Me and my shallow relationship

[confused25]

I've been together with my bf for about a little bit over 1.5 years but I feel as if that there's "something" missing in our relationship. He moved to a different city an hr away about a year ago so we only get to see each other on the weekends. We don't talk on the phone much (mainly because I'm not a big phone person), but we do regularly email and text each other during the week. But lately I've been feeling like when we do get together, we just do things that will continue to make this relationship "function" . . . it's as if all the passion is gone and that we're just doing things to "get by". Like when we watch TV together or eat out, sometimes we would do that in complete silence, or we'd talk about mundane stuff like what's been happening in our lives. But I feel like as if we are really not engaging in a serious or deep conversations like the other couples do. I feel like our relationship is so . . . shallow, and that we don't really have something that we both feel strongly about that bonds us together. I think one problem might be that I am very bad with communication and that I often find it tough to express my emotions freely in front of him. I think that makes him feel very frustrated at times. Sometimes I just wish that I could just open myself up to him and pour my heart out but I don't know what is pulling me back from doing that. We've already broke up once because of this and I had made promises to him that I would improve but little has changed. It's not that I don't want to, but rather I don't know how to. I love this man very much and I'd like to be with him for the rest of my life but sometimes I'm just scared of losing him. What can I do? In your opinion, could this relationship be saved?? I've been feeling so sad and depressed lately and I don't really have anyone to turn to. And I'm just hoping that someone here would be able to offer some feedback on my situation.

[-JC-]

Hi there! Well this might not help, but reading this kind of makes me feel better. My girlfriend of 3+ years is this exact same way and it is very difficult for me to deal with. I am very open with how I am feeling and what I am thinking, especially expressing my love and devotion. I can talk for hours about my feelings and what is in my heart, and I know that there are so many women who wish to have this. But her problem is that she really cant explain why she isnt open, to her it is just hard. She has seldom talked about feelings, wrote e-mails that really explained how she feels, but this would only happen at times where I was really hurting. We had broken up for a month because I started to push her away. I really wish I could tell you what to do but I want answers as much as you do. I dont know your relationship, but I can imagine your boyfriend is in pain, and you being emotionally distant will hurt the relationship. Do things for him that really show you care, and they can be small. Maybe write "I love you" on a little note, and sneak it in his pocket. It really is the small things that count.

 

Dont try too hard to look for answers, or lost feelings. If you know you love him, let him know in subtle ways if it is hard for you to express those feelings.

 

Good Luck, and if you dont want to lose him, you dont have to, a little effort goes a loooooong way

[finewhine]

Now is the time to do some serious soul-searching. You've described a mutually unfulfilling situation. Could it, perhaps, not be your fault and have something to do with incompatibility? Only you can determine this.

 

I understand you -want- to save this relationship, but some relationships shouldn't be saved. Since you see him so infrequently, you have ample time to give this some serious thought. Think about what your life would be like without him. Think about who you are and what you need. That will give you a better idea of whether or not you should stay in a relationship that's making you unhappy.

[rose2summer]

Sometimes I think our body has a protective measure built in.

 

When my recent relationship ended, I pulled away very quickly.

 

He noticed it and then he pulled away and it plummeted.

 

Looking back, I did it on purpose because I wanted an out.

 

Maybe you just want to be out of this relationship, it's not right for you.

 

That could be the very reason you don't open up, is he isn't the man for you.

 

Hugs, Rose

[VeganBohemian]

OH MY GOD! This is the EXACT same thing that has been happening to me!!!!! I have no real response other than you are most certainly not alone.

 

My advice to you is to express what you have just told us...to him. Tell him you have difficulty expressing yourself. He told you last time that he DOES want you to, right? Then do it! Don't worry about what he will think or what he will do...just tell him. You will regret not doing so.

 

I hate it when my boyfriend and I are in complete silence in restaurants...I feel as though we aren't even together. Also, when we have to force conversations. It is usually because of me, so I cannot really voice any kind of complaint because it is usually my own doing.

[Siriana]

Possible reasons for feeling that relationship is shallow:

1. Distance: how can you have everyday problems that lead to serious discussions in a relationship when you don't live the relationship every day but just on weekends. (I wrote this comment based on my opinion that LDR don't function long term if in some point of time partners don't choose to be at the same place)

2. Some guys might think you are cold and distanced, and some guys might find you too much attention seeking. Some guys might find you just perfect.

One of my ex'es tought that I don't share enough of my toughts. The fact was we were not on the same length - so he didn't understand my way of sharing, neither I understood his.

My current bf is similar too me so we don't have that problem.

3. Silently eating dinner or sitting at the coffie place just by beeing quiet is good for me - if you find that silence comfortable - and that depends on how comfortable you are with a person who is with you. The best fun for me is when me and my bf sit in caffe and we read newspaper we find there.

[VeganBohemian]

I usually only see my boyfriend on weekends because of school...but we are not in a long distance relationship. He lives 15 minutes from me. I find that kind of offensive to think we are not functioning correctly.

[Siriana]

But my comment wasn't about your situation. Confused 25 lives in different city an hour away. And also I stated my opinion about LDR, and I put an emhasis on the fact that is my opinion.

If you asked me my opinion on your situation I would say something completely different.

[markfromark]

my situation is similar as in my girlfriend is not used to share her emotions. It is driving me crazy at times and either I will get used to it or she starts to open up. That's how I see it.

 

About silence: many years ago I saw an interview with Pavarotti. They asked him about the recent marriage of his daughter and he told the interviewer that he asked her only one question: Can the two of you just be silent with each other?

 

I always remembered that when I felt uneasy sitting with my wife in a restaurant not talking to her. It's a bit of an introvert thing as well I think.

[rocio]

You might want to spend more time talking to him on the phone, as much as you dislike it (I understand. I have a phobia of phones)

I find the more often I talk to someone, the more I have to say. It becomes easier.

[babypink61]

Thanks for the great feedback everyone! It's nice to know that I'm not alone on this . . .

 

Here are some of my thoughts after reading everyone's posts . . .

 

I truly believe that this relationship is worth fighting for because he really is good to me. He is caring, understanding, a good listener, inteligent, funny, trustworthy, and the list goes on. But we do clash on certain things such as our communication styles. He's a very emotional person and when a problem surfaces, he's the type who would want to discuss it openly right away in order to have it resolved. Me, on the other hand, needs time to think about it and let it soak in before voicing my opinions. He's aware of this and we've been trying very hard toether to accommodate for each other's communication differences. But I do know that he's looking for something more from me on a emotional level . . . something perhaps that I am not even capable of achieving, and that sometimes scares me. I hate to admit it but sometimes I could be a very insecure person. When we sit alone together in silence I'm always wondering what he's thinking and let my paranoia getting the best of me. I do want to be with this guy but I don't know if he feels the same way. I can see the frustration in his eyes and that hurts me. Lately he has really been distant and I think I can sense that something is not right about him. I'm driving to his place tonight to spend the weekend with him . . . maybe it's a good time to bring this up and see what is on his mind? I am scared to find out the truth . . .

[VeganBohemian]

Please just say SOMETHING to him. He wants you to. Maybe he isn't saying anything because he knows you are very insecure.

[Siriana]

Well of course you have to talk with him, unless he has a talent for reading minds!