SadScot

So I leave for good tomorrow to a new life, new place, no man in my life. Anticipating a rough ride, so everytime I see something or think of something that might distract me/cheer me up, I make a note of it. Here's my plan of action. Basically anything goes as long as you can afford it and it wont hurt anyone or break the law. 1) Buy Desperate Housewives DVD 2) Buy lots of good food to cook 3) See my friends as much as possible (they all have young children so they are always pleased to have adults around) 4)I've joined a silversmithing class with one of my oldest friends which starts in the new year (((yay!))) 5) At least once a week go somewhere posh to eat - even if its just soup! There is nothing like someone waiting on you to take your mind off your woes (hey maybe I'm shallow but it works for me!). 6)At least once a week do something to pamper yourself ie a sauna or a manicure (see above) 7) At least once a week do something fitness related - swimming/yoga/exercise class. 8) Make a date with a friend to see a movie. I want to see "The Holiday" and "Perfume" when it comes out. And I'm definitely up for seeing "Casino royale" on my own if need be! 9)Go for counselling so I have someone non-judgemental to talk to about my issues and depression. 10) Start giving a few hours of my time in volunteer work. It will take me out of myself and give me perspective. 11)I will NOT go anywhere the Ex might be and I will NOT send that friendly "How ya doin?" email. [-X I suppose I'm basically planning to treat myself as well as I can. Its a plan right?

Thanks to both you for really sound advice, Tomorrow the removal van arrives, I will be spending that evening with a female friend, and on Thursday I go into the refuge until I find a place of my own. I guess I have moved on a bit in terms of emotional development because I dont WANT any relationships right now and that feels good. I still feel raw though as I loved this man I am leaving. But, like the sayings go, the first step is the hardest and nothing worth having comes easy..right?

18 months ago I left my BF and went straight to someone else. It was very messy, esp as this new guy wasn't brilliant for me - I went back and forth about three times, really it was about as awful as it gets, and finally chose the second man, who never really trusted me after that and was abusive. Now in a few days I am leaving to go back to my home town (2nd man ended it) and I WANT to be on my own but this is where my first BF lives and this time of year is bringing back some vivid reminders. I feel like I am dealing with not one but two breakups and to top it all I'll be homeless as well. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I feel like I'm going mad. Last night I had horrendous dreams that I was with the first ex and there was fire, meteors, buildings collapsing, peril, you name it. I KNOW it would be a bad idea going anywhere near him - its been a year since I saw him but he emailed me back in August (I didn't reply) and I can tell things are still raw. They are certainly are for me. What I am trying to say is, I am trying to be strong but it is so hard when all I can think about is what I left behind! I dont have any family and feel I lean too hard on my friends as it is. I just want to heal and life a full happy life. I am so scared about going it alone and really need encouragement. All my life I have clung to the familiar even though it hasn't always been good for now. Now I'm stepping into the unknown and its frightening.

Hi Everyone... An update. I saw the flat. I liked it, she liked me, but I couldnt take it as I am on benefits and it interferes with her lease. So I went to the Housing Office and declared myself homeless. I explained about the abuse and have given me priority. Every time I do something pro-active it feels great. Meanwhile HE is being ultra nice, supposedly out of guilt, asking if I need anything etc. I am still living in the house but as you can imagine it is hard. He has realised he needs be alone (but if you read that "loser" checklist that just feels like more abuse, in that he's withdrawn almost completely from me!) He is saying things like "If you wanted to stay here as my lodger that would be okay, but we wouldn't be together" I DONT want to go to a hostel, just the thought of it freaks me out. I alternate between depression and calm, thinking I can soon start my life again, but I know that damage has been done because I want to rage at him for all the lies he told and the hard time he gave me over the abortion. Can you imagine if I had had the baby, how it would be now, facing life as a homeless single parent. I know I am making the choice to stay here while I find a place. I guess I am just looking for a little support, or a wake up call...I dont know. Is it still abuse even though there is no more verbal or physical violence? I have been to my home town twice in the past week, and while there I feel normal, happy, and quite capable of starting my life over again. He is out of the house most of the time anyway and if I can just hang in there I can start my life again. I'm so impatient to do that.

**Raises hand** I was a cheater, reformed now, but nonetheless I will always feel bad for the pain I caused. I was one of those who thought they weren't cheating because they weren't actually having sex with someone else, only sharing a bed, or whatever. Obviously I was looking for something my partner couldn't give me. I was with this man for eight years, and I once broached the question of fidelity. He actually said "Well, if it was something you weren't getting from me" !!!! Why was I with him??? I dont know. I obviously needed more and I thought I was being terribly feminist and proactive. However, all I was doing was hurting myself. I was using men in order not to have to look at my own issues. I went through a course of therapy and counselling and realised how much I was used to avoiding all things painful and especially endings. I used other people to "fix" the problems in my relationship instead of working on myself. As for everyone else, I cant speak for them, but its fair to say that if you feel like cheating on someone its a sign that something needs attention in your life, whether its your relationship, yourself or both.

Hello Everyone, I just want to say, I found a flat to go and see while I am in my home town tomorrow having dental work done (he always hated that I kept my doctor and dentist in my home town, even going so far as to say that the work I was having done was "unnecessary" and that I was "attention seeking"!) So we've had lots of tears from him (and from me, but not at the thought of leaving, but because I feel exhausted and because I am trying to get my head that I am a relationship addict) IF anyone else reading this is a relationship addict, would they mind telling me? I've realised that I need to face up this part of me in order to stay strong. There IS a part of me that would rather stay than go out in the big wide world and I want to be ready to face those feelings. I am sleeping in a separate bed but this morning he got in beside me and said Was I secretly wanting to go back to my home town? I said no, he asked what I really want and I said I would prefer to be going to work every day and be mentally well. He said "With me?" and I said yes (Stupidly) I can tell he is having second thoughts and I am dreading him coming home from work today and trying to backpedal. So I told him "You were the one who ended it. Stop messing with my head" He said he wasnt. Its funny because it was almost as if he was having a lucid moment when he said we should split up. He said he cant deal with me (that would my sleeping in and other such intolerable, unreasonable behaviours) and that he needs to be on his own for a while to find out who he is. ANd so do I. But now I think he's scared at the wheels he's set in motion. I am so angry with him because he hasn't told his 7yr little girl that we have split and he wants me to be all "normal" with her the day after tomorrow. THis is real emotional blackmail in my book. But tomorrow I am going to see this flat. Please send me your positive thoughts.

Hi Everyone, Well, I guess this is the last time I'll be posting in this area of the forum, as last night we agreed to split. I didn't go last time because I just wasn't ready and he begged, cried and pleaded ( I fell for it like an idiot) and now, of course, I am seething because I could have been on the road to healing by now. I am angry because finally HE sees that its the right time for HIM to end the relationship (and yes he did out the "Not you, Its me" cliche.) There has been no more abuse, verbal or physical, but now I have to leave yet another home and I feel exhausted, and at this time of year too! It just feels like abuse of a subtler kind. I dont have any family I can go to and I'm SO ANGRY at myself for not going when I had the chance of somewhere to stay. He is being very "nice" about it, says I can take as long as I want but I want to get on my way as soon as possible. Naturally he still wants to have sex with me (which I refused) because I still have SOME dignity. I told him he cant just dump me and still have sex with me when he feels like it. What a @@'""!!! cheek! I feel angry, miserable and wretched, but the first step has been taken. My stuff is pretty much packed and I have a removal van number. I cant tell you how importnat your comments have been. To hear that I have a relationship addiction is a shock but it makes sense. And I'll be delighted to be gone...I just have to walk through the emotional minfield involved in leaving an abusive relationship, and that terrifies me. I feel like a sad, weak moron for waiting to be dumped but at least I know now it really is over. Okay I am going to phone around and see if I can get a place to stay. Thanks again everyone.

Thanks again, He is at work today, so I went to the local train station to see where it was if I needed to get out in a hurry. I have called the nice lady who takes in lodgers and told her I am coming, and I have begun to tell my friends too, so I cant go back on my word. I cant tell you how helpful it has been to read of your experiences and know that it is NOT me, that I am NOT going crazy, etc. And that other people behave like he does. I wish I could leave and never look back but I need to organise how to get my stuff out of here. I know that's not the best idea but its all I have. I have a long way to go, and I'm terrified. Please help.

Thanks again everyone, Its happened again...We had a very minor incident, just him being moody..we both agreed that this wasnt good enough. I said I want more, not to feel trapped because he doent trust me (I cheated, several times, last year, going back to my ex) but I have more than proved myself despite lots of reasons not to. And going back to my ex was my way of trying to get away from him, and now he is trying to guilt trip me for it! We both cried and he implored me to stay. Like an idiot I did. I own what I did then, but he wont own what he does now, just keeps saying its my fault. Today I got up at 1pm - I guess I was exhausted from doing a lot of work yesterday and sometimes I sleep late because of my depression, but he went balistic and said who did I think I was, and how old did I think I was (ie implying I'M behaving like a teenager!) also went on about me having not opened the bedroom curtains two days in a row. He said "Pack" When I said he sounded like an overreacting harridan, I had my back to him and he hit me accross the back of the head and said "Happy Now?" I dont need the incentive to leave. I need one to stay away and not go through this again.

Thanks for your replies. I am feeling so much stronger today (a lot of that is due to your support) I suppose I am in what seems to be called "evaluation mode". I spent a long time reading about what constitutes a "loser" ie abusive boyfriend and also some eye-opening things about why people stay in abusive relationships. On link removed I discovered the theory of "cognitive dissonance" and "Small Kindness Perception". I too found myself saying "Hey! He could have gotten all annoyed when I did such-and-such but he didn't! What a great guy! Maybe we'll work out after all" Of course now I realise I deserve not to even have to think about that. I've realised I DO have all the power from analysing my own behaviours and realising that he can be so sad and paranoid. To the point of no logic. When he came back last night all was calm and we didn't talk about it. This morning he woke me up at 8am to ask who I had talked to about "us" Well I hadn't, so, perfectly calmly I asked him what he meant. He showed me a text on my phone. I'd written it to myself basically saying "Does he think you are just going to put up with continually being threatened with homelessness? You need to feel safe. If he thinks none of this is his fault he is in major denial." I know he looks at my phone and I wondered what he would do when he found it. I was testing the theory that "losers" have no notion of responsibility. He said who did I speak to. I said "Look at the number, Its me." (with a silent "You ****head") He asked what it meant. I said "Isn't it obvious?" but of course it wasn't. I didn't get mad/upset so there was no escalation. I got the feeling he was more scared than scary. He had to go out so he said "We have to talk about this later " which was a step up from the usual "I think you better leave" and "This isn't working is it?" I do feel detached. I am NOT interested in sharing anything or engaging emotionally. Nor do I care anymore about his "issues" We all have issues and we all have choices about how we let them influence our lives. Its his choice about whether he wants to continue being like this. Before he thought I had nowhere to go so he could give his abusive behaviour free rein. Now he knows I have taken action to protect myself (not that I would put it like that to him) I want to know what he does. I'm actively thinking, not allowing myself to slip into complacency like I used to. Its good to know there is a place to go if I decide to leave.

Midori I really feel for you, its incredible that we want to stay with someone abusive just because they are capable of being sweet and loving SOME of the time. I speak from experience. Its true that you have done nothing wrong and none of this is your fault. One of the most upsetting things is when we spend time trying to figure out why someone would do that to us. There is no answer except that they did and they have, and we are much too valuable to endure it a second longer. It is also a sad fact that instead of running away at the first sign of trouble (ie verbal abuse) we think that because we love this person, because we have a powerful connection with them, then that somehow means we can disregard the bad behaviour. We get an apology, that shows they care, and then everything is okay. Except it isn't. These things are never a one-off. Enough about him. He has already done you an unforgiveable amount of damage because you are scared even when he isnt there. That's not right. Time to think about yourself and the bright future you have with him out of your life. Stay away. Read about other experiences (it helped me) . Talk to people. Do anything to support the idea that you are doing the right thing, because you are. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

Thanks everyone, i wish I could say that I am well out of it but I'm not. I feel stupid and weak and my strength is failing me at the moment. His behaviour aside, I have been coming off my old depression medication in order to try a new one and it makes even more edgy and depressed. Here is what has been happening. He worked out that if he doesnt eat every two hours his mood plummets and he gets irrational. Things have been okay for quite a while now, no major incidents, except for the last time I was in Edinburgh, when he was really nasty to me over the phone. I bumped into the woman I know who takes in lodgers and she said if I was still looking for a place it woudl probably be okay. I kept this in mind and about three weeks or so, after him being unbearable again, I called her. She said she would call me back when she knew dates and so on. Mostly I regard the situation as bearable, just him being grumpy and me trying not to take much notice, just making sure he eats which I think now is a mistake as it makes ME responsible for his mealtimes because I cant stand his moods! Yesterday too much time went by without him eating and he asked why did I keep mentioning this guy, did I fancy him or what. I knew instantly what was happening and tried to stay calm but he was up and ranting. I was upset and crying but I figured if I just did what I usually did he would come back and apologise. We are supposed to be moving houses so are living in a sea of boxes which doesnt help my state of mind. I was upstairs when he came up with my phone and says "Who's (name of woman who takes in lodgers)" I told him and he got really nasty. Asking me why I lied (ie omitted to tell him I met her) i said how long did he expect me to go on being continually threatened with homelessness and that it was HIS FAULT. He threw a plastic bottle at me which hit me on the leg and has left a purple bruise. I threw it back at him. He pushed me back on the bed and I bumped my head on the wall. It isthe first time in months he has laid a finger on me. I said he could save his breath calling me all the things he normally calls me, b~~~h, w+++e, I was going. I dont want ot be the one staying in an abusive relationship. Its why I haven't posted...I wanted to believe everything was okay. He was going out and said "Do you have anything more to say" I said no. He went out and when he came back in later I didn't say a word. neither did he. TOday he had to go out early. He is doing that behaviour where he withdraws and gets ready for being left. I cant stand it. He has all the power and he knows it. I feel crazy and stupid saying this but if he asked me to stay I would. yet teh other part of me feels that she has the RIGHT to feel safe and there shouldn't have to be this constant feeling of watching what I say and do. In my present state going back into the world again as a single, mentally ill woman is unbelievably frightening, yet the longer I stay with him the more he will think it okay to treat me like this, finding stupid justification for his behaviour. And I know I will find it even harder to leave. PLEASE HELP ME STAY STRONG. I FEAR FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH IF I STAY, if I could leave right now I would but all my stuff is here and this woman says her house isnt available till the 20th November. Why the hell do I feel like this? I always swore I would never stay with someone abusive. Its incredible the excuses we make for appalling behaviour in the name of "love". Thank you for reading this.

Thanks for all your comments and support everyone. After that latest one, the next few days were amazing but I still was on my guard. There have been a few episodes where he could have lost the rag but didn't, however I didn't alow that to detract from any other dodgy behaviour (controlling etc). After he came back from the counsellor he drew up a contract promising not to hit me again, or chuck my stuff. He has so far kept this agreement. His condition, however, was that I dont lie to him about anything. And I haven't except that he has been creating situations where he asks me things about my past (ie men) and then accuses me of lying about it! It doesn't matter how much I protest that this was WAY before him and has nothing to do with him, he keeps on with his rants, mostly comprising phrases like "Can you explain yourself?" and "Tell me why you lied? Just tell me why" Just last night everything was going fine (but doesn't it always?) he had been to the counsellor and said that he was able to let go and trust me now, that none of the past mattered, that we were going to be amazing. God he is so believable when he does this! I was relaxed enough to say I was replying to my friend who said she was going to see a play by an ex of mine. I said I might see her when I was next in Edinburgh. He gave me a look that made my stomach hit the floor, shook his head and said "You're unbelievable". When I asked what he meant he said that I'd manipulated him into "letting" me go to Edinburgh on my own and now I couldn't wait to see my friends, even though I was supposed to be getting straight back on a train (I'd said this when we were discussing it, thrilled at the progress we were supposedly making) He said "Are you ashamed of me, is that it?" I was very hormonal and was very very upset, crying my eyes out with him standing over me saying "can you tell me why?" Eventually he left me alone. I feel betrayed, confused and violated. I dont trust anything he says anymore. I called a domestic violence helpline for support, just a friendly voice to get me through the dark hours. This morning he had the cheek to say that he couldnt stand the melodrama and I shouldn't behave like that. I didn't say anything but you can imagine how I was feeling I have been thinking a lot about my life. About the choices I have made. How my mum died when I was seventeen and how my dad was useless and told me to move out shortly after. I spent the next 18 years seeking love and security in father figures instead of looking out for number one and getting myself a house. What is worst is the illusion of progress, with the talking and what feels like genuine communication and affection, and then Mr Hyde appears and I feel undermined, miserable and nothing is real anymore. He does make me feel crazy. I have been throwing out loads of stuff and am now going to phone for advice (as he is out) When I leave I want the transition to be on my terms so I am not tempted to go back. Thanks for reading this everyone.

Oh you are all so right! Last night he came home early and I was on this site. I tried to get out of it but not fast enough. He thought I was messaging my ex (as if) and all hell broke loose. He hit me not once but twice accross the face, shoved me, threw things at me. I said I was going. He tore my room apart and started shoving everything into plastic bags. I stayed strong and said I wasn't scared of him and he said the usual, did I want him to REALLY punch me, kill me etc. There were the usual verbal abuse rants but that stuff just washes off me now. It was 11.30 at night and he was trying to throw me out with all my stuff. When I said I would go he wouldn't unlock the door. A cycle began of stay/go. I was rational and he wasn't. I realised he would say anything. The stuff he was coming out with was unbelievable, contradicting himself, till I realised there was no point in discussing it. I was exhausted from trying to protect myself and my possessions while he insisted he was sorry and he hoped I would stay. You know, the usual emotional blackmail. I was so tired I said I would so he went to bed while I sat among a pile of bin bags and cried and cried. I have realised I was just kidding myself. That although I am strong this will break me if it goes on for much longer. That this relationship is worthless and I deserve to live my life as I choose. You know where he is this morning? Counselling. I want to laugh hysterically. I called a nice couple I know who used to take in lodgers but they dont anymore. I need a place to stay. I wanted it to be in Edinburgh but I think thats out of reach right now ( I am in the north east). I am going to try and find all the contact numbers for shelters for women. Storage for my stuff and so on. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP. I REALLY NEED IT. As of this morning my eyes are well and truly open. Yesterday I loved him, today I realise its all just a big self-delusion and whatever I thought I was clever in doing, you ladies have been there and done it first. I will try my damndest. I deserve a life lived safely and on my own terms.

Hi everyone, Thanks for your your comments. I was truly shocked by your replies, they make me realise how deep I am in it with this man. It wont be easy to leave because I am not in my home town and I have no home as such to go to. But I have been taking steps. I have money put away and a bag permanently packed. I have also accepted that if I am going to leave, I have to take a stand so that I am not tempted to go back. So I have started challenging him when he gets out of line. I have got past the point of fear, so what is there to lose? The last time he ranted at me I said "What are you achieving by this? You are a sad, sick person. Do you want to be happy? I do. Its really simple, either you move on and we move on, or you dont and we wont." He backed down. I know this wont change anything in him, but it makes me feel just that little bit stronger Yesterday he asked me for the rings back (rings we bought each other, chucked at me YET AGAIN in an argument) . We were going on a day trip and I guess he wanted to look the part. When I said no he said "Right thats it I'm not going." It was an hour before our train. I got mad, stormed upstairs and put his ring down on the. He asked me to put it on his finger. I said "What?" He said "Dont you think its symbolic?" I said very coldly, "Dont talk to me about symbolic when you chuck the F***ing rings at me every five minutes. Now put the damn ring on." He said "Its symbolic because it means a lot to me" I said "Dont make me laugh". Again he backed down, said he was sorry, asked if we could just have a nice day. I said fine. There was another incident when his temper threatened to flare up again. Again I went cold and fearless. Again he apologised. I have called him a scared little boy, and sick in the head. I have told him he neednt bother with his c**p because I am not scared of him anymore. I can see him for what he is and have made sure that no matter how much he protests to the contrary we both know he has a choice to behave like this. Each time, previous to the above, he has tried anything abusive (verbal abuse, threatening to break my stuff, ordering me out of the house) I have replied by saying "That's abusive" or "Oh, doing that again? How original" I wouldn't recommend sarcasm at all, but it works, or is so far. You will be asking why I bother. Well I was like him once. Controlling, suspicious, destructive. I was unhappy and my partner then was no saint but I shouldnt have been with him. He wasn't abusive, just thoughtless and weary of my behaviour. So I know how my partner feels. I did after all lie to him while I was trying to leave my ex. And it is no justification for abuse in any way. All I can say is I am more explicit about boundaries and what will and wont be tolerated now than ever before. I know none of it is my fault and I'm not so scared to leave any more, whereas it was unthinkable before. Thank you all for your advice. I still have hope. I am not so naive as to think I can change him but I want to make him understand that if he has trust issues he better work them out somewhere else, or we are over. I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he knows he would regret it if I left.

I so feel for you. I am in an abusive relationship myself which is reaching crunch point. What he is doing meets the classic criteria of abuse. Abuse makes us feel crushed and worthless. It is NOT your fault and it is NOT right the way he is treating you. You deserve a healthy loving respectful relationship. I am demanding that my partner seek help which he has agreed to. I love him but life is too short to be constantly driven to fear, pain, and crazy-making behaviour. Look at this link if you can link removed Good Luck!

I am in an abusive relationship. I have been with the man for a year. When we met I was with someone else and it took time for me to leave, but I did it. I made the break in January. The man I am with now has problems and he left me after rows, one time (the first time) a week after I had moved into his house. he was adamant it was over despite my pleas and told me to go. I had nowhere else to go and went back to my ex. Now, nearly a year later he still hasn't been able to move on. I had an abortion last year (his child) because I couldn't bear bringing a child up with such an unpredictable man. He cant forgive me for that either. I got pregnant before evidence of his abusive, controlling personality came to light because I was head over heels and because I met his three fantastic kids. I am 36 and never been pregnant before I had my problems too but I got counselling for them. I made the decision to move on with my life and not keep going back to my ex, but he cant. He has called me a Removed by moderator>, a slag and worse. He has been physically abusive three times. He is so angry. It is like Jekyll and Hyde. He can be so sweet. So loving. ](*,) He has admitted his behaviour is abusive and has actively tried to seek help. I know his background intimately. His first wife was abusive, unfaithful, denying him sex, hitting him with household objects, tormenting him when he was trying to sleep, not allowing him access to their son. That was over twenty years ago. He married a few years later but the marriage didn't work out. His ex wife was extremely moody and used to threaten to stab him with knives. He also has livid scars on his arm from where she raked her nails on it. She affirmed this herself. I know none of this excuses his behaviour. I know I should probably leave. I have already told him that I cant fix him, that he has to make the choice to move on, to forgive me or let me go. I love him and I want to help him but I cant be treated like this for much longer. he constantly accuses me of texting my ex and wont let me go anywhere on my own without causing a row. He says I am not trustworthy, whereas I know I am. I trust him completely with other women. He is at a wedding today so I went for a walk. It felt wonderful. I know this is not normal. Anyone else been in the situation? I would really appreciate your help.](*,)

I am so wretched right now. I left my boyfriend because I was unhappy and went with someone else, then that ended and I got back with my boyfiriend. But all the issues are still there except now I feel I am staying with him because I have nothing else. I have no job and no money and being with him helps keep me occupied and my mind off my situation ie that I feel totally and utterly alone and useless. I am getting over an abortion and my emotions are all over the place. I have not spent a night at my own place for nearly a month. I know I am doing the wrong thing by staying and I feel I am using him. Its worse because since I cheated I worry he will do the same and feel very insecure. He says I just have to trust him. As you can imagine my self-esteem is at rock bottom. If I had a job I would feel so much better about myself and stop focussing on him so much, IfI felt I had more than nothing I could start to build my life back up agian but how do I do this????

Possibles for the goodies would be "I Hate You So Much Right Now" by Kelis, 'I'm Outta Love" by Anastacia and of course "I will survive" The one I DONT want to Hear is "Run" by Snow Patrol...

Hi again, Before you do anything get your feelings down on paper. Write a letter to this man, outlining how you feel and what you would like to happen. This may help you clarify what you really want ie is it this man you want, or just to move on, or even just to stop thinking about it! Then write a letter to yourself as if you were your own best friend wanting to help. It sounds cheesy but you might surprise yourself! If after this you are determined to find out and you feel you cant move on until you do, you need to do something to get you past that. But ask yourself if you are ready for this potentially very painful step,and what you might do/ how you might react if he does/doesn't have a new girlfriend. You COULD call him (and have a good friend to hold your hand while you do so, I wouldn't do it alone) You could write, or text to tell him how you feel and hope he will respond. However, IMHO, I also think this may be about trying to escape the pain you are feeling over what is a break-up and if you are to have any hope of moving on you have to feel it and deal with it. Bear in mind that what you are feeling is effetively grief and is completely normal. Again, good luck

IMHO You have got used to a pattern of break-up and reconciliation and the fact that this person isn't getting in touch is making you feel like you've lost a limb. believe me I empathise with the feeling of being "scared to death" of rejection or finding they have met someone else but you are in limbo and you need to get out of it once and for all. You are the most important person in your life and you are making this person more important than you. Do you have friends you can rely on? Mine were invaluable when I was going through a similar situation. Talk stuff through with them Do you want to get back with him? You seem to acknowledge that you made each other unhappy,can you maybe focus on this and ask yourself if the pain is really worth it? I hope this is useful. Good luck.

NC is very important for seeing things objectively,esp where a manipulative/abusive ex is concerned. They say that abusive relationships are harder to move on from and I feel NC is especially valuable. My feeling is,so what if they miss you? You need to think about yourself first. You are not being manipulative, you are protecting yourself. I was in a bad place when I left my boyfriend and took up with an abusive partner. It didn't seem that way at first but I think on some level I felt this was the sort of relationship I deserved. I was punishing myself. I am now back with my boyfriend having finally instigated a policy of NC with the abusive man that helps me move on. I realise now I always loved my boyfriend but some part of me felt I wasn't worth it. Now I think I deserve a chance at happiness and hope we can work it out. My point is that I had to overcome the feeling that I was "meant" to be with the abusive man, and NC helped me overcome that. I would say it is the most valuable tool for moving on and healing, but it is hard. If at first you dont succeed, try again and dont beat yourself up

Thanks ocrob, ratherbesailing and Jayman, All that you say is true. I do have a dependence on men. I am aware I have a problem and it is why I am in therapy. Part of my problems stem from my Mum's death when I was 17,my dad married again and disowned me a couple of years later because I wasn't the person he wanted me to be ie married and pregnant by age 20. This was incredibly hard. I avoided drink and drugs and never got into any kind of trouble, so what did he have to complain about??? I used men as family substitutes and because I did not want to be alone. My father was emotionally distant and I craved love and affection. At the same time I wanted to take care of everyone else's needs before attending to my own. (co-dependent?) While my mum was ill I learned to be a good girl and bury my needs and wants so as not to rock the boat. I am only really recognising this now. Believe me, no one is harder on me than I am. It IS shocking that I kept going back to K and refused to see how abusive the relationship was. I fight the urge every day to get in touch, but its a battle I will win. Even a few days on from my last post I feel his hold on me loosening. I was so crazy for love and affection that I interpreted this high-beam, intense and ultimately destructive relationship as quite normal. When I think of how it progressed - the marriage proposal within three days, the cohabiting in six weeks, the moods, the distance, the refusal to accept responsibility for his behaviour, I realise how damaged I was to ignore my instincts,which were there but buried under all the justification - that I deserved to be loved, that this was a whirlwind romance, how wonderful it was that he shared his thoughts and encouraged me to do the same. Before I left R for K I used R as a scapegoat for everyone who had ever hurt me and refused to see him as a person. he was more of a possession and I exhibited some horrendous controlling behaviour. But now I want to give this relationship with R a chance because this whole experience has made me face up to things and changed me. I look at the person he is, not what he can do for me. Therapy is working for me now whereas before I was just in denial about everything. I couldn't access any sort of grief or anger. I can look at this objectively and see that its probably not the best course of action, but I want to be with R. We are taking things slowly. We live in separate houses now but one day if it is possible I would like to settle down with him. When I said he was indifferent I didn't really mean it, I was comparing him to K who wore his heart on his sleeve. At first this was wonderful but K took it to extremes. He was scarcely even able to let me close the bathroom door when I went to the toilet! I am learning to take care of my own needs and know that I can only have a good relationship with R if I have a good relationship with myself. He does treat me right and I do love him. Time will tell if we work it out. It is hard but whatever happens I am going forward now.

Thanks Jayman, I hope for this too, I just really do feel worthless and despairing right now. I think I will be spending Christmas and New Year on my own and that is painful too. I dont want to infect anyone with my depression. In the meantime just hearing that you have moved on from circumstances helps. Thank you.

****APOLOGIES FORTHE LENGTH OFTHIS!***** Six months ago I was in an unhappy relationship with R which I had been in for four years. I had been depressed for a while and was also undergoing therapy and felt dissatisfied with life and full of grief for all the things that had happened - my mum dying when I was seventeen, my dad getting married again and disowning me, an eight year relationship coming to an end and breaking my heart and subsequently walking straight into another relationship with R. I first met K at the funeral of my dear friend who had killed herself the previous month (another blow) and there was a spark between us so we corresponded via email before agreeing to meet up again. There was an instant attraction between us - all the cliches came true. However I refused to just follow my heart - I quizzed him thoroughly to find out what kind of person he was and was candid about myself too. He was perfect and three days later I left my boyfriend and began looking for a place to stay as I needed my own space. Kevin and I had a mutual friend who had just moved and had a spare room. It was perfect. I could spend time by myself and explore this lovely relationship. It was so different from my last relationship. Kevin was so open and we were so compatible - intellectually emotionally and sexually. I had never had felt so loving and so loved. Very quickly we began talking about our future and how we would live together, get married and have children. He had been separated from his wife for two years but still stayed in the family home as it was large enough to allow he and his wife their own space to come and go. This was not a problem and it wasn't long before I came down South and met his family and got on absolutely fine with them. It was proof of what a good husband he had been and what a good father he would be to the child I hoped we would have together. At the end of August, a couple of months into the relationship he found a small flat for us to stay in and I was able to move down. I didn't a have a job but was hopeful I could get one. Almost immediately after moving in the cracks began to show. He was bad-tempered and could be surly and very cold in his manner, a world away from the lovely affectionate Bear I loved, though he was never physically violent. However, he responded well when challenged and we always worked it out, which to me was always further proof that this was meant to be. He was a writer and suffered from mild depressions so I didn't take his behaviour personally. I loved him so much and wanted it to work. I was absolutely confident that he loved me and I truested him as well, something I usually found very hard, esp in my previous relationship When it was good it was fantastic. Our sex life was wonderful and we would talk for hours, drive, go places and write together. A week after moving we had a mild disagreement and he got up in the middle of the night and said he was going for a drive. I was chilled by the tone in his voice and begged him not to go. He replied coldly that if I let him go now he might come back, and if I persisted he would go for good. So Iet him go, but lay awake feeling flayed - that's the only word I can use to describe it. He was only gone an hour but it upset me so much I refused to speak to him when he returned. He didn't like this at all and threatened to pack his things and go. I persisted and he carried out his threat. I didn't think he meant it however, but when I called him a few hours later he said I had to go, that it was over between us and I should decide whether I was going to stay on the flat and if so I would have to take over the lease. Otherwise, he wanted me out. I was stunned. I was in a strange town, with no job and very little money. I didn't even know where the nearest bus stop was, and the man I loved had turned into a cold, distant stranger. I tried not to let fear overcome me, reminding myself that he was prone to these depressive episodes, and called and texted him, trying to reason with him. He just kept saying it was over, that i was "relentless" and that what he was doing was "self-protection". Nothing I said was getting through to him and he would not come and see me. He wasn't even being particularly nasty, just adamanat that he couldn't do this any more. I looked around the place that only the previous evening had been a haven of love and felt only panic and terror at being abandoned to this nightmare. I had to go back to Edinburgh so did the only thing I could thinkof to do in my utterly lost and nightmarish state - I called my ex and asked him to pick me up. I was sketchy about the detaisl and he didn't know I had met someone else. He agreed and I packed what little I could and fled in a taxi to the train station. It retrospect it was crazy to contact my ex but I was out of my mind. I felt completely wiped out and that I truly had nothing and going back seemed preferable to facing life on my own. Besides I knew he still loved me. My friends had seen me so happy - I couldn't bear for them to see me in such despair otherwise I would have calle dthem instead.. R met me at the station and drove me back and we talked. I was economical with the truth but confessed I had met someone else. I said I hoped we could make a go of it and he agreed. I was desperate to sleep with him to prove he still wanted me and we did. I think I was very nearly out of my mind. I was convinced it was over with K though so was determined to look ahead. In the meantime I met with K's friend - my former flatmate. I had called him to say I was leaving and he advised me to hang on but I was adamant that K meant every word. K got in touch a couple of days later to ask if we could try again. I couldn't believe it. Why couldn't he have said this at the time. Suddenly I was back in the nightmare. What was I going to do? I told K he needed help and that I wouldn't even think about coming back until he had secured some. he was full of remorse and even forgave me for going back to R. Three days after I had first arrived, I told R I was going back. It was horrendous. He was distraught and threw things at me and shouted at me for two hours before finally leaving for work. K arrived later that morning and we went back down South. For a while things were good but it was clear I wasn't happy down South and we mutually agreed that I should move back to Edinburgh, K would try to find work up there and we would make a go of it. R had sent me an email which proved that although I had hurt him he still cared about me and so I began texting him, realising that I would need a friend and pleased to keep the communiaction open. I found a place to stay for a couple of week still I could move in to my flat. This was fine until the morning he was driving me back up. He fell out with me over the most ridiculous thing and the drive back up was spent in chilling silence. When I told him he was breaking the speed limit he told me to * * * * off and that he was doing it to get rid of me quicker. I was shaking and feeling very vulnerable. Once we got to the destination he dumped my belongings in the stair and said "Goodbye" and left without a backward glance. I was exhausted but knew K's pattern by now - a day or two of silence followed by apology and manipulation. And sure enough this is what happened. Two days later I fund out I was pregnant. Six weeks ago this would have been fantastic news, now I just felt despair. I was starting a job in a call centre with an uncertain future ahead of me. I felt I couldn't trust K and all the love and security I had experienced had all crumbled away to nothing. A second pregnancy test confirmed my worst fears. I had no idea what to do. My first thought was abortion. I would finish with K but not tell him as I knew he would be against it. However a friend persuaded me otherwise . I called him and he came up that night. It was wonderful to see him and make love but afterwards he confirmed that if I had a termination he couldn't stay with me. I felt manipulated by this and squashed between a rock and a hard place. I had already told R I was pregnant and knew that he would stay with me if I had a termination but could not bring up another man's child. I looked at my options. I hated feeling like I had to choose between them,like I couldn't bring up the child myself but I couldn't bear the thought of doing it alone even though part of me knew I could. I booked a termination then changed my mind. I felt under enormous pressure esp from K who used all the emotive weapons at his disposal. Eventually I tried to block it all out and ask myself what did I want? It was hard because about three weeks into the preganancy I began to suffer morning sickness which worsened daily. However I decided to keep the baby but was unable to tell R as the thought of him withdrawing made me feel sick. I knew him so well. I also was not sure of K and although I told him I was keeping the baby a week later he had another episode and with the same cold words and behaviour, walked out despite my entreaties. This time I was beyond despair. I was pregnant for god's sake! How dare he! I began to feel anger for the first time and when the apologetic texts began along with the pleas to be allowed to come back. I vented a good deal of rage on him. However, although it looks odd I still loved him and understood he had problems. After all so did I and we had worked through and been through a lot together. His behaviour had always been completely out of step with the man I knew and loved and I always tried to look at the situation objectively and not be a victim. However it wasn't the last time and by now, with the time to decide whether I could really trust him to provide a safe environment fast running out I decided I couldn't. The thought of going through pregnancy feeling more vulnerable by the day as well as more ill was more than I could bear. As it had before, his presense was beginning to irritate me -a manifestation of how little I felt able to trust him and he picke dup on this and we talked it out and agreed it was better to part. I made sure he knew I couldn't keep the baby. He left later that day and it was awful. I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing and sent him a couple of text messages saying I didn't want to end it if it could be saved. As far as I knew he was diving back down South. He replied 'We said Goodbye. Dont make this any harder" which pretty much summed it up for me. So once again I turned to R. This was by now the 5th November. We met up and went for a drink and talked about a future together. It was lovely and for the first time I felt able to relax. He dropped me off at the flat at 12.10.K called but I ignored him. He asked where I had been. I texted I had been out. Next morning he called asking again where I had been. He said he had waited in my street till two. I said I had been with R. he called me a * * * * *. I told him nothing had happened but felt furious at having to appease him when we had effectively split up.We talked over the next few days. I still (incredibly) loved him but felt at this stage that my head was completely toasted. I needed to keep him at arms length. He pestered me constantly, pleading with me to come to Paris at the end of the year "to say goodbye". It was a trip he'd booked for us earlier. I refused. Then he kept asking to come up. He said he would wait five years for me to get my head together but wanted to meet one last time. He offered to meet in the hotel we had gone to in the beginning, all those months ago. I relented and he came to meet me on the 13th. It was still lovely to see him and all the old feelings came back, though I was adamant that we needed to be apart. We drove to Cramond as there was still some time before check-in. We walked on the beach. He was alternatively morose and loving but I had faith we could make this a sweet final meeting. On the way to the hotel we were involved in a collision with another car. The impact was severe but the seatbelts and airbags saved us. We both got out of teh car but the car was a write off. I had no injuries to speak of but I couldn't stop shaking. K and the other driver exchanged details and the emergency services were called and we gave statements and then the police drove us to the hotel. K had asked if he could film us making love. He said it would be something to remmeber me by. I suppose I was in shock because that is what we did. Later we bickered - the shock was wearing off and the emotional intensity of the situation was getting to us. Later stillI couldn't sleep because of K's snoring and checked the time on my phone which I'd hidden in case R called. Unfortuntely my phone beeped and when K asked and I told him I was checking the time he said "You're such a liar" This was about 4.30am and I was beyond exhausted. I just wanted it to be over. I found out I lost a shoe and in frustration threw my bag accross the room. He said he'd written off a 22,000 car. and retaliated by throwing a padded envelope right at me which hit me in the small of the back. I couldn't believe things had gotten so bad. He said I had thrown something first but I hadn't thrown it at him! I was so, so tired, so distraught and my ribs were by now really beginning to hurt. We got out of the hotel the next morning and went to my flat where we sat for a while and tried to make sense of the situation but I just wanted to be alone. After all I had gone through I was a mess and I needed my comfort zone in R. After K left, distraught and pleading "dont let this be goodbye" I just sat for a while.I had already taken time off work because of morning sickness and was still shaking from the accident. However my work sacked me for taking too much time off which didn't help and made me feel like I was now dependent on R. Later that week I had my first consulation for the termination. It was Thursday and my ribs were very sore, but I was sure I was doing the right thing. K texted trying to get me to reconsider but I ignored it. I was now spending most of my time at his as I felt too ill to stay in my chilly flat which by now I couldn't afford to heat. I had the termination a week later and although I recovered physically I feel so, so fragile. The next week R got me a couple of days at his work which eased my financial insecurity but did nothing to ease the feeling that I was now dependent on him and back into the frying pan. My friend who owned the flat suggested that I get a flatmate. reluctantly I agreed. I had spoken to Kevin again and in place of texting we were writing again. However I was worried about his state of mind so called him. He was sad but was finally able to admit that it was he who had first been the cause of our initial problems. I was cheered by this and thought maybe, just maybe, when enough time had passed there was hope for us. However, on Friday I told him I was getting a flatmate. His reaction was unexpected and devastating. He said "You wont live with me but you'll live with a stranger. How could you do this to me? I loved you. Goodbye." By this time I didn't have the strength to argue. When he tried to call back I wouldn't answer, so he sent me a text message calling me a selfish worthless * * * * * and saying that he was deleting me from his phone and his memory. Part of me welcomed it, the other part mourns and grieves. R is almost back to his old indifferent self and i just wonder where I went wrong. Was it so long so just want to find love and security? So I sit here with no job, no money and nothing but a insecure relationship which I am doing my best not to rely on, and I have less than I did six months ago. Everything reminds me of K, who is gone for good this time and I must let him go. I long to let R go but I truly cannot right now and this devastates me most of all. If someone were to stand in front of me with a loaded gun I would welcome it. Please help if you can. I have had just about all I can take. I am feeling the grief for what feels like all my past losses at once. I think I am going mad. Thank you