Abused By My Boyfriend

[SweetaThanCandy]

My bf and I have been dating for almost a year and recently he proposed to me. I told him I didn’t know because of things that have been going on in our relationship. I know that he has a problem and I just dont know what to do. We were living together for about 4 months until I kicked him out because of an argument we had. We ended up arguing over something real petty and he thought I was leaving him so he broke my George Forman grill, threw my lamp through my glass table, turned my 27' TV over, and punched holes in my door and in my wall. We ended up wrestling and he wrestled me to the ground and kicked me in my crotch. He took my car keys because I wouldn’t give him the ring back that he is still paying for. So I ended up calling the police and they took pictures and told me to fill out a report. To make a long story short I ended up forgiving him and tried to work things out now he has been going through a lot and he fills that nothing is going right for him.

 

So yesterday, it was a bad day and he wanted to get a new cell phone. The phone is in my name and it's on, but a couple of months back he broke it because he got mad, and he has not had the money to get another one until now. Anyway so we went to the T-mobile store and they told me that there was an upgrade in June and that the contract was for 2 yrs, originally it was only 1 so I was so mad at him for not telling me and doing the * * * * without my permission that I left out the store and went to the car. He went after me telling me he didnt know he did that when he bought a phone in June, blah blah blah. So I took him home and I called T-mobile bc he was telling me that initially the contract was for 2 yrs and I knew this was wrong so I wanted to be sure. I called and confirmed what I thought and I cussed him out. He ended up crying and saying he never meant to hurt me, he didn’t know, etc. So he went into his pocket and gave me $180 so I could cancel the contract. I told him that this wasn’t enough and he said he would give me the rest because that's all he had. So I said whatever and he got out the car. I got out to because I felt bad because he was so upset.

 

We ended up chillin at his house for a couple of hours and when I was about to go he told me that he needed the money back because he forgot he needed it for his rent and that he would give me the rest next week. Now I'm thinking that he's lying because why would you give me the money if you knew you had to pay your rent. I never asked for it in the first place. So I told him this, he said he wasnt thinking about it, and he needs it. I kept telling him no because he gave it to me and he freaked out on me. He grabbed me and tried to dig in my pants and get the money. So then, once he found out that it wasnt in there, he went in the front room and went through my coat. I grabbed my coat from him and told him to stop. He kept yelling at me telling me to give him his money, he pushed me, I fell, I started kicking him, and he slapped me. I got up and tried to get my coat from him and he grabbed me by my neck and pushed me on the wall. I started yelling at him saying come on you want to hit me again go head and he said I'm not trying to hurt you. So I tried leaving and he grabbed me, pushed me on the ground, and punched me in my side and in my stomach. I was laying there grasping for air because I couldn’t breathe. He then went into the bedroom with my keys and I ran out the apartment. I didn’t have no keys, no coat, no nothing so I rung the bell to try to get my things and I heard my alarm go off (he got the money out the car). When I got to the door, he had my coat and keys and wanted to talk to me. I told him I needed to go back to the apartment to see if I left anything and I did.

 

So while I was in their he didnt want me to leave because he wanted to talk to me and ask me why I always gotta act like that. Why I always have to have an attitude? I told him it didnt matter and that I was done and that I washed my hands of him. Then he asks could he have a hug and I told him no and he tried to hug me anyway. He wanted to talk to talk to me and I just wanted to leave and finally I did. I got in my car, went around the corner, and started crying hysterically. I then went back, why I dont know and told him we needed to talk. At first, he was still trying to put the blame on me, saying I attacked him fast and blah blah blah and then after a while, he was trying to make up. He asked me did I want to come in and at first, I told him no but after, he asked like 3-4 times I said yeah. I went inside and sat on his bed and just laided down because I had a migraine headache and he laid down beside me. Then after like 5 minutes, I told him I had to go because I wanted to go to sleep and he said I could go to sleep over there and I said no. He asked was he going to see me again and I told him I did not know.

 

I do not know what I want to do. I know that I should leave but a part of me wants to stay. That is all we ever argue about is money. Everything else is good. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t need him I know that I have everything that I want and he can’t do anything for me that I can’t do for myself yet right now I just want to go over his house. Please help me. Why is it so hard for me to just say it is over and let that be that?

[Siriana]

Please, please, please we could use paragraphs here. I started reading what you wrote and I am getting lost constantly.

[xmrth]

Get away, definitely. What a complete LOSER, in every sense of the word. Breaking all of your things, abusing you, breaking your PHONE, then crying? Giving you money, needing it back, digging in your pants to get it?

 

How old is he? Just out of curiosity.

 

Especially that you say everything you argue about is money-- first off, it's a big issue in married couples in particular, and he needs less than $200 which would make or break his rent? He's that bad off? He doesn't have to be made of money, but still.

 

You know you have to get away... he could kill you with this abuse, even accidentally, if he gets you just right. He shouldn't lay a hand on you. He has, it's obviously not going to stop-- he says you started it? That makes a difference in his mind? It's just insane... get away.

[Siriana]

I do not know what I want to do. I know that I should leave but a part of me wants to stay. That is all we ever argue about is money. Everything else is good.

No, he's abusive nothing is o.k.. RUN, PLEASE LEAVE. He can hurt you badly.

You're not arguing over money, he's hitting you and trashing your place. You need to leave

[SweetaThanCandy]

He's 20 yrs old

[jmantra]

"Oh my boyfriend destroys my possesions, can't hold his own end financially, broke into my car, and knocks me around but I still love him he's such a great guy"

 

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[rmpavlock]

Leave! Do you want to stay in a relationship constantly afraid of what your boyfriend will do next? You deserve better! Don't stand for that. It sounds like he has some serious problems, and they aren't just going to go away. Please find the strength to leave. You will be happier in the long run.

[Agathon]

Ok, I might be really harsh here, so I apoligize...

 

If your boyfriend EVER hits you, threatens to hit you, even has the look in his eyes, LEAVE HIM.

 

Oh I know, it's not that simple, you've been through alot, you care about each other.... that's all crap!

 

If your boyfriend injures you, it's not a healthy relationship and you don't need him!!!

 

If you do stay, you know why? Cause your weak. You dont think you'll find anyone else that make you feel good or who will show an interest in you. THATS NOT TRUE. It make take 2 weeks or 5 years but you'll find someone else.

 

I'm sorry I'm such a * * * * *, but if theres one thing I cant stand, its abuse.

 

If you don't think you can 'get away', seriously, let me know. I can come up with literally 100 reasons why you should leave him.

[Siriana]

"Oh my boyfriend destroys my possesions, can't hold his own end financially, broke into my car, and knocks me around but I still love him he's such a great guy"

 

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O.k. no matter how harsh this is, definitely not polite, not sympathetic and I am not really shure that it helped the poster, but in essense this is what it is all about.

YOu really need to ignore the fact you love him. It is possible to love someone who's not good for us because life is not always fair, but also it is never going to be fair if you don't choose to do the right choices. The only thing you have an influence on are your choices. So do the right thing since you know what is the right thing here.

[itsallgrand]

Sweeta,

 

This isn't what relationships feel like. This isn't how love feels.

 

You need to get away from him - and you know this - so you can get a breath of fresh air and some perspective.

 

Right now, it is hard for you because you are in the middle of the drama. You are tired, he has worn you down.

 

You need rest and compassion away from him. It IS there. Think. Who in your life - now or from before you got involved with this guy, could you depend on?

CALL THAT PERSON. Go for coffee, go out and have fun: just be around them and let someone into your life.

 

You deserve better than this and you know it. There is NO shame in being tired and falling into a bad situation. You are not doomed to it. Your future is bright - he is crushing your light. Don't let him.

 

You just need some one to care right now, sweet. And he is not the one who can show you that. It is hard to accept: but I promise you, it does not mean a whit about you. You are lovely and loveable: he has problems.

 

I hope you are okay right now. tc of yourself.

[Aurian]

Warning signs that you are dating a loser: link removed

 

This is a great site. It really helped me realize my own guy was abusive (along with the great people here), and I left. I was really torn because he had periods when he could be so sweet, and I tried so hard to fix the one problem we kept fighting over all the time. The thing is, every time I fixed one problem, a new one would arise that was "my fault" and the abuse continued. Even if you suddenly win the lottery, he will still find an excuse to hurt you.

 

Nobody deserves that. Find someone who gives you the flowers and affection of a relationship without black eyes.

[bleeding]

Let me try to address a concern that you might have.

 

A lot of women, when they are deciding whether to leave or stay will waver inbetween describing and thinking of the horrific way he has treated them and how much she loves him.

 

The fact of the matter is, he is not good for you. He is hurting you, he is violating your boundaries, he is abusive, he is cruel, he has a repeated pattern of behavior.

 

It doesn't matter if you love him now, you must leave. The clarity......the lessening of feelings for him, feeling better for yourself, that comes after you have removed yourself from a bad situation and put yourself somewhere free from violence and abuse. It can be difficult to hear yourself think in the battle of a warzone...which is exactly what he has created.

 

You may have thoughts like:

 

Other people don't know what our relationship is like.

We are special.

He is special. He is different.

What if he changes.

He can change.

He doesn't mean to.

He doesn't know what he's doing.

I'm not ready to give up.

This is too good to give up on.

What if I miss out on something.

 

Etc. Etc.

 

The fact of the matter is.......he will not change, he is abusive and violent, he does not care about you (no one who does that to you is someone who cares for you), he is not special or different.....sure he may have his good qualities and his bad, but what I see is an abuser.

 

In my own experience, when I left, I was completely broken down, my life was in shatters.....the only path I was on was either death, suicide, homelessness, or a lifetime of abuse and slavery.

 

That's not love. That's hell on earth.

[yeawutever]

definitely leave him, even if you had an attitude, that would still be NO excuse for him hitting you and knocking you down. Yes he's 20, but his mind is that of a 10 year-old boy.

 

[gabbyfox]

I agree with Agathon! Get a self esteem & leave the loser!