she cheated on me

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

On Wednesday night my gf cheated on me. She slept with another man. I am 24, she is 19. We have been together for 2 years. We were out together on Wednesday night, at the cinema. After, I dropped her home at about 11.20. I asked if I could come in for a bit, and she said she was tired and she just wanted to go straight to bed. This caused a slight, very little argument, because i really didnt see the problem with coming in for 5 mins, you know, for a quick cuddle and kiss. We are usually really close and this wouldnt have been a problem. Anyway, after sending me away, I drove home alone. Then she called me to say sorry. It was a nice phone call, she said sorry if she takes me for granted sometimes, thanks for taking me to the cinema, and at the end she made kissing noises down the phone, and I felt great. I really felt loved. Little did I know, less than 3 hours later she would be shagging someone else. I found out on Friday, while she was in the shower, i read the text messages on her phone. She had messages to and from "natalie", saying stuff like "cme round now x x" at 2am Wed night/Thurs morn. I confronted her and she admitted it. She told me she was unfaithful to me on Wednesday night. My world fell apart, my heart broke. She couldnt tell me why she did it. At first I shouted at her and was just shaking and i was furious, but i didnt kick her out, after a long talk, we agreed to break up, I said how could i possibly trust her again after this. We even ended up sleeping together that night. The thing is, as much as i should hate her guts, I dont. I feel like an idiot, but I still love her so much. This came completely out of the blue. We were getting on so well. 2years together and i was having thoughts of being married with this girl, starting a family one day, i was and still am completely head over heels in love with this girl. I have made her my whole life, she is my world. She said that lately she has been having second thoughts about us. She just moved about 20 miles away from me about a month ago, to study at uni. I visit as much as I can, Wednesday nights and every weekend. Already, after a month at uni, this has happened. I broke up with her because she cheated, but i still love her and miss her so much. I want to get back with her. Even after what she done, the ultimate betrayal, I really love her still. My heart is broken, and i dont know what to do. Would it be a mistake to try to save the relationship, or should i just let her go? How could i ever trust her again after this? What should i do?

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

Hey well i wouldnt trust her after that and yeah

 

And she is nineteen she is gonna prob waana go out and party while she's still young and so she may not wanna plan marrige yet so maybe take some days of from thinking about her and see how that goes ok? good luck

[confused70]

I would stay broken up. You will spend the next two years not trusting her - reading her text messages, emails, etc.. Especially being so far away and seeing her infrequently.. You deserve better. I dont think nice guys finish last, but they DO get taken advantage of.

[Caterina]

This decision is yours. You know her better then we do. It seems as though you can't trust her...I am really sorry this happened...perhaps you need time to heal from this. Her age doesn't really have to do with how faithful she'll be, I wouldn't think. If you thought her mature enough to date, then she's mature enough to know that cheating is wrong. I've dated eighteen year olds before and I'm also twenty four.

[robowarrior]

Bottomline is :

 

YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH A LIAR!

[yeawutever]

Damn, what a piece of waste, drop her sooo fast. I'm 19 and in a relation but exploring what's out there does NOT mean sleeping around. If I wanted to explore I would be jogging, going to fair, etc. other activities but not go flying off some other dude.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Whoa.

 

You are totally right to dump her. I hate to say it, but if she had been expressing doubt about your relationship, you kinda..it was inevitable. Not your fault at all, but you had the signs there.

 

I suspect she did it to give a definite incident to break up over rather than all this vague, heartbreaking indecision. Well..she's certainly made it more cut and dried now, so she achieved her objective.

 

Don't sleep with her. I'd advise NC from this point forward...indeed, why should you waste anymore time with a cheater?

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I went back and read your threads from June and this has been a problem then as well. Technically, I do not think she cheated on you this past summer because you two had been broken up but I can see why you felt cheated.

 

But this situation is totally different....she did cheat on you. So, I would not take her back for the second time, she apparently does not value commitment or integrity. IMO, she is too young. She is 19 and you are 24 which means she was 17 when you met her. Too young my friend. It is my belief people whom get into the likes of someone younger it taking a big risk when it comes to being romatically involved. You two are in different life stages right now. She wants to party and feel her oats while you want something more serious, more genuine.

 

I know you still love her and perhaps still in shock. But she does not love you my friend. No one whom loves his/her partner would do this. My advice is NC, perhaps dating women in your age range and start taking care of you. I am so sorry this happened. I know it hurts bad. Hang in there.

[puppeteer]

dude...she's way too young.

 

people nowadays don't settle into who they are for themselves until mid to late twenties...

 

even you, at 24, have some growing to do.

 

best advice...move on...find someone your age to date for while...learn what you need to learn and see where that next relationship gets you.

 

this girl needs to be free to do as she will...to learn what she needs to...so she can decide who she is and wants to be.

 

and that'll take some years.

 

don't cause yourself any undue pain and frustration. you can't make her into what you want...and you certainly can't tell her who she is.

 

now is not the time for you and her. it may never be...

 

end it. move on.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

the thing is she is still a teenager, and is entering college and she is probably wanting to experience that life without commitment... it was wrong of her to cheat without talking to you and breaking up first, but you are five years older than she is, which is a lot at that age because you are at different points your lives in terms of school, work, wanting to settle down etc. she may not have had the maturity to admit she wanted to break up with you, but cheating on you is a BIG sign she is not ready to be your one and only, regardless of any other circumstances...

 

it sounds like she has made up her mind to move on and experiment with other people, i would not try to focus on wanting to marry her or recommit to her etc. when she is definitely not in the mood for even a commitment to a steady boyfriend.

 

so if you don't feel closure, i would try to talk things out with her a bit more since breaking up in the flush of anger and betrayal can leave some stuff unsaid that needs to be said. let things calm down a bit, then maybe try to get some closure on it, but ultimately it may be her decision that she doesn't want anyone as a steady right now, regardless of how much you like each other. you should probably try to move on and get busy with other friends, especially ones closer to your age, or at least the same phase of life as you are in now.

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

Thanks for all of your advice. Not one of you suggested that i stay with her. Well, i feel like a mug, but, i took her back. Things arent the same. She promises me she loves me, but if she really loved me she would have never have done what she did. I couldnt believe how devious and deliberately deceitful she could be, I mean this is my princess, my angel, my love. I find myself constantly thinking about suspicions i have had in the past and brushed them off, because i really couldnt believe she could be capable of doing such things. Now I cant help thinking she has done this before. The day after it happened she was so cheerful and bubbly, you really wouldnt have suspected a thing. I have never cheated on any girlfriend i have ever had ever, and i always thought that if i did i would never be able to hide it. But, this has been well hidden from me with a cover of smiles and niceties. She admitted if i hadnt found out then she would never have told me. So, when we are together I am constantly plagued by thoughts of her with other men, and even when we are not together i feel depressed and think about it still. I need to trust her for this to work, but how can i trust someone who turned out to be so very untrustworthy? Things arent the same anymore. On the surface, yeah we act like we are really trying to make it work, but i think we are overcompensating for the inevitable. Believe me, if i was reading this about someone else, I would say: "Dude, get a grip and get the hell outta there! This woman is the devil. You would be much better off without her." But, you know, its not someone else, its me. And without her i would be so lonely. I have alienated all my friends and made her my whole life. I really dont want to lose what we've got, well, had. I guess thats why I took her back, through fear of being alone. I mean, who wants to be alone? I dont. But then again, who wants to be with a lying, cheating b!tch either? I need some help, so i turn to you. Please help

[kellbell]

I would rather be alone than be with a cowardly, lying cheater. I know lonliness can be the pits but I think this boils down to how you feel about yourself. If you had respect for yourself, you would not tolerate this BS. So in that sense, because you do not value yourself, you are not ready to be in a serious relationship with anyone. So, before worrying about being in a relationship, I would take the necessary steps to improve your outlook on yourself. Because if you do not, you will continue to attract people like her instead of women whom are honest and geniune.

[yeawutever]

I would want to be only, prefer that one thousand times better than stuck with a cheater and lying jerk, yuck.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

this relationship was probably not healthy before the cheating if you were willing to give up all your friends and thought of her as an 'angel' and some kind of romantic fantasy...

 

that is putting all your emotional eggs in one basket, which is not good for you, and you have not been looking at her realistically if you are idolizing her rather than see her as a human being who has both good qualities and flaws, which all of us do have... but unrepentent cheating is such a serious flaw that there is no way to consider this girl your angel ...

 

such obsession is very hard to break, since you have made her the center of your world, but i would suggest counseling for yourself to understand why you would drop all your friends for her, and why you are trying to get back with her when she has cheated on you and basically told you she wants to play around, and will never tell you if (when) she does this again.

 

it is hard to break up, but it will be harder still to stay in a relationship with no friends and a girl who seems to have no guilt about cheating... trying to trust her is most likely a waste of time, because she *shouldn't* be trusted based on this behavior and the fact that she apparently doesn't feel too bad about what she did to you, and hence could do it again any time she feels like it.

[dimstar]

I can relate to what you are going through. When I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, I convinced myself I needed to get out. When she started to pack her stuff, I paniced and asked her to give us a try again. It's been rocky between us since then, with me constantly wondering what she is doing when she goes out, or who she is talking to on the phone.

 

What has your girlfriend done to ensure she will never cheat on you again? I have done so much for my girlfriend, treated her so well that I think she finally understands what she has to lose if she continues with her nonsense behaviour. She has even willingly shown me her MSN and phone history to ensure me she's not talking to any guys. She tells me all the time now she doesn't want to hurt me and especially doesn't want to lose me.

 

If your relationship is based on true love, I do believe you can work through this but it's her that needs to make a stronger effort.

[hateithere]

If you love her, tell her you just want to see other people, but still be together. She is young and obviously isn't ready to just be with you. When you go off to college you meet so many new people. I was with my guy for two years, and I cheated on him, I told him I was ready for so many things that at the time I wasn't ready for... now we are married... not so long after either. College is a bad influence... maybe you could talk her into online classes. If you start seeing someone else she will realize how much she cares for you and wants to be with you,and she will have to just be with you if she can't handle you being with other people too. I know you don't want to be with anyone else, just fake it, it will freak her out!! good luck!

[puppeteer]

ok...never listen to this person ever.

 

just fake it...that's exactly what he needs to do is play childish mind-f*ck games...

 

dear lord....

[MessedUpInHead]

IF SHE CAN CHEAT THAT EASILY, SHE'LL DO IT AGAIN!!!

 

She only 19, MATURITY hasn't hit her yet about future and all that...you'll be back her in less than 6 months crying again that you found out she did it again!

[chickenfrancese]

I have alienated all my friends and made her my whole life.

 

This is part of your problem. Both of you guys are IMO too young to be in an exclusive relationship. I mean, she kinda already proved that to you, right? I know it feels scary to think of losing someone that was a part of your life for quite a while but she is like a cancer to you - you gotta cut her out. Reconnect with your buddies and rediscover bachelorhood. Think of it like a homework assignment. Force yourself to do it. In time it will make the pain of what she did to you ease up. But do not continue with her.

[nmbrc193]

yea my girlfriend did the same thing to me man.i dont kno about u, but one minute i want her back cuz i stil love her...then the next i hate her for wat she did. I would say let her go. Cuz if yous did get back together how could you trust her again? it would be really tought to be secure in relationship with her after that.she may have not even told you if you didnt look at her fone.Its your decision you kno wat is right deep down.good luck

[Emmylu]

Chances are, you will find someone better and probably quite soon. Believe me, the love you feel for her now, you will feel again, only stronger, for your future wife. No one wants to be lonely. But staying with her prevents you from being completely available for the real woman you're supposed to be with. Shouldn't you leave this cheater now, for your future true love ?