Why marry again?

[Dako]

I'd like to hear from you people who remarried.

 

How do you again believe in a concept that may have left you without faith?

How do you view the responsibility of interfering so deeply in another's life, after what you'd been through?

When you made the decision, was your heart or brain the main influence?

 

Thanks.

[lunatic]

I have never been married but, I have been hearing the same anecdote from my friends who have re-married.

 

"The first marriage is a test/learning experience and the second is for the long haul."

[Mun]

Sorry, not remarried but very much in a relationship and you know what I find? That this time around there are no fairy tale bs going on. I'm very much aware of my mistakes--and his--and we talk and work through things. Something that didn't happen in my marriage. I have no illusions, maybe that's a bad thing, but have my feet set in reality and know what I don't want.

 

This is a really good question Dako, hope you get lots of responses.

[Day_Walker]

I believe that people remarry for the same reasons why they got married teh first time. I think that marriage is about wanting to believe in "true love," this is one concept that people want to believe in because it conforms to their idea of what happiness is. People start to feel those same old feelings that they felt before even though this time and maybe even those feelings are stronger now.

[desertnomad]

I was married for 6.5 years. My marriage was without the fantasy...pretty much hard cold reality. I was the one that left it because I didnt know much better. I left it for fantasy. My most recent relationship of 4 years just ended and it was all fantasy with the foolish heart in control...very little truth in it and it tore me up. So I guess I did things backwards. Like Mun I will only have a relationship now like my marriage...no fantasy no illusions where we both speak our minds...just with someone I can get along with a little better. Thats the only way I would have any faith in another relationship/marriage if the other person can communicate without talking all the time and we can work on issues as they come up. My current ex never did that with me and just let things build up for years and ended up dumping it all on me at the end.

[doyathink]

My first marriage lasted 10 years. I was young and can't say that I ever truly fell in love with him. I got bored with his intense religious views and left...huge mistake!

 

This marriage, I thought I found the love of my life...he proved me WRONG! Karmas a witch..I must be getting paid back for every sin I ever made. 7 years now and God do I wish I was just 'bored with religious views' again.

 

The first marriage I followed my head the second, my heart...my head was right...my heart really is the idiot!

[desertnomad]

wow sounds exactly like my story doyathink

[DN]

They say re-marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. I am still in my only marriage - but if it had all gone pear-shaped I think I would still hope.

[Dako]

Thanks, DN.

For many it's a non issue.

[baybrat]

...we can work on issues as they come up. My current ex never did that with me and just let things build up for years and ended up dumping it all on me at the end.

 

This is what I've let happen in my current marriage... let things build up. I'm currently "dumping it all" on him. It's not looking good.

 

This is my second marriage. I left my first husband after 17 years. This time I've been married for 8. Completely different type of man, different set of mistakes, and still it's turning out bad. If this marriage does end, I just don't think I have the strength to do it again.

[Mun]

They say re-marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

 

Love that thought and I believe it to be true.

[desertnomad]

Communication is so important in a relationship. Its so important to talk about those things as they come up at an appropriate time otherwise they will build up until you explode. And bringing up the past in any argument will just end up destroying the relationship.

[doyathink]

wow sounds exactly like my story doyathink

 

Thats funny, I thought the same thing! I hadn't read your story...you must have been posting when I was writing mine.....

 

Dako, would you ever consider remarriage?

[Dako]

I think not.

[Relationship Coach]

Dako,

You brought up a good question and clearly there are different opinions on this, so here is mine.

 

I think the recovery process of a failed marriage is different for each of us as we each have our own stories and reasons for the cause. Some of us heal quicker than others and some of us are considered to be more of a risk taker than others. Then there are those who just don't like being alone and those that have grown use to being alone and like it. I think acceptance and understanding as to what happened in the failed marriage and why is one of the biggest factors for being able to move on and eventually getting married once again.

 

My experience with this was a very difficult time in my life but I had a choice to make. I did not lose faith in the concept of marriage, only in the person who gave up on it. I took what I felt was a reasonable amount of time to heal and better prepare myself for future relationships and I moved on. As you know I have remarried and had another child. I have no regrets about my first marriage or no anger about starting over. Those that can't let go of something they can no longer hold can never move on to give themselves another chance. I know and understand that sometimes people are just so exhausted mentally and emotionally to the concept of giving themselves to someone else again but IMO mourning over a failed relationship day after day is more damaging. Some cannot ever imagine themselves being remarried, I cannot imagine ever being single again.

 

After meeting you, I think you are robbing someone of a good friend and husband.

 

RC

[chai714]

Dako,

 

I agree with RC on this, regarding you robbing someone. I have been one of the fortunate to have met you in real life and you've got many qualities that any woman or person for that matter, can admire.

 

I can respect you not being ready right now though too. It's understandable that each of us have period of our life when we feel that we want this, or want that. Then, times change and we often change our minds about what we do or don't want.

[Dako]

Thanks for you kind responses.

 

I seem to be over my losses, on great terms with my ex, the past and all that, but I have a serious suspicion about marriage as a concept.

Others seem to remarry as soon as they fall in love, often with worse partners. I've seen it with my siblings, both of which have had five lousy marriages.

Caution serves me well.

[melrich]

I have not re-married but I have repartnered and been with my new partner for 6 years. To be honest both of us are "off" the marriage thing. I couldn't really tell you why other than we have a great relationship and figure why risk changing anything.