the heat of passion) will blurt out, "I Love You" (and not necessarily mean it). The author then states that if a guy says that during the heat of passion (which you seemed to be both in) to take it with a grain of salt.

 

She then states that an "I love you," is more 'believable' when it is said in a moment other than during the heat of passion. Pick that book up. Read it. It may give you insight into how some women think.

 

hosswhispra

[fnlyfrei]

Isn't dating the schnizzle? And yeah, I did the same thing...I was so crazy about someone I blurted out the big three just weeks into it myself...and no, he did not say it back. Yes, I felt like kicking myself too. So I just stopped saying it..I backed off a bit. A few weeks later he comes to my door for a date...(I had never asked him in before..this evening I asked him to step in) He reaches around from behind his back with two long-stem red roses and tells me that yes, he loves me too. WOW. I still have the dried roses...and yes, I am hoping that he is forever. Step back. Give her some breathing room. Relax, sounds like things are great. Male or female, when we want something that badly, we need to step back or we can smother it before it has a chance to breathe. I am happy for you. Bestest wishes !!!

[Survictor]

Well, it isn't just guys that blurt out those words during sex!!! And I felt just like you, Grokker. But years later, we're still together and we both say those three little worlds all the time. Don't beat yourself up about it.

[Beec]

Back off just a bit over the next few days, then continue as if nothing ahs changed and as if you do not care when and if she says it.

 

She is on the same path emotionally, according to her words. She's jsut a few steps behind you. Bakc off, let her miss you a little, then come one back in.

[chigal28]

I would probably be second-guessing myself if I were in your shoes, because it can be very disconcerting to put something like that out there and not hear it back. BUT--based on how she responded, I really don't think you should second-guess yourself. I think her answer was VERY encouraging...she didn't look shocked, or start acting weird, or try to distance herself, which is probably what would have happened if she hadn't liked what you said, and sees that she could feel that way at some point, too.

 

Maybe she just takes those words very seriously, and doesn't want to say it back "just to say it." Maybe she's heard them before and they turned out not to have that much meaning behind them.

 

I would say keep your plans with her, definitely, since she's already expressed an interest, and go from there. She knows how you feel, so I wouldn't say it again, but SHOW her consistently that you respect her, that you care about her, etc. Allow her to feel comfortable and secure, but not pressured, and let things grow at a natural pace.

 

Don't let this ruin what could be a potentially great relationship, and don't beat yourself up for sharing with her how you felt. It sounds like you guys are off to a great start, so don't obsess over it, and don't ACT weird around her. Just continue getting to know each other. If you're always focused on the fact that you might get hurt, you won't be focusing on just enjoying what you have, NOW, and spending time with a great girl.

 

Good luck!!

[Grokker]

Thank you all so much for your responses.

 

Hoss, I understand your point... and yeah, I guess it could have been described as a "passionate moment" I'm not sure if she's read that book, but I've no doubt at all that she's familiar with the concept. She's a professional psychotherapist by training! (God, if I ever tried to play games with this one I'd be SO outta my league... ;-) )

 

Fnlyfrei: Thanks, that was very kind and encouraging. However, I'd like to ask... how did you act in those weeks after you blurted it out and before he came to your door? In other words, how do I back off and not smother here?

 

My first instinct is no contact, or almost that, to let her miss the heck out of me. But there are problems with this. I hadn't fully committed to this weekend, but I HAD committed to the theater with her next Thursday evening. She's one of those busy professionals who likes to calendar things WAY ahead of time, and already booked tickets for us two weeks ago. I can't back out of that, or not be in touch with her about it all next week, without sending some very strong signals.

 

Survictor: That's great to know, thanks!

 

Beec Good advice as always, man. I think this is what I'll do... not NC, but a brief email tomorrow... play it ultra casual as to whether we meet this weekend, but definitely keep the date next Thursday.

 

Chigal Thanks very much for the detailed advice. My gut tells me that's where it's at, too. This certainly isn't one I want to lose or endanger... and I know it's important to show that I'm collected, and strong, and still care about her.

 

Tricky path to walk!

[Beec]

Another note.

 

Backing off need not mean you don't see her. You could be sitting right next to someone and back off, by just acting a bit aloof. So, keep that in mind.

 

And if you need any date ideas, ask and share. I may be attached, but we still go out. And I've been on a lot of different dates here in NYC.

[yeawutever]

Nope you didn't mess up, you say what came to you, what you really meant. Some people take longer than others. I'm one of those woman that don't tend to open up easily and not so expressive. By the 3rd month, b/f say "I love you". At that time those feelings weren't developed, now that they are developed within me, my way of saying is that whenever he says that, I say "ok, me too".

[hosswhispra]

By the 3rd month, b/f say "I love you". At that time those feelings weren't developed, now that they are developed within me, my way of saying is that whenever he says that, I say "ok, me too".

 

I smiled when I read that ^ I can totally relate to the "ok, me too" part!

[DizzyDoris]

Sounds like she is keen on you and if anything she will be feeling very flattered! I wouldnt do the no contact thing as this will totally confuse her, one day you say you love her the next you ignore her. Just keep things normal but lighthearted.

 

Just because she didnt say it back doesnt mean she isnt very fond of you. I would wait now and let her be the one to say those little 3 words next, sounds like she has her head screwed on pretty well. She will say them when she really means it, which is a good thing. Some people say that to their partners but dont mean it. Enjoy your time together,have lots of fun and remember all good things come to those who wait. Whats meant to be will be. You cant hurry love! (aaaargh ive got phil collins in my head now! )

[fnlyfrei]

I just acted normal. I did not stop calling him or cancel dates. I just pretended that I never said anything...I really wanted to crawl under a rock in actuality...but I resisted. Now I am working on not being the first one who calls every day. It is difficult. Last night I even managed to not answer the phone and waited an hour to call him back instead of jumping on the phone the minute it rang. It's hard to contain myself when I am so smitten...but you have to...otherwise the other person has no challenge at all. I have decided that if it turns out he doesn't call me, or doesn't initiate a conversation or a date...no biggie. I have a life too...and if things do not work out (which I completely hope they do..) life goes on, and it wasn't meant to be. My best friend chases men away in nanoseconds by calling and texting them incessantly. And if she is any kind of example...holy cow..I am not repeating her mistakes !!! Anyway, I digress...just be who you were before you said the magic words. And I think you are brave for saying them. Don't let it drive you mad thinking about it. If you love her you love her. Love isn't a bad thing.

[Beec]

Excellent post. Good thinking.

[amtjrtcet]

I understand your insecurities. I told my b/f "I love you" first also at the beginning of october, he did reply with "I love you too". We've said IT a total of 3 times since then and each times I've said it first. I've promised myself I won't say it again til he says it to me. That way I know he's not just saying it as a reply.

 

We all take a chance the first time we say "I love you" but we should never expect to hear it back. When I first told my b/f I didn't wait for a response, I just wanted him to know.

 

Beec is right, be a little aloof. Give it a little time.

[fnlyfrei]

Yeah Beec, I suppose I said the same thing you did, just worded a little wordier. It is good to know that guys feel some of the same stuff and make the same "mistakes"...I guess we aren't all that different in some respects. Gives me hope. : )

[treefrogkate]

I agree with everyone who said to act normally. NC is a bad idea in this case! She didn't shoot you down and tell you that she didn't like you, after all. She was happy that you said it, and I'll bet you'll hear it back in the near future. I would wait until she says it back to say it again, but for goodness sake, don't play head games now!

 

I said it first to my current boyfriend, and he said "I think I love you too." I was a little disappointed, but we talked about it, and I knew that his ex-girlfriend broke up with him because he said it too soon. Later that day he looked at me and said "I love you."

 

Give her time, but keep chugging along as you have been. It sounds like you two are doing just fine!

[freedom]

easiest way out..... i was caught in the moment and my heart spoke before my brain. I'm keen on you lets see where this goes.

[Grokker]

I don't get her. I don't get her at all.

 

The way she looks at me... the way she's all over me, when we're together, the stuff she writes to me after we part and I go home... if I saw a girl behave anything like that with a guy, I'd say she was in love with him.

 

I met her again on Saturday, as planned. It was unbelievable, again. I tried to take the advice of Beec and others on here to back off just a bit, stay aloof. But when a woman is all over you in every way, from showing you pictures of various points in her life, sharing some very personal secrets, and then physically unable to keep her hands and mouth off you... what do you do? How do you stay aloof, without seeming to reject her, when she has raised the psychological stakes like that?

 

I tried to stay cool and collected, as much as possible, but her passion got to me eventually. I spent the night at her place, for the first time, and we got really intimate. At some point during the evening she says to me, "I really want to love you." I said, in as reasonable a tone as possible "don't worry about it, it'll happen when it happens".

 

The next morning she rode halfway back to my place on the subway, holding hands, gazing into each others' eyes, all giggly innuendo all the time. Then she emails me, saying she's never had such an experience of a human being. And texts me, saying "I miss you already". And in other emails, describes how she's just been in a daze thinking about me all day.

 

But she won't say she loves me. I am mad, crazy, absolutely nuts about her. This is really, really disconcerting. I don't know whether to let my heart go, or guard it.

 

Today, she cooled off some... not really, but by comparison to yesterday. This is sort of a pattern with our dates. We get together, the chemistry is explosive, we're all over each other. The next day she is writing emails and sending texts as if I'm the be-all and end-all. Then a day later, and the day after that, she is still emailing and still warm and affectionate but it's a step back emotionally from the place she was immediately after our being together.

 

Today (Monday), she knew I was going to be busy at work, and didn't email at all. I sent her a text in the afternoon saying hi, and then she sent me a fairly long email... saying that she didn't want to bother me knowing how busy I was, but then going on to tell me all about her day and some interesting stuff she'd found out about my culture. All very nice, but a step back from yesterday that I could sense.

 

Tonight, a little while ago, I called her. She was laughing, happy to hear from me. We spoke, but it wasn't the two-hour conversation we had a week ago... I set up to meet her for lunch tomorrow and then got off the phone fairly quickly (did I do all right with the aloofness there?) She said she wasn't expecting to hear from me, but was glad I called.

 

Sorry for the lengthy ramble. I guess the two things I'm trying to point out are:

 

1) When we're together, she acts like she's in love, but though I've said it to her she won't yet say it to me.

2) When we part ways after a date, she'll be very impassioned, and then regress to warm and friendly as the days go by... until our next date, when the cycle repeats again!

 

It's maddening. But the only explanation I can think of is this.

 

 

She's going out of state and accross country this coming weekend... back to the place she was before she moved to NYC three years ago. She lived a large part of her life there, had many friends and part of her career that she wasn't able to bring with her for various reasons.

 

She has told me that, about three months before we met, she had planned on relocating there permanently because NY wasn't being that good to her. Given up her lease on her present apartment and everything.

 

Then, in her own words... life started getting better for her professionally in New York, and then she met "someone special"... meaning me.

 

She believes in predestination, and has actually hinted to me that I might be the reason she ever came to New York. Can you see why this is driving me nuts?

 

So anyway. This weekend she is going back to visit the town she moved here from. She has said she wants to feel things out. She's a really intuitive person, and I get what she means.

 

But I'm terrified that she'll feel out some good reason to move back there, and

that'll be it for us. She obviously is crazy about me, and knows how I feel about her.

 

So, if you've been patient enough to read this far. What do you think is going on with her? Is she in love with me, but holding back from letting herself feel it and letting me know it because she's unsure whether she's going to move away soon? Is there anything I can do, not for myself, but for her?

 

Thanks so much, guys... typing this has been a great help, and your wisdom is always deeply appreciated.

[freedom]

GOOD GOD.. i read the post thru!!

TIme to put your hinking cap on.

You have been with her 5 weeks and chemistry is great. good start.

DO you love her??... you dont know becuase you dont know her, that is the reason you are going nuts.

Does she love you??.. She doesnt know.. because she doesnt know you.

What you have here is infactuation, the early stages of luuuvvveeee. Whch is a great start but you re driving yourself stir crazy because she is going from hot to cold and hot again. It is the chase.

My advice is not to look at the hot to cold but to look at the person and find out more about them. Control yourself and the situation.

About her moving, the primary reason you have to remain cool.

[Beec]

To me you are getting very hung up on hearing three words, when all signs point to that fact that, if she does not yet think she "loves" you, she is close to feeling that she does. Her actions are probably speaking loudly. Keep doing it. The woman was all over you and then "describes how she's just been in a daze thinking about me all day." Don't get hung up on the three words, she will get there.

[Batya33]

GOOD GOD.. i read the post thru!!

TIme to put your hinking cap on.

You have been with her 5 weeks and chemistry is great. good start.

DO you love her??... you dont know becuase you dont know her, that is the reason you are going nuts.

Does she love you??.. She doesnt know.. because she doesnt know you.

What you have here is infactuation, the early stages of luuuvvveeee. Whch is a great start but you re driving yourself stir crazy because she is going from hot to cold and hot again. It is the chase.

My advice is not to look at the hot to cold but to look at the person and find out more about them. Control yourself and the situation.

About her moving, the primary reason you have to remain cool.

 

I agree it is infatuation (not spelled infactuation because there is no "fact" in infatuation, lol) and that she should not feel pressured to say it back. I did want to comment on that "one of those busy professionals" - I am one, too but even if I weren't I like to plan in advance and as you know, you have to plan in advance to see most theater.

[valiantv]

This "I love you" thing between the two of you seems so formalised... I mean it's not like asking someone to marry you where they have to give a definite "Yes" or "No".

 

I mean is it that you are feeling insecure or something? It's great that you love her and a pity she doesn't feel "ready" to say her feelings for you have crossed the threshold into love. But it means either one of two things:

1 - you love her more than she loves you or

2 - her threshold for defining the verb "To Love" is higher than yours.

And you really have no way of knowing which it is... Unless you both sit down and mathematically work it out.

 

Also did you say it, just in the hope you would hear it back? If so then IMHO you took the wrong attitude, and were inviting disappointment. You should stop putting pressure on her to formalise her feelings about you, and enjoy the relationship. And don't back track, i.e. don't stop saying you love her just because you are afraid she doesn't feel the same about you...