When were you ready to date again?

[rimshot22]

Was with my ex for 3+ years, nearly engaged, same story most of you have. Have had NC (with the exception of a bday email I sent her two weeks ago) for 2 months. In that time I started seeing someone, casual dating at first but now she wants more. I like her very much-she's fun, very, very kind to me, and not bad to look at. However, I'm finding myself unable to emotionally open up. I suppose the reason is obvious; two months is hardly time to recover from a relationship of 3+ years.

 

My question is this: am I doing more harm to myself by dating rather than being alone? Is the loneliness I feel when I'm apart from people too high a price to pay for the fun I have when I'm with her?

[HeartAche]

I guess it differs from person to person. I know the rule of thumb is it takes 2 months for every year you were with that person, but it all really depends on the circumstances I would imagine.

 

I was with my ex for 5 years, we've been separated for a month and although I still constantly think about her every day, the pain isn't what it was a few weeks ago.

 

Some people I guess are fast healers, but I've always believed that it's love not time that heals all wounds. Time helps obviously but until that new "special someone" comes into your life then you'll never be fully over your ex.

 

Perhaps that's just me, I don't know. However, if you're finding it difficult to emotionally open up then perhaps you aren't ready to date yet. Does this new woman know your situation? I know the last thing you want to talk about in a new relationship is an old one but maybe if you tell this new person how you feel and that you want to take things slow - i.e. become really good friends first - then it might help you.

 

I don't think it's going to do your new relationship any good if you're not fully into it. The new woman may sense there's something wrong and pull away herself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

In addition to thinking about yourself and what is good for you, perhaps you should consider what is fair to this new person you are seeing. Clearly you are not ready to start dating because you are only looking to fill a void at this point in time. See your friends, get involved in other activities and then you won't feel the need to latch on to a woman just because you are missing the perks of being in a relationship. In the meantime, this other woman will be free to meet someone who is not on the rebound and can give all of himself to her.

[robowarrior]

The problem is that you haven't healed from the previous relationship, you stepped into a new relationship far too fast. And that's the reason you aren't able to open yourself up for her, because you are not ready to incassate any hurt that would come into your life, meaning that your basically too emotionally unstable to participate in a relationship at this moment. YOu see you have to pick up the broken parts of your heart, glue them back together again and emotionally heal again and giving yourself TIME to heal, before you move on into something new. You don't want to end up as an emotional wreck being in such a bad state that you'll never be able to date again. So watch out and make sure you are ready to face and endure all the new things in a relationship that could possibly go wrong.

[rose2summer]

I was in a 5 yr relationship, met my ex online 1 week later, and we started a so called relationship thereafter, not actually physically meeting until 3 months later. A mistake yes, because I was rebounding. Did I get over my previous ex, yes, very fast. Now this ex and I broke up (1yr later), I just want to date, which I don't consider rebounding because I want no deep commitment. How about just sticking to simple dating?

[finewhine]

My relationship lasted for the same length of time yours did and ended at the same time yours did. Two key differences: 1. I'm a woman. 2. I haven't had the heart to date, let alone hook up with anyone since the breakup. Getting there (at least the hooking up part), but not quite there yet.

 

Now, my ex started dating someone lickety-split after we broke up. I'm talking two weeks here. Let me tell you, I was devestated. I didn't want to get back together with him, but I wondered how insignificant our relationship must have been to him that he could move forward without skipping a beat. I also wondered what kind of woman would date a man so fresh out of a serious relationship. I had nightmares every night for weeks. I sobbed and sobbed. It was like the death of the relationship itself, only fresher! Anyway, I just tell you this in case you really hated your ex and wanted to get back at her (it probably worked).

 

May I ask you a purely selfish question? What *did* you tell this girl when you started going out? I am really, really curious, and would really, really appreciate if you let me know. Pretty please with sugar on top?

 

So back to you - I would break it off for several reasons, the first of which is in consideration of this new girl's wellbeing. She wants you to move forward, you can't right now, end of story, so long Susie.

 

What you told this woman intially should inform what you tell her now. If she knows that you're on the rebound, she shouldn't be too surprised if you break things off. I mean, I don't know how old she is, but a woman learns not to get serious about guys on the rebound at some point in her life (I learned that lesson the hard way myself), and if she hasn't yet, now's as good a time as any. I'm not saying it's in any way her *fault* that she likes you, but you'd be doing her something of a favor if you taught her this lesson.

 

If you didn't tell her when you started dating that you just got out of a serious, marriage-track relationship, do her a favor and don't tell her now. Just make a quick, dignified exit.

 

The other important reason I think you should break up with this woman is because you, personally, need to learn how to be single again so that when you *do* meet someone who is better than kind and "not bad to look at," in short, someone for whom you could potentially fall in a serious way, you'll be able to date her without any of the baggage from your previous relationship.

 

As every other post has pointed out, you jumped in the dating pool too quickly after your last relationship ended. You didn't do a terrible thing to this new girl or to yourself, but you did jump in too quickly. What I would suggest is giving yourself a few more months before you started dating anyone again. Just a few months! You can do it! In fact, you need to do it for yourself. Give yourself four more months, just to be on the safe side (I heard the number of years of a relationship divided by two is the number of months/years it takes to get over it).

 

Oh, I feel as though I should also point out that being truly single is really, really awesome in its own way. That's where I am right now. For starters, when you're not looking to get involved, you're totally free to enjoy whatever it is that you're doing, whether it be a concert or a party or your friends' company. Speaking of your friends, none of them expects you to be dating anyone so soon (heard it straight from my ex's friends: they're probably wondering why you started), and everyone loves a single person, especially couples. Go out and have fun and enjoy being single while it lasts! Soon enough, you'll be looking for someone serious again. Me, I'm delaying being on that treadmill for as long as I can stand it.

 

Now is the time to focus on yourself. A little narcissism after a breakup never hurt anybody. Be free! You have your own feelings to worry about. After you break things off with this girl (nicely, of course), you won't have to worry about anyone else's.

[blemished]

I think it depends on the relationship you are coming out of-- just because you broke up doesn't mean you are in the same stage of recovery as someone else who broke up the same length of time ago. In other words, sometimes people start the grieving/healing process before they even breakup.

 

For me, it's been 4.5 months out of a 2.5+ year relationship, off and on NC, and I am NOWHERE near being ready to date. I have tried meeting new people. At first, there was disgust for new people and very very deep sadness which made me break NC (unfortunately). I would come home and cry after a date. I realized this was not fair to the people I was seeing, but I was so repulsed by them that I did not care much. I stopped dating of course, but even seeing male friends of mine made me sad, since we were doing activities (platonic) that I would have done with him.

So now I am not dating and have been just working. I am afraid I will heal with jagged scars, or already have. I have no interest in dating; I did try an online membership for 1 month but did not like anyone I "met", and ironically the people who sounded most interesting to me, never wrote me back. So for now I am staying single and just enjoying my life and trying to space myself from memories of the ex. I suggest you do the same.

[rimshot22]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

finewhine, I'll try and answer your question. Me hooking up with the new girl had very little to do with my ex. In retrospect, it was a way to fill the void in my life-a person to spend time with, share a bed with, etc. It's become more, but probably based on the wrong things. I have actually been completely honest with this girl, to the point of telling her that I had thought she was my ex one morning. That was after I had told her spending the night was off limits. Apparently she somehow sees potential in me despite my volitile mental state. She knew my situation, knew my ex in fact. She was not misled in any way (at least not by me) and I continue to be as straightforward as I can with her. Whether that's enough, I don't know...I'm just trying to not hurt her by being as honest as I can.

 

So tonight I shared with her all of my feelings. One, I enjoy spending time with her but am not treating her the way she deserves nor am emotionally available for a true relationship. Never came out and said I need to be alone, but that is because I'm so confused about what it is I do actually need. Oye. I need to sleep. Maybe tomorrow morning will be the day I wake up not feeling confused.

[Juha]

Finewhine nice writing and very valuable..

 

I don't know about the couples loving single friends being around, at least with my friends...

 

They go out to dinner at a restaurant or anywhere for that matter, they invite other couples not singles...

 

There is only one couple that invites me over or out with them...

 

All my friends are married or having relationships except me, now and I feel like I am a leper to them because I am single...

 

Rimshot I to am in the same boat as you. Still do not want anything serious so I just have fwb so I have someone to spend time with and have sex with. TO be truthful I really want nothing to do with any of them and have since stopped seeing them and not looking for anyone to date at all...

 

I would sit there with them and say to myself why am I here with them when I really don't want to be...

[finewhine]

Rimshot, thank you for answering my question. Me, I think you'll be less confused when you make a nice, clean break.

 

Juha, stop feeling like a leper! Seriously, all your coupled friends are jealous of you (at least that's what I tell myself). Most of my friends are shacked up or married, too, and they all enjoy scoping guys for me and getting me out of the house. I'll bet yours would, too, if you let them.