Boyfriends been cheating on me

[carlym81uk]

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[Cynder]

Trust is such a fragile thing... Once it has been breached it's hard to get it back.

 

Has he told you why he did this? You said you've known him a long time, has he been a cheater in passed relationships? These are things you need to consider.

[rose2summer]

He has cheated on your for the last 7-8 months. Dear, you need to leave, this is absolutely horrible of him, and he doesn't deserve you. By the way, welcome to enotalone. Please do not ever talk to him again, sometimes someone may cheat and make a mistake once, but not for many months, he is a habitual manipulator and one you don't need in your life. You deserve a man who can cherish you and respect you without another lady on the side. Never talk to him again. No Contact.

[robowarrior]

YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH A LIAR!

 

That's the bottom line. Leave him!

[coollady1957]

I agree with the other posts here. I know from experience that the trust is never ever the same again. There is always that percentage of doubt.

 

For many cheaters their promises to make it up to you and to stop the cheating are just idle words on their part. You say that you and he have been dating 8 months and also for 8 months he has had another girlfriend on the sly.

 

I would definitely NOT take him back if I were you. You deserve a much better person in your life than this guy. YOu should be with someone that can love YOU and only you , and where there is trust and commitment to each other. I doubt that you will ever find that in this guy at all.

[rose2summer]

If you had chocolate and strawberry icecream, and you love both equally, why would you settle for just chocolate and leave the strawberry. Once he knows he can get both flavors, he isn't going to stop there, he will try pistachio and black cherry, while you sit and watch. Don't do that to yourself, take your lovely chocolate icecream and take it to a REAL man, not this LOSER.

[yeawutever]

He's a player, thus a loser, don't waste your time on this piece of human. If he's saying he's sorry, to exactly HOW many other girls must he be saying the same thing? That's BS.

[Hope75]

Hi There and welcome to enotalone!

 

I am sorry that this is what brought you here.

 

I am unfortunately going to agree with the other posters here.

 

This not just an isolated incident in which he made a ONE TIME error and suddenly realized the impact of his mistake and was instantly remorseful. This has gone on as long as you have dated him and if you ask me, the only thing he is sorry for is that he got caught.

 

Think about this for a second.... this woman showed up at your door. If she hadn't... how much longer do you think this would have gone on for?

 

This is not someone who has earned your trust, or who has treated you with love, kindness and respect.

 

If I were you, I would feel that this was too much, not a mistake, but a conscious choice that he made to deceive you, cheat on you, and lie to you, (as well as put your sexual health at risk!) for pretty much the entire length of your relationship. I would leave him.

 

What is your head telling you to do?

[Oldboy]

I agree with hope75. They are only sorry when they are caught. He would have been sorry if he'd been caught earlier and he'd be sorry if he'd been caught later.

[carlym81uk]

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[SarahRose]

In this case your head it telling you the right thing to do. Of course you care deeply for him but you have to look at the facts and reality of this situation.

 

You have been with him 8 months and the truth is that he has cheated on you the entire time!

 

If that girl had not shown up on his door, you would not have found out his cheating because he had no intention of telling you and had no intention of breaking it off with her.

 

Look at how he treated her when she showed up. He pushed her out the door. That could have been you!

 

You head he was a womanizer. It obviously was true and he still is.

 

You think he is sorry. He really is not or he would not have done this for the entire time of your relationship. If you kicked him to the curb, I gaurantee he would be back at the other girl's house begging for forgiveness.

 

I can't even believe that you are thinking about taking any of the blame for this! This has nothing to do with you. He is a liar and a cheat.

 

Everyone has laid it out here but it is up to you.

[Hope75]

Obviously this choice is up to you. He's your bf, and you will be the one who will live with the consequences if he decides to cheat again, not us.

 

I know for myself, especially now, knowing how long this affair was for, and that he has a history of being a womanizer, that he isn't likely to change, and that I could never trust him again. This affair was lengthy and went on for almost, if not, your entire relationship, basing it on lies, infidelity and deceit. By taking him back, you show him that you have accepted what he's done, and that sort of gives him permission to do it again.

 

Remember, this only came to light because she showed up at the door, not because he wanted to stop it and was remorseful and realized he made a mistake. He's sorry that he got caught, that's it. Had she not shown up, do you think it would have stopped on it's own? Doubtful.

 

You had the illusion that the two of you had a good life...because that is the image he presented to you. However, what you really had was a partner who cheated on you, put your sexual health at risk, and who lied to you nearly every day that you were together. This was not a mistake that he made, but a conscious choice every day to be with her as well as you, and to lie to you. Does that really sound like a guy you can trust and who has treated you with love and respect? You are right about one thing, this has nothing to do with you and how attractive or nice you are. This is all on him.

 

It really sounds as though you are in shock and denial about the whole thing to be honest... that is probably why you are being so calm about it. I suspect that later on it will hit you just what he's done to you.

 

Your head is telling you to leave him.. because your good common sense knows that he isn't good for you and that this is not acceptable behaviour.

 

In the end, it's your call. I know what I would do.

[DN]

Did she come to the door because he had broken up with her?

[coollady1957]

I found out after I broke up with my now EX BF that he too was a womanizer most of his life. Wish I had known that prior to spending 18 months with him , of which he cheated on me during that time.

 

He and I too had what I thought was a great thing going. Just like you and your boyfriend, we got along great, had a great sex life, went out to dinner, movies, picnics, camping. made special plans for holidays and other occasions.

 

Also again like you , I don't think I am ugly, and I put my heart and soul into making it work with him, and I never understood why when everything seemed so good between us, then " why would he cheat?"

 

When someone cheats on another, it is by a deliberate choice that they go do this. No it was not YOUR fault nor MY fault that these guys cheated on us. They made a conscious choice to live a secret life on the sly all the while making us think everything was great between us. They are liars, cheaters, players , etc..

 

If they REALLY love someone and have a commitment to make things work, they would have no desire to be with another for any reason. IF they are seeing someone else and cheating on us, then they are not the type of person you need to make a relationship with.

 

You say you want things to stay the same,,,,, honey they will NEVER be the same again. This guy is only sorry that he got caught. He may make you believe that he is sorry , and that he will change...... I highly doubt that will happen. These type of people are smooth talkers, game players and will pull the wool right over your eyes in a heart beat.

 

It is like Hope75 mentioned......... IF that girl had not come over, then how long do you think it would have been before you found out, and how long would he have continued to lie and deceive you?

 

Also as she mentioned as well, this was not a one night stand or a one time thing that the did, and then realized that he screwed up. He has covered this up for 8 months and obviously quite well since you only just now are finding out about his cheating.

 

If you take him back all you are doing is allowing him to have his cake and eat it too, because he will still have you and most likely will still have this girl or some other girl on the sly. He willl have the best of both worlds.

 

These type people ( men and women alike) will do all the right things for a while to make you believe in them again, and as soon as you feel that comfort level again and feel like you can trust them again, is when they will turn right around and start lying and deceiving you again.

 

I Know it is not easy to let someone go and just turn off your love and feelings that you have for them. But he has disrespected you and the relationship by what he has done. He has lied, cheated, manipulated, and played you like a fiddle.

 

I do NOT say that ALL people or all that cheat will continue to do so. I am sure there are some people that make a one time mistake and are truly remorseful for messing up, and are willing to change.

 

BUT......... Based on what you have said about this guy and what his past nature was to be a womanizer, and now he has cheated on you for eight months,,,,,,, then NO , uh unh,,, I never see this guy being straight and honest with you ever again.

 

I know you love him, but if I were you , I would be woman enough to stand up for myself and show him that he is not going to do this to you. Leave him and show him that you will NOT put up with it, and that the cheating was a deal breaker for this relationship.

 

The best thing you could do would be to move on, find someone that really deserves you , respects you and that you can trust. Trust issues will never ever be the same with the person that has cheated on you. There will ALWAYS be a level of doubt about what they are doing and with whom.

 

It is your choice in the end what to do, and whether to follow your head or your heart. I think your head is telling you the right thing and that is to leave him and get out of there.

 

Your heart still has the feelings of what you " thought" you had with him. What you thought you had with him and what you actually had with him was no where near the same thing.

 

I have been through this same type scenario with the same type of guy that you are talking about...........My advice would be to follow your head girl !! Leave him and the quicker the better. Don't let him play you any more. There are better people out there than this guy.

[carlym81uk]

In reply to one of the posts, yeh, she came to the door because she had not heard from him in 3 weeks.

 

Of course i did not believe this, so then he showed me her text messages saying " i take it you are back with your ex" etc.

 

He says he had broken it off, and this explains her behaviour when she came to the door.

 

He took me out last night. We had a long talk and i said id find it very difficult to ever trust him again. I also said i felt sick just thinking about what he had done to me.

 

I dont understand why he wants to get back with me if he could go out with someone else. Is it because i am nice to him? I dont understand.

 

I will keep everyone updated. I have not broken off contact with him yet .

 

Maybe i should get back with him and then break up with him in a months time to punish him!

[yeawutever]

To punish him you say, as a revenge, lol. No need for that, the best way you can punish him is breaking up with him and not ever contacting him again. Ye,s yes, I know what you're gonna say, that love makes you do crazy stuff and that you're madly in love. But love does NOT make you cheat nor disrespect someone.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Maybe the reason you said you should get back with him and break up after a month is because you still want to be with him. Honestly, if you did get back together with you, he'd only cheat on you again when you start to trust him again in my honest opinion. Like several people have said, this isn't a one time, I made a terrible mistake thing.

 

This is an on going 8 month betrayal of the love and fidelity that you gave him that would NEVER have come to light if his other girlfriend hadn't tracked him down to your house. After all, he lied to her too! Notice how you're referred to "as the ex". Were you broken up?

 

Seriously, this guy is a sociopath. He's hurting and that's all that really matters to him. In the end, he will be all that matters to him. Dump his butt on the curb and find yourself a good man who won't screw around on you.

[Hope75]

I suspect if you take this guy back he will continue to cheat on you... honestly he does not seem remorseful and this went on for a long time.

 

Have you thought of the logistics of getting back with him and how you would ever be able to trust him? Living in a relationship where trust is broken like that will wear on you... who wants to feel they need to spy on their partner and interrogate them everytime they can't account for their time away from you? Wondering if you can believe what he says or not? Paranoid of every phone call, every female he comes in contact with?

 

If you really want revenge, the best revenge is living well without him and getting your self respect, dignity and self esteem back.

 

Just some things to think about.

[RayKay]

So, basically your entire relationship is based on a lie, because he has been cheating the entire time?

 

Not only "cheating" but he had at least one other girlfriend...someone else he must of been telling all the same things he told you.

 

I suspect he is only sorry for being caught.....how can he make up the fact he was lying to you the ENTIRE time? If he really felt bad, why did it go on for the ENTIRE time you were together?

 

Cheaters often want their partner back, because they want the control back, because they want it all. But, in most cases they also do it again...at least in those cases where they truly are not remorseful which he also does not seem to be. He seems to be kinda avoiding true responsibility for this.

 

I would just not take him back at all....I think you are even being "too nice" to him at this point...you just found out he had another girlfriend and you are going to dinner with him? Yikes! If I found that out, my "bf" would have a hard time even getting a hold of me for a long time! Oh, and he would become my ex.

[theantibarbie23]

I know this hurts, but at least you found out his true character after eight months as opposed to eight years. You have no mutual assets or children, right? You can totally walk away here and that would be the smart thing to do.

[carlym81uk]

I guess i am being too nice to him. I know he did a terrible thing.

 

But something is making me think, he's sorry, and its me he wants, maybe its my inexperience of relationships (this being my first proper one)

 

But i thought we had a special bond. . And before we officially started dating , we had been seeing each other on and off for a few years (maybe 4 or 5).

 

but from december we were meant to be "officially together" . At least that is what he said. I hope he wouldnt do this to me again , he said he wont.

 

Do people make mistakes and pay for it, learn from it ? Nearly losing the one they truley love and change? I dont know. Mayhap i am just being silly! (probably more likely!) thats just wot id like to think , . ,

 

He keeps texting. . its so hard to ignore. Maybe i should go out at the weekend and get drunk and pull someone else!!!!

 

I think he will be hard to get over because he is the first person i truley loved. Difficult to let go. It still hasnt really hit me yet. . Who knows how many other girls he had. He always had his mobile phone locked so i couldnt see!!!!!!

[yeawutever]

I guess i am being too nice to him. I know he did a terrible thing.

 

Yes you are and he is using that as a way to proceed with his plan on deceiving you again.

 

Do people make mistakes and pay for it, learn from it ? Nearly losing the one they truley love and change? I dont know. He keeps texting. . its so hard to ignore.

 

Not if they had to drag you for 8 months feeding you with BS and then hoping that you would never found out. If they had to get caught then no, they not sorry.

 

As for ignoring his text message, you could do that. Think of him as a liar who fed you BS. Don't you want someone who would never replace you when he's commited to you??

[coollady1957]

What is it that makes you think he is truly sorry, and that he wants only you?

 

Don't you think if he had only wanted you, that he would not have cheated on you for 8 months.

 

What makes you think now that he is sorry, what is it that you are feeling or getting from him that makes you think this?

 

He sounds like a smooth talking, sneaky individual to me. Keeping his phone locked ,,,,,,, hmmm,,,,,, sounds like he is trying to keep you from finding out stuff doesn't it?

 

You are right, you have no idea how many other women he may have been sleeping around with. This may be the only one that you have found out about. Plus on the other hand, if he has been screwing around, you should be concerned about what you might catch from him. STD's are certainly something you don't want.

[RayKay]

Nearly losing the one they truley love and change?

 

If he truly loved you, do you "truly" believe he would of lied to you all these months and been with at least one other woman?

 

If that is true love in your books, maybe you need to re-examine what you believe you really deserve...because it sure is better than that.

 

I think he sounds like a smooth-talker personally. He is only sorry he was busted....I don't think he would ever of fessed up otherwise, and would of very likely cheated with this, or other women. What if you were NOT there when that girl had shown up? What do you think would of happened?

[carlym81uk]

i dont know what would have happened. Though he did prove to me that he had called it off.

 

I know he wants to be with me because we have spoken about things, and he said he wants to be with me. He loves me etc.

 

Yeh maybe i should re- examine what i think love is.

 

Like all you experts!