Children of Cheating Parents

[Lost n Dazed]

1. Which parent cheated?

Father. Several times through 23 years of marriage.

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

The incident happened back in 2013. They've been separated ever since. Mum's waiting for me to graduate before she applies for divorce. So technically speaking, they're divorced... i guess?

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

Sadness, frustration, rage, guilt of the fact that this was probably my fault, and a plethora of other negative emotions.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

Yeah. He himself told me that he was dating this woman and was planning to marry her. I, like the that i was, didn't tell mum about it. I kept it in, thinking that it would be better if he continued doing what he was doing because that would give us more proof, and mum could finally rid herself of him.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

Nope. And i don't really think i can ever.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

I had. They, too, were cheaters. The last guy i dated, i broke up with back in 31st Dec. 2012, after i found out that he was cheating on me with 3 other girls. And then, in late January 2013, the incident with dad happened. That was my last straw. I decided never to be in a relationship ever again.

[ParisPaulette]

1. Which parent cheated? Both - they got into a war of oneupmanship on it.

 

2. What happened to your parents' marriage? They stayed together, put us kids through hell and each other, it stopped when my dad got sober when I was 14 years old. It took both of them another three years of after that of serious counseling, AA and Al-Anon, and life changing to the point of moving us, making new friends, quitting old ones and giving up former hobbies--basically starting over at zero essentially to rebuild their marriage.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? I was so teed off at both of them. Doubly so when they pulled up stakes and moved us kids away from our own parents simply to give themselves a fresh start. A part of me has never forgiven them for that. It was even worse than the affairs themselves.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? I knew each and every time long before the other parent suspected. I got to the point I could spot people who were going to engage both my parents in affair-bait long before they'd even try. Something in the way they'd look at a parent and the tone of their voice would give the man or woman away every time.

 

And frankly, I hated every single one of them with a singular venom that as a child I shouldn't even have had to be aware of, much less feel.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? Well, for the cheating itself yes. My parents are only human and each of them had some very heavy baggage they brought to the marriage to begin with. They also both lived in an era when leaving your partner was a whole lot tougher than it is now. I forgave each of them after each of them personally acknowledged and apologized for the harm they caused us kids.

 

That said to this day I still insist they would have been far, far happier had they left each other long ago. I saw two lives wasted in a large number of ways and I don't feel they were ever even truly happy with each other. They were codependent, yes. That never changed even after my dad got clean and sober, but they weren't happy by any stretch of the imagination. My mother now, in her lucid moments, is quite bitter about having spent all those years with my dad. I can't really say I blame her although I loved the man and he did try to change. It just came years to late to really fix those hurts.

 

6. Have/would you ever had an affair? No. I have gone out of my way to get rid of anyone in my life that I think might even be a temptation in much the same way I don't regularly drink or rely on it to make me feel good. The history is there, so I choose not to let alcohol or temptations to cheat ever get a toehold in my life.

 

Have I been a bit reactive and irrational about that sometimes? Yes, sure.

 

The biggest thing I think I would want anyone to understand that most don't get is when parents cheat on each other or one against the other you are also cheating on the kids. Your attention is with the affair partner, you are not loving your children and being with them, this makes for a very unstable and unhappy life for the kid. And the kids always know, always. Anyone who says they don't is lying to themselves to keep justifying the affair. Kids hear it in the cheater's voice, see it in their face, feel the underlying currents of hurt and despair between parents.

 

And god help you when, not if but when, some classmate overhears something or worse sees your parent out with the affair partner. I'd take being bullied over a thousand other things before I'd ever wish on even my worst enemy the pain of having a fellow child say something like, "haha your dad is cheating on your moooom!" Horrible doesn't begin to describe that feeling.

[92151794]

1. Which parent cheated?

Father

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

Stayed together for years then split

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

Very angry It somewhat made me mistrust men in the past

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

No i was told about it when i was older

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

Hell no

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

I would not, personally because I find that very disrespectful, If your not happy then leave

Has your parent's cheating affected the trust that you have in your own partner/spouse/boyfriend, etc.??

Yes it still does at times, But I know there are good guys out there I just haven't found one yet.

[hyden]

I have some questions for those whose parents have cheated:

 

1. Which parent cheated?

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

 

1. Father and Mother (at different times)

2. Divorce

3. No idea as I have blocked out most of my childhood from my memory. (My 7th birthday, my parents splitting up and the death of my Grandfather all in one week may have played a factor)

4. No

5. Yes - The were clearly not meant for each other or prepared for married life.

6. No. Even spent the last 4 years of my unhappy marriage depressed and without sex and didnt cheat. My ex-wife however, did cheat for the last year. If I could go back, I wouldnt cheat, but I would have pulled the trigger on leaving her sooner. The fact that I left her when my oldest sone was 7, was sadly ironic. We have done well as far as co-parenting however...unlike my parents when I was young.

[jaymad]

1. Which parent cheated?

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

 

1. Mother

2. Divorced and she played a good victim, father went awol afterwards, so I kind of lost both parents in a way, she was around but not maternal and only really lived her life for her.

3. I was young when I found out about it, well the first one anyway, she went on to have a few more that I was dragged into as her child.

4.No, but we all knew, I was young but I wasn't stupid.

5. Forgiven but not forgotten.

6. No never, it had a profound effect on me that I've never really got over.

[EllaForest]

1. Which parent cheated?

Father

2. What happened to your parents' marriage?

Divorced after a year of failed attempts to work things out

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

I was angry and my opinion of my father was changed forever.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do?

No, I was young and didn't find out until 6 years later.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

I just put the affair out of my mind. I don't forgive my dad, but I forget what he did.

6. Have/would you ever had an affair?

NEVER!!! IVE SEEN THE PAIN THOSE THINGS CAUSE!!