Children of Cheating Parents

[erinn]

1. Which parent cheated? My Father

2. What happened to your parents' marriage? They Divorced

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? I was too young, so nothing. My mom tells me I had a hard time dealing with my father not being at home. running to the front door whenever someone came over yelling 'Daddy'.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? No, too young.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? Never have. It took away from my childhood experience. I never had a complete family, was never close to my father, and he only has himself to blame for it.

6. Have/would you ever had an affair? I have never cheated on a SO before. When I am committed, I am 110%.

[Mythical_Suicide]

1. Which parent cheated?

My dad cheated early on in their marriage, My mom cheated later in their marriage.

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

It fell apart, my mom left my dad when I was 17.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

I was hurt, torn and just completely confused about the whole situation.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

Yes, I knew about nearly all of my moms affairs. She used to take me with her to meet guys. It destroyed me!! I told my father of course about most of them.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

I never "forgave" them but I didn't hold a grudge over it either.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

Never!

[hiphop3]

1. Which parent cheated?

My mom

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

My dad has a lot of personal issues and began drinking and became a full blown alcoholic - and he was verbally abusive and super mean when drunk. He refused to quit or get any help. When my mom wanted to be social with friends he would never go out with her, so she got a life of her own.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

I thought it was really sad that my parents marriage had come to this but my dad single-handedly ruined it. I don't really blame my mom for developing feelings for some one else. She had done her time with my dad and any one could see the marriage was ending. I'm pretty sure she was only emotionally cheating on my dad, and I can't blame her. My dad pushed her away.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

Yeah I knew a long time before my dad did. My dad didn't really know until she left him (about a week later after they separated my dads employees saw my mom with this man), but still there's no actual evidence she was seeing this man while she was with my dad. I didn't do or say any thing to my dad. It was between my mom and my dad. But I did yell at my mom once to stop talking sh*t about leaving my dad and to actually follow through. A few weeks later she did.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

I don't think I ever really held it against her.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

I haven't and I really hope I don't.

[D_Lish]

I have some questions for those whose parents have cheated:

 

1. Which parent cheated?

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

 

1. Dad

 

2. Well my mum thought 'what is good for the goose, is good for the gander'....so on discovering my dads affair, she went out and had an affair herself. When my dad discovered it, he hit the roof and then offered to ditch his mistress, if my mum ditched her new man. But my mum preferred the new guy.....so that spelled the end of the marriage!

 

3. I was around 10, don't recall having any feelings on it.....my dad was hardly ever hardly home anyway due to having his own business and working a lot...so he wernt that big of a miss when they split. LOL

 

4. Nope.

 

5. Course I forgave. End of the day, they are still my parents, are human, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes...I love my dad and mum and think nothing less of them.

 

6. No I have not had an affair and would never have an affair.

 

So kids of cheating parents, don't always turn out the same....

[allyfally]

hi i was wondering if you could give me some advice on what to do because my mom is cheating on my dad with this * * * * * * * loser. what do i do??? my dad doesn't know. but i think my 2 out of 3 brothers know. i've known this since about august 2007. it's really frustrating to me that i'm wasting all this time. well first of all this affair my mom has with this man is on yahoo messenger. in one of her drawers in her office space there's a dildo wrapped in a towel. this makes me want to barf. she also has a prepaid phone so she can text and call this person without my dad noticing. she also says this man is her cousin which is obviously not true. i could write a whole book about this but the last thing is that i've only told one of my best friends about a year ago idk if she still remembers but we dont hang out much anymore!!! please help!!!! thanks!!! -ally

[tigger12]

allyfally, I have been in an extremely similar situation-- my mom cheating, knew for years, the phone, Yahoo mail and messanger, the guy(s) were losers, lying. (My dad eventually found out however.) My decision was to not say anything to her until many, many years later after my parents divorced. I am not sure if that was the right thing to do.

 

What I can definitely tell you to do: talk to someone about it! (ENA can be one place to do this.) That may even help you decide what if anything I should do. I kept it all inside, and it was extremely hurtful. It really destroyed the way I looked at my mom and our relationship, and it made ME feel like a secretive, closed person when it was really her that was that way.

 

Can you talk to your brothers? How old are you? You said you talked to a friend a long time ago but it may benefit you to talk to a school counselor or social worker (if you are still in school), a trusted relative, or another friend you can trust. That way you can talk it out and get some advice about your mom.

 

Some questions, if you want to talk it out here a bit: Are you considering talking to your mom or dad about this? What do you think would happen in either case? Do you think your dad has any idea? Are there any other problems in the family right now or does he think everything is okay?

 

Please PM me or write back here if you want; I would really like to help if I can in any way.

[tigger12]

Also, it seems like you are pretty sure, but just wanted to check-- are you certain about the affair (not just suspicions)?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

1. Which parent cheated?

Dad

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

Nothing. It just sucks like it always did.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

I was confused, (8 years old) but mostly stressed because my mother needed me as a shoulder to cry on. Hard stuff.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

My dad hit on the woman (a coworker) at softball games they played and made sure I played with her daughter all the time. He would randomly leave at 1 in the morning. I just knew, even that young.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

No. I can't. He's a terrible person for many reasons.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

I casually dated two men at once and it was AWFUL. I felt terrible. I could never cheat.

[valley.girl]

1. Which parent cheated?

My mom

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

My dad does still not know. They are still married.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

Its still happinig and i feel guilty, ashamed, shocked and very dissapointed.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

yes i know about it now and my dad doesnt know.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

im not sure ill forgive but wont forget

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

no

[guard_girl]

1. Which parent cheated? father

2. What happened to your parents' marriage? i don't know yet

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? i'm scared about the future and don't know what to do

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? Yes. And i found out today, so i'm trying to figureout what to do...

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? no. and idk if i'll be able to let alone want to

6. Have/would you ever had an affair? NEVER! that is one of the worst things you can do to a person. I would not even think of doing it.

[COtuner]

1. Which parent cheated? Father. Several times. Sorta wonder if mother did too, but no proof.

2. What happened to your parents' marriage? Divorce at 28 years approx. Mom wanted it a lot sooner.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? The affairs never bothered me at all, I really did not spend much time with either of my parents and knew very little about their lives really. I stayed in my room or outside playing or in school.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? No. Didn't really realize it until my mom hired a PI shortly before divorce proceedings and was obsessed with my father locking himself in the bedroom on the phone for hours at a time. I told my mom I didn't care and not to bother me with any of it.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? Didn't matter much to me, but I never got along with my father anyway, and my mom was hard to live with

6. Have/would you ever had an affair? If I was in a relationship, no I would not have an affair. I would end the relationship if I had that urge. I'll admit that I've been attracted to married men in the past but have never acted on it.

[greywolf]

1. Which parent cheated?

Dad

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

They divorced. Thank God. It was about time.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

I've never been very attached to my parents so it wasn't a big deal to me. Mostly annoyance at how such a childish and selfish adult was actually supposed to be my parent.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

I don't remember. I think my mom knew already.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

There's nothing to forgive. I wasn't wronged.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

Never.

[abouttime]

1. Which parent cheated?

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

 

1. Mom

2. Divorced when I was five.

3. Yeah, my brother and I used to get up b4 my mom, knock on her door and drop to the floor, and watch as my jerk step father (who I hate) ran to the closet.

4. Yes. Ended up in court. Nasty situation.

5. Yes. But I don't consider anything she says of importance.

6. Yes, I thought that's what guys did. I was wrong.

[itried]

1. Which parent cheated?

 

---Step father

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

 

---They are still together. Though they are obviously miserable.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

 

---I always had suspicions because he would always be out of the house (4 days on, 4 days off. Perfect schedule for a cheater). My mom would say that he likes to go for drives. I was like: Yeah, sure.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

 

---Me and my brother had suspicions because we would wonder what he was doing and where. 4 days off is a lot of free time. He was ALWAYS out of the house "going for drives". Our city isn't that big or interesting so what could he possibly be doing?

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

 

---Absolutely not. He's not my dad. F--k him.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

 

Never. I would never want to be like him and wind up like them.

[tvmt_010409]

]1. Which parent cheated? Father

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage? My mother passed away earlier this year. But the woman my dad was with moved in 2 and half months after my mother's death!

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? I was in total denial. I have moved out of the house for grad school and I'm starting to put the pieces together. For months, my father would work Friday night and come home Saturday morning(He has a second part time job, where it looked reasonable to be out at night). But it was consistently on the weekends. I would ask my mother where he was going or when he would come back and often(instead of saying work), she would say, "I don't know"

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? I think my mother knew. My younger sister had suspicions too.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? Sometimes, sometimes not

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair? No, just be honest and get out of the relationship. I'm guessing people who do not do it for 'the marriage and the kids'. Give me a break!

 

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I'm came on the forum trying to find if anybody has been in a similiar situation as me and basically to blow off steam. My mother passed away from metastisized breast cancer in January. Two months later, my dad announces to me and my siblings that he is dating somebody. How do you 'date' somebody after your wife of almost 30 years passes away? Honestly, I've been trying to give my dad the benefit of the doubt - such as "perhaps maybe this friend has been helping him through the mourning period." Then in March, he tells us that she's moving in! Supposedly they knew each other since they were in high school but just recently found each other.

 

And I hate this woman. She changed everything in my house. All of my mother's pictures and things are now in storage. Once, she went up to me, to insist that I'm her 'friend' and that if my dad hadn't been with my mother, he would have been with her and me and my sibilings wouldn't exisit! It doesn't even feel like my home any more. I am so glad I'm away from them.

 

I've been in denial while living there, I think it help me wake up each morning and realize that instead of my mom sleeping next to my dad, it was his mistress. For a long time, my parents had a very happy marriage. They would have their own date nights and every summer we would go on vacation as kids. My mother being diagnosed with cancer really took a toll on my father. He would drive her often to the hospital and tended to her. She was diagnosed with cancer 13 years ago and she had reoccurance 6 years ago, and this last time, it was too much. Although I understand that he was under a lot of stress and perhaps being with this new woman 'released' his stress. He probably thought my mother didn't know.

 

But my mother isn't dumb. A week after my mother died my aunt and I found a word document on the computer titled "My last words". In it, she wrote a poem expressing how angry and sad she was with my father. One of the lines written translated to "I know I don't compare to your childhood friend." Finding this and seeing my father moved in his 'friend' so quickly really just points out clearly that he cheated on her. We deleted it from the computer, thinking my mother was venting at the time.

 

Now I'm in school and 3,000 miles away from the situation, but I am still struggling to accept it. I used to really love and respect my father. It's hard to respect him, when he clearly lies in my face about this. He tells me that he did not need my permission to move her in and keeps up bringing up the fact that I did things without his permission - when I was in my undergrad! I wasn't bringing boyfriends into the house and insisiting that they stay with me! He compares that, even though he is a 53 year old man and I'm 25 years old! I am so glad I'm away from them. This woman really pushes it in my face that my dad's her boyfriend. She's disgusting. My mom was clearly a classier woman than this *****.

 

I'v been having reoccuring nightmares in the past two months where I really yell at this woman for being so disrespectful to me and my mother! I've honestly have not yelled at this woman- I've been out of their hairs, and I think that's enough! I can hear this woman complain to my father that I don't like her. Argh, if I write any more about her, I'll start swearing and yelling.

[MoTay]

1. Which parent cheated?

my mother

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

nothing yet, my father doesn't know.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

I'm absolutely devastated.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

yeah. my dad doesn't have a clue to my knowledge. i haven't said anything to either of them yet. i dont know what to do!

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

its too early to tell.

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

i'm only 17.

 

I've got a 16 year old daughter. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

I don't have any specific advice, but I think it might make you feel better if you were to talk with a counselor or priest or someone about this. This is a terrible burden for someone your age to be carrying around.

 

Good luck to you.

[shadoedestruct]

1. Which parent cheated?

my mother

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

I don't know if my step father was aware or not.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

As if my mother betrayed everything she taught me not to be or do. Alone- though i'm an adult, for once in my life i had a complete family with my step dad, mother, his kids and myself. It had a good 15 year run though.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? I don't know. My step dad has not returned my call. He probably thinks I was in the know about everything.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

I love my mother DEARLY!!!! I dont know what I feel except ashamed and grossed out. It does not help that she's lied to me as well. It does not help that my real dad cheated and left us when i was a kid either, or that i may have been cheated on myselft, though i never proved that last one.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

Absolutely not. I believe that if i don't feel a connection with a person anymore it's better to break their heart by separating, before you decide to ENTERTAIN someone else. I would not want anyone to hang on to my while they are wooing and godknowswhat with someone else. But i guess that's just me.

[SamiJayne]

1. Which parent cheated?

My Mother

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

She carried on using him for several months, encouraging us children to lie to our step father about it. Until I told him one day about what she'd been doing. I was about 12. He carried on paying her to see us, and they got devorsed

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

I hated her. I thought she was dirty for doing something like that. With a guy she met at her own wedding as well...

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

Yes. I lied for her, for several months until I gave up and told my step dad.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

Nope, I still think shes a user and all those horrible names you call people that cheat.

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

Nope. And Never will. If your unhappy, try to fix it. If it can't be fixed Leave... Why hurt anyone?

[MD Geist]

1. Which parent cheated?

My Father.

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

it ended in a bad divorce shortly after I was born.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

I honestly wanted to kill him for what he's done and his action putting us through many difficult years of almost losing the house, mom catching cancer and me not having a good qualitly of life and having to "man up on my own" is not exceptable.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

I wasn't even alive when this began.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

No and I never will forgive him for what he's done.

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

No. Because I'm not my dad, I'm not his father either. Both of those assholes where abusive jerks to their wives and I don't plan on fallowing in their footsteps.

[yeawutever]

Wow that's some anger you have. But well deserved. I bet he didn't even care about you afterwards nor care about amending what he's done...

[Harper314]

1. Which parent cheated?

 

Da

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

 

They got divorced

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

 

Not what were because I was ignorant to the affair. My feelings now are somewhat mixed. I told myself I'd never want to do what my Da did. However I find more of home with him then my lamenting mother who still do this day holds a grudge over him and affects her character, even as much caring as she is. Unfortunately I've swept this under the rug because I can't and do not want to deal with it

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

 

Never knew. My sisters at a young age understood before I did. Back then I was sort of oblivious to these things and still am

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

 

Never really talked about it and if I did then I cannot remember

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

 

No. And never will. Unless maybe it was for revenge against someone else for doing it to me then I'd be ok

[Mauxly]

This is a great thread that I think all folks who are cheating or considering cheating should read.

If you have kids, and you think for a moment that it is OK to cheat (or cheat with someone who has kids) I'd like you to stop and think about the lifelong damage you are going to do to those innocent people. Is that moment of lust worth it?

[mcqueen002]

1. Which parent cheated?

dad

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

they are still together but the issue seems to find its way into conversations because he didn't admit things until the beginning of this year. & they are constantly arguing. there is rarely a moment of peace between to two.its weird because it goes from playful banter and progresses to a full blown argument.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

i was disgusted and hurt by what he did. i'm still dealing with it because its in the back of my mind & if i allow my mind to drift i begin to remember everything

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

we confronted him because we saw obvious changes in his behavior. he began doing things like staying out late listening to music he would never listen to. he told us we were working ourselves up over nothing & that he wasn't doing anything wrong.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

im working on that as well. i ask myself whether or not i have truly forgiven him. i don't want to carry that kind of weight around with me any longer so i try my best to forgive for ME.its hard to forget what hes done because he is so stubborn and not one to apologize. we had to basically tell him to apologize to our mother.he can be so rude alot of the time when addressing my mother.

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

i would hope that i would not be driven to do something like this. i can say that if i had cheated i would want forgiveness. it doesn't make cheating any less wrong but every situation is different. some people can move on after things like this but for others the trust is never there again.in my father's case, if he had simply humbled himself it would have made it easier for us to move on but he refused to do that.

[Mauxly]

1. Which parent cheated?

 

My dad

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

 

They got divorced, the woman he cheated with became my stepmom.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

 

I was 5. I just remember my life being completely turned over. Much sadness and confusion. I missed him so much, but he spent more time with his new family. My mom was pretty sick about it and told me that he didn't care about us anymore, which is so very wrong. I felt totally abandoned and unloved by him.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

 

I was definitely too young to understand anything about this. I have emotional memories, not intelectual ones.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

 

I've forgiven him, and understand why he had to leave my mother. She was pretty unbearable and admits now that ultimately she drove him away. However, I wonder if the split would have been better for us children if he had left before he found another woman. I love my dad dearly and we have a great relationship. However, now new resentments have arisen from this because he taught me at an early age that "Men Leave. No matter what promises they make or what they say, they LEAVE." And this has caused a lot of problems in my adult relationships. I never expect men to stay, so I don't fully give myself to them or trust them. I'm now in thearapy over it.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

 

God no! And I can honestly say that I never will. I do not put myself in situations where I'd be tempted.

[Yarbles]

1. Which parent cheated?

Dad

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

On the verge of divorce...

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

It's in the midst of happenning, but I'm old enough to understand it. I'm neutral about it.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

Mom and I had hunches so we were on the same page the whole time.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

This to me is probably the most interesting question. My parents definitely married for the wrong reasons. Lets say my siblings and I are not a product of love. Haha. But the problems in the marriage was not a one day thing. The problems built up over many many years.

 

I understand both sides.

 

My mom is sad and upset because she thought she would be spending the rest of her life with the man she loved. Now she is alone, and now I must pick up the slack of taking care of her and giving her everything she needs. It's the worst feeling in the world to feel alone. I understand that, and where she is coming from.

 

My dad on the other hand. He is selfish, and gets bored very easily. He's always looking for new adventures. Although this is a good trait it is also his fatal flaw (think Shakespeare). Everyone in the world is looking for love, and he is no exception. He married my mom for the wrong reasons and there was nothing there to begin with. But I understand his position. I guess I always saw it coming.

 

To know all is to forgive all. My dad is probably more wrong here but my mom is not completely free of fault. Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone is acting on their natural instincts and sometimes it's the nature of human beings to do these things.

 

While I still stay true to the fact that cheating is bad. It really makes me question the concept of monogamy and whether it is a natural thing.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

Probably not.