I don't know which one of us isn't being understanding of the other

[xmrth]

Okay, wheeere to start... I basically see my boyfriend in his spare time on the weekends. He works a lot, and when he's not working, he's helping his 55+yr old dad build an addition on their house. So I see him Friday nights for about 1.5 to 2 hours, and see him Saturday nights for maybe 4-5, or more, and Sundays for maybe 2 hours or maybe 3.

 

And I understand he's tired, but I'm sick of staying in on the weekends cramped up together on my little bed, while he just SLEEPS. He's not lazy, he's built muscular/works out, tall, just... yeah. He's tired, I know. But I want to do things together. And us staying in my bedroom all the time isn't good for us... I get annoyed... I more often than not have a good time in eachother's company, but nights like this weekend have bothered me. We clash. He can't stand me, not just because of this, but it's not good for us to be in this room all the time.

 

Last night he came over at 6:00 and stayed until 12:30. 3 of those hours were spent awake, the rest he slept. We did NOTHING. We were SUPPOSED to go out for a nice dinner together but instead he ate at home because his mother was cooking. I understand the family time and things like that, but they're not hardcore 'we need a family dinner' kind of people-- and this has happened SEVERAL times before, including our ANNIVERSARY last year when we were supposed to go out for dinner! His mom just happened to cook that night, which she does several times a week. Am I unreasonable for being upset at that? I didn't have much else planned for the night-- it would have been something to get us the hell out of this bedroom and then come back, enjoy eachother's company, and then sure, go to sleep and I'll read a book for one of my classes.

 

I understand his father is old, but he's not decrepit and is kind of young-ish/old-ish, and I KNOW my boyfriend is needed, but we didn't do anything this fall (and we did -some- things this summer, but mostly not from this work) because of the addition on their house... we missed out on fairs, apple picking which would have been so silly and fun, walks in the parks to see the leaves turn... but he was kept in working on that. Anything, fun things we could LAUGH together doing and smile and have fun together, but instead has helped wear down on our relationship because we're not doing anything FUN, and we've been together 7 years just about so there's only so much to do that's fun cooped up in here. My feeling so disappointed kind of makes it hard here, too. And I try to get past it.

 

I just feel like all these weekends he's come over and not wanted to do anything and slept on my bed, which I CAN'T fit on with him because his upper body is in one section, with his lower on the other, so I'm like... gripping on for dear life because it's a twin. I feel like he should make it up to me somehow, but is that crazy?

 

He says he doesn't have to because why should he make up for helping his dad...

 

I'm just kind of feeling a little neglected. And I'd be lying if I said we never EVER do anything, but it's been months since we've really done much... even little things, just to get out of here. And I ABSOLUTELY come up with other ideas, but he almost never wants to do anything I suggest (which no, I don't have the best ideas, but they're things to do), and then says I never suggest anything. If it were the summer, it would be a little easier, but it didn't help much in the one that just passed.

 

Martha

[annie24]

I think that you should start getting more hobbies/friends of your own. I think your boyfriend will be more inclined to want to chase you down and take you out somewhere special if he sees you have a full life of your own. Get some more friends, have girls' nights with them. See how much your boyfriend's head spins when you turn him down for a saturday night of laying around the house together for getting margaritas with the girls.

 

I think your boyfriend is way too complacent and is taking you for granted. don't sit around waiting for him. go out and live your own life and make him wonder what you are up to.

[RayKay]

I think that you should start getting more hobbies/friends of your own. I think your boyfriend will be more inclined to want to chase you down and take you out somewhere special if he sees you have a full life of your own. Get some more friends, have girls' nights with them. See how much your boyfriend's head spins when you turn him down for a saturday night of laying around the house together for getting margaritas with the girls.

 

I think your boyfriend is way too complacent and is taking you for granted. don't sit around waiting for him. go out and live your own life and make him wonder what you are up to.

 

I agree with Annie.

 

He is taking you for granted; it's not about going out, but it does seem he does not value your time together.

 

Now, I can't say whether this will or will not change but in either case I think you do need to turn him down and go out on your own sometimes, maybe he will then start to see you do think your time is valuable and that you do not want to sit around watching him sleep. Sure, sometimes it is great to fall asleep together, but not EVERY time.

 

 

I also respect family is important to him, but after 7 years I should also hope he also considers you a very important part of his life too.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Martha - 7 years huh? WOW. That's quite a while.

 

Sounds like comfort to me. He's comfortable, complacent, secure, maybe a little bored.

 

There are a lot of books and articles about How to spice up a relationship etc.....but I think Annie's right. You need to find somethings to do outside of him so that while he's sleeping, you're not trying to hang on for dear life, clinging to something or someone that isn't going to help pull you up.

 

Not saying he's a bad guy or is doing anything wrong, just that you need to show him some how that you're not going to be waiting around.

[annie24]

yeah, when you want to go apple picking, or go to a fair, and he doesn't want to go for whatever reason, go by yourself or invite a friend! there is no reason you should be waiting around for him while he is doing other things. Afterall, he isn't waiting around for you.

[xmrth]

Actually... that's something I'm torn about because it was HE who wanted to do it with me, and I'm just so disappointed we couldn't because he had to do that with the house, and is still working on it with his dad. As simple of plans those were, I would have never thought of them.

 

I guess I just wish he'd say sorry, or maybe plan something BECAUSE he hasn't been much 'fun' lately. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not to be upset, but I am upset.

[annie24]

martha - as the saying goes, "we teach people how to treat us." you've taught him that it's ok to break plans with you, because you will always be there for him. I think he takes you for granted, he knows you're not going anywhere.

 

I really think that things will be better if you make more of your own plans, and surprise him by turning HIM down once in a while, because you have other stuff to do. you are 21, you should not be this bored.

 

I don't think he will apologize because he doesn't think he has anything to apologize for. he knows you aren't going anywhere. So, i think you should shake things up by getting less available. i think he will pursue you again and take your time more seriously.

 

Who is martha? I mean, what are your goals, interests, hobbies, outside of your boyfriend? There are times that I am concerned your identity is too intertwined with being "Martha - the girlfriend" as opposed to "martha the artist" or "Martha the student".

 

Did you ever do the excerise of what would you do if your boyfriend left you? how would you deal? what would you do?

[annie24]

here... a true story. I had been dating this guy in college for a short time. A group of us decided to go to a party hosted by the college rowing team. my boyfriend was mad at me about something (and I do admit, he had a right to be ticked). But, I spent the first hour of the night trying to talk to him and he didn't really want to talk to me. he was very passive aggressive like that. he just kept brushing me off.

 

Finally, after an hour of that, I just said to myself, "Fine. If he doesn't want to talk to me, then whatever. I am at a party with 50 handsome rowers, and surely one of them will want to talk to me." So, I went over and started dancing with another guy, and my boyfriend came up to me, grabbed my arm (gently!) and pulled me back to him. Then he finally started talking to me and we worked things out and had a great evening.

 

Now, you don't have to do anything as drastic as making a move on a college athlete But sometimes, just being a little less complacent and upset can really shake things up. ie, instead of getting upset, just be like, "ok, no worries, fix the roof with your dad. the girls and I are going out salsa dancing tonight." I guarantee that will make him a little less secure with you, and he will become far more attentive to your feelings and needs.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you didn't mention it outright, but is he coming over just for sex, then falling asleep afterwards? in which case he is REALLY taking you for granted, and using you for sex without trying to do other things that make you happy and build a good relationship.

 

i think it's great he helps his parents, but taking you to his mother's house for YOUR birthday is kind of cheap and inconsiderate. he does seem to have trouble saying no to his family, but seems to have no trouble at all saying no to you when it comes YOU to wanting to do something. so i would ask yourself where are you on his list of priorities, and he can certainly find time to do at least ONE thing you want to do a week, even if it means telling his mother he's not coming over for dinner that night. otherwise he's too immature, and has not separated enough from his parent emotionally to commit to a girlfriend.

 

so i think he is being selfish, or else just so used to your good nature that he thinks putting you at the bottom of the list is ok if someone else screams louder for attention...

 

so i would agree, speak up and tell him that you are his girlfriend, NOT some woman he just comes over to sleep with, and if he can't find more time for you and respect for you, then i would just go out and get your own life and let him decide whether he is willing to make you a priority or not.

 

sometimes men who don't want to put too much into maintaining a relationship will find a million excuses for not being there for you, for anything other than what THEY want to do with you, i.e., sex and catching up on his ZZZZs.

[xmrth]

but taking you to his mother's house for YOUR birthday is kind of cheap and inconsiderate.

 

It wasn't that at all, it was our anniversary last year and we were supposed to go out for dinner that night and he ate at home with his mother and whoever else in his family instead. I don't know if he did because it was a Friday and those are usually early nights, but since he's never said that, it probably wasn't unfortunately.

 

 

Annie I tried to think of what I would do, but without him all together makes me want to grip on. I thought about it a lot and ended up having a nightmare and then for an entire day I felt clingy and vulnerable because it was so real. But instead I think about what would be so bad if I cancelled plans on him, and things like that. And that helps, but I don't know... I really still do not have anything else too exciting to do without him. He constantly tells me to "get a life!" But I'm not this person who does nothing! I don't know what he wants; me to never ever be around? On the weekends after a week full of school and a full Friday and Saturday morning to afternoon of work, I look forward to relaxing with him and hoping to go out with him and do things together... I want to cancel on him or have better things to do, but there's just nothing. Everyone's got a boyfriend... I wanted to join things but now I am having an issue with money but on top of it, I really have no free time for a commitment I'm paying for other than school. I wish I could be disinterested in him easily.

 

 

Oh and sleeping after sex, BeStrongBeHappy, I don't know... this past Saturday he seemed to only because it was getting late, but I've definitely stopped feeling like I want to because of everything. I feel like I should let him know nothing's going on "tonight" ahead of time and see how that goes, and maybe say it again the next night. Lately I feel like he shouldn't have that part of me. And I wonder if that's just what he wants but I don't know... things in that area have been a way for years and years now so it's hard to analyze.

[annie24]

well, if HE'S telling you to "get a life" then that is definitely a sign! Like I said, that means just be a little more unavailable and busy. go out of town with a friend, go visit a family member, go out to dinner and a movie with the girls, etc....

 

I have lots of friends with boyfriends and husbands also, but they are always up for going out, doing stuff, even without their bfs around. why don't you call up your gfs and ask if they want to go to the mall with you, sans men? or go get margaritas without the guys?

 

ok, how about a different exercise. let's say that he went abroad for work, like 2 months, and you were not allowed to come along or visit. what would you do with those 2 months? oh yeah, and he is in a remote location so you can only talk to him on the phone 10 minutes a week. what else are you going to do? (I am maybe going abroad for work for a few months, and it is in the rules of this job that I am not allowed to bring a spouse or an SO or children with me. that's why this example popped up for me).

[jenny_mcs]

I really still do not have anything else too exciting to do without him. He constantly tells me to "get a life!" But I'm not this person who does nothing! I don't know what he wants; me to never ever be around? On the weekends after a week full of school and a full Friday and Saturday morning to afternoon of work, I look forward to relaxing with him and hoping to go out with him and do things together... I want to cancel on him or have better things to do, but there's just nothing.

 

I think the problem is that, yes, you have things in your life (school & work), but you look to him for all of the good/fun/relaxing times. It's like all the other things in your are stressful and/or bad, and you have him as the one good thing in your life. This is an incredible burden to place on someone.

 

When your bf tells you to "get a life" I suspect he means, please find some other sources of happiness in your life- I cannot take being the only source of your fun/happiness/enjoyment.

 

And I have to agree with him- you really need to find other things that make you happy, besides being with him.

[RayKay]

Yup, that statement is pretty indicative that he is feeling OBLIGATED to you, rather than genuinely being attracted to spending time with you because your an independent, fun, cool amazing person. And when someone feels obligated, well, they tend to take you for granted, not treat your time so valuably and be a bit resentful too.

 

I am not saying you aren't fun and cool, but you have lost yourself in this relationship - focusing on being the "perfect girlfriend" rather than the "fabulous and incredible Martha". I guarantee that people would rather be with the latter than the former, your boyfriend included.

 

You DO need to find other sources of fun, downtime, and so on other than him. It is imperative you do if you really DO want this relationship to be healthy and strong. That even means doing those things INSTEAD of seeing your boyfriend the same day every week! You are stuck in a routine, and in a "role" and it is going to destroy the relationship honestly.

[xmrth]

It's so hard for me to choose over him but I know it would make a world of difference if I began doing that. I feel like I'd be stupid to turn him down, just because I'd be closing my eyes to what's going on. I'd feel like he'd think I have no idea of anything, not that he'd do something terrible, but I feel like I have to constantly protect myself. It's that kind of feeling. Like in basically all cases it's not just all guys from what I've learned. Girlfriends are almost always with the guys, or at least some. So I feel like with him telling me that's not true, that why should I let him, it would be like letting him lie.

 

A problem going on right now is I swear he doesn't tell me everything. When I'm out with him and his friends I hear stories and I hear about where he's REALLY gone and who was really there, and what they all really did... And I confront him and he has no idea. So I feel like why should he do anything without me if he's going to think I have no idea. That kind of thing.

[annie24]

It's so hard for me to choose over him but I know it would make a world of difference if I began doing that. I feel like I'd be stupid to turn him down, just because I'd be closing my eyes to what's going on.

 

well, it's like you block off a night, and that is YOUR night. ie, thursday nights or the first friday of the month. ie, sign up for a dance class or a kickboxing class or whatever, and that's what you do on that night.

 

you need new friends. they sound horribly dull. or you need to encourage them to go out with you! like, say every first friday of the month, all the girls go out together to a new restaurant in town to try it out and hang out.

[jenny_mcs]

Annie has some good ideas. What about joining a club- my local chapter of the Sierra Club has tons of activities and get togethers. Or what about yoga? It's really addictive, plus a great stress reliever!

[Rabican]

Hes either taking you for granted, or hes just a couch potato.

 

Im having a somewhat similar problem with my girl... we just spend too much time at home for my taste. I like to be active, if it were up to me I would be out mountain biking 7 days a week. or jogging, or taking a walk in the park, or just sitting outside by the pool. Shes fine with me getting home from work, and us just spending the night on the couch!!! ahh sometimes I want to scream. Sometimes I love it though... so what to do.

[xmrth]

What I really don't understand is what happened last night... there were a few things going on, and one he genuinely didn't want to go to and the other he just replied with he wanted to stay in tonight. I do believe he was serious, but this just makes no sense. Or not 100% sense:

If I accepted an invitation last night with his friend's girlfriend, it's not that he would care I was with them, but then he'd have to go out someplace ELSE because it would "bother" him that I'm in the same town he lives in and out with like one of his friends and their girlfriend, in which he would end up going to the OTHER party if I did that. So why not us both go to one of them -together-?

 

I know he didn't want to in the first place, but to get him to go out is for me to go out... and we'd not even be going out -together- in that case because it would bother him to stay in, which makes sense but then why don't we finally do things together if he can only get it in him if I go out? And that's hard for me... I'd probably be okay as I'd be doing whatever but still.

[annie24]

I think you are missing the big picture. If you go out with others, you are cultivating friendships, hobbies, interests, etc.... And if you are out with others, his "need" to go out also stems from a touch of jealousy.... which is good!!!! so the next time he sees you, he will be more affectionate, want to be closer to you. Men like to miss us sometimes. give him a chance to miss you.

 

Just because you are both out for the night doesn't mean that you have to be out TOGETHER. After all, you aren't conjoined twins!

[xmrth]

That's exactly what I'm wondering! Is it any jealousy or wanting to be with me more that he'd be "bothered" (his description) by me going out and him being in that he'd have to find something to do... not that it would be hard for him, but also.. I think it's interesting how if I am out he'd be bothered to stay in on the weekend. And this voice inside is saying "wonder how I have felt?"

 

I think a big fear is of it backfiring... even though me going out and having my own life and developing more of a real life outside of him, will leave him enjoying his time apart from me. I know that would be like an answer, such as then maybe it's not meant, but still... I wish I could just dive into it and not have to worry. I'm afraid to... I'm too scared to really start, and even if I eased on in I'm still scared. I'm still only doing things when he's busy at work and whatnot, and not over the weekend OVER him.

 

My problem is that I really want to KNOW it will help... I believe it could but I'm too scared... I feel like I can tolerate and get over more in parts of life where he's not in them, but to choose over him is hard. I really have to... and it's sad because I've known it for so long I just can't get myself to though..

[RayKay]

Martha, maybe you need to look at it as too that what you are doing now is NOT working for you, or for the relationship or for how he sees you.

 

Foolishness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, right? So maybe....it is time to DO something different, take that risk and see what happens.

 

Honestly, if he decided he enjoyed being without you because you did that, the truth is he already knows that. It's not you taking charge of your life, and your time and standing up for yourself that is going to make the situation any "worse" than it is.

 

It will help YOU considerably, and it will help the relationship IF it really is a strong relationship and he is with you because he loves and respects you. If he is with you as you are just "there" when he feels like it, maybe it won't. But in that case, you deserve more than just "being there" and this would only help you in FUTURE relationships (as much as I know you don't like to think that way!).

 

Relationships are partnerships between equals. From an outside perspective Martha, it seems that your relationship is very imbalanced as to what HE wants, what HE feels, what HE thinks. That cannot continue on forever for either of you.

[xmrth]

It's true... I really have to just take the chance because what's going on now isn't helping matters.

 

We had a talk Tuesday night where he brought it up saying I'm "just getting worse," and how things need to stop going how they are and how he wants to be able to go out without me getting mad or upset and how it shouldn't be a problem.

 

He told me I'm pushing him away... which I didn't know he would outright realize himself... and how he thinks I'd lock our kids up (don't have kids now) and never let them go out which is waaaay not true. I feel like he thinks all these things of me that are just way off the mark... I kind of wonder if I come off worse than I am, or maybe I'm worse than I think?

 

I just know something has to change but I'm too scared to try, and feel like every choice I make has to be well thought out and almost proven the right step to take. Like what comes first-- probably going out on my own over him. I'm afraid to make plans and then back out... Everything seems like a good idea at the time when it comes to me doing something other than seeing him on the weekends. I almost feel like every time is the worst time; I can't handle it. It's too hard. It's way way too hard...

 

This whole past year to two years feels like limbo-- I'm just stuck and I have a lesson to learn and I have all these chances to grow but I'm too scared to try.

[melrich]

I think to an extent Martha he is twisting this around on you. If I am reading you coreectly, it is not that you don't want him to go out, it's just that you want to go with him? I think he is being quite disingenuous about that, quite manipulative.

 

However, you guys don't really have a relationship, not what I would classify as one anyway so I agree with the others in saying you need to shake things up a bit here. He is trying to break away from you and he is just working up the courage to do it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

someone told me something that was really helpful about getting 'unstuck' when you are paralyzed and afraid to make a change, but unhappy at the same time... it was 'If you keep doing what you've been doing, you're going to keep getting what you've been getting...'

 

so if you DON'T take some chances, then everything will stay the same (where you are both unhappy), or else just get worse. reading these posts makes me think that the two of you just aren't communicating very well, or not addressing the underlying problems, and the lightning rod becomes the one issue of togetherness vs. freedom.

 

it sounds like he basically wants to be free to do anything he wants, anytime he wants, and you just have to like it or else. and your response to this is to cling tighter and tighter because he is keeping himself independent from the relationship (i.e., his own desires are more important than building the relationship to him), so you are stuck in a vicious spiral.

 

i think at this point you have to start taking care of yourself and finding other support systems than him, because he isn't being too supportive, he is mostly off doing his own thing, with buddies, his parents, etc. when he does see you, he doesn't seem to want to do anything to please you, but to dominate the relationship to get what he wants from it at any given moment, and you are just along for the ride.

 

so i think clinging more tightly will just make him push away harder, and i am not even sure if this relationship is healthy for you at all. you need to be able to negotiate with a partner to get both your needs met, or else somebody is always unhappy, or both of you are.

 

i think you have to try to get some emotional distance from this, and back off and do things for yourself. you are so focused on him right now in a panic, that isn't good for you or him. you need a little cooling off period to get perspective, then i would think about what you really want from him, and try to negotiate some of that for yourself, and if he won't ever try to meet some of your needs, then you may not be compatible. if you keep clinging at this point, he will only use that as a bigger excuse to push you away, and blame you for his own neglect. no relationship can survive and be healthy when one person won't compromise and the other person smothers out of fear.