Children of Cheating Parents

[Rogue55]

1. Which parent cheated?

father

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

He tried to leave, and my mom b*tched at him

"you ain't going anywhere! you're going to stay right here & help me raise these three kids!"

(they did divorce three years later)

 

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

I was a little kid - about 6 years old

I just hated to hear them fighting all the time.

once I woke up because of their arguing & went into the kitchen

and asked them to "shut up!" so I could get some sleep.

my dad picked me up & put me on his lap and asked me

"If your mother and I split up, which one of us would you rather live with?" (what kind of damn question is that to ask a child?!?!?!?!)

I said I wanted to live with my gramps (grandfather)

because I was afraid if I said "mommy" then daddy would be mad

and if I said "daddy" then mommy would be mad

so I chose gramps instead.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? No - like I said, I was a little kid.

 

What did you do?

Nothing - again, little kid.

 

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

as I got older of course I heard both parents' versions

and as I got to know both of my parents

I understood more and more

Yes, I forgive my father for cheating.

and I forgive my mother for "pushing him" to it

 

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

I don't think so but "never say never".

situations are different for everyone,

and sometimes people surprise

even themselves

[Unreasonable]

1. Which parent cheated?

 

My dad.

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

 

They are still together, however we moved to Alaska after mom found out. It was for a job offer, but I think it was more than that, and I think it helped reconcile them. The woman still tried calling but my mom reamed her ass out.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

 

I thought it was pretty terrible. The other woman was my mom's "best friend," and the other woman's husband was my dad's best friend.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

 

Not really. I was very young, but looking back at it I did see signs.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

 

Yeah. My mom did eventually so I don't see why not. If they had end up getting a divorce that may have been a different story. Then again, my dad's kind of a jerk so maybe it would have been for the better.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

 

Absolutely not. In fact, I believe that incident has prevented me from having an affair. After seen my mom's pain I would never want to put another human being through that. Even if I was upset with my wife.

 

If will say this has had an effect on me. I am very reticent about having a really close friendship with other couples (hang out together all the time). So, in a way it has made my marriage not as social as perhaps it should be.

[Nadie808]

1.) Which parent cheated? My mom

 

2.) What happened to your parents' marriage? They were affection, and they would never communicate

 

3.) What were you feelings on what was happening? Well one day my mom, sis, bro, and I went to a park in Boston, and there was this guy (the guy that my mom was going out with at the time but I didn't know that), but his kid got scratched, and his father Brian said to my mom "Hey do you have a band aid?" (but it was said with flirtation, and like he knew her for a while), but ever since that day I had a feeling my mom would always say every night I'm going to yoga (that was a cover-up but not a good one), and she once said I'm going on a vacation with my friends (which was really a vacation with that sleazball), I would always see a red tomato car and see my mom bringing her pillows/everything to his house to sleep there every night.

 

4.) Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? Yes, I found out the 2 year of the relationship, I found out about the affair on November 13th, 2009, I logged onto my computer and there was this google e-mail account up and it said "I love you", my heart dropped, I felt phychic. It would have been my parents' 16th anniversary on December 24th (Christmas Eve), my Dad found out the same way a month later before Christmas.

 

5.) Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER FORGIVE MY PARENT, EVERYONE HAS BEEN CHEATED ON, ON MY DAD'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY, I will never forgive her.

 

6.) Stupid ASS question to ask NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[velvette]

1. Which parent cheated?

dad

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

still married! but mom also has a 'side-dish' so it's effectively an open relationship.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

upset at being lied to for so long, and confused (he didn't tell me until I was 18, and by that point he had two other kids with the other woman. and I always thought I was an only child!). mostly upset.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

nope. they stood united and hid the affair from me together. my dad told my mom as soon as he got the other woman pregnant.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

yes... because my mom obviously has.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

no. it isn't worth it, and I love my SO too much to hurt him (as my dad hurt my mom).

[simplelittleme]

1. Which parent cheated? My mom.

2. What happened to your parents' marriage? My dad still doesn't know. I don't know how to tell him, I don't want to break his heart.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? I felt betrayed. I felt as if she was cheating on me and not my dad. I never stopped crying, and nobody knew why. They even tried bringing me to a therapist.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? Nobody else in my family knows about it, because I'm afraid of what my mom might do to me if I tell anybody.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? Absolutely not.

6. Have/would you ever had an affair? No. It's tearing me into pieces, and I can't even imagine what it'd do to my dad. I have a heart you know.

[MattW]

Believe it or not, I'm currently going through the torture of knowing one of my parents is cheating on the other...

 

1. Which parent cheated?

 

My mom is cheating on my dad.

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

 

Nothing, yet. And I don't know if it will. My mom is 60, and my dad is 50, and neither of them would be particularly well off in divorce. Neither really have friends or other family they could turn to.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

 

I'm absolutely horrified. My mom and I have been so close my whole life, and I never in a million years expected her to do something so horrible. It makes me question whether everything I knew about her was even true. I'm starting to wonder what other dirty little secrets she has. I don't even understand it. My dad may not be the brightest guy, or the most fun guy, but he's a good guy. I could maybe understand if he was abusive, or something like that, but he isn't. To make matters worse, the guy my mom's cheating with is older than my dad, and very overweight. I just don't see what my mom sees in this other guy...

 

The scariest part, though, is that I'm starting to give up on a lot of the ideals I had in relationships, because of this. As it is, I've never even been on a date with a girl, let alone in a relationship. But I've always envisioned myself dating, and finding a nice girl to settle down with. Now, I don't even know if I want that, anymore. For nearly all of my life, my mom has been the one person who I've felt I could trust not to hurt me, and then this happens... I just don't think I'll ever be able to trust a girl. How can I? I'm starting to believe that dating, relationships, marriage, even sex, is all for nothing.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

 

I found out last September, after some snooping. Last year, my mom jumped on the Facebook bandwagon, and got super addicted. She started talking about this one guy she and her brothers were friends with when they were kids; keep in mind, this guy also has a wife, and three kids about my age. In September, she told me and my dad how this guy started asking her to second naked pictures of herself to him. This annoyed my dad a bit, and I thought it seemed odd. So, I started snooping. I know, it was wrong, but I was shocked by what I found. Not only was she lying about what this guy had said, but it was her who was pushing really hard to have an affair. This other guy didn't seem so receptive, for a while. I kept snooping on my mom's Facebook and e-mail (she's not tech-savvy enough to know how to properly delete things permanently...), and things seemed to be cooling down between them, so I was a bit relieved.

 

Then she started getting phone calls while my dad was at work (I was home because I either didn't have work or classes those days), and she started fleeing to the basement so I wouldn't hear her talking. I questioned her about this odd behavior (not wanting to divulge everything I knew yet), and it started a HUGE fight between us about how I'm always "spying" on her, and trying to "control" her. I occasionally tried to listen in, though I've only heard bits and pieces; it's very clear, though, that she's talking to this guy.

 

She seemingly talks to this guy at least once or twice a day on the phone, while my dad is at work during the day, and the conversations are often pretty long. After my dad gets home, she spends most of the day on her laptop, presumably writing to and chatting with this guy online. A couple of days ago, in the morning, when I was getting ready for work, I was in the bathroom, near the vent, and I heard her talking on the phone in the basement. I'm almost positive it was to this guy; I was then shocked to hear her start having phone sex with him. *shudder* I don't think they've actually met in person and had sex, as my mom doesn't really like leaving the house without me or my dad, and it'd probably cause too much suspicion with the neighbors if she invited this guy to our house. But it still bothers me.

 

I'm... curious (in a morbid way, I guess) to know how this other guy would actually perceive my mom in person. Ever since my mom has started communicating with this guy, she's removed all current pictures of herself from her online profile, and has been posting old pictures from 20-30 years ago when she was much younger, skinnier, and nice-looking. It seems to me she's trying to make him think that's what she still looks like now, and I'm pretty sure he's fallen for it. Even though he, himself, isn't anything to look at, I can't help but wonder if he'd be shocked to find out she's been deceiving him about herself. Not only that, but I've noticed she's been pretty nutty in some of her messages to him. One second, she's telling him how much she loves him, the next she's writing to him that he's such a jerk and that "it's over". But it's never really "over" between them. I'm not even sure why he continues contacting her, considering how bi-polar she acts towards him. I have a feeling he's just in it for the cheap thrill, and will drop it after a while, because she's just not worth putting up with anymore.

 

I don't even know what to do, to be honest. I hate knowing my mom is doing this, but I feel like if I tell her what I know, she'll turn it around on me for snooping all this time. I can't have that fight again, it's just too hard. But I'm afraid to tell my dad, because I don't know how he'd handle it. When he lost his job a couple of years ago, he pretty much had a mental breakdown. If he found out his wife was cheating on him, I don't know what he'd do... I'm afraid he'd do harm to himself, possibly even commit suicide. It's... scary. Part of me just wants to stay out of it completely, but part of me feels so guilty for knowing all this and doing nothing to stop it.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

 

I still don't know the "endgame" for this affair, yet, so it's hard to say... If I knew that it was going to end after a few rounds of phone sex, I'd probably be able to tolerate it, even though I'd still be hurt, deep down. But if it turns into a full blown affair, and my dad finds out, and something horrible happens, no, I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive my mom.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

 

I haven't, and I've always held firm that I never would. But after this...? I don't even know. I'd never want to have an affair, but this whole situation has caused my perception of relationships to become so incredibly negative, that I don't know I'd care enough not to cheat on a future partner.

[OptomisticGirl]

1. Which parent cheated?

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

 

1. My father

2. Divorce

3. I really didn't realize what happened until I was older. There were other reasons my parents divorced as well that I DID know were happening. I dunno. I was honestly happy they divorced, at least there was peace.

4. No

5. Nope and never will

6. No.

[bluexin99]

1. Which parent cheated?

Both of my parents.

 

Dad cheated on my mum when I was only a foetus but came back to her when he discovered that we were more important than the woman he was cheating with. Mum accepted him. After dad immigrated to Australia (we were separated from my dad for 6 years. in fact, i met him for the first time when i was 6), mum started cheating on my dad. This went on for more than 10 years even after we immigrated to Australia. She would often find excuses to go back to our home country to see him. The cheating stopped for a while and then started again. I recently found out that that douche bag is not the only guy she cheated with. She had affairs with 2 of our family's so-called "family friends".

 

I suspect that none of them are cheating now.

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

Surprisingly, they're still together. Both claims that they're together - despite dad's infidelity during months of her pregnancy and mum's on-going infidelity - for me and my brother's sake. However, when my parents fight over this, I tend to wish that they separate.

 

Arguments amongst them are rare nowadays. They appear to be a happy couple but everything that has happened makes me feel so insecure that I think it could happen again.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

Never hated my dad even though he treated my mum badly during a very crucial time of her life (and my life) - seeing him work so hard to provide us living makes it extremely hard for me to hate him. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking that mum cheated on dad as retaliation but really, it's a part of who she is. She never had to work since we immigrated here and she used the spare time she had to cheat. It disgusts me. But she is my mum. I don't hate her for cheating, but I hate her for ruining me and my brother's childhood memories. Every seemingly happy holiday to our home country was tainted by fears of her visiting that douche bag. Now come to think of it, our days in Australia were no different - she was constantly cheating.

 

If she wanted to cheat then she could have left us. Why hurt us by cheating under our eyelids.

 

Such fear and hate will be something that I will never forget.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

Yes, all my life since I started having memories. Everyone knew about my mum cheating. Nobody did anything.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

I don't know what it means to forgive her - whether I do or not, she will never be able to return a happy and carefree childhood. There will always be a barrier between us.

 

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

Never. I will never do what my mum did to my brother and I to my children. She probably has not realised the consequences yet but we are scarred for life. Images of her and that douchebag often appear in my nightmare.

 

If I fall out of love with my future husband then I would leave him. That is what my mum should have done decades ago.

[Karen1122]

1. Which parent cheated? My mom

2. What happened to your parents' marriage? it ended

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? I was very sad, I found out bc my mom got pregnant, and we knew it wasnt my dads baby. I used to cry, but now i feel gross, i look so much like her and its hard to look my self in the mirror sometimes, i cant look into my eyes, i feel like i dont want to look like her. I feel betrayed and disgusting.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? no

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? I try, but no. I cant, because even now, she still lies to me. They guy she cheating on my with passed away. So now my dad lives somewhere else, and I have a lil half sister whos dad i used to hate. its hard, shes dating someone else, and lies about that too. Mayb shes ashamed, but she lies all the time and thats why i cant forgive her, i hate her.

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?NO. I dont want to be like my mom!!

[bulletproof]

1. My father allegedly cheated for a lot of the marriage- but no confirmation on that.

2. They are still married.

3. My feelings were mixed- I did not get along with my father, and my parents fought a lot. They also slept separately and I've never seen them kiss. So I always secretly wished they'd divorce.

4. I doubt it. I think my mom knew.

5. I guess I forgive him. Our relationship isn't strong so it's a non-issue.

6. Probably not. I have learned in life to never say never, but I'm at a point now that if I did marry someone, I would just tell them I was contemplating an affair and let the chips fall where they may. Or I would end the relationship. I see no reason to lie.

[fire2therain]

1. Which parent cheated?

My mother

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

They had a 5 year long custody battle, my mother ended up moving away and not speaking to me and my sister for 6 months at the beginning of the divorce.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

Confused, angry, sad.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

No I did not

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

It's a process

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

No and no. I couldn't put someone through what my father had to go through.

[jnsmiller]

1. Which parent cheated?

My dad

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

My mom got a bunch of plastic surgery, my dad lied and said it didn't happen, and the affairs continued. They stayed together.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

I was in shock and I became extremely withdrawn and and angry. I was 11 at the time. I already had social problems, but when I found out, I kept everything to myself and friends pulled away from the negativity I was breeding. I withdrew from any feelings of sadness, unfortunately.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

I found out, I think i overheard somebody talking about it before I looked on his computer, found messages, amongst other evidence. I didn't tell my mom because I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I hoped she would find out on her own and my father would apologize to me...Instead, they told me I was wrong. Now they're considering divorce, 5 years later.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

No. I want to.

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

I had an affair when I was younger because I felt not listened to. I regret having an affair as it hurt my boyfriend at the time. I think I feared intimacy so much that I just had one "before he did." Childish, I know. I never want to have an affair ever again. It was a huge mistake and I'm racked with guilt and self loathing.

[happyhippo]

1. Which parent cheated?

My mom. Several times throughout the 17 year marriage - in fact, she was rarely without someone on the side.

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

They divorced, but not over the infidelity. They had so many other issues and in fact she divorced my dad.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

It was confusing and embarrassing, especially as she would take me or me and my brother to their outings (several boyfriends).

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

Every time. Dad confronted me when I was young about one of them and I told him.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

There was no forgiving to be done. It was none of my business. She was and is a grown woman and can do as she pleases - it's not my place to judge or question her actions.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

Never.

[fndngmyselfnow]

1. Which parent cheated?

 

From what I know, my dad cheated first, and then my mom either as retaliation or just moving on.

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

 

They stayed together for awhile, hoping to wait it out until my sister and I were off to college. They instead divorced while I was starting high school, but got back together about 5 years later and are still together now (another 3).

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

 

I was not so upset by my parents' divorcing. I was old enough to realize it was for the best for them, but I was upset that I wouldn't see my dad as much.

 

As far as their getting back together, I'm also happy about that. I think they needed time truly away from one another. My mom was young when she got with my dad and regretted never experiencing other men or dating. I think she deserved having that experience. I think my dad also has gotten over his commitment issues.

 

I hope that my parents got back together for the right reasons. They don't seem to fight as much, but I'm not living with them anymore to really know. But they cuddle on the couch watching movies, something I never saw as a kid. I do think they have reconnected and will stay together out of love, mutual understanding, and a tiny bit of not wanting to start over. I don't blame them for that.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

 

No, I don't think I did.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

 

Yes, I have forgiven both my dad and mom. What they did was about them, not me.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

 

I told myself I never would, but I did cheat on my last boyfriend before breaking up with him. Is it due to my parents and that I have seen so many differing consequences? I don't know, but at least I can talk to them about it. But really, I have to learn from my own mistakes, and I now know I will NEVER do that again. It is far too hurtful and confusing for everyone involved.

[Michael Haslam]

1. Which parent cheated?

Father

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

She doesn't know yet... I think.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

Disgusted. I always had a bad relation with him, but I would always end up forgiving him. He always had a pornography addiction, but I never expected him to cheat. Mothers don't deserve such bull * * * * .

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

Yup.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

Funny, every piece of advice I've ever read, from the bible to wikihow, says to forgive. They don't tell you how.

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

Never.

[coastalgirl]

My ex's mother cheated many times. The first time he noticed he was 13 and was very upset. He went into his Mom's room to kiss her goodnight and she was in bed with the neighbor.

He never went into her room to kiss her goodnight again.

 

Many years later, he married me and cheated constantly over our 11 years together always denying it. He was a serial cheater so I eventually left. I only found out after I left how many, it was shocking.

 

Not sure how this helps with the questions, and yes he forgave his mother.

[marjannebie]

1. Which parent cheated?

 

My mother on my father

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

 

I don't understand. Everybody knows, even my father. But nobody says a thing about it, my father doesn't say anything. He acts like nothing happens, even though my mother goes several times a week to her lover and sleeps there, my father knows because e wakes up in a empty bed ..

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

 

I don't understand anything of it. The biggest problem is the hypocrisy. Every time my mother talks about how everybody should behave themself, I think: * * * ? how can you say that? My father doesn't say anything, I don't see him as an example for me.. I have little respect for my father, I think he's really pathetic. Also because of the fact that every time there is a discussion with my mother, my father says she is right. He takes side for her, but she cheats on him all the time, every day ...

 

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

Yes, many people know.. My neighbours, familymembers, friends of me, friends of my brother, friends of my mother, everybody knows... Before or at the same time, I don't know but everybody just knows and act like it is normal...

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

As long as I live in with them I don't forgive any of them because they just act like nobody else then them has to deal with it, but... I have to deal woth it and I don't like it this way... If I would live somewhere else then really it wouldn't bother me, because then it's there life, there space (if they want to live together) ... But if there are other people involved (like me and my brother) I think it is really inappropriate what my mother does and how lame my father acts.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

Never had, and I think never will... I think it is the most lame thing you can do. No to someone else, but for yourself. If you can't deal with your own situation then you don't have to cheat on somebody. First order yourself and then you take responsability for your choice. You can't have it all in life. Some people, like my mother, think they can everything: comfort of living two lives for example....

[RitaTrue]

Good thread. Interesting topic.

 

 

1. Which parent cheated?

First my dad. He had a few girlfriends. He wanted to be married and single both. My mom wanted him to be faithful but that wasn't happening. She got tired of waiting for him. So, she went out and cheated too.

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage? They divorced. They were married 20+ years. The odd part was that my father still wanted them to be married, even though he wanted to keep cheating.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? I dont think I have feelings for the infidelity itself, because by the time I found out about it, my parents had already been seperated and divorced for many years. In fact, I only remember being in a single-parent household, so the absence of my father and his actions had no immediate bearing on my life. However, what I DO have feelings on, however, is how their divorce has effected me because of how it effected my mother: I have zero trust in men. I hate it. But, in my mind, somehow, I feel like each man, is somehow like my father: unfaithful.

 

PS, for the record, I feel that divorcing was the BEST option for them. I dont feel they should've gotten married in the first place, and possibly got married for the wrong reasons. My parents are unhealthy for each other. And only divine intervention can make them be 'right for each other.'

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

No. My mother started telling me about the affairs when I in my teens, way after they'd been legally divorced. What did I do? Listen. Take mental notes. Make a stack of mental notes on why ALL men begging to cheat. Now, intellectually, I know that's not true. But, in my heart, I feel that way.

 

With my father, on the other hand, he has NEVER told me anything, and will probably NEVER say anything. Even when I lived with him for 4 years, he never said anything. But, on one hand, I can understand why he never says anything wants to keep it between he and my mom (ha, that's a joke!), and he knows that my mom and I are very close.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

No. I haven't actually. It never occurred to me that I needed to. Wow. I forgave my dad for not being in my life. But it never occurred to me to forgive him for being unfaithful to my mom--and the impact his and her actions have had on my life. That's a new penny for my thoughts.

 

The closest I think I ever got to: was telling my mom that I was TIRED of hearing about how my father was a dawg and a cheater, and a good-for-nothing. I said I wanted to hear NO MORE of it, and that I didnt NEED to hear it--he's my father. She immediately said she wouldn't mention it again. And never has. But I know she still thinks it. I dont think my mom has forgiven him either.... Its sad.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

No, I want to be faithful. I'd feel horrible if I cheated on someone I loved. I know the world is not ideal. And neither are people. But at least, for myself, I'd want to be faithful.

[x0sarahbethany]

1. Which parent cheated?

mom

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

they are still married but they are getting a divorce when i graduate high school

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

well i didnt understand it back then and my mom lied to me about what was going on but now that my dad tells me it gets me really angry and i resent her

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

i had no idea she did it while i was at dance classes

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

never did and never will

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

absolutely not and i have serious trust issues now

[NeverGrowUp]

1. Which parent cheated?

My dad

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

Well, I was only told a few days ago about the fling my father was having where he would pay some Asian * * * * (not to be racist.. I'm just quite upset) when he would go overseas... My mother had known for awhile and chose to do nothing about it until I had finished my final year of high school (which was a few days ago). Luckily my father is away, in Asia funnily enough, and my mum knew that he was going to see her and confronted him about it. It was honestly the biggest shock of my life, I actually threw up. I have always been considered a "daddy's girl" and honestly my father was the person a truly looked up to and I would have done anything for him as well as my mum. I honestly felt as though someone had told me he past away, thats how much it hurt. So as of now, I'm not sure what is going to occur with my parents relationship... My mum wants them to separate for a little bit and attempt to re-kindle the love in their relationship.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

I have gone through several different emotions... Anger, sadness, guilt, hopelessness and strangely enough love. I go through times where I type out a massive angry text to my father, then end up deleting it and I keep texting him asking how his trip is... I have always felt the need to impress my dad and so even in this time I still feel like I need to seek his approval?? Its all so confusing to me... Also I feel so privileged to have a mother that would sacrifice things for me, as she knew months in advance but knew I needed immense family support during my final year.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

No, not at all. My family bent over backwards for my dad, I still don't understand how he could not only cheat on my mother but my sister and I. If I knew, I honestly would have kicked him in an area men don't enjoy being kicked...

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

Its hard to tell... I honestly don't believe he intentionally went out to hurt us and since she is in another country and he was actually paying her, it makes me feel better that it isn't serious. I know I will forgive him, however I will never forget this.. ever.

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

NO NONONONONONONO

 

Any advice on how to deal with this would be much appreciated!

[TalkWithMe]

1. Which parent cheated? My Mother.

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage? I haven't told yet so I don't know.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? It just happened and really confused and upset.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? I just found out about it. I found letters, photos, and videos my mother had saved and forgotten about that spanned over two years. I haven't done anything yet. I want to make sure I am 100% sure in my decision and that I do in fact have solid proof before I do anything.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? I'm really hurt but I'm more worried about my father forgiving than I am of myself.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair? NO! I have been raised to believe you only marry the person you love and to never cheat. If you are unhappy and it can't be resolved then leave. (So to find out my mother did this leaves me flabbergasted!)

[Laura132]

1. Which parent cheated?

My father

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

Separation. The first time he cheated... or should i say, the first time he was cheating was when i was much younger. My mom was heart broken and torn when she found a text message that said "Can't wait to be in your arms again." from another woman. Fast forward several years, and he is doing it again. He's away a lot because of his work. He confessed it to my mom a few days ago. Since, she has been broken and torn again. She has come to terms with the fact that he has a problem, and she is telling him to get an appartment. They are deciding to go to marriage counseling and also be counselled individually. Apparently it's the first time he's admitted to having a problem. I hope it ends in divorce.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

I am... angry. I feel really sick to my stomach most of the time. It prevents me from sleeping. It's like chronic stomach nausea. I am so angry at what he did to my mom, and also what he's doing again. I think he's a sick man and that my mom deserves way better. I know she's afraid to divorce him because she's spent more years with him that without (they met when they were teenagers, they are now in middle age.) It's really hard to sum up all that i feel. I'm embarassed to say that this man is my father. I can't stand to be in the same house as him as he is looking for an appartment. These women he's been sleeping with make me sick too. What really is wrong in a woman's head to make her think it's ok to sleep with a married man? I'm praying for strength and peace. I'm not ready yet to pray for the ability to forgive. I feel so sorry for my mom. It also makes me sick thinking of what she might be thinking. Especially after choosing to forgive a man the first time and discover he's done it again.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

I had great suspicions. He was always secretive about his phone. He would delete all his messages. He wouldn't say who he was talking to. One time, i peeked over at his phone and i saw him having a conversation with a woman and they were talking about their plans for "friday night". My heart felt heavy and i felt really sick. But you know what? I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I used that small bit of doubt i had and tried to cover up all the signs i've seen. In a way i'm glad it finally came out.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

I do not forgive him yet. The only thing that makes me want to is the fact that i know it hurts my mom more to see me hate him. Though her relationship with him might be over (as all trust is now gone), she doesn't want to see my relationship with him end. I'll understand that one day, i hope. But currently, i don't.

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

I am in my mid-twenties now, and i can never see myself having an affair. It's sick, it's a sin-adultery and fornication, and it hurts many people. When parents cheat it doesn't only affect their relationship. No matter what anyone says, it also affects the children. I feel like he's cheated and lied to this FAMILY, not only to my mom. I feel betrayed too, granted, not as much as my mom might feel.

7. Does this affect how i view relationships/men?

Definitely. My own father, who is supposed to walk me down the aisle one day... is capable of such an act? I've lost all trust in men. I feel like they cannot be trusted... that they're only driven by theirr sexual nature and cannot stay faithful to a woman. The bible says that even he who looks at a woman lustfully has committed adultery in his heart. I want my feelings to change, but i don't think they will anytime soon.

[BLB]

1. Which parent cheated?

My mum.

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

Nothing, they stayed together, I think because my dad never found out.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

I was sad and scared and knew it was something dreadfully wrong that I'd walked in on. I started to become a very poorly little girl from then on.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

I was the only person, except my mum, that knew about it. I walked in on my mum cheating with my cousin. It also dawned on me that her and our neighbour were putting signs in the bedroom windows to the workmen at the back of our house. My mum and our neighbour had a big fight in our kitchen, which was really awful and probably because of the cheating. Plus our neighbour moved away because of it. I never told my dad or my mum about it but my relationship was really poor with my mum from then on and once my dad died she completely broke friends with me and only made friends with me six months prior to dying (she had cancer and finally made contact with me) the bridge was never healed and she still treated me different to my two sisters, who also treat me different and as we are now sorting her estate out and my sisters are treating me like a lower grade citizen, lying to me and telling me mum wanted to cut me out of the will and that I was only in the will because they (my two younger sisters) had insisted she couldn't cut me out.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

I didn't even think about forgiveness I was desperate for her to forgive me. She treated me like I'd done something wrong by seeing and I think she was very afraid of me. I am 51 years of age now and I still cry about how she treated me all my life because I knew something she was afraid I'd tell.

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

Never. I've had my first husband cheat on me and I think my present husband has thought about it and maybe even done it. I'd never ever ever do that to anyone.

7. Does this affect how I view relationships/men?

It affects every relationship I have because it's not just about infidelity it's about who I believe myself to be. It's about the lack of love my mother had for me or rather the way she was so afraid of me for seeing that she punished me the whole of my life. I am a broken person because of it!

[BattleforLife]

I maybe be completely out of line here but I think my mom is cheating!

 

1. Which parent cheated?

 

Mom

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

 

Nothing. I suspect dad already knows this. They probably will stay married. No guarantees though!

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

 

Disgust! Have had trouble with women all my life. Now I know why! I am 27!

It is very hard for me to trust women, even as friends! I keep a huge distance whenever I meet any girl.

I just recovered from a long and a lonely battle with Anxiety and depression. So not giving this the importance that I think I am supposed to. Just want to get out of this rut and start living my life. Cannot really care about my parents now. Made a mistake doing that for the past 27 years!!!

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

 

First a background on my mother and her family.

My mom is a classic sociopath. I struggled through the haze of lies and abuse she threw at me for all these years and have only just managed to get out.

My mother's brother is a classic player. Could not get his marriage in shape and ended up divorcing. He is married to a girl about 20 years younger to him and has a kid with her!

Although she has another sister and brother this player guy is the one who she is closest with and resembles a lot to in behaviour ie sociopath

I only bring this up because this sort of a thing probably runs in her family. Her dad was supposed to be a ladies man too, but I have no evidence on that.

 

The actual 'cheating' episode

The first time I thought she was cheating was maybe when I was 8 - 10. Do not remember when exactly. It was my birthday and she had gotten her 'friend' to tag along to dinner. Dad was not with us as he worked out of town. We got back home and later that night, when I got up to drink some water, I saw the two of them talking under dim lights. I remember my mum looking concerned. I hung around feeling uneasy for sometime and went to bed.

Did not actually see them in action. Never saw that guy again except for once on a street at my mother's home town. My dad told me a couple of months ago, in a totally different conversation, that my mom and that guy used to date in college but had called it off because her father had opposed it! A typical south Indian story there. Married my dad a year later and here we are thirty three years later.

 

I talked this out with my sister a few months ago and she sort of told me to put 2 and 2 together and stop giving mom the benefit of doubt. Though she had trouble with this initially, she handled it better than me. I guess she has the female perspective on this and can see this as between two people rather than her mother. I guess I would have had the same reaction if my dad was the one cheating.

 

Today, I saw my mom driving home. However after she did not turn up at the house for about an hour or so I called her. She told me that she was at a different place. Her voice was not the usual one and sounded sly. She received the phone at a restaurant I guess. I assume that she was out with someone and wanted to cover her tracks.

 

As I said I maybe paranoid, but I do not want to get stuck in a rut again over this! I am not going to talk to her about this. I have had talks with her regarding my other problems and they were of no use! They just added to my stress.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

 

Nope. The fact that drives me here is that she cared nothing for the effect this and her sociopath-ness had on her kids. My sister had her own battle with depression! As I said I just want to get out of this and start living my life.

Her cheating is just another line in a long list of problems I have with her. I do not see why I have to forgive her on just this one!

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

 

Depends on the relationship I have with the wife/girlfriend. I would only consider cheating if no one is hurt ie kids/wife/girlfriend and the mistress promises me a long stable life with her. That might just be a dream but I am keeping my options open here.

Do I want to cheat? NO! I want to be in a committed relationship with someone I love!

 

Sorry for the rant guys. I needed to vent and this helped me a lot!

Thanks a ton for this site.

 

I just want to end this by saying this to anyone who is going through anything rough:

 

STAY HOPEFUL GUYS!! THE SUNSHINE'S GOING TO SHINE THROUGH SOONER THAN YOU IMAGINE!!!

[ParisPaulette]

1. Which parent cheated? Both mother and father

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage? They fought like cats and dogs, but couldn't ever make that final leap to leave each other. They ended up growing old together until my father passed away some years ago. However it was not exactly a happy marriage or a happy household. I can't even begin to count the number of times one or more of us kids wished they'd have just left each other and found people they could be really happy with. It was like something out of a bad country western song all the way.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? Anger and confusion. Angry they were cheating and confusion about why they'd choose to stay with each other and cheat rather than just end things and be honest.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? No, my parents each knew before we kids did. The fights and the nonverbal cues are what clued us kids into what was happening long before the parents actually said anything directly to us.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? Yes, I have made peace with both of them. In fact I've had lengthy convos with both on the topic. In the end each admitted they'd gotten married way too young, had way to many hangups due to uber-religious backgrounds and each of them didn't leave, because they were convinced the other one and the kids would not survive without them. Was it messed up? Yes, very but it was what it was. I don't begrudge my parents their troubles, just wish they could've had a fully functional sane relationship either with each other or someone else years before they finally did when both were too old to basically attract anyone else. At that point they actually turned to each other and began to have a normal good relationship, but that didn't happen for a good solid 30-some odd years of marriage. Something I think no sane person in their right mind would do and I definitely never would. To this day I still don't really get that.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair? No, came close a couple of times. When my marriage was ending there was someone on the fringes waiting, but I didn't officially start anything although emotional cheating did happen. It was a really unpleasant experience for everyone involved and one of the big reasons I'm a huge proponent now of "both of you need to be free and clear of all past relationship baggage BEFORE you start up with someone new." And would I ever have an affair? No, there's absolutely no reason to--if it comes to the point I'm that tempted then it means something is wrong in my relationship and/or with me in the first place and off to my therapist I would go along with open communication to my SO about it. We do currently make it a policy of openly talking about these things and it helps.

 

Basically what I've learned is that cheating isn't just something two people do, it has a ripple effect on a much larger group of people--kids, other family members, one's workplace, friends, even the odd stranger in those unfortunate crime of passion-type deals.