lizzie
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Everything posted by lizzie
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Again, thank you so much blender. It is uncanny how you have him pegged. I just took the dogs for a walk and really thought about it - he has never had a successful (or normal) relationship. He has been married twice - both failed due to his infidility. His mother recently passed away - we were very special friends. She was concerned about him and described him as her "dark child". He is very controlling (especially with his children), he has a bold/intimidating exterior, but that is just a cover for his low self esteem. After reading what you wrote, it all makes perfect sense in how he is playing his relationships currently. This is strange - but I feel bad for his "girlfriend". Can someone like him every change??? I was just about home with the dogs and guess who drives by and stops to talk.....IT was hard. I was pleasant, but really didn;t say much. It still was difficult. I know I will see him tomorrow - as we both go to a traditional get together. I plan to not stay long and to be "shining" in the distance. Then after that I'll be able to control the "run into each others" because I work in another town. How would you handle it when he stops over - which I know he will - especially if I don't answer my phone?? I really want to get over this and move on. Again, can you recomment any reading material? You seem so wise, how did you gain so much knowledge about relationships? I will take nc one day at a time - just like you suggested. thanks again
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blender, you're so right on.....Where did you get so smart? When I read your post everything makes perfect sense. You have him "pegged". Can you give me any tips (or books to read) to help me back to loving myself? You are so very right - I don't know why I can't seem to get away from him. I did fine for the whole time we were in no-contact (which I will go back to), but I re-read my post, and noticed that when he contacted me again, I caved..... You're right, I only stroked his ego. I wonder if he is treating the "girlfriend" in the same manner. Probably is. I think this time, I won't say anything at all to him about why I'm in no contact - he already knows from the last time - Your advise and comments have been so helpful. Thank you
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Blender, I do not initiate any contact with him. I also try to limit my availability when he contacts me. I'm showing him I am stronger, but still a caring individual. I don't understand what his feelings are for his "girlfriend". There cant be much there or he wouldn't be contacting me. Remember, she manages a business that he owns. He is kinda "stuck" with her because of that. They don't see each other much and don;t have anything in common (according to both him and others that know them and their situation) Others say she is just using him for the job, just as he remains with her for the "manager". "there's nothing there" is the general concencious of the situation. I believe it is a little different because of our ages.
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An update... He contacted me on the 31st day of NC. As expected he had some "business" to justify the call. We talked about 20 minutes - nothing about relationship. Then 2 days later I saw him drive past the house a couple of times and he called again. It was right before Christmas and I think he was down and lonely. Since then he either calls or comes over about every other day. I do not take some of the phone calls. There has been no relationship discussion and no ?'s about his girlfriend. I may be wrong, but I sense he is still attracted to me. He even brought me a christmas gift - something very sentimental (and wrapped! - something he never does for anyone!). He seems a little timid - maybe it's confusion. As far as me personally...I'm doing great. I've lost about 10 lbs - have been walking every day and trying to get out more. Getting out is rather difficult as I recently moved, and at this age, it is rather difficult making new (single) friends. I can see the change in my attitude and I've been experimenting with it at work and have had some positive results. I've done a lot of thinking - Blender, you sure make me think with all of those questions in your post. I have come to realize that I to have some commitment issues. I think that may be part of the attraction. As far as the type of relationship I want now. I don't think I want to get married or even live with someone - I've been on my own for 10 years and am very independent. I own my own business - so come and go as I please I do want a committed relationship, but still want to keep my independence. I know you all believe that I should get out of this situation. I really don't think that is what I want. We truly are best friends. I am going to keep it on that level (no sex) and will limit contact. I believe he is still with his girlfriend, however their contact is limited - probably only once or twice a week. HE did take her to his family christmas. I'm not going to bring up their situation at all with him (or our relationship either) I'm just going to try to be a true friend and show him some of the spirit I have got back! Any comments would be appreciated...
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silentalways, I did not intentionally go into a FWB situation. We went 1 1/2 years as friends - seeing each other at least once a week (now I know this was wrong, because I knew he was seeing the "gf". He didn't rub it in my face, but he was honest with me that the were together. ) Toward the end of the first year he commented that they were still seeing each other but were not "exclusive". OF course I got my hopes up. I tried not to bring up their situation and just be happy. I thought things were coming back together. The first time we had sex, it just happened. Of course I assumed we were headed back together, and said something about the "gf" and he said they were still seeing each other. He recently bought a business and she manages it for him. So I knew they would still have contact. Thus it is very difficult to determine what their sitation really is. I think their relationship is quite rocky - together this week, apart next week - but because of the business they have to remain civil. He really never said too much, which isn't unusual. He is very private with everyone - even his parents, siblings and children don't know what their situation is. So, I'm not trying to make excuses for the SWB thing, I just thought things were progressing back to where we were. My problem was I didn;t clarify this, just assumed - probably was afraid to hear what he might say. I am doing well with no contact now and working on me. I am very independent, as is he and I think down the road, way down the road things could work out. I know he has strong feelings for me. This is the longest we have ever gone with nc. I know I need to set some boundries and that is my first priority. It's hard to describe how much better I feel about myself already. Yes, I miss him like crazy, there is so much attraction. But, I can come above that for me. I do believe if we are ever to get back together I have to completely "move on". It will all be up to him.
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Thank you all. You have no idea how much you helped me. I went back and read Blender and ebsmith1's threads - I know you both truly understand. I'm sure the commitment issues are his main issue - There is history, now that I look at it objectively. I feel great today - went out with some girlfriends last night and we had a blast - I haven't laughed so hard for so long. I also see now that he is rather depressed and I think that was playing on me too. I'm sure there will always be a special place for him in my heart. I've maintained nc for 3 weeks now and plan to keep it that way. I'm even going to ignore him over the holidays. I'm very close with his family and have even put them on the back burner temporarily so I can heal. I really want to be done with this. You guys have given me the strength to stand strong for myself if (more probably when) he contacts me. Thank you again for all of your help. I wish the best for all of you. If you have any more thoughts or could suggest some reading material, I'd appreciate it. I'm sure I have more tough moments coming - but I feel so much stronger and already feel better about myself. lizzie
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blender - The friends with benefits situation is just as you described it - bad on both parts. Do you think there is any chance for us "down the road"? Or has he lost all respect for me? He has commitment issues - I guess I just chalked it up to that...My thinking is that he was using the "gf" (someone that would not be "marriage" material) as a wedge due to a fear of commitment with me. I noticed the relationship start to go downhill about the time there should have been the next step in the commitment progress. He even would start conversations about going to "the next level", but not be able to finnish. I don't understand why he still stays in my life. For example - my dad had surgery and he showed up in the waiting room. He's there for any life crisis and also takes care of me. I live by myself and he just takes it upon himself to do all the tasks I'm not capable of. I don't contact him - he always calls me or just stops over. He has a tough exterior, but his family and I know that he is a marshmallow inside. His mother used to say he was quite the paradox. We never really talked too much about his relationship with the "gf". They have to have contact because of work. I know there have been many occasions that they were "broken up" for some significant periods of time. He never lets me know what is going on with her. It's all very confusing. All of your comments are very helpful. As a footnote, We're not kids, I'm 50 and he's 55. (I know, I just act like a kid!!)
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Thanks, You're both right. I've known it, but chose not to accept it. So, by hanging in there and being "friends with benefits" actually hurt any chance of reconciliation? Do you think we can be friends again?
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History: Had a 2.5 year relationship. The last 6 months were rocky and when he first broke up - I was glad. That didn't last long. We've been apart 4 years (yes, 4 years - don't yell at me!) during which time he immediately went to another woman and has been with her ever since. They have a "differen" type of relationship - not much contact. She manages a business he owns. I tried the friends thing and we have been in contact at least weekly since the breakup. We became intimate 1 1/2 years after the break. Yes, I've been living for "crumbs" thus finally decided to go nc about 2 weeks ago. As with most dumpees, I lost my "spirit" in the relationship. I would never have allowed myself to be #2 to a man, but I believed, and continue to believe that we are meant to be. We live very near each other in a very small town. NC is difficult. I started NC by not taking his phone calls and (as expected) he showed up at my house. I told him the reason I was doing NC. He became angry and left. I've not heard from him since. HE was out of town about a week. I passed him on the road once and he waved. Is a couple of weeks long enough for him to miss me? Should I just keep doing NC. I know he is seeing the "gf" more than usual now. Is that a defense mechanism? I really do want him back. As a side note, NC really has helped me. I'm beginning to get my spirit back. I realize now I really turned into a doormat. I've made lots of plans and have been "gone" alot. (I'm sure he has checked up on me) Any advise is appreciated. Any suggestions on how to proceed? Did I "Screw up" and push him to the "gf"? What are my chances of getting him back? We have always been able to communicate. HE says he does not have that with the "gf". She is from the "other side of town" and he stated it can't go anywhere - but 4 years is a long time. He is very closed mouth and no-one really knows what goes on with him. When we were together we were together all of the time - I was close with his family and they thought he had finally found the "right one". They really dislike the current "gf". They do not do much together and he rarely takes her to family funcitons.
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Been there, done that - boy is everyone giving you good advise.
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I'll ditto everything you just posted. My ex's friends and family all think he still cares for me. Some even think he is with the new girl only because he is afraid of commitment with me. I have tried half heartedly to do NC before. He can't stand it and I let him back in too soon with no boundries. That won't happen this time. Our situations sound so much the same. How long were you together and how long have you been separated?
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Interesting post. Yesterday I told my ex to "leave me alone" and am starting no contact. We were together for 2.5 years and have been broken up for 4 years. He immediately went to another girl and is still with her. He says they are in a commited relationship - (key word being SAYS), but it certainly does not appear that way. We have always maintained contact - primarily him contacting me - and have been involved sexually for about the last 3 years. I know this is wrong, but I'm like you. I can't get over him. I know he still has feelings for me, but I had to do something to change the situation and am willing to live with whatever the outcome. HE was very angry when I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore (explaining that it wasn't right being "the other woman") He has illuded to me all along that the relationship was limited and I let myself believe that it wasn't a real realtionship. He did not deny the relationship when I told him I didn't want to see him - in fact, he didn't say anything - you could see the anger on his face and he just left. At first I felt panic, but now feel better about things. (of course, at this point I feel that he will be back to me) I hope I can be strong. I understand where you are coming from. I have/had the same feelings. I'm angry at myself for "wasting" 4 years of my life on this, but have too been unable to get interested in someone else. Your comment about "suck up my pride, stop playing games, and come clean about my feelings with her" is the way to go in my opinion. I have not been playing games, just been very "up" and loving. I feel like this bout of NC is somewhat a game, but I have to do it for my sanity.
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thanks for the replys. Today he called twice, I didn't take the calls and as I predicted he showed up at my house. We chit chatted for about 15 minutes and then he tried to kiss me. I pulled away and told him that I knew he was still seeing Sue and that, although I care very much for him, I care more for me. It was hard to do. I kept it pretty much unemotional and he got a phone call (which he was very short with the innocent caller) and I took that opportunity to walk slowly past him and into another room and proceeded with what I was doing. And he left. He was very angry (it really shows on his face). He didn't deny seeing sue, actually, didn't say anything. The anger was very evident - I didn't expect that and don't know how to read it. I know he was running late for a commitment, so not sure what it all means. It hurt bad at first and I felt really "mean". But, now as I've had a little time to get used to it - I feel pretty good about it. I know I have a lot ahead of me. Thanks for your comments. You're right. The only way to make him change is to do NC. He'll either see the light with me or we're totally done. It sure beats the hell (not every knowing what was going) I've been living for the last 4 years. Any thoughts as to how to proceed now?
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I'm in the same boat as all of you. It's been 4 years. We're friends - but he's involved with someone else too. I too elect to stay home on the weekend. I used to be out and about all the time and have had no desire. When I have forced myself I have anxiety and don't enjoy myself. Silly as it seems, I can't "cheat" on him. Do you think they realize how much they hurt us?
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Me too. It's been 4 years (after a 2 1/2 year relationship). We see each other often, but there is someone else. I just decided yesterday to go NC - I have to take care of me. It's not a healthy situation right now. I know he still cares for me (he tells me), but there is still someone else in the picture. That relationship is odd. I really don't think she cares for him, but she works for him and can't aford to lose her job. We're both older. He's had two failed marriages - I think he's just scared of commitment and keeps her there to keep him away from me. But finally, enough is enough. If it doesn't bring him back - so be it. I'm hoping he'll see what he's missing with me out of the picture - but who knows. It will be very hard doing NC - if I don't answer the phone - he just shows up here. I am not making a point to tell him, but the first time he shows up here - I have a short and sweet "line" all prepared. Good luck to both of you. I have had opportunity to date - but can't seem to get interested in anyone else. I know it is time to move on and not waste any more time.
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I'm in the same situation. Have tried to go nc many times, but when I actually see him - I'm so happy to spend time with him I blow it! Our relationship lasted 3 years - he broke up and immediately became involved with someone he had known all his life (I'm sure they were seeing each other prior to the breakup, but nothing intimate) He has been with her for almost 4 years. It is not a strong relationship - lots of on and off. He initiated contact with me - at least weekly - from the day we broke up. We became intimate (I know, not smart) about 2 years ago. I know he has feelings for me and I think he is using her as a wedge to keep him away from me - commitment issues. I have gone over this many times, and in my heart - still think he is the one. Would no contact be the way to go here? Would you say something to him or just disappear. We live near each other and if I don't answer the phone he just stops over. I have already decided to tell him no more intimacy unless we're "back together". But what do I do about the "friend" part of the relationship. We have an excellent friendship - something he doesn't have with the other girl. HELP
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Done healing...slowly back into each others life
lizzie replied to GreatGuy's topic in Getting Back Together
Have you discussed your ex with your therapist? -
Done healing...slowly back into each others life
lizzie replied to GreatGuy's topic in Getting Back Together
I don't think you should ask if she is seeing someone. Do your paths cross at all? If so, you'll just find out. When she asks who you are doing things with -its her way of finding out if you are with someone or not. I would be a little evasive.....maybe her stomach will do a flip flop and she'll see she has stronger feelings for you than she thought. Sounds like things are working out as they should. I'm glad you're taking time for you too. I thought I was doing it right after the breakup, but it was probably close to a year when I really took myself by the shoulders and shook some sense into my head. Now I'm happy with me and all aspects of my life have improved. Good luck and keep us informed -
Done healing...slowly back into each others life
lizzie replied to GreatGuy's topic in Getting Back Together
I think she is definitely still interested. Keep it friendly and go slow. The hard thing is that the friend phase could last for a long time. However, you can grow in the friend phase too. It's hard not to want to rush things now, but be patient. (And we ALL make mistakes about the rushing it thing. You get a good sign and it makes you so "high" you just want more) I know when I reclaimed myself, as it sounds like she is doing now, it is a high in itself. Let her enjoy the new her also. I think things are going fine for you. Has she seen anyone else? Have you? Keep posting.... -
Done healing...slowly back into each others life
lizzie replied to GreatGuy's topic in Getting Back Together
Detox......I think all three of us are in the same place. I'm happy and busy. I've dated, but no one really did anything for me. I don't close the door and date occasionally, but am content on my own. I have a very full life. My ex and I agree there is something we both have in each other that we get from no-one else. I'm not being stupid about the whole thing - but he is who I want. I just give it time and see where life takes it. You added a second post and quited me........what did you mean by that? -
Done healing...slowly back into each others life
lizzie replied to GreatGuy's topic in Getting Back Together
It is hard not to think about it/her 24/7, but that is what you have to do. I think you're doing great. Of course you're nervous today. It seems in my situation the more I have going the more he is intrigued and keeps closer contact. Mine has many "excuses" to keep in contact and trust me he uses them all. Now if anyone would say to him that he is using these exxcuses to keep in contact he would deny it. Lately I have had the feeling that he has "rediscovered" a new me. I beat myself up and took responsibility for some errors in the relationship and have changed, no I don't like that word...enhanced (that is better) some things in myself. It also has made me a better and happier person. I'm no kid and no dummy (ok, so maybe I'm a little bit of a dummy when it comes to relationships). It's been 2 years and everyone says to just move on, but in my heart I know this is right. I couldn't just totally leave it unless I have exhausted all chances. As long as there is a little light I can still have hope. Don't get me wrong...I don't just sit home and wait for him or dwell on it. I go-go-go. Hang in there. Be yourself, be fun. And let us know how you made out! -
Thank you for your post. As I said in my last post I agree with the others. That was a week ago. He called Tue, Wed, Thur and I did not take any of the calls. On Friday he showed up at my house and I was polite but cool. Made up an excuse that I was late for something and left. I've been keeping myself real busy - I was gone every evening this week. He noticed. Interesting. I'm working real hard at distancing, not only does it seem to drive him crazy...it makes me feel good!
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Done healing...slowly back into each others life
lizzie replied to GreatGuy's topic in Getting Back Together
I'm in the same position. It's been 2 years. Like your situation, he wants to remain a part of my life. We tell people we're best friends, but both know it's more and even had a talk about that at Christmas time. One difference I have is that he is in another relationship and has been since we broke up. She also manages a business he owns. I really can't figure that situation out, but just let it be. Every npw and then it all gets to me, but I'm like you.,.it's the butterfly thing. I've dated and no one else does that. I keep busy and am really enjoying life. Would I like to get back together? Absolutely. But, it's really out of my hands, I just respond to each situation as it happens. I understand where you are and agree with how you're handling it. -
You guys are all soooooo right. Yesterday was a really bad day. I re-read this thread this morning. It made so much sense. I feel really stupid and childish. (I'm not even going to tell you how old we are!) Wish me luck! I've got a lot on my plate this month and it will be the perfect time to put MAJOR distance between us. My past experience is that he comes running when I distance myself then I usually cave in. This time I'm not going to cave! Thanks again for all your help. Any other words of wisdom are appreciated.
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The first time we slept together I thought they were broke up. He did not lie to me for the August to December period. Their relationship changed and it was no longer a "committed relationship". There is a lot of other history and details that it would take too long to explain. Looking at the situation as you did, I would have come to the same conclusion. Regardless of the other info, I'm going to take your advise and try to keep a large distance between us. Mind you, I don't contact him - he always contacts me. I will just not take calls, however, past history proves that when I do this, he shows up at my house. Yes, the info you provided was rather brutal, but I believe you are right. Now the hard part is doing it.
