I hope I'm in the right place for some constructive advice...

[jewlz8896]

My story is a rather lengthy and convulted one. (but then, aren't they all?) Since details aren't always that important, allow me to try to provide the abridged version:

 

My husband and I have been married for 11 years - been together for 12. Our relationship has been one in which we both have treated each other poorly. He's been verbally and mentally abusive and I have been unfaithful (had one affair 5 years into the marriage and have had a platonic friendship with a man without his knowledge). Unfortunately, one thing has always led to the other - his abusive treatement led to my being unfaithful and my unfaithfulness led to his being abusive. He's had a very difficult time getting over the affair and even though it's been almost 7 years, to him it's as if it happened yesterday. So it's still very easy for him to become angry about it.

 

The abuse had started as only being verbal and mental. I felt I could "handle" that. However, recently the abuse has moved to being more physical. It started with just pushing about 3 years ago and has only happened a few times. The first time, he was angry, shoved me and I lost my balance. Didn't hurt myself, but certainly was shocked. As was he. He apologized profusely and promised never to do it again. The second time, several months later, he shoved me into a chair and held me there by my neck. Again, didn't hit me or hurt me and backed off immediately. Two months ago, he picked me up and threw me on the bed - that was prompted by my punching him in the arm during a fight. Finally, this past Friday night, he was angry, grabbed me by the arms, threw me on the bed, and hit me twice in the side of my head. It was open handed and with his right hand (he's left-handed), so it could've been much worse. But this time it left bruises. Of course he's horrified by what he's done and is apologizing left and right. Swears it will never happen again and regardless of what I said or did, it was not my fault.

 

So here's my question: Do I believe him and stay in this relationship? A strong part of me wants to. We have 4 children - three of them together (my oldest is from a previous marriage but he's been there since she was 5 and she's now 17). He's a good daddy and has never been with them like he is with me. I do love him and there are times in our relationship that things are very, very good. But I have to admit I'm having a hard time getting over this one this time. The physical pain I'm still feeling 3 days later is a constant reminder of what he's done and I'm sick to my stomach thinking of what could possibly happen next time. I've briefly talked with him about it and find myself protecting him. (I'm not telling him the extent of my injuries...he doesn't know that I can't hear out of the ear that was on the side he hit.)

 

If I were reading this, I'd tell the writer to run, not walk, to the closest family member or friend she could find and get the hell out. But it's me in this position and I'm feeling confused and alone. I have no one to go to to talk about this and even if I did, he's so well liked I'm not sure anyone would believe me. I'm having a hard time not blaming myself, saying that I'm just as much to blame for the state of our relationship and deserved it.

 

A little guidance from someone who's "been there, done that" or with some other experience would be extremely helpful. I never thought I'd see myself in this position - I've never been abused before - and I'm completely at a loss.

 

Thank you in advance for your help.

[birdgirl]

Go, go, go. It's only going to get worse. It's bad for your kids to see, too. If you don't leave for you, leave for them. Kids who grow up with domestic violence around them are more likely to either become abusive or to be abused. Do you want a son, if you have one, to repeat the same behavior, and possibly end up in jail for battery? Or, do you want a daughter to end up with a man who beats her, or worse? The longer you stay, the more "normal" this behavior will seem to your children. And you definitely don't want that.

 

Plus, everyone deserves to be in a relationship where both people are happy. I didn't realize till recently that relationships could be good, and loving, and I'm kicking myself for putting myself through years of pointless misery.

 

It's hard to leave, SO HARD. I had to leave someone and it seemed impossible, but I did it. I was really afraid of him. I still am. For months, I didn't think I would actually leave. This board helped me immensely. I can't even imagine having to do it with children involved. But you need to.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have never been in this type of situation before but all I could say is get out before he really does major damage to you. His abuse is getting worse and will indeed get even worse than this as time goes on. The more he gets away with it, the more he will push the envelope. You having an affair justifies anger and hurt feelings on his part but absolutely does not justify emotional and physical abuse. For your own well-being, you need to get out of there.

[LoveMatters]

I have never experienced something like this but I agree with other memebers said. It's best for you to leave him. When he starts to abuse you physically, I am not sure he will stop. Especially, if he sees that you still put up with his abusive behavior, it might get worse. Talk to your kids, explain to them. They don't want you to get hurt if they know the truth.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Jewlz,

 

Leave, and leave now. Once you have left, then maybe look at the relationship and counselling etc, but your first priority MUST be to leave asap.

 

My friends and I, when we were in our twenties, made a pact: if ever a man hit us (or we found ourselves hitting a partner) we *had* to leave that relationship at once. It's non-negotiable. Because I think everyone, when they are in that position, sees it as *different*, talks about extenuating circumstances and so on. That's why it has to be a tenet that you hold beforehand, and stick to - if ever someone is abusive to you, you must leave. If ever someone hits you or threatens you, you must leave.

 

I don't think I would ever normally be so hardline about advice, but I think in cases of domestic abuse there is no question - you MUST leave. As I said, maybe once you have gone you can go to relationship counselling etc, but please leave now.

 

I live in the UK, and here there are women's shelters etc you could go to - is that the case where you are? Do you have family members who will help you? As I understand it, domestic abuse usually escalates - please leave now.

 

Good luck, and let us know how you get on.

[craving_normalcy]

You need to leave NOW. Your children do not need to be subjected to this type of abuse, and neither do you. Downplaying your injuries is NOT good either - you need medical attention. From the sounds of it, every time he gets physical, it escalates more and more. Next time, you might not be so lucky...so LEAVE before there is a next time.

[southerngirl]

Im going to say again what they have said you should LEAVE..

 

Yes, you have four kids. Have you tried counseling?

 

It wouldnt help immediately but have you tried it? To help him get over the trust issues and lack there of from the affair.. To help you and him learn to communicate.. To save your marriage?

 

Do you have anywhere to go? A seperation from him is in order where you are separated for a long time. Even a year or more, you can think clearly if you are out of the situation.. maybe meet together for counseling..

 

My ex husband hit me. I left. Filed for divorce 2 months later after he held me against my will and beat me so badly I had bruises all over ... the baby then 14 months old (now 8 years old) wouldnt remember the bruises on him either.. It can get alot worse.

[jewlz8896]

Wow...I wasn't expecting such an immediate response. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

To answer a few questions and respond to a few comments...

 

Yes, we have had counseling. At two different times in our marriage with two different counselors. They both gave us some great advice and some things to try, but he seems to think all of our problems are because of me.

 

Although I will not deny I am abused, I will say my case is not as bad as a lot of others. Could it ever be that bad? Probably. I've talked with my husband and he is not trying to justify what he did. I told him we needed some space so that I could think clearly and he is not opposed to that. In fact, he's offered to leave.

 

Do I think things could gradually get worse, yes. They already have. Part of me wants to believe that he's "seen his ways", so to speak, and that he'll never raise a hand to me again. But he claims he doesn't remember donig it in the first place (he had had a little to drink - not a lot, but enough). If he doesn't remember it this time and didn't know what he was doing it, how could he control it if he ever got to that point again? He agrees and says what happens next is up to me.

 

Needless to say, I've got a lot on my plate right now. The decision to leave is such a huge one - and with 4 children (all girls, 17, 10, 7, and 20 months) it makes it that much more difficult. If he was a jerk about it or it happened all the time, it'd be so much easier. But he's not being a jerk, if it happens 2 or 3 times a year, that's a lot, and I'll be damned if I still love the man. My heart is breaking in a million pieces.

 

Again, thank you for your responses. I'm encouraged by reading them.

 

Jewlz

[Azual]

Jewlz, my advice is to get out of there. I havn't personally been the abuser or the direct-abused, but as a young adult who spent six years of my life around domestic violence, I grew up hating the world and picking fights constantly.

 

I respected women very little and I know part of that was me, but when you get used to that lifestyle it just becomes natural to do these things and hate everyone.

 

The only reason I have reverted back to caring about women and stopped picking fights is because I did some very stupid things that, as a young adult now, would never do. I face 5 years because of the way I was raised and thinking women were for my enjoyment and thinking that fighting would always solve everything.

 

So for the sake of your kids and your own personal health and safety, get out of there as fast as possible. If your guy can truly change and can prove it, by all means give him that chance, otherwise... Get him away.

 

I don't want to seem concieted by throwing my life story at you but I'm just letting you know what the possible chances are.

[stefano]

Hi Jewlz, i wonder how are things now?

I have been through a similar situation but from a child point of you, I was beating up by my stepfather.. i have no time for men like that and so should you. I tell you why; reading your post it's clear that the abuse is, slowly but surely proggressing escalating, it doesn't matter he apologizes because if he really didn't mean it why is it at it again? How come he still gets angry for something that happened SEVEN years ago? my guess is that it's only an excuse so that he can be abusive. He drinks right? My stepfather did, unfortunately some people (they are not men) feel like men when they act like that. How sad, you deserve so much better.

I feel you need some protection just in case things will go wrong. I also feel you are starting to suffer from the so called Stockolm's syndrome (you simpatyse with him).

Are you sure about him being faithfull? I mean if he doesn't respect you at home, what are the chances he does when is out?

Be strong i wish you all the best.

[doyathink]

I have no experience with the abuse, I would not want to live in a situation like that. What I can tell you is this, He has never healed from your unfaithful encounter! He is frustrated with you.....he can't move forward in his life and enjoy it and show the love he has for you because he is not healed! And at these moments where he is taking it out on you he is actually showing his utter hurt and pain, in a physical way because his emotions are worn down! He is trying desperately to release this pain and crying hasn't done it, therapy hasn't done it so what has been an inward emotional breakdown is now an outward expression of his pain. This man has not found a way to stop the hurt!

 

When my husband cheated I cried for so long and hurt so deep that the only thing I could think of was how badly I just wanted to knock him out! Years later, I still do! Like your husband, I never healed, honestly don't know how to just 'get over it'! He is harboring harsh feelings and resentment for you!

 

He may never get over this, some ppl don't but I hope you are never physically hurt by him again. Sometimes we turn pain into anger because it's much easier to deal with being 'mad' than it is to continually cry and hurt. Tell me, when he physically has hurt himself, does he show it with getting angry, cursing..thowing things or does he handle it calmly?

[barefoot]

you asked 'should you believe him?' NO. he keeps saying he won't do it again and then he does it again, only worse. please get out b4 something really bad happens to you or your children. accidents happen. you could hit your head on something when he shoves you and REALLY get hurt (dead); one of your kids might feel the need to defend you in a fight and go too far, then what? please please get out. if you are in the US, there are national domestic abuse websites that will get you help for your area.

 

good luck to you.

[Rabican]

I stopped reading half way in... no you dont believe him. You give him an ultimatum get help or get lost.

 

He promised not to get abusive (violent) with you numerous times and each time it seems to come back worse. Will he break your nose/ jaw next time? or maybe decide to rape you or worse?

 

If you love him give him one last chance, but make him make some changes, starting with therapy, and possibly medication (maybe hes got some sort of mental problems causing the anger)

 

I for one, would not stay with someone who was violent with me (if i were a girl) you deserve better... forget your vows if hes beating you.