dating nice boys

[catgirl82]

hey guys, i need some dating advice!

a few weeks ago i met a REALLY nice guy. hes incredibly kind, hes funny, hes cute and i have fun with him. weve been dating for several weeks. the only thing that bothers me about him is that he's a little bit on the dorky side. i personally dont care (i actually like that about him) but im afraid what my friends will think (most havent met him yet). he's more on the quiet side and isnt all into partying and going wild. i want to be with somebody like that but im afraid that he wouldnt fit in with my friends/their boyfriends. i know this is stupid. this guy is good for me (ive dated lots of the "cool guys" who end up being jerks) and i know deep down that he is a keeper. how do i get over this stupid insecurity of mine?

[Lion-Guy]

Find new friends....joking

 

That is a tough one. As important as your friends are to you, it is more important that you are true to yourself and find someone that will work for you. You are dating the person, not your friends.

 

And if he is as funny, cute and nice as you say he is, who cares. You friends might like him more than you think.

[charley]

It'd be nice if your friends liked him, but it's not necessary that they like him. It's only necessary that you like him. Hey, he might not like your friends either.

 

You can do things with him separately from your friends. There's no requirement that you all hang out together. Besides, wouldn't hanging out as a group be more likely to turn this guy into a friend than a BF? Isn't being alone (just two of you) more romantic and intimate?

 

Personally, I try to keep my friends compartmentalized from each other, from my family, and if I was dating anyone, I'd try to keep that compartmentalized at least for a while. Why? Because I'm more interested in how I get along with each of these people than in how they get along with each other.

 

I don't want possible problems spilling from one person to another.

 

I'll give you an example. I get along fine with my dad, mom, or sister by themselves. However, once my sister or mom get together with anyone else, I'm immediately odd man out. I for sure don't want any GF meeting my mom or sister to soon. My mom would start picking me apart telling me why I'm not good enough for the GF. My sister would start picking the GF apart telling me why she's not good enough for me. My dad would be fine and he's the only family member I'd want meeting a new GF. I know my family and I know their group dynamics and I work around them by keeping a new GF far away as long as possible.

 

With friends who don't already know each other, and/or including a BF or GF in the mix, the group dynamics are totally unpredictable.

 

For example, I have a lady friend who is married. So she should have no interest in me romantically, and she has none that I know of. Yet she always automatically dislikes and starts running down any woman I show any interest in romantically. So if I was dating anyone, I'd keep my GF away from this lady friend. Yet my friend is still a good friend. I just don't want her around a GF.

 

For another example, 13 years ago I had a first date with a girl who like to play board games. That works better with more people. So I arranged to have a couple friends play with us. She and my best guy friend ended up falling for each other that night. They dated beyond my back for a couple days. Then they told me. That really sucked.

 

So I learned that I don't need to have a GF around my friends or family, or at least not certain friends and not certain family members. They might not like each other, or worse, they might just be crazy for each other and I get dumped.

 

I'd suggest doing things with your BF separately from your friends (and maybe family too) until both you and this guy figure out how much you like each other and have an established relationship that can withstand meeting your friends and/or family. Then, if some friends and/or family members don't like the guy, or he doesn't like them, then so what? They don't have to hang out together. However, I do think it's best to keep them apart until you are comfortable and established in your relationship.

 

P.S. - It sounds to me like you and your BF guy are more mature than your friends. thereforeeee, as time passes, you'll likely find this guy more and more to your liking. Also, as time passes, either your friends will eventually mature, or you'll get sick of them if they don't. This mature BF guy sounds like he's got longterm potential.

[amtjrtcet]

i want to be with somebody like that but im afraid that he wouldnt fit in with my friends/their boyfriends. i know this is stupid. this guy is good for me (ive dated lots of the "cool guys" who end up being jerks) and i know deep down that he is a keeper. how do i get over this stupid insecurity of mine?

 

My b/f doesn't fit in with my g/fs boyfriends. For a different reason. He's black and we live in redneckville AL.

But my g/fs love me and I love him so its ok. We do our own thing, but if theres a party or something they accept him. (and they'd better)

 

Don't let him slip away b/c of what other people may think. Because at the end of the day only "you" are truly worried about "you" and your happiness. Your g/fs boyfriends opinions shouldn't matter. And your g/fs should support you.

[Beec]

If he is not worth parading in front of your friends, to you, then frankly you are not worth dating.

[itsallgrand]

Ugh. Insecurity?

 

You value what others think more than what you yourself think, even though it is your life?

 

I'd say that is real troublesome problem, and not just with dating. Your spine is rubbery.

 

You could always be upfront with him about it and let him make his own choice. See if he wants to stick around for a girl who is afraid of being ashamed of who he is.

 

Ugh.

[Dating Coach]

If you were a saleswoman, and had to impress your clients, then of course you'd want to adhere more to their tastes because what they think actually affects your livelihood.

 

Your relationship... that has nothing to do with them and just yourself. In such circumstances, who cares what your friends think? If they are friends they won't care.

[flower99]

Find new friends....joking

 

That is a tough one. As important as your friends are to you, it is more important that you are true to yourself and find someone that will work for you. You are dating the person, not your friends.

 

And if he is as funny, cute and nice as you say he is, who cares. You friends might like him more than you think.

Totally agree with this.

 

 

I felt the same when I began dateing my bf, now finacee. He's nothing like my friends or there bfs. But that's okay....because just like you. I wanted someone like that!!! That is a keeper. Someone you can build a family with, someone who makes you smile & you love being with.

 

And the truth is, I've been with my bf for 2 years. by this point all of my friends & thier bf are broken up. And Honestly at the start of my relationship a couple of my friends admitted to me..they wondered what I saw in him....but once they got to know him...They said I'm lucky to have him. I am

 

a friend will see if he makes you happy & that he is wonderful to you & for you

 

A good person will see that he is a good person regardless of whether he is like them.

[Mr.Mister]

Find new friends....joking

It's not really that bad of a suggestion. Friends should like you no matter who you are with. Plus, your special someone should be (or hopefully will become) your best friend. Just forget about what your friends say and just love your guy!

[Lion-Guy]

Plus, your special someone should be (or hopefully will become) your best friend.

 

Yes, but this can be dangerous.

 

What happens when you break-up with your lover AND your best friend. Then you have lost two important things and have few friends.

 

Keep your friends. You will need them when on the bumpy road to recovery shall, something not work out.

[JimmerJammer]

Are people so expendable that they can be tossed aside when things don't go well? Or do we just expect things now adays to work and when we get problems we don't have the patience for it and look for the next thing that doesn't give us trouble. Or is it really just always going to be that way? Does that darken the cloud around relationships or provide a key to unlocking true potential?

 

Your guy I'm sure is a keeper and it sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders by the way you describe him. Only his problem is engaging people it seems, if you're saying you think he won't fit in with his friends its probably because he's too shy to listen to them. People won't always say its a skill, but knowing how to talk to people is. From what I've learned you don't have to date people your friends approve of because they're only projecting what they'd go for and not YOUR personal taste. If they reject your taste in men then its because its not someone they'd choose, but why care what they'd want? Do you want to be them or like them? Or simply to end up with someone that fits in with all your friends?

 

A previous poster mentioned how it'd be bad to ditch your friends for new friends for the sake of this guy in case things don't go well and you end up with nothing. Well think of it like this, say he DID fit in with your friends and that same situation came up where you two broke up, you two are now friends with the same people and wanting to see them while the other sees them can create unwanted tension. I eventually had to lose my old friends because of this very reason and now I introduce my friends to my partner, but we don't gotta hang out all the time in a group. If your friends are respectful, they should understand that this guy will mean a lot to you and should keep their judgements to themselves. You don't gotta hang out all the time, but if he's serious and you're serious well then he won't be out of the picture anytime soon.

 

What's more important to you anyways? That your friends approve of your man or that you care for each other?

[Batya33]

I can relate, in this way. First, if you are worried so much what your friends will think, think again if perhaps it does worry you that he is dorky. If that does not worry you at all, this is what I suggest. When you walk in with him on your arm act "as if" you are with the most amazing man alive. Not in a show-off way at all - but when you introduce him say it with presense and confidence. Show your friends (again subtly - not show-offy) that you are proud to be with him. They will start to wonder if he is awesome in bed, etc when they see you quietly beaming beside him.

 

And - oh well I will get flamed for this. . . . I think it is ok as a woman to give a dorky guy some gentle pointers on how to dress/groom - gentle suggestions about dress code and style. Buy him what you would prefer him to wear and if he doesn't like it, return it, no problem. Most men have thanked me for fashion-related suggestions and I silently thank my bf's exes for buying him such nice clothes and taking him shopping.

 

As for the rest of them - those who make comments about your bf - lose them as friends. Fast.

[Salucious]

I can't speak from experience as being a boyfriend in this situation, but I know what it is like to try and get along with people who are more outgoing, like to party and go wild; while I was more shy and liked to do easy-going things other than partying. For the most part, I never became best friends with those kinds of people. But did they like me? yes, we got along fine. You're friends can't be partying 24/7 and you said your BF has fun; there should be enough middle ground for them to get along. Unless you need them all to be very best friends then I wouldn't worry so much about it.

[catgirl82]

thank you guys for your advice. i think i am thinking about things a little too much (i tend to do that alot). my friends care about my happiness more than anything, so i know things will be fine.

 

itsallgrand- wow, that was quite a harsh comment. no, i am not ashamed of who he is. im sorry if it came accross that way. he is what i'm looking for, which is why i am dating him. my concern was how he will mesh with my friends. he might mesh perfectly for all we know.

please dont call me spineless, thank you.