Question for the cheaters; you know who you are

[ephemeralDreams]

In trying to understand the last devastating year of my life, I need to understand the darkside. My wife of seven years left me for a man 20 years older. In the process she trashed our son's family and 10 years of love and trust between us. I was never told what the problem was, " we just grew apart" was all I got! So why cheat, why lie and sneak around? If you want a new life go get one clean break. I am now mad as hell, because I am hurt, bad! If any of you can shine some light on the cheater logic, please, it would help me understand. Thank you all.

[luvursmile]

Im sorry for what happened with your wife. I think people are just selfish & are not willing to leave the person they are with until they find someone new.

 

Also, Im not condoning her behavior at all, but she probably fell in love with him, or thinks she did. It probably started out as an affair because she felt that you grew apart, like you said, and mabe she ended up falling for the guy (whether its wrong or right). It is wrong, of course in my opinion.

 

Either way, that can be rough, and Im very sorry to hear that happened to you.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Hi ED and Welcome to ENA. I know you're pain all too well.

 

I highly recommend reading: link removed

 

There is so much regarding infidelity to be covered in one post.

[LostInMyThoughts]

It it's any consulation, her relationship will ulimately fail and she'll probably end up unhappy and miserable.

[Beec]

First, welcome to enotalone.

 

As far as your problem, I don't really think I can shed light on this, because you are looking at it the only way I know how. It's not within my power to explain how such a mind works in why it thinks what it does.

 

I do understand that for some women they can fall out of love, and then think that justifies their seeking fulfillment elsewhere. Does not work in my book, and I think you are right to be mad as hell. You were betrayed.

 

I can understand how someone can fall out of love, but as en excuse for cheating, no way. End the relationship first.

[Baby Carrot]

Hi, ED, welcome.

 

I'm sorry for what happened to you

 

I'm no professional cheater, I'm not a cheater at all, but I guess part of the cheating and sneaking around has to do with a combination of shame and cowardness.

 

You get bored, you don't tell, you look for something new, you find it, you feel like a kid in a candy store, you go back for more, thereforeeee you sneak around and lie about it, over and over. Until you get to a point where there's no turning back and just come up with some lame excuse to get rid of the cheated part...

 

It must hurt badly. There are really no quick-fix-instant-oatmeal answers for this...

 

Hope you get over this with more wisdom than sequels.

 

Best of luck.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I'm sorry this happened.

 

Maybe she felt you weren't meeting her needs? It might be that she thinks being with someone else is better for her. It may very well be she was being self centered and didn't really care about you or your son. Any answers here are just speculation, if you really want to know you'll have to ask her. But I think you should spend your energy helping your son, making sure he know you still love him and that it not his fault what ever the reason maybe.

[luvursmile]

It it's any consulation, her relationship will ulimately fail and she'll probably end up unhappy and miserable.

 

I agree! The guy she left you for, obviousely has no morals or respect for the fact that she is married.

[ephemeralDreams]

I spend a lot of time with my son. I have raised him from birth. I was a stay at home dad for 2 years. He know I am hurting, and he dos not understand. He looks to me for support and I give him all I can. If I felt healthy about the whole thing. We both would be better off.

[luvursmile]

How long ago did she leave you?

[kermit]

I am on the other side of the fence. I had an affair after 20 years of marriage. I did not plan it, I did not look for it, I did not hope it would happen. I did not see it coming, and it steamrolled out of control very quickly. I would have told you six months ago that I would never do this.

 

But, I also did not stop it. Had my marriage been better I would have looked to my wife for the support I needed, not another woman. I would have said 'no, we can't do this I'm married'. I wouldn't have returned her calls and emails. I was weak, but I was also ready for something/someone else. I am sorry to say that your wife had probably given up on your marriage, she just hadn't told you.

 

If it's any consolation, I feel awful, I know I am wrong, and I hurt my wife and family. I lost the respect of friends and co-workers that used to hold me in high regard.

 

My wife now has the support of our friends and I am left on the outside alone. In the end you are the winner, maybe not now, but in the end.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I spend a lot of time with my son. I have raised him from birth. I was a stay at home dad for 2 years. He know I am hurting, and he dos not understand. He looks to me for support and I give him all I can. If I felt healthy about the whole thing. We both would be better off.

 

Have you considered going to counseling with your son? I think it could be a huge benefit for you both.

[chai714]

In trying to understand the last devastating year of my life, I need to understand the darkside. My wife of seven years left me for a man 20 years older. In the process she trashed our son's family and 10 years of love and trust between us. I was never told what the problem was, " we just grew apart" was all I got! So why cheat, why lie and sneak around? If you want a new life go get one clean break. I am now mad as hell, because I am hurt, bad! If any of you can shine some light on the cheater logic, please, it would help me understand. Thank you all.

 

Your anger is understandable as anyone in your situation would be. There is no real justification for having cheated - the only logical explanation I can think of is because the person is selfish. What is cheating, but the most selfish act one can commit in a relationship? You may never understand the "whys" concerning her unfaithful behavior but you might also gain inner peace without ever knowing because it really doesn't matter in the end why she did it - it would still hurt the same.

[ephemeralDreams]

She told me she wanted a divorce the day before out 7th Anneversity 13 months ago. I knew she had found some one and knew who it was. I told her she had to make a choice. That took her two hellish months.

[ephemeralDreams]

Thanks Kermit. I know a happly married person would never do that.

[jimthzz]

you need to get busy protecting you and your child.

 

DO what you can to totally minimize how much money you have to pay her for spousal support.

 

Go for custody of your child.

 

Fight for your life!

[snosie]

I have cheated, so I can give you my reasons. I have never cheated in a marriage, and I suppose I hope that when and if I marry I will never cheat.

 

There are a few reasons. Firstly, breaking up or divorcing is a BIG thing, divorcing more so. thereforeeee, it feels to me, sometimes, that I need a reason. If I tell someone I want to move on, I don't want to be with them, I don't think I am treating them right - they adore me and i just lap it up and don't give my fair share in return, then they often don't believe me. They often think things can be worked through. But, in my case, when my mind is made up, that is that. Sad but true. I don't break up without deep reflection, and I don't discuss it with my partner. I don't want to make them who I want, they are their own person, so it is often characteristics of them that I don't feel i can tolerate, that I don't feel I can be loving and kind about, I start to resent them, think thoughts that shouldn't be for the person you are in a relationship with.

 

But another reason is the attention. A relationship gets 'normal'. You become very accustomed to one another. And when someone offers you the attention that you had perhaps at the beginning of your relationship, then you often crave that. You could go to your partner and ask them to revigourate the relationship, but it's like tickling yourself. You want it to happen unprompted. And then you start to decieve yourself about where the line is - is flirting ok, how much flirting, how much communication, where a kiss is really that important, a hug... This is especially blurred when I try to think what would be acceptable with a female friend, and what my partner, or society would say is ok. Sometimes we tell ourself it will stop, there is line, and then it gets blurred.

[cherries]

They often think things can be worked through. But, in my case, when my mind is made up, that is that. Sad but true. I don't break up without deep reflection, and I don't discuss it with my partner. I don't want to make them who I want, they are their own person, so it is often characteristics of them that I don't feel i can tolerate, that I don't feel I can be loving and kind about, I start to resent them, think thoughts that shouldn't be for the person you are in a relationship with.

 

Before anyone shoots you down in flames, I just wanted to say, that is a brave thing to write and it's definitely how my relationship ended. Sometimes it's good to see the other person's point of view in black and white.

[Beec]

Snosie, welcome to enootalone.

 

Sorry you feel this way. I very much hope it changes. Stick around, you may learn something. Your mention of deceiving yourself is right on.

[snosie]

Thank you for your support cherries - no shooting down in flames, but it is what was asked for in the first post. I by no means cheat in all my relationships, only in my first one. But that doesn't mean I don't understand it, and I figured that those is search of healing sometimes just need to hear the truth.

[SadScot]

**Raises hand**

I was a cheater, reformed now, but nonetheless I will always feel bad for the pain I caused.

 

I was one of those who thought they weren't cheating because they weren't actually having sex with someone else, only sharing a bed, or whatever. Obviously I was looking for something my partner couldn't give me. I was with this man for eight years, and I once broached the question of fidelity.

 

He actually said "Well, if it was something you weren't getting from me"

 

!!!!

 

Why was I with him??? I dont know. I obviously needed more and I thought I was being terribly feminist and proactive. However, all I was doing was hurting myself. I was using men in order not to have to look at my own issues.

 

I went through a course of therapy and counselling and realised how much I was used to avoiding all things painful and especially endings. I used other people to "fix" the problems in my relationship instead of working on myself.

 

As for everyone else, I cant speak for them, but its fair to say that if you feel like cheating on someone its a sign that something needs attention in your life, whether its your relationship, yourself or both.

[ephemeralDreams]

I know it must take a lot to tell your story. It is good others can learn from your choices.