She left me...says she's confused?

[chrisrad]

A little background-- I met her 6 years ago (almost to the day) at work. After dating for about 7 months we found out she was pregnant. She had already had a 6 month old daughter when I started dating her. Sure, it was an obstacle for me since I was only 20 at the time. But I love this girl to death so it didn't matter to me.

 

Fast forward to last week. Now the girls are ages 4 and 6 respectively. I am now 25 (turning 26 next month) and she is 24. Like any relationship, we've had our ups and downs. But it all started last week. She went to a party for her work. She told me should be home by 11:30-midnight. Well, 3:45am and she finally strolls in the door (this guy from her work dropped her off). I am angry, but I let it slide. Then the following thursday night, I had a meeting and she was working til 10. I told her I would meet her at home a little after 10. Well, she doesn't show up. At 6:10am the next day, she pulls up and I am waiting for her outside. And guess what? The same guy dropped her off. At this point I am FURIOUS. I punch his car and spit on it. Keep in mind, I am NOT a violent person. It is at this point that she tells me that she feels she needs to "break up" with me. She claims its because I do not pay enough attention to her while she is home. Honestly, I should have and she told me numerous times which regretfully I ignored. Then Saturday night, she says she is going out with some people at work. Again, she says she won't be out late since she has to work a double shift the next day. Well, it gets to about 3am and I go looking for her. Her car was parked in her work parking lot still, so I went back home. Then came 5:30am and she still wasn't home. I go back to the parking lot, and the car was still there. I decide for the hell of it to go by where this kid lives (keep in mind he is only 22). And what do I find? She is outside crying in the parking lot and he is nowhere to be found. I jump out and immediately I am like, " * * * happened?" She refuses to talk and gets in the car. All she muttered the whole way home was, "I made the wrong choice, I DO want to be with you." We go home and finally lay down to go to bed (around 6am at this point). All of a sudden, there is a knock on the door. Its that damn kid! So I get up and put my pants on all the while she is like, "No, no...just don't answer it." But after seeing her crying and whatnot I wanted some damn answers. She comes to the doorway and I look at the both of them, and I say, "Well, someone better start talking." They just kind of look at each other as if they didn't want to say anything without time to corroborate their story. She tells me to wait upstairs while she goes down to apologize to him.

 

So here I am thinking I am out of the woods and things would go back to normal. Next day, they aren't. She goes, "I have some bad news". So of course, I am worried to death. She says, "You have competition." Come to find out, she admits to me she likes him. Yet when I talked to him personally, he maintains they are just friends. This has been the issue now the rest of the week. All she keeps saying, is that she is confused and she doesn't know what to do.

 

She says that she loves me still, and that she doesn't want me out of her life, yet she refuses to NOT see this other guy. She keeps telling me to wait and that things will probably just blow over. Thing is, I can't wait. I am literally sick to my stomach. I throw up everytime I eat, I can't sleep, my heart feels like it is beating out of my chest and I cry almost non-stop. I get the impression that I am being put on the back burner so that if things with this guy don't pan out, then I am her safety net. The biggest issue I have with this, is there are kids involved. They see her leave at night, and the 6 year-old knows what is going on. You would think she would put her family first but I guess not. And also, I am trying to figure out what interest a 22 year-old college student would have with a 24 year-old mother of two who is in a long-term relationship? It just doesn't add up for me. Oh, and another thing to note, is that I am from Massachusetts. I have absolutely ZERO family and almost no friends down here. So if I do have to leave, I would most likely have to move back to MA which would be devastating to me and the girls. I can't go on living like this anymore. Someone please help me and give me advice.

[NJRon]

The interest he has is that he can do what he wants because he doesn't have any concept of what a single mother of 2 is like... just some girl from work. I think you really seriously need to consider that you guys are over here. I would let her know and move forward on it.

 

If I had been together with a girl and had a child and she said, "You have competition" to me... well, I'd say "He doesn't" and get the heck out.

 

I know you have children here to consider. So look to what you can do about that to make sure they are cared for... as for her... I don't think anyone is worth that trouble. Maybe with you out of the picture, her head will clear... in the end, look to yourself... this situation is just not healthy.

 

I can't believe she lets her kids see her. I would consult a lawyer about your rights here.

 

(As for the 'just friends' thing.. I doubt you would have found her crying in a parking lot if that were the case)

[DN]

I agree with Ron - I would not 'compete' for a partner. She's either in the relationship or out of it. If she had a problem with you she should have addressed it with you - not cheat.

 

And I also agree about seeing a lawyer. Don't assume that she will get custody automatically.

[brando]

She sounded rather immature with her competition remark to you. I would not stand for this.

 

I know their are children involved, so make sure they are looked after as ron suggested.

 

You will need to think on this one. What it is you want from her. It doesnt sound like she is in the relationship at all right now. Her staying out until ungodly hours.

 

I agree also with talking to a lawyer, you have one biological child with this woman, and by law you may not be responsible for the other (by law)

 

I would tell her either she is in or out. ANd then do what is best for you.

 

Be well

brando

[keef]

all the very best

[chrisrad]

Thanks for the advice. I am really still confused though. My family is flying down from Boston for christmas this year, and my mother asked me yesterday whether she should order the tickets or not. So I asked my (ex?)girlfriend and she said, "No, tell them to still get the tickets." So what in the HELL is the deal? I am thinking about just leaving for Boston for a few days just to get away from the situation. I don't know if that would be a good idea or just add fuel to the fire. I mean, I REALLY would get back together with her if she would just allow it. We had plans to get engaged this spring and get married shortly. Its like, she thrives on chaos and when things start to get good for us, she finds a way to it up.

[lonelymantonight]

Bro... She is cheating on you. I know you don't want to hear that but she is. Know this and take precautions to protect yourself.

[thlst3]

Sorry dude but she's cheating on you. I experienced very similar situation. Just read my older posts. My ex cheated on me with a co-worker and I caught her red handed. I found her car at his place and I losted it. It took me 2 yrs to recover because... 1. I tried to work and fix the relationship. 2. I gave her space and time. I even moved 800 miles to get away.

 

My advice and what I did the last time we spoke... I wished her the best and good luck with her new relationship. I walked away after that...

 

Honestly, you don't want to be with someone who you can't trust or respect you. Respect yourself and walk away.

 

Good luck.

[ImThatGirl]

She's questioning whether being with you is true happiness. She's having doubts. She's acting on finding out if there's other real happiness.

 

She's having her cake and eating it too. She's at least emotionally cheating.

 

The line may have already been crossed. Meaning maybe there's no working it out.

 

You need to give her her options. Verbally or in writing, state her options and the consequences to the options. Ex: You can continue seeing him, but I'm not going to wait like a fool. I deserve more. The children deserve more. This is what your life will be like without me.

 

Sometimes people wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. They just don't always act on it. It is not okay to act on it. You all deserve much more. Don't let her play games..

 

Hhmmpp - "you have competition." That makes me mad! I'd have hit the door, if kids weren't involved. I think you are a great person for trying to make this work since the kids will be effected. I feel terrible for you all - including her.

 

And someone needs to tell this kid to move on and mind his own business. How the hell can someone that has no investment feel free to rock the boat! ! She should see how damned selfish he is. He doesn't care about her or her children!

[chrisrad]

Ok, here is an update--

 

I confronted the guy she was hanging out with...and her. Apparently, this kid is infatuated with her. See, she originally started talking to him as a friend. She then decided to confide in him and tell him all her problems. He took her confidence in him as a sign of interest. Well, he finally professed his feelings to her the other night (Sunday). She got pretty angry and decided to leave. He did not want her to leave. Like a sign from God, I pulled up to his apartment on a whim as she was walking out. I stepped right up to them both. It pretty much unfolded from there. We got home that night and I told her enough was enough. Either he goes, or I go. I said basically said, "This is your last chance to resolve this or I am on an airplane tomorrow and the only contact we will ever have is regarding our daughter." Apparently she did some soul searching that night, because in the morning, she left me a message telling me she wants to work things out. Its been a couple days now and things seem better. She bought about 7 romantic/comedy DVDs for us to watch over the next week or so. I am making sure not to push this too fast though. I guess I did learn something from this-- If you don't pay enough attention to your significant other, eventually someone will come along who will. So from now on, she has my undivided attention when she gets home from work at night.

[chrisrad]

She told him that she is choosing to work it out with me. He told her, "Whatever makes you happy." They work together and still maintain communication. Should I worry that they still talk outside of work? Or should I just accept the fact they are friends and move on? I mean, she has always had guy friends and it never REALLY bothered me before. Of course I was jealous of them, but it was a 'healthy jealousy' if there is such a thing. It really does make me uncomfortable that they talk outside work, but she told me that I can't pick and choose her friends for her. It's weird, because I have ran into this guy on a few occasions now and have even talked on the phone. He is always cordial and assures me they are just friends. I think this may have to do with the fact that the first love I had, who I had been in a relationship with for about 2-3 years did somewhat the same thing, only difference was it was with my friend and she WAS cheating on me. She was a pathological liar as well. This one here has never lied to me as far as I know. Maybe I just have overall trust issues?

[rightfromthestart]

true story [my online adventures in la-la land - simply one of many chapters in this novel]

 

many, many years ago i found myself face to face with something extremely powerful - love. i had never been in love before and when u haven't, then u are, u recognize it immediately. u can't fake it. u either know or you don't. well, i was in love. repeat i was. and i do believe the other person was as well, but i think her stay in that state of mind was extremely brief. and when that shift started, i felt it. and, trust me, there is nothing in the world that you can do to halt that decline. that is there buzz man. but, what happened was this. how does one react, when love reached love together and one grows from it and the other withdraws. i can tell u from my experience it is an amazing adventure.

 

being with someone where loving them turns from promise to disaster is rollarcoaster ride without seatbelts. what happens is as one love shines and the other diminishes, the star that begins to fade starts to feel guilty that the other star is still shining and so slowly they dismantle the atom bomb. tear away at the other, piece by piece, core by core, because when somone loves u and u don't - that's not fair they think. and without even noticing, the inflict pain on others because they feel worthless.

 

now from the side i was on, all u can do it take the hits until you are numb enuff where the other person can walk away. how do they do this? easy. they know u. they attack the places you had opened up only to them - your sexuality, your reason, your strengthes - and that's the weakness of love. it leaves u open to attack. but it is it strength too because love will not let you die. this is what happened to me. this attack was not intended to hurt or scar, only to allow the other a way out. but when u realize that u love someone more than they love u, it tugs at your heart and you want it to go away because it is one-sided. and the more the other chops you down, the less energy you have to remove it.

 

when u have been doubted, distrusted, embarrassed, etc. by someone you love - it leaves u in a coma with only the sensation of pain. that makes it easy for depression and addictions and lack of judgement to roar inside because a negative is taking over a positive. so, one day, after placing my hand on the small of her back and feeling her connective pulse missing - i only had two choices. put the barrell of the gun in my mouth, a la kurt cobain, or find the company of misery enjoyable.

 

this is where my online adventure began. i had never been on a chat site before and i don't even remember how i found it but one night i was simply 'listening' in as 'perfectly normal' people used icons and fake names to act in ways they would never dream of in real life and after 2 hours of this, i texted a few words in the 'lobby' and said - holy cow batman! what is wrong with all you folks?" and this person sent me a message and asked if i was ok. i said i was just tired and she said, you should really get some sleep. and it was strange that someone i didn't even know was taking care of me while my ex was sleeping upstairs. so, i ended up talking with her about her life and because for some unknown reason people seem to naturally open up to me [usually not the ones that should] and i can read between the lines.

 

this person stopped, saw blood on the tracks and cared. and to do that, i knew they were in pain as well. so, we talked for a bit and suddenly i found a way to remove the gun from my mouth by helping her. she was as lost as i was. easily given to love but being punished for doing so. and she told me about men who led her astray because of her wanting to be loved. she told me she had just meet someone on that chat room and after two weeks had 'fallen in love' and was going from the states to spain to meet him. and suddenly i found i had a purpose again. what had been taken away from me in my home, i was able to give to someone, a stranger thru an abstract medium - so i would try and help her find her path as she fell for man after man until finally we both had helped each other to see our own self worth again and then i stopped going to any chat rooms.

 

see, i think such environments are harmful to the soul because the allow people to suspend reality but for me it validated my ability to care and save me from drowning. oh and one last note, this person had the same first name as the person that was sleeping upstairs so in many ways it now feels like what i was doing was trying to stop something that was really happening in my life but i did not know was actually occurring. life is spooky at times.

 

that is just one chapter.

[NJRon]

I think it is fine to state whether someone your significant other has contact with makes you uncomfortable or not. While you may not be able to *tell* them who they can and cannot be friends with, their reaction to learning how you feel about it will tell you a lot. If, indeed, they are just friends, then there is no reason why she can't curb the contact.

 

I don't think sharing relationship problems with a single friend of the opposite sex is every a good idea... unless you have known each other for years and years and seen one another through numerous relationships.

 

Otherwise, you are just flirting with disaster. It's something I leanred a long time ago and, when i feel uncomfortable with a significant other's relationship, I usually have good reason. It's not something I share lightly and is rarely an issue. So, when I see it as an issue, I think it is important to share it.

 

You can do so in a healthy manner that is not accusatory. It is about *your* feelings.