sex or commitment(for men)

[quietgrl]

Can a man date a woman for 2-5 years without sex being involved?Me and my sister was talking about men and dating this afternoon.My sister was telling me men want sex before a committment nowadays and men who want sex with commitment is very small.REPEAT This is not about religious men but nonreligious men in general.

I think my sister is right about sex, single men and commitment nowadays.Men value sex more then a monogamous committment.

I'm wondering do men want a commitment and Can a man casual date without sex being involved???

[DN]

Beware generalisations. They are very misleading and get you into trouble relationship-wise.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

You can tell where a man's intentions are by how he conducts himself. If he cares about you, he will wait until you are both ready.

 

thereforeeee, if a man wants sex before he can commit to the relationship,, in my opinion perhaps he's not relationship material.

[Closure]

As DN said, be careful of generalising.

 

I can only speak for myself but I probably wouldn't give a woman two months without sex, let alone two years.

 

Yes you can casual date without sex being involved, however who want's to casual date for two to five years? That's kind of crazy and very rare these days.

 

Sex is a minor part of a relationship but it's like a bottom pillar of a building, if you aren't sexually 'together' then the bottom pillar isn't there, the building collapses and the relationship dies.

 

People base SOOOO much on sex, well, some people, they think there shouldn't be sex before there is love and emotions. In my experience I have found this attitude is entirely wrong. I'd rather have had sex with someone, find we didn't work together and leave with little emotions than have sex with someone I love, realise we don't work together and leave with the weight of 'love' on my shoulders. Just doesn't make any sense.

[Batya33]

I would not be able to/enjoy having sex with someone I did not love and was not committed to. I don't go for the whole "audition" for a commitment by having sex - makes no sense to me since to me sex without love and commitment (i.e. exclusive relationship( by definition can't be enjoyable or "good." I wouldn't even know if we were compatible that way without a commitment and since we would be physically intimate to some extent I think the chemistry or lack thereof (from kissing or holding hands) would be obvious.

[Closure]

It's great to see another view.

 

People enjoy sex with people they aren't commited to every day and in many ways it can be better with less implications involved.

 

Still, whatever works for you is best for you

 

 

I would not be able to/enjoy having sex with someone I did not love and was not committed to. I don't go for the whole "audition" for a commitment by having sex - makes no sense to me since to me sex without love and commitment (i.e. exclusive relationship( by definition can't be enjoyable or "good." I wouldn't even know if we were compatible that way without a commitment and since we would be physically intimate to some extent I think the chemistry or lack thereof (from kissing or holding hands) would be obvious.

[g44]

anyone can have sex - finding someone that just wants a role in the hay is easy. and its ok to want to do that if that is part of how u look at life. a vast mojority of the population views it that way, so, i am in the minority - for me - intimacy extends beyond the physcial - it is a connection that is enhanced thru an act of love and empowers and makes u grow. and when u have actually made love with someone the difference is so stark and recognizable that it blows u away. and that only happens when the other have done the same. that doesn't mean the other will appreciate in the same way that u do or value it the same way. it only means that it was 'seen' by both as something that occurred and impacted. the rest, what u do with that gift afterwards, is up to each person.

[eremy]

I did date a girl for 2 years without having sex. I tell you what, I'll never do it again, lol. Mosty just because I'm a sexual person. It's possible. Is it logical? If you're saving yourself for marriage, yeah, other than that, I dont think it's necessary.

[Closure]

Imagine saving yourself for marriage then finding out she is a sack of spuds or he had erection problems.

 

Hell on earth.

 

You'd have to be bonkers!!!

 

I do think it's madness.

 

I did date a girl for 2 years without having sex. I tell you what, I'll never do it again, lol. Mosty just because I'm a sexual person. It's possible. Is it logical? If you're saving yourself for marriage, yeah, other than that, I dont think it's necessary.

[joeG]

I agree with the rest, 2.5 years of "dating" a person with no sex? I dated a girl when I was 18, and she was a virgin, so I didn't put pressure on the matter. Within the first 3 months we had done everything BUT had sex. It took 6 months, which was the longest I waited, and will ever wait.

 

I'm not a "known" cheater. But once you get to know everything about someone, are in love with that person, and still "wonder" what sex would be like, in my opinion it makes you lose interest, and your eye wonders to the next.

 

Not to sound TOO ignorant. But this isn't the 50's anymore. I think people who base sex life "waiting until marriage", are selling themselves short of a lot more than just sex.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

But once you get to know everything about someone, are in love with that person, and still "wonder" what sex would be like, in my opinion it makes you lose interest, and your eye wonders to the next.

 

If that makes you lose interest, then you weren't in love to begin with.

 

Not to sound TOO ignorant. But this isn't the 50's anymore. I think people who base sex life "waiting until marriage", are selling themselves short of a lot more than just sex.

 

No, they just place a high value on their emotions and body and want to make sure that the person they have sex with is committed to them and truly worth it. Oh yeah, I bet STDs were not so rampant in the 50's and people wouldn't have been having major angst about how many people their partner slept with as appears to be the case on this board.

[Dako]

I could go a long time without sex with someone, but the question I have is WHY?

 

To me a good relationship is a big deal, such a monumental thing that sex pales in signifigance. Sex is wonderful with two loving people, but to avoid it for two years in order to verify someone's intentions seems cruel to me. As others have written, what id=f that person is truly no sexually compatible? You've spent two years to a dead end.

[laboheme]

Well, I had a two year relationship that involved sexual things but not actual sex...Neither of us thought we should wait until marriage, but we were content keeping things on a...less risky level. The way we saw things, we shouldn't have sex unless we're ready to deal with the consequences...and at 20 years old, we wouldn't be. And I wasn't about to go on the Pill (which violates my no-drugs policy) just for the sake of having real sex, when other things sufficed.

 

I do agree with other posters about the possibility of sexual incompatibility...but I also think there are plenty of other ways to find out. Unless, of course, by saying "no sex" you also intend to exclude all sexual activity that leads up to the actual act...

[Closure]

Bah, why do people hark back to the 50's?

 

People have been throwing sex around since the beginning of our species, before we could communicate effectively and the words love and weddings didn't exist.

 

We were built for pleasure.

 

If that makes you lose interest, then you weren't in love to begin with.

 

 

 

No, they just place a high value on their emotions and body and want to make sure that the person they have sex with is committed to them and truly worth it. Oh yeah, I bet STDs were not so rampant in the 50's and people wouldn't have been having major angst about how many people their partner slept with as appears to be the case on this board.

[Closure]

I'd argue that I wouldn't start a car I have no intention of driving.

 

You wouldn't go on the pill because it violates your no-drug policy? Is this a lifetime thing because you're going to have a lot of babies

 

Sex shouldn't be about consequences, that's really negative. Sex is about pleasure and intimacy. It's enjoyable and fantastic with the right person.

 

Totally respect your point of view but I just question it in places!

 

Well, I had a two year relationship that involved sexual things but not actual sex...Neither of us thought we should wait until marriage, but we were content keeping things on a...less risky level. The way we saw things, we shouldn't have sex unless we're ready to deal with the consequences...and at 20 years old, we wouldn't be. And I wasn't about to go on the Pill (which violates my no-drugs policy) just for the sake of having real sex, when other things sufficed.

 

I do agree with other posters about the possibility of sexual incompatibility...but I also think there are plenty of other ways to find out. Unless, of course, by saying "no sex" you also intend to exclude all sexual activity that leads up to the actual act...

[quietgrl]

Thanks guy for your replies.I guess no wonder i haven't had my first boyfriend yet.I'm not having sex without a commitment

I want to address this to some of the men.I can't help generalizing when it comes to sex and men because in my life experiences.The only time men give me the time of day is when the topic of sex comes up and when i talk about sex and commitment .I lose a man attention.My vision only see one thing and no man is showing me anything differant.I tell men to show me.play matchmaker and they disappear.

I think it's sad.The only advice people in 2006 can give women like me is find a religious man.I'm nonreligious so what is the message being sent to me and other women .Nonreglious men only think about their penis and nothing else.Is the saying right?????Most men want sex and no committment.

I think this is an interesting debate because some men are more worried about casual sex then trying to establish a healthy, committed relationship with a woman that will lead to sex.

[Batya33]

If I meet a man and he raises the topic of sex during the first meeting I see that as a red flag. I do believe that if you are going to talk about it early on to let the man know your beliefs and values but not in a lecturing or wordy way. Be as concise as possible and then move on to the next topic. I will not let a man come to my place for the first time - or go to his - unless I tell him in advance - or shortly after he arrives "I am not ready to have sex with you yet." period - I don't even discuss the commitment part - it's not relevant yet. If he asks "when" I will be ready I don't love that comment but then I will explain, concisely. I have had very few problems with men that you describe in my dating experiences. I've even had one or two men tell me that they could not wait until commitment time only to change their minds very quickly - within a few days without any pressure from me (I'm totally fine with walking away and am not mad if we are not on the same page)

 

On the whole, I've always felt respected by men when I tell them my values (they are not religious men) and I have probably had 2 or 3 men in the last ten years stop seeing me specifically because I would not have sex without a commitment.

[melrich]

I think it's sad.The only advice people in 2006 can give women like me is find a religious man.I'm nonreligious so what is the message being sent to me and other women .Nonreglious men only think about their penis and nothing else.Is the saying right?????Most men want sex and no committment.

 

You have people advising you this? Where do you live? You need to think about moving or finding some new people to talk to. Your sanity is in jeopardy.

[Dako]

.Nonreglious men only think about their penis and nothing else..

 

I'm an agnostic, and find that insulting. I also think about beer!

[Momene]

I would say that 2-3 years is extreme but then I would never date for that long unless I thought it was going to lead to marriage anyway. I've waited 6 months and we had sex after becoming engaged.

 

Sex isn't so important for me know but I think it's hard for younger men to go without it.

[Closure]

You see, just because people see things differently from you, you've gone and said all men think with their penis. That isn't the case and your comment is very dismissive and rude.

 

A man doesn't like to think there is a list for what can and cannot happen in his relationship, what you're doing is saying, 'it's my way if you want to be with me and if you can't deal with that then you can't be with me'.

 

What about what your future partner wants? Doesn't that count?

[Momene]

If you think with your penis, you can't see through your trousers.

[Dako]

 

What about what your future partner wants? Doesn't that count?

 

C

 

That's a good point!

 

With someone you love, you actually make certain compromises, no matter how we all puff about our pride and high standards. I've never been in a relationship where both of us didn't alter our behavior for the other.

[Aschleigh]

If you wait until you have a committed relationship to have sex you can wait for a long time. The original poster's age says 36.

I have learned so much about myself, my limits, pleasure, who I am through having sex.

Not having sex is like denying yourself pleasure. It's denying yourself the chance to learn about your body. It also denies the men who would like to have a committed relationship and sex concurrently.

It also relieves stress and bonds you to a person in a way little else will.

If it's not religion that keeps you have having sex, it must be the bad attitude about men. Also ,( could be a different person) no drugs ever. No advil for headaches or broken bokes. Nothing to relieve any pain at all.

It seems to go with the no sex denial thing. Pain and denial is good, sex is bad.

These are not just religious ideas, they are ideas of all the people who are anti-fun, anti-pleasure and also anti- women's sexuality. If a man , any man defines you sexually ( like : I'm not having sex without a committment from a man : see how that makes your sexuality dependant on a man ) he is setting the rules, you are not.