How to solve ANY relationship conflict!

[Scout]

Well...maybe, anyway. But this piece of advice I recently read struck me as absolutely brilliant.

 

Do you and your significant other have one nagging issue that just won't go away? Is it impossible for you two to talk about it without the conversation deteriorating into accusations, hurt feelings, and finally a frustrated silence where you STILL haven't resolved the issue?

 

Try this!

 

Each of you argue you the other's side for them! Yep, pick three to five reasons that would justify your significant other's reasons for their position. Then, they do the same in return.

 

What does this accomplish? First and foremost, it's the actual tool that puts you both in each other's shoes.

 

And then that creates the mutual empathy needed to come up together with the decision you can both happily live with. It may be a compromise, or it may be a decision that echoes on of the party's original stances on the matter.

 

The important thing is, it will be a decision you both reached together based on agreeing it was the most sensible one to make. Rather, than one partner angrily giving in and secretly holding resentment about it. Or, the issue never getting resolved at all and staying in your relationship like the proverbial big pink elephant in the room everyone is trying to pretend doesn't exist.

 

And who knows...it could also generate some much-needed laughter and warm feelings as you try this exercise out!

[DaDancingPsych]

Nice thought! I think that's where most of us fault... we don't think through the other's side. Thank you for sharing this!

[coollady1957]

This sounds like great advice. It could certainly shed new light on the other persons position , by engaging in this activity.

[freedom]

if both are honestly unselfish and will honestly try. Yeah it would work great. IF. most of the time people are selfish

[Dilly]

I love this idea. Sometimes I find though that it requires a very cooperative partner, one who is willing to do that without saying, I don't see your perspective ...

 

Still, for a mature couple, this tool will provide a successful intervention.

[justpaisley]

That's really interesting! Might not work when you're right in the moment of arguing about it, but if it's a constant battle, it seems like it'd really help.

 

Thanks for the info!

[Scout]

Maybe couples could practice this technique first with some smaller issues, the ones that aren't even really a source of conflict, just the couple differs on a bit.

[Fallout]

Wow, that does seem like a great idea...the kind that makes you think "how come I didn't think of that?"

[Dako]

My ex and I used a similar tactic. We'd stop in mid-rant and start telling the other how to win the argument. It got weird, but we did tend to empathize. We still do it.

[shikashika]

This is a great piece of advice, not only regarding relationships, but also regarding work conflicts, relations with family and friends and trying to understand people in the world, politicians and why on earth they have some of the belifes they do..

 

I have often thought about doing this...but my mouth is too quick for my sensible thoughts!

[Meow18]

Thanks, Scout! Every couple argues, or disagrees at times. So this is an interesting technique in solving conflicts. It's a great way to see the other person's side and a great step in understanding how they feel, which in my opinion is the most important thing needed to solve issues.

[HellFrost666]

This is a good idea, but am I the only one thinking it would be harder then it sounds?

[Stambler]

Yes, I'll try that the next time my wife tells me she isn't in love with me and wants a divorce.

[Scout]

We tried this at our session a while back (couples therapy). Excellent idea, although my significant other was not willing to play fair. You can lead a horse to water, but....

 

Scout, you have good suggestions. How would one involve their partner in this exercise?

 

Mine generally feels he does no wrong, or has zillions of ways to justify not co-operating in an exercise like this. I am open to any suggestions.

 

Hey Rodeo-Rider...I think your husband's resistance to the idea might be a pretty common feeling. Let's face it, it's a risk. You have to be sure your partner won't take your points backing them up and then hold them over your head, for one thing.

 

So, even if your husband is guilty of doing that himself (you said he didn't play fair), here are some suggestions...

 

1) Right off the bat, promise him YOU won't do that to him. And mean it! Just ignore it if he does that to you. (someone's gotta be the bigger, braver person in these scary exercises!)

 

2) Try it out first on really small issues. If necessary, let your husband pick the issues, the ones he feels "safe" about. You see, if your husband has a fear of the possibility of being wrong, or letting someone else have their way, the best way to overcome that fear (and really any fear) is to become acquainted with it. In your husband's case, you probably will have to gradually introduce this concept, lol.

 

3) Also, see if you can get your kids to do this with you, in front of your husband. (Kids are so much braver than adults when it comes to trying things like this!) You and one of your kids (actually, I don't know if you have kids...if you don't, a niece? Nephew?) pick a topic/issue you've previously disagreed about. Try this exercise in front of your husband. Maybe if he sees others doing it first without horrible consequences, he'll become intrigued.

[Scout]

Yes, I'll try that the next time my wife tells me she isn't in love with me and wants a divorce.

 

I'm sorry, Camber. I know you're really struggling right now with your marital problems.

 

Yeah, this exercise is one that should probably be applied before a relationship gets to such a crisis point. The earlier, the better, to establish mutual respect and empathetic communication.

[Scout]

This is a good idea, but am I the only one thinking it would be harder then it sounds?

 

Oh, absolutely! It's always hard for people to admit they might be wrong or see the other person's side. That's why we have so much conflict in the world...between people and between countries.

 

But since constant arguing seems to do more damage - rather than resolve conflict - it seems a more innovative solution is called for!

[Lanana]

that's a very good way to see things- it makes it less of a big thing when you laugh and love and try hard to win each other's hearts through empathy and understanding

[HellFrost666]

Maybe Bush and Bin Laden should try this, lol

 

Oh, absolutely! It's always hard for people to admit they might be wrong or see the other person's side. That's why we have so much conflict in the world...between people and between countries.

 

But since constant arguing seems to do more damage - rather than resolve conflict - it seems a more innovative solution is called for!

[Stambler]

Scout,

 

Just a bit of sarcastic humor! Hope you don't mind, but I saw your thread and thought - yea, that'd work... "Honey, I'd like to be you and tell me why you hate me so much!!!!"

[Yvette84]

but how would it work in MY situation?? we always argue about his procrastination.....I honestly can not think of any reason why he would procratinate?? so I don't know how I could try this...

[Meow18]

but how would it work in MY situation?? we always argue about his procrastination.....I honestly can not think of any reason why he would procratinate?? so I don't know how I could try this...

 

Maybe because he would be leaving his friends and family? Maybe because it's a big risk? Maybe he doesn't really believe he can afford it?

 

He's never given you one reason as to why he's procrastinating?

 

 

 

 

This exercise isn't about what you want the other person to be thinking. It's about putting yourself completely in the other person's position and thinking about why they feel the way they do.

 

Feelings aren't something that are right or wrong.. if the other person is feeling a certain way, then they are feeling that way for at least one reason.

 

It will never work if you don't try to put yourself in their position and really think about their side of it..

[Fallout]

My ex and I used a similar tactic. We'd stop in mid-rant and start telling the other how to win the argument. It got weird, but we did tend to empathize. We still do it.

 

 

Well Dako that's not quite an argument in favor of this theory since she is your ex after all

[Scout]

Yvette, why don't you do some research on procrastination? There are countless articles on the Internet that talk about the reasons behind it. I know, because I'm a procrastinator!

 

From what I understand, one of the biggest reasons behind procrastinating is a fear of failure. So, if you have a work project you just can't tackle, very often it's because you are afraid you're not going to do it well. Or, if you are habitually late to social events, it could be because of an unconscious fear of being around people, that you'll be a social dud, etc.

[Scout]

Well Dako that's not quite an argument in favor of this theory since she is your ex after all

 

Yeah, but they were together almost 30 years. And they're still friends.

 

That says a lot.

[DN]

Well Dako that's not quite an argument in favor of this theory since she is your ex after all

 

The title of the thread is 'how to resolve any relationship conflict' - so actually it is a fine example of the theory working well since Dako and his ex have managed to divorce amicably and with no recriminations. If everyone could manage it as well as they have then there would be far less long-term bitterness and unhappiness when people do split.