NC backfired.....pushed him to "her"!

[lizzie]

History: Had a 2.5 year relationship. The last 6 months were rocky and when he first broke up - I was glad. That didn't last long. We've been apart 4 years (yes, 4 years - don't yell at me!) during which time he immediately went to another woman and has been with her ever since. They have a "differen" type of relationship - not much contact. She manages a business he owns. I tried the friends thing and we have been in contact at least weekly since the breakup. We became intimate 1 1/2 years after the break. Yes, I've been living for "crumbs" thus finally decided to go nc about 2 weeks ago. As with most dumpees, I lost my "spirit" in the relationship. I would never have allowed myself to be #2 to a man, but I believed, and continue to believe that we are meant to be.

 

We live very near each other in a very small town. NC is difficult. I started NC by not taking his phone calls and (as expected) he showed up at my house. I told him the reason I was doing NC. He became angry and left. I've not heard from him since. HE was out of town about a week. I passed him on the road once and he waved.

 

Is a couple of weeks long enough for him to miss me? Should I just keep doing NC. I know he is seeing the "gf" more than usual now. Is that a defense mechanism?

 

I really do want him back.

 

As a side note, NC really has helped me. I'm beginning to get my spirit back. I realize now I really turned into a doormat. I've made lots of plans and have been "gone" alot. (I'm sure he has checked up on me)

 

Any advise is appreciated. Any suggestions on how to proceed? Did I "Screw up" and push him to the "gf"? What are my chances of getting him back?

 

We have always been able to communicate. HE says he does not have that with the "gf". She is from the "other side of town" and he stated it can't go anywhere - but 4 years is a long time. He is very closed mouth and no-one really knows what goes on with him.

 

When we were together we were together all of the time - I was close with his family and they thought he had finally found the "right one". They really dislike the current "gf". They do not do much together and he rarely takes her to family funcitons.

[RayKay]

NC is not what would push them together, you not being there is not what pushes them together. The reality is he has not been with you for four years. NC or not, to be honest, I really think that that relationship is over over over.

 

It does not really matter what he has with his current gf, or does not have. It is not your place to assume, or to interfere with it. Whatever it is or is not, they are choosing to stay in it.

 

You have to also separate the reality from the fantasy. Your continuing belief that you are meant to be only is really used to justufy your continued pursuance. I guarantee if you had NOT continued to settle for scraps, you would of moved on a long time ago, and likely met someone whom was right for you, wanted to be with you, and whom you could have a healthy, loving relationship.

 

Four years is a LONG time to waste on someone whom is choosing to be with someone else.

 

NC is really for YOU to start moving forward and get some perspective on this. Not to make him miss you and suddenly return. Because to be honest, the chances are slim after this many years that will happen. He may miss the attention, but he has had a LONG time to make a decision to reconcile with you, and to break up with his other girlfriend and he hasn't. He may tell you it's not the greatest relationship, but he stays with it, instead of being with you.

[blender]

QUOTE: "As a side note, NC really has helped me. I'm beginning to get my spirit back. I realize now I really turned into a doormat. I've made lots of plans and have been "gone" alot. (I'm sure he has checked up on me)" (END QUOTE)

 

You have already discovered what NC is all about, it's about getting your sense of self back, so it had not "backfired"... this guy is not intentionally making an effort to make you a priority in his life, so thereforeeee the most self respecting thing you can do is to maintain "no contact".

 

Him "checking up on you" is about HIS ego, and it is not about "love". Love is when two people make an intentional effort to be exclusive with each other, and are honest, kind, loving, consistent, and respectful.

 

This right now as it stands is simply a "power struggle" and "ego driven" not good enough for you type of passive aggressive behavior on his part.

 

Crumbs is right... as long as you are willing to be in and out of his life without a standard and value for your own heart, well then he will never have to rise the occasion to value and have a standard for your heart either.

 

Be careful about putting any more energy let alone "years" into a bottomless pit.

 

Remember we get the same "lessons" over and over again in life until we CHOOSE to learn from them and do things "differently" with respect for ourselves.. you are repeating the same pattern with him and you will conitnue to see the same result.. more of the uncommitted drama of up and down, mixed signals, and no foundation for real, long lasting, mature, respectful relationship.

 

From now on, start making a list for yourself, of what you value in YOURSELF, and try to "let go" of this "bad habit" that this guy has become, like any habit it's going to be tough to break, but it's a bad for YOU, even if you like it.. (kinda like smoking), it may "seem" comforting to be convincing yourself they you two are "meant to be" but try being in acceptance, that the two of you are "not" right now.. HE is NOT capable of a mature, committed, respectful intentional effort to be exclusive and build a life with you.. so why do you deny the facts here?

 

Do yourself a favor and live in the moment of "truth".. and for right now the truth is, he's not willing to do the "work" involved in a real, mature, love.

 

separate your "feelings" from the "facts". It will help you gain some perspective. right?

[need2bme]

NC is not what would push them together, you not being there is not what pushes them together. The reality is he has not been with you for four years. NC or not, to be honest, I really think that that relationship is over over over.

 

RayKay: You beat me to it.

 

NC very much DID NOT CAUSE THIS! This was happening long ago. I did not realize that about my last serious relationship, but as RayKay pointed out to even me, she had quit us long ago, in her heart.

 

I would say good riddance. The fact that he was able to quickly move on, should prove to you that he was not for you.

 

I know it hurts. Trust me I know. I went through a big breakup with the ex and then a small one with the current whatever she was.

 

My ex stated she had known it wouldn't work from 2 years before. I also know there is way too much water under the bridge for my mind to get straight, if I were ever to get back with her. I need time to come to grips with this.

 

You will need time, as I, to come to grips with him, the relationship, yourself, what you want to change, what you will and will not accept, etc.

[lizzie]

Thanks, You're both right. I've known it, but chose not to accept it. So, by hanging in there and being "friends with benefits" actually hurt any chance of reconciliation? Do you think we can be friends again?

[blender]

"friends with benefits' is the MOST disrespectful thing you can do to yourself, and also the most disrespectful thing he can take advantage of you for.. as long as you are "choosing" to be in this disrespectful scenario, he will never be required to "rise to the occasion" and make a RESPECTFUL effort to make you the priority in his life...

 

What good do you see coming from "friends with benefits?".

 

You are choosing to define yourself like a "car" he can drive when he feels like it, or park it to rust in the rain... but if he needs it again, well heck, he's got the key (just has to show up in your life again) and take it for a spin.. YUK, STOP THIS RIGHT NOW, FOR YOUR OWN SAKE.

 

Learn from this, let go, forgive, and get back to finding yourself and being your own best friend for now.

 

HE IS NOT CAPABLE of giving you what you want, and for now YOU are not treating yourself as someone worthy of what you really want..

 

cry, miss who you "hoped" he could be, but move on from this... RESPECT YOURSELF... or no one else will... you are worthy of a romantic, respectful committed relationship, and it starts with you setting some boundaries, and having respect for your own heart, body and soul..

[lizzie]

blender - The friends with benefits situation is just as you described it - bad on both parts.

 

Do you think there is any chance for us "down the road"? Or has he lost all respect for me?

 

He has commitment issues - I guess I just chalked it up to that...My thinking is that he was using the "gf" (someone that would not be "marriage" material) as a wedge due to a fear of commitment with me. I noticed the relationship start to go downhill about the time there should have been the next step in the commitment progress. He even would start conversations about going to "the next level", but not be able to finnish.

 

I don't understand why he still stays in my life. For example - my dad had surgery and he showed up in the waiting room. He's there for any life crisis and also takes care of me. I live by myself and he just takes it upon himself to do all the tasks I'm not capable of.

 

I don't contact him - he always calls me or just stops over.

 

He has a tough exterior, but his family and I know that he is a marshmallow inside. His mother used to say he was quite the paradox.

 

We never really talked too much about his relationship with the "gf". They have to have contact because of work. I know there have been many occasions that they were "broken up" for some significant periods of time. He never lets me know what is going on with her.

 

It's all very confusing. All of your comments are very helpful.

 

As a footnote, We're not kids, I'm 50 and he's 55. (I know, I just act like a kid!!)

[chai714]

I could have not said it better than RayKay. Everything she said I agree with. Let this fantasy be over and start fresh.

[blender]

Well at your age, if YOU are okay and happy with this situation as it is, then it's a choice you can make.. but you can not "cure" him of "himself". He is who he is, and as far as your question: "has he lost all respect for me?" no, it's not about you, none of this is about you, not for him, it's about HIM. HIS comfort zone, what is okay for HIM.

 

If you feel you are 'losing yourself" in all this, then yes, it's best to move on...

 

Of course there is a "chance" for you to be a couple down the road.. I always believe that, it all depends on what YOU want for YOURSELF. If you are looking to be in a committed, marriage with someone well then you have to answer that for yourself and live accordingly, which would mean, you'd have to lovingly tell this guy something along the lines of:

 

"I know I've been in this relationship as it is for the past few years, but for me, well, I want to be in a committed relationship with someone, and this is just not working, so until you are ready to make the effort with me to make us work as a couple, then I feel it's best that we no longer have contact, so I can move on, I hope you can respect this".

 

Of course this might make him "run" perhaps at first, but if he does ever want a real committed relationship, well he knows where to find you so he can say and live just that. and you setting some boundaries for your own heart, gives him the OPPORTUNITY to rise to the occasion, or not. Until then, you'd have to "let go" of all the "benefits" whether it be "intamcy" or him "fixing things around the house".

 

But who knows, with him "not there" you may learn a bit more about yourself, become more independent, and meet someone who is interested in the same kind of life, love and commitment that you are...

 

Right now you are in a "holding pattern".. OR you are "okay" with the way things are.. it just depends:

 

Can you tell us what "more" you want from him?

What kind of "commitment" are you looking for at this point in your life?

Do you feel fulfilled in your own life?

Is there something you are getting from the "drama" and insecurity of his in and out of your life senario?

 

I know how you're feeling, I'm 45 and just got out of a very similar situation, and it was the toughest thing I've ever done...and it took time for me to be "clear" on what I was "hoping" for versus what I was actually "living". but now I have ME back.. and losing your SELF is never worth it for any man...

 

your situation may be different, but my guy was never going to committ, he was loving, sexy, great at helping take care of my home..but my insecurity and HOPEFULNESS made me so vulnerable and being around him and then not around him, well, it was always making me feel.. not so good about myself, which wasn't HIS issue, it was mine.

[blender]

P.S. you asked "I don't understand why he stays in my life".. well because YOU LET HIM... that's why, what does he have to lose, and what does he have to do to make an effort in "being there when he wants to"..

 

perhaps he does love you and this is the best he can do, and maybe that is okay for you as well...

[NeverMore]

IN all the time you've wasted waiting around for him you could have found somone that really loves you and invested all this time in a real relationship.

[ebsmith1]

Trust me as someone who has been there and done that. Let him go! Do not take his calls, do not let him come see you. If I had not stood up to my ex and refused to be the friend with benefits I wouldn't have a wonderful boyfriend right now who respects me. Don't beat yourself up for what has already been done, but don't let it continue. Four years is enough (too much) time to have spent on him. Don't worry about being friends in the future only worry about yourself. In time you'll realize that no matter what his issues are, you don't want a friend that would treat you the way that he has.

 

My ex broke up with me and immediately started seeing someone else who was less available because of his commitment issues. I refused to be available any more when I realized he wasn't getting rid of this girl and I haven't seen him since. Now I can see what he really was and how much his marriage proposal truly meant. Get out while you can and take care of yourself. In a few months you won't care if you ever see him again! Trust me!

[need2bme]

I know how you're feeling, I'm 45 and just got out of a very similar situation, and it was the toughest thing I've ever done...and it took time for me to be "clear" on what I was "hoping" for versus what I was actually "living". but now I have ME back.. and losing your SELF is never worth it for any man...

 

...or woman, which is what I have done a couple of times. There has to be time when we stand up and just say, ya know what, I don't even know how to respond to that and I think more highly of myself than that so, uh, buh bye!

 

I have been stepped on too many times too and sometimes I started it, but most of the time is was not warranted.

[lizzie]

Thank you all. You have no idea how much you helped me. I went back and read Blender and ebsmith1's threads - I know you both truly understand.

 

I'm sure the commitment issues are his main issue - There is history, now that I look at it objectively.

 

I feel great today - went out with some girlfriends last night and we had a blast - I haven't laughed so hard for so long.

 

I also see now that he is rather depressed and I think that was playing on me too.

 

I'm sure there will always be a special place for him in my heart.

 

I've maintained nc for 3 weeks now and plan to keep it that way. I'm even going to ignore him over the holidays. I'm very close with his family and have even put them on the back burner temporarily so I can heal. I really want to be done with this.

 

You guys have given me the strength to stand strong for myself if (more probably when) he contacts me.

 

Thank you again for all of your help. I wish the best for all of you.

 

If you have any more thoughts or could suggest some reading material, I'd appreciate it.

 

I'm sure I have more tough moments coming - but I feel so much stronger and already feel better about myself.

 

lizzie

[silentalways]

just a quick comment on the 'FWB' concept. i think at some point in our lives everyone sort of 'contemples' whether or not they are 'capable' of just being with someone for sex - and i like everyone pondered that thought and discovered that:

 

1. for me, it would mean that i would be compromising a number of my beliefs and corrupting a whole bunch of my morals and what i believe to be something special.

2. doing FWB would mean that i am using that person, treating them as an object simply for my pleasures - can't do that.

3. it would mean that i value 'sex' over 'initamacy' - can't do that.

4. it would mean that i am devaluing who i am as a person

5. i would not be able be with someone and not become attached

 

some people can be FWB - and while i have never done that, i know i just can't.

[blender]

Lizzie, good for you. Each day you choose to have the self respect to not be in a relationship with him the more empowered you will feel. By making a "choice" that is within your standards/values for your own heart, you will find that you will start to attract the "right" kind of people into your life. I know you will still have some tough moments regarding "him". But stay the self respecting course, and try to separate "feelings" from "facts", this always helps us regain the gift of clarity.

[lizzie]

silentalways,

 

I did not intentionally go into a FWB situation. We went 1 1/2 years as friends - seeing each other at least once a week (now I know this was wrong, because I knew he was seeing the "gf". He didn't rub it in my face, but he was honest with me that the were together. ) Toward the end of the first year he commented that they were still seeing each other but were not "exclusive". OF course I got my hopes up. I tried not to bring up their situation and just be happy. I thought things were coming back together. The first time we had sex, it just happened. Of course I assumed we were headed back together, and said something about the "gf" and he said they were still seeing each other. He recently bought a business and she manages it for him. So I knew they would still have contact. Thus it is very difficult to determine what their sitation really is. I think their relationship is quite rocky - together this week, apart next week - but because of the business they have to remain civil. He really never said too much, which isn't unusual. He is very private with everyone - even his parents, siblings and children don't know what their situation is. So, I'm not trying to make excuses for the SWB thing, I just thought things were progressing back to where we were. My problem was I didn;t clarify this, just assumed - probably was afraid to hear what he might say.

 

I am doing well with no contact now and working on me. I am very independent, as is he and I think down the road, way down the road things could work out. I know he has strong feelings for me. This is the longest we have ever gone with nc. I know I need to set some boundries and that is my first priority. It's hard to describe how much better I feel about myself already. Yes, I miss him like crazy, there is so much attraction. But, I can come above that for me.

 

I do believe if we are ever to get back together I have to completely "move on". It will all be up to him.

[blender]

Yes Lizzie that is right, you need to completely move on, get your sense of self back, and then and ONLY then is there a chance for him to win back your heart.. by intentionally making an effort to be in your life in a respectful loving way. I know you miss him, but if you stayed in this situation you would have lost yourself.. and he would have eventually left when you started to get "more needy".. so NO CONTACT is the most loving thing you can do right now, for yourself, and for him to "discover" any authentic feelings he may have for you..other than "sex"..ugh..

 

You deserve so much more.. no matter how much you miss those moments.. just know you are doing the right thing....

[supernetter]

Initiating NC when u want him back is a No win situation. U will end up hurting yourself more.

 

As always its better to just sit down and talk. No playing of childish games of NC when u dont mean it.

[blender]

NC is NOT a childish game, even if you secretly hope the ex will come back because of no contact, that's okay, in the meantime you are gaining back your sense of self, and putting one foot in front of the other, and going NO CONTACT is the toughest, most mature, best thing to do for yourself and if you hope for any respectful chance at a reconciliation.. it is in no way a childish game.. It's a self respecting win-win choice.

[selfi]

NC is NOT a childish game, even if you secretly hope the ex will come back because of no contact, that's okay, in the meantime you are gaining back your sense of self, and putting one foot in front of the other, and going NO CONTACT is the toughest, most mature, best thing to do for yourself and if you hope for any respectful chance at a reconciliation.. it is in no way a childish game.. It's a self respecting win-win choice.

 

 

Agreed Blender.

[lizzie]

An update... He contacted me on the 31st day of NC. As expected he had some "business" to justify the call. We talked about 20 minutes - nothing about relationship. Then 2 days later I saw him drive past the house a couple of times and he called again. It was right before Christmas and I think he was down and lonely. Since then he either calls or comes over about every other day. I do not take some of the phone calls. There has been no relationship discussion and no ?'s about his girlfriend. I may be wrong, but I sense he is still attracted to me. He even brought me a christmas gift - something very sentimental (and wrapped! - something he never does for anyone!). He seems a little timid - maybe it's confusion.

 

As far as me personally...I'm doing great. I've lost about 10 lbs - have been walking every day and trying to get out more. Getting out is rather difficult as I recently moved, and at this age, it is rather difficult making new (single) friends. I can see the change in my attitude and I've been experimenting with it at work and have had some positive results.

 

I've done a lot of thinking - Blender, you sure make me think with all of those questions in your post. I have come to realize that I to have some commitment issues. I think that may be part of the attraction. As far as the type of relationship I want now. I don't think I want to get married or even live with someone - I've been on my own for 10 years and am very independent. I own my own business - so come and go as I please I do want a committed relationship, but still want to keep my independence.

 

I know you all believe that I should get out of this situation. I really don't think that is what I want. We truly are best friends. I am going to keep it on that level (no sex) and will limit contact. I believe he is still with his girlfriend, however their contact is limited - probably only once or twice a week. HE did take her to his family christmas. I'm not going to bring up their situation at all with him (or our relationship either) I'm just going to try to be a true friend and show him some of the spirit I have got back!

 

Any comments would be appreciated...

[blender]

Lizzie, I still think it's best for you to go "no contact" not only out of respect for yourself, but also for his new relationship, if you do not choose to respect his new relaitonship then why would HE respect you in the long run? More importantly why do you want or feel the need to be involved with him, when he's seeing someone else? Even if you are trying to just be a "friend" now is not the right time, not for your heart, or for your self respect.... I hope you reconsider, and try to move on and away from any contact with him..

 

what about staying in contact with him feels "respectful and right"?

[lizzie]

Blender,

 

I do not initiate any contact with him. I also try to limit my availability when he contacts me. I'm showing him I am stronger, but still a caring individual. I don't understand what his feelings are for his "girlfriend". There cant be much there or he wouldn't be contacting me. Remember, she manages a business that he owns. He is kinda "stuck" with her because of that. They don't see each other much and don;t have anything in common (according to both him and others that know them and their situation) Others say she is just using him for the job, just as he remains with her for the "manager". "there's nothing there" is the general concencious of the situation.

 

I believe it is a little different because of our ages.

[SarahRose]

Blender,

 

I do not initiate any contact with him. I also try to limit my availability when he contacts me. I'm showing him I am stronger, but still a caring individual. I don't understand what his feelings are for his "girlfriend". There cant be much there or he wouldn't be contacting me. Remember, she manages a business that he owns. He is kinda "stuck" with her because of that. They don't see each other much and don;t have anything in common (according to both him and others that know them and their situation) Others say she is just using him for the job, just as he remains with her for the "manager". "there's nothing there" is the general concencious of the situation.

 

I believe it is a little different because of our ages.

 

Likewise, there can't be much there with you as he would be with you and not her.

 

I still think this man is using you. He likes the attention and sex. He knows that it takes very little effort on his part to get back on your good side.

 

I bet if you ever had the chance to talk to his now gf, she would give you a very different story.

 

btw fabulous posts from blender. I'm going to go back and read all your posts.