NC backfired.....pushed him to "her"!

[lmtl]

Blender,

Thank you for posting on this site. I look for and read everything you have to say. You are so wise & insightful. I feel like you are writing to me personally.

 

One post in particular of yours prompted me to turn my situation around, and give the gift on NO CONTACT to myself 18 days ago. I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt, but I agree that it is the only way to get my self-respect back.

 

Thank you so very much!!!!

[blender]

Blender,

 

I do not initiate any contact with him. I also try to limit my availability when he contacts me. I'm showing him I am stronger, but still a caring individual. I don't understand what his feelings are for his "girlfriend". There cant be much there or he wouldn't be contacting me. Remember, she manages a business that he owns. He is kinda "stuck" with her because of that. They don't see each other much and don;t have anything in common (according to both him and others that know them and their situation) Others say she is just using him for the job, just as he remains with her for the "manager". "there's nothing there" is the general concencious of the situation.

 

I believe it is a little different because of our ages.

 

Lizzie, I hope at some point you make a choice to concentrate on what YOU are feeling, and what YOU want in life. Most of your post is about "showing HIM" this or that about you, but in time you will realize it does not matter what HE thinks of you, but more importantly how you feel about YOURSELF.

 

Regardless of what information you gather considering his relationship with tihs other woman, I seriously hope you can see the "lack of respect" he shows his women. It doesn't matter what "her" intentions are, or if "there's nothing there" between them.. What should matter to YOU, well, are your own values/standards. What are those values and standards YOU set for YOUR OWN life?

 

Remember YOU are making a choice to allow a man to be in your life, without any commitment, while at the same time he has another relationship (sincere or not), and you are hoping for HIM to validate YOU, by suddenly understanding you are "strong and caring"?? You ARE those things already...

 

He's not your god, he's just some guy who is not making any intentional loving respectful effort to be in your life, other than the occasional contact.

 

It's important to know that YOU are special, whether he ever realizes it or not, it doesn't matter if he sees that you are "strong and caring". A "strong caring" woman would not tolerate a casual contact relationship (with secret hopes) while having the knowledge that the man is invovled with someone else.

 

For today, take an objective look at who YOU are in this scenario.

 

He's not in a relationship with you, he's knows YOU know that he's involved with someone else (no matter how little that involvement is), He makes no respectful intentional effort to make you a priority in his life, yet YOU are making a choice to stay involved in the "hopes" that HE will realize how wonderful you are? What is so wonderful about this scenario? What is so strong and caring about not respecting yourself enough to set some standards and values for your own heart? But instead choosing to just "be there" sometimes when he calls?

 

What "effort" do you think HE believes he would have to make to win your heart?

 

I'm just being blunt because I respect your heart. I hope that at some point you respect your own heart enough to nurture and care for yourself, and to show YOURSELF that you ARE a "strong and caring" woman, and any man who does not see this, is no longer worthy of your energy.

 

We teach people how to treat us, by the way we treat ourselves.

 

If you are not feeling respected, and cherished by this guy (and most things point to the fact that HE cherishes very little in women), then it might be time to show your "strength and caring" by wishing him luck on his life journey, and that you need to move on, and would appreciate if he respectfully no longer contacted you as long as he is still involved with someone else, and until he wants to make an respectful intentional effort to make YOU a priority in his life, you do not want him to be contacting you.

 

Just be careful, so many times guys like this, well, they actually end up resenting the woman who choose to stay involved with them, because deep in thier own thoughts, they actually do not like themselves, and they think, "when I meet the "right woman" she would never put up with this behavior on my part, but until then, it's nice for my ego to know that some of the gals are "just there".

 

I could be wrong, he might not be that way at all. Again, it no longer matters what HE thinks. Just ask yourself,

 

Do you feel good about your own heart when you are just a once in awhile call to him?

 

Are you aware that no woman has the power to "change" him?

 

Do you respect and admire a man who stays involved with a woman just because he works with her?

 

Do you know that YOU ARE SPECIAL, AND STRONG AND CARING, regardless of whether he can "see" this or not? And that if he doesn't believe it about himself, then he can not really "see" or trust it in others?

 

Do you realize that the precious energy of thought and your heart you are putting into him, can be better put to use for your own self love? And this self respect, and self love, will be the most attractive thing about you? And will attract an emotionally healthy man into your life.

 

I know you "fear" just letting go, but it might be a good idea to write down on paper, what exactly are you "hanging on to".

 

All the time remembering that YOU are worthy of a loyal, committed, respectful, wise, mature, man. A man who is willing to be in your life in a clear intentionally loving respectful way.

 

The woman whom he works with and is invovled with, well is she "less special" than you? Nope, she's a person, regardless of her "intentions" of being with him, he obviously has little regard for that relationship, so it's important to remember if "he'll do this with you, he'll do this to you".

 

I think you will find in the long run, that you are "strong and caring" and that HE isn't. So there's no need to try to prove your worthiness to him, he'd have to recognize it in himself before he could see it in others...

[lizzie]

blender, you're so right on.....Where did you get so smart? When I read your post everything makes perfect sense. You have him "pegged". Can you give me any tips (or books to read) to help me back to loving myself? You are so very right - I don't know why I can't seem to get away from him. I did fine for the whole time we were in no-contact (which I will go back to), but I re-read my post, and noticed that when he contacted me again, I caved..... You're right, I only stroked his ego. I wonder if he is treating the "girlfriend" in the same manner. Probably is.

 

I think this time, I won't say anything at all to him about why I'm in no contact - he already knows from the last time -

 

Your advise and comments have been so helpful.

 

Thank you

[blender]

Lizzie, the good news is, YOU are willing to look at your part in all this, and I just know that at some point you will gain the gift of clarity and realize that HE is in his "life pattern" and you will eventually learn to NOT take anything he does or says "personally".. positive or negative.

 

As far as "no contact" goes, I think you're so right about not making a choice to "declare" it to HIM, just DO IT for yourself, one day at a time, do not respond to his contact at all.... no reason to, he is NO longer worthy of the honor of your voice, words, love, kindness, understanding...or explainations as to "why" you don't want contact, it's first best to just "do no contact" for yourself, it's easier when you make the deal with only yourself, just for YOU.

 

And yes, he is doing the same exact thing to the other girl, the ONLY thing that separates women in his life, are the ones who are wise enough to move on, as opposed to the ones who just "stick around" in one form or another. Either way his "life pattern" is to make little or no effort to improve and strengthen his relationships... why should he? He doesn't really want to "give" more, so he doesn't make an "effort" to have more...and that is about HIM, not about YOU.

 

It's evident, that He lacks the maturity and responsiblity that "real love" respectfully requires. No matter who the girl is, this is who HE is.

 

So one day at a time, starting today, you will not have any contact with him, for each day that you go without any contact put five dollars in a jar, or a dollar, whatever, at the end of a month, or two, or three, go out and buy yourself something, for YOU.

 

Just make a promise to yourself for today, just for today, that you will not have contact with him, then tomorrow, you can try to make the same self respecting promise for your precious heart.

 

It does NOT matter whether he understands it, is aware of it, is okay with it, doesn't like it, or if he keeps calling, it does NOT matter. All that matters is that you are starting to gain some clear perspective on WHO this guy has actually revealed himself to be...

 

and no matter how many "hopes and dreams" YOU have attached to him, he has proven that they are not "real" in him... it's okay to mourn the loss of what you "hoped" he "could" be, and to start being in acceptance of who he ACTUALLY is.

 

so take YOUR 'hopes and dreams" and attach them to YOURSELF, and then you will attract a mature, emotionally healthy, sexy, respectful great guy into your life.

 

But that will not happen until you make the baby steps away from this unhealthy scenario one day at a time, no contact. Please do NOT worry about what HE thinks, or if HE calls, just let go one day at a time, I promise even though you will have doubts and be sad, you will soon feel empowered... and better, and wiser, and all will be wonderful in your life.

 

He does NOT hold the key to your validation, your happiness, he's just some charming, attractive, unattainable guy who is a big baby, who lacks the "quality of character" and the "class" to be good enough for YOU. His actions and choices of behavior are all about HIM, that's not going to change.... so don't be so tempted to join him in his "ego fest"... you are no longer a willing participant in HIS life, you are going to get on with your own life. And wonderful things are going to start to happen for you.

 

You will look back and see him for the "speed bump" he has been on your road in life.

[lizzie]

Again, thank you so much blender.

 

It is uncanny how you have him pegged. I just took the dogs for a walk and really thought about it - he has never had a successful (or normal) relationship. He has been married twice - both failed due to his infidility. His mother recently passed away - we were very special friends. She was concerned about him and described him as her "dark child". He is very controlling (especially with his children), he has a bold/intimidating exterior, but that is just a cover for his low self esteem. After reading what you wrote, it all makes perfect sense in how he is playing his relationships currently. This is strange - but I feel bad for his "girlfriend". Can someone like him every change???

 

I was just about home with the dogs and guess who drives by and stops to talk.....IT was hard. I was pleasant, but really didn;t say much. It still was difficult. I know I will see him tomorrow - as we both go to a traditional get together. I plan to not stay long and to be "shining" in the distance. Then after that I'll be able to control the "run into each others" because I work in another town.

 

How would you handle it when he stops over - which I know he will - especially if I don't answer my phone??

 

I really want to get over this and move on. Again, can you recomment any reading material? You seem so wise, how did you gain so much knowledge about relationships?

 

I will take nc one day at a time - just like you suggested.

 

thanks again