On the verge of a breakup.

[drum4god]

Well,

 

My girlfriend of a year (with a breakup of 2 months in between) almost broke up with me. She told me the typical you are awsome, you make me laugh, you are attractive, but I just don't feel the chemistry. She told me its killing her, because she is attracted to me, we have fun together, and we have a lot in common. I was blown away, but to my surprise I was pretty cool. I did tell her I didn't appreciate her dangling the carrot of her heart in front of me. She made me believe she was in love. The funny thing is she did admit there were times she did feel like she was in love with me. Then she said she was confused about her feelings, and she needs to sort them out.

 

When she broke up with me, she was crying like I never saw her cry. Surprisingly I was cool. Then she said I don't understand. She said she tries and tries.

I told her, that if you don't feel anything then there is nothing I can do. I did everything I could.

 

Being that I love her so much I threw out my last rope. I asked her if you believe fear is stopping you from falling in love with me. She said it may. I told her I know you have feelings for me. I have experienced them. I have seen the way she looks at me, and is affectionate with me, and attacks me physically. I have experienced her warmth. I asked her what was she feeling then. I asked her was that acting. She said no. That was real. I also told her you can't fall in love unless you are make yourself vulnerable, and she hasn't.

 

She is not that open, and has been hurt before. She also told me she was only in love once. She was engaged, and the man not only left her, but got married. She said it took her 5 years to get over him. So perhaps she is fearful. I don't know. We are going to talk tonight, and to be honest I don't know what to do.

 

I love her, but I am not the type to beg, plead, and hang around if she doesn't feel the same way. The thing that is hard for me, is I know deep down she loves me. I really believe that. I have been with a ton of women, and I know when someone isn't into you, and I know when they are. With her, I have experienced both sides. I have experienced something similar 10 years ago, and the woman I loved was gay. I wonder if I'm dealing with it again. I am afraid to ask if that is the case, but I don't think so. She is a devout Christian.

 

Anyway, I will speak to her tonight, and just ask her if she loves me or not. I know it probably doesn't look good. But I believe that like loving someone is a choice, so is falling in love. I don't believe attraction is a choice, but making your heart vulernable, and allowing yourself to fall in love is. She has to make that choice. I know I can't pressure her, but at the same time. I can't be in limbo. Jesus once said 'Let your yes be yes, and your no be no".

 

In a strange way I feel a peace about whatever happens. I love her more than any women I ever loved, but the truth is, its out of my hands. I do know if she loses me she will be crushed, but at the same time she needs to know for sure that she loves me. I believe she does, but only she knows for sure.

 

I will like to hear some opinions. Is this a lost cause, or do you believe there is some hope. I know its a longshot, but I don't give up easily. Though I never beg. I will fight to the end for the woman I love.

 

Your thoughts would be appreciated, and if anyone has experienced anything similar. Please let me know.

 

Thx

[papalazarou]

I think, put simply, that she is afraid of history repeating itself like what happened in her previous relationship.

 

It took her 5 years to get over it and that means she really doesnt want to be hurt again.

 

How you do it im not sure but you need to convince her (and she needs to convince herself) that you are not like him and will not do what he did.

 

Regrettably she needs to deal with it because otherwise she may be tarring everyone with the same brush.

 

Kid gloves on this one I think.

[robowarrior]

Lets see, basically she got hurt in the past, and closed her emotional gateway. I think the best thing you could use at this moment is reversed psychology although i won't blame you if you don't believe in it. What you basically have to say is 'i've had enough of this, and im leaving you' , if you walk away and if she wants you back , she'll come to you. Basically you have to make her 'feel' that the advantage is to stay with you. She won't feel that benefit if she already has you. Let her 'feel' what it is to lose you. And if she realises how much better things where when she was with you, she'll come back to you. Its a tricky gamble tho, but 9/10 if you ask her to stay with you that she'll dump you.

[Lady Bugg]

Hi Drum. Sorry you're going through this again with this woman. I read your posts from when you broke up last time.

 

I believe this woman does love you....but her attraction for you is "lukewarm". I believe it is possible to love someone and not have the "chemistry" essential to keep them engaged with you on all levels. Just because someone loves you, does not mean they are right for you...and just because you DON'T love someone does not mean they are wrong for you.

 

You may think you have all the things necessary for a wonderful relationship.....but it still may not be enough. truthfully I think if this woman

is still questioning her feelings about you after all this time....that it's not likely to change...and even if it DID temporarily, you would always think in the back of your mind that she "settled" for you.

 

I hope I don't sound negative..I don't mean to. I really HOPE I am wrong...but I know the heart wants what the heart wants. I have been on both sides of the fence...and I can relate to each one.

 

However things turn out.....I wish you all the best.

[Scout]

LadyBugg is spot on, in my opinion.

 

Drum4God, I really hate to say this...but you can't force something that's not there for her. It's just not supposed to be like this...where you're constantly convincing her why she should love you, and constantly feeling worry that any minute she's going to break up with you.

 

I really think you should let her go. It seems she's staying out of guilt because she genuinely cares about you, but she's indicated numerous times she doesn't have the feelings needed to fully commit. Personally, I think that whole "fear of getting hurt" thing is a myth and an excuse that some of us try to talk ourselves into believing about someone who doesn't return our feelings because we don't want to face rejection. Human nature proves time and again that people will risk A LOT when they are in love.

 

In my opinion, it's not that she's not fully committing because she's scared of getting hurt. The situation appears instead to be that she is hesitant to fully break up with you because she's scared of hurting you.

[drum4god]

Papalaz - I think there is some truth to what you are saying, but what does a man like me do. Do I wait until she deals with her past. Things like that don't go away in a day. I don't know.

 

Robbwarrior - Believe it or not I feel like doing what you are saying, but its not as a tactic to get her back, but its because I'm angry. I'm angry because when she broke up with me in January she knew how much I loved her. She said she didn't feel the same way, and broke up. I went strict NC for 9 weeks. During the NC I was hurting, but I moved on. I truly believed there was no hope she would come back, but she e-mailed, and told me she didn't realize how much she missed and me and had feelings. Things escalated, we fall in love (so I think we did). Then it was all up and down from there. Telling me she loves me, but then pulling away. Acting one day like I'm the man of her dreams, then making me feel like I'm just a buddy. I can't tell you what this has done to me. Its cruel. Well, maybe cruel is a strong word, but giving me a taste of her love than taking it back is something that crushes me. I would rather her say "I hate your guts" or even have her cheat on me. This way I would know where I stand. But what is a man to do when he is madly in love with someone, and they make you believe the same thing. Just last week we talked about marriage, and she wrote me a card. In the card there was a heart with the words "I do" in it. What am I'm supposed to think. Now, last night she does this to me. I can deal with anything when I know where I stand. But I can't respect what she is doing. I know she isn't doing it on purpose. She even told me its killing her what she is doing to me, but this is very strange. It is.

 

Lady Bugg,

 

I am not blind. I know this is a longshot. I know the heart wants what it wants. I am prepared to let her go. I am. It will hurt, but there is nothing I can do. I won't grovel for someone's love. I just mad, that I came back to her. I really believed she loved me.

 

A message who are hoping to get back with their ex's. Be warned. You may get them back. NC got me my girl back, and I didn't even expect it. But the pain the 2nd time around is 10 times worse. As you can see. I am hanging by a thread. I am fighting for my love, but more likely than not its a losing battle.

 

I am in such a fog right now. I don't know what I'm going to say tonight. I really don't.

[Scout]

I'm sure your girlfriend is a decent person or you wouldn't love her, but drum4God, you're a pretty special guy yourself. You do not deserve this constant rollercoaster of ups and downs.

[kickedin]

dude my girl broke up with me and came back after 4 months unexpectedley

 

shes doing the same to me for the whole 6 months she is a strong christian been through a divorce and tell s me she has a burden on her heart and needs to pray for an answer becuase she feels numb in her heart but last week we were talking marriage too...i think its fear

[terk2021]

It's most likely fear. I went through something very similar. You are right to tell her that if she is not ready to be at the level in the relationship that you are, you are moving on. I wish I would have followed that advice 3 months ago. Instead, I kept letting her know that I was there for her, and never followed through on NC. When she asked me to come back, I did, she when she asked for a break again, I just kept chasing...

 

I have received 2 dear John letters, the latest one last night...

 

She may have trust issues, and thoughts that she does not deserve to be happy. I would not go with an ultimatum, but if you feel you have the strength to move on and stick to your guns, I would do it. I wish I had that strength right now...

 

Good luck

[majord23]

I agree with robo, but with a different motivation.

 

She is expressing these feelings and let's face it - it's a big red flag. Something is missing from your relationship, that she cannot (and possibly noone can) define.

If the problem can't be diagnosed, then a realistic solution can't be found.

 

I can only see this as being a long, drawn out break-up from here. You'll have good times...followed by her indecision....and so on and so forth until the relationship ends.

 

I would definitely consider walking away. It may have her running back to you (if the chemistry that is she says is missing is related to her feeling too 'comfortable' with you) but I think your motivation for ending it should be to preserve yourself.

 

If you 'dump' her and she does come running back, it then opens a whole other bag of cats (can of worms poor cousin ). It then has you attempting to keep that 'chemistry'...which basically means keeping her slightly insecure the whole time. Which aint the healthiest.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds pessimistic, and I may be completely wrong - but that's the way I see it playing out at the moment.

 

My advice: Walk away before she does.

[drum4god]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Its strange we ended last night with her telling me I'm beautiful and that she loves me, so who the hell knows. I will talk to her tonight and this is what I'm going to say.

 

Jess,

 

We have been through alot, and I don't have to tell you how I feel.

We have talked it through, and I am not going into a long speech to try and convince you of my love, or to try and convince you to love me. You know what I'm about. I have been straight up with from the beginning. I have been good to you, and worked very hard at this. But there comes a point where you start to wonder if all that work and love produced anything. To be honest I think about the things you have said to me. I think about you coming back to me. I think about all the things you wrote to me, and it gets me mad. Its get me mad because I thought those words were from your heart. I thought you meant those words. You knew I was crazy about you from the start. Why would you string me on, if you didn't feel the same way.

 

You made me believe you were in love with me. Its like you would draw me in, and then withdraw. Then when I doubt your love for me, or feel like this isn't going anyway. You blow me away with a card, or tell me everything I want to hear. Its the ultimate tease, and I am not dealing with it anymore. My heart is big, and it gives, but when I feel its being taken for granted, it turns, and it won't come back.

 

My heart right now is at a crossroads. I need to know where I stand in your heart. You said you didn't feel chemistry. To be honest those are pretty damning words, and if true its a barrier that is almost impossible to overcome.

 

But who knows. Last night you tell me I'm beautiful, and when I left your car, you grab my hand and kiss me. Was that not chemistry.

 

Here is the deal. I am not playing any more games. Either you love me, or you don't. To be honest I am prepared for either answer. If you don't I will move on. I will hurt for awhile, but in a way I will be relieved, because what I went through is not fun, and a weaker man would not recover.

 

If you do love me, you have to be in this 100 percent. You have to realize love is not a feeling. Yes, we need feelings, but there are times they won't be there. Trust me, I don't always feel in love with you, but I love you.

Of course love can't be sterile, there has to be passion and feelings, but it starts with a decision.

 

 

What do you guys think? Here is the good thing. I do feel strong. I don't feel needy, or desperate. I just want to know the deal, and i will deal with it accordly. If she breaks up with me. I will handle it like a man, and then come here to cry. If she stays with me, then I will be on my toes. I am not afraid to leave if she pulls the same crap. The good thing is if she stays with me, and she does it again. I don't think I will be hurt. I think I will be so turned off, and angry I will just leave her. She doesn't think I have that in me, but trust me I do. Just ask some of my ex-girlfriends. Every single one, begged me back and I moved on. If she breaks up with me. I will be gone for good. I am tired playing the sucker.

[majord23]

Wrong approach mate. You cannot debate feelings with logic...and that is what you are trying to do.

You are trying to convince her that there is chemistry - do you really think that's possible??

 

We cannot choose who, or what we are attracted to. If you want her to be more attracted to you, you need to act *not* speak.

[drum4god]

Wrong approach mate. You cannot debate feelings with logic...and that is what you are trying to do.

You are trying to convince her that there is chemistry - do you really think that's possible??

 

We cannot choose who, or what we are attracted to. If you want her to be more attracted to you, you need to act *not* speak.

 

I agree, but here is the thing. She says she is attracted to me. If fact she told me she is very attracted to me. That is what baffles me. How can you be attracted to someone and not feel chemistry? That doesn't make sense to me. But I here what you are saying. I am not trying to talk her into loving me. I am not. I just want to know what the deal is. That is all.

[majord23]

I agree, but here is the thing. She says she is attracted to me. If fact she told me she is very attracted to me. That is what baffles me. How can you be attracted to someone and not feel chemistry? That doesn't make sense to me. But I here what you are saying. I am not trying to talk her into loving me. I am not. I just want to know what the deal is. That is all.

 

To be honest, I don't think she knows what the deal is - so even asking her directly isn't going to make things any clearer.

 

I'm attracted to lots of girls (probably too many for my own good )...but among those are lots that I wouldn't necessarily want to be in a relationship with.

 

If you were to ask me why, I'd be hard pressed to give you an answer because I don't know myself.

 

I could always say it was 'chemistry'....but that wouldn't be a completely accurate reason, just a word that I might feel 'fits'. See what I'm getting at here drum?

[BONO]

Drum4god - What do you think to this ?????

 

 

 

 

Scruff

[drum4god]

Drum4god - What do you think to this ?????

 

 

 

 

Scruff

 

He is right on, but lets get real. You know how difficult it is. You know when we love someone we don't give up easliy. We hold on to every little hopeful thing they say. We are all gluttons for punishment. However, I know this is the end of the road. In one hour I will find out the deal.

Believe me I am prepared for anything, and know its a longshot. To be honest I don't know what to say. I'm in a fog, but I will be strong. I won't beg, plead, or cry. I will just accept what she has to say. Obviously she is probably going to tell me the same thing as last night, but she wanted to talk to me tonight. She did end the night telling me she loved me. So who knows.

 

The problem I have is, what if she tells me she loves me and wants to work it out. How can I believe her. I don't know. This blows. Its seems like a no win.

 

I will let you know what happens. I am just going to be strong, and confident. I am prepared for anything.

[drum4god]

We talked last night on the phone, and it started out O.K, but then it took a turn for the worst. She kept telling me she has to go to bed early because she gets up at 5:00. I then asked what do you want, do you want to work at this and do you love me. She paused for about a minute, and said she does love me. I then said what do you want to do, and she paused again. I then snapped. I said if you actually have to think about being with me, then it doesn't seem like you do. I then blew up (which have never done before). I said that you have been playing me, you love me one day, and then push me away. I said what she is doing is cruel, and I can't respect it. Then she said. You know what you are right. I have to make a decision. She said in a very angry tone, lets end it. Thats it. I can't love you the way you want, and it would be better. To be honest it hurt me when she said it, then I sort of asked her why she said she loved me, and then she said I have to go to bed. I tried to talk, and then she said I am hanging up, and she did.

 

I couldn't sleep all night. Its killing me.

[in_love]

drum4god

 

aww man... sorry for that! It seems we both have made the same mistake.

 

NC - let us heal, let them forget the anger and hopefully remember us in a more positive light.

 

good luck.

[drum4god]

She called me up, really sad, and told me she was really sorry, and she really does love me. She was thinking of me all day, and she said she wants to work at this. To be honest I was surprised, and I said lets work at this.

 

So let me have it. I know you guys are going to say, you are setting yourself up for more punishment, she is playing you, etc. I don't know. I love her, and the love always hopes. I am hopeful this will work.

 

Hopefully the next time on I'm on here It will be with happy news. I will keep you guys updated. Thanks for the replies.

[Scout]

It's not that I think she's intentionally playing you, I just think she's trying to force herself to feel something that's not there, and you're sort of forcing her to do this, too.

[drum4god]

It's not that I think she's intentionally playing you, I just think she's trying to force herself to feel something that's not there, and you're sort of forcing her to do this, too.

 

I disagree. I never force her to do anything. I have never begged her to be with me. I just wanted her to be straight up with me. When she broke up with me in January, she came back to me. I didn't call, e-mail, nothing. It was strict NC. She told me she had feelings. She told me she loved me. I have experienced it, I have seen it. Its just the times I don't is when I get confused.

 

Here is the thing. She knows I am not desperate. I am very attractive and feel I can get any woman I want. I really believe that. If she would leave me, it would hurt, but I would move on. She knows this.

 

I am not going to lie. I have worked hard to save this relationship. I have worked hard to communicate, but I never forced her to be with me. I never forced her to love me. I just want to know where I stand. I want to know why she is inconsistant. Is it fear, or is she just not feeling me. She could not answer that. I told her I can accept any answer.

 

So I don't know. I might be blind. But I really believe deep down she loves me. If I didn't I would be gone. I guess time will tell if I made a mistake. Hopefully I didn't.

[BONO]

 

I'm in a fog, but I will be strong. I won't beg, plead, or cry. I will just accept what she has to say........

 

 

Obviously she is probably going to tell me the same thing as last night, but she wanted to talk to me tonight. She did end the night telling me she loved me. So who knows. ](*,)

 

The problem I have is, what if she tells me she loves me and wants to work it out. How can I believe her. I don't know. This blows. Its seems like a no win.

 

I will let you know what happens. I am just going to be strong, and confident. I am prepared for anything.

 

 

 

Sorry DFG but I want to give a different angle.

 

I have the same sort of background as you - in terms of my GF broke up with me then asked me back after NC and following word for word the advice here. FACT

 

The past few weeks she has given me 3red flags.

 

Which given the fact that we agreed to make sure the reasons why we split up in the first place no longer apply and /or would not happen in the future that would lead to a break up - I have responded accordingly.

 

 

She asked me back and then gave me red flags. I told her to think about what she had said and how disappointed I was given our history and deep feelingd for each other.

 

I then withdrew. NC for 3 days. Then phoned her.

 

I basically explained that I took her back - but not on any price.

 

Yes it took a few days for her to realise that Iwas serious and more importantly was really ready to pull the plug.

 

 

I refuse to be dumped again because I did not communicate my needs and waited for the dumping. That in my book (only mine ) is emotional death, DFG.

 

You I take, are a believer in God ?

 

 

For God's sake believe in yourself mate b4 its too late.

 

 

Stand firm, she loves you. She loved how strong you were when you did NC. And now - you are waiting for her to make the decision. Sorry its my point of view, but I think that you need to make a stance and be stronger than her, thus ATTRACTIVE.

 

 

 

 

Scruff

[annie24]

Drum4god, I am sorry you are going through this again.

 

I have been in your shoes also, being broken up with for "lack of chemistry" despite the fact he said he really liked me, cared for me, was intensely attracted to me. When I tried to reason with him, he said, "It's not about what I want. It's about what I'm not feeling."

 

ie, I had all the qualities he wanted, but he said, "something was missing. the chemistry, the spark." ouch. but, fair enough. I mean, if you don't feel something, you don't feel something, and you can't force it.

 

like you said d4g - if she has so sit and think for more than a moment if she wants to be with you, especially after a year together, it's just not right.

 

I think that ladybugg and scout are right on.

 

at the end of the day, don't you think you deserve someone who is just as crazy about you as you are them? It's seemed, from your posts, for a long time that this relationship has not been balanced. ie, you are crazy about her, and she is on the fence.

 

if she is walking away, let her go. every couple has problems, and if she decided to walk away, as opposed to getting counseling, talking to a minister together, etc.... if she walked away, that is your final answer.

 

I would let her go gracefully. you deserve better and will find someone better once she is gone and you can open yourself up to the love you deserve.

 

good luck