So I'm too fat for my BF

[Jennster]

I've had many body issues all of my life. From being teased in elementary to many other things throughout life. I over come a lot and during high school I was normal weight - but my mental image of myself was always "I'm fat". So I met my BF last year and he was instantly attracted to me - granted I am heavy now - 5'4" and 180 lbs...I wear it well though...but still. So before he moved to my state and moved in with me I confided in him that I was seriously insecure with myself and was worried about him liking me when we got to the sexual stages. He assured me I had nothing to worry about. He got here and our sex life has been ok so far.

 

But lately...I always find myself initiating things...he never seems to want to do anything sexually unless I start it. Once we get going he's into it though. I have other issues with his ex gf too...we have another message board we are both active in and they had a topic months ago about weird sex places and he listed all these places he did it with his ex and that really got to me.

 

So today I wrote him a big email while we were both working...and I explained the ex issues I have as well as why I have to initiate things. He replies to me that he was with her for 3 years and you get to be comfortable with eachother - we're not at that stage yet...and as far as him not initiating things it's because he doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore. Even though I haven't changed physically since we've been together...in fact I've lost a few pounds. He says I make all these plans to lose weight and I'm not consistent...I know this is true and I feel like a terrible person now because of it. I feel like a failure and that no one will ever love me the way that I am...even though he said he would.

 

I replied to him that I am very upset now and that I don't think I can touch him anymore or be affectionate because why would I want to do that with someone who finds me repulsive?

 

I'm seriously upset right now - I just spent the last 10 minutes crying on my bed.

[Beec]

I think that familairity may be your enemy more than your weight. Some women do not get that a little mystery helps. If I see her naked all the time, seeing her body becomes a nonevent. If she also complains about her weight, and her weight may be not an issue at all for me. But her complaining about it, that I could live without. Examine more how he reacts to things than what he says.

[Jennster]

I never complain about my weight because I thought he was ok with me...I just noticed I was always initiating - that's why I decided to talk to him about it - and then he told me I'm too fat now. And I never get naked all the time...we do take showers together once in a while...but not often. And when we have sex I usually always keep my nightie on somehow.

 

I'm so hurt right now...I know I'm not thinking rationally...I'm afraid when he comes home tonight. I don't want to live here anymore

[yeawutever]

If you're not consistent with what you're saying when you state that you're planning to lose weight, then maybe that's what's bothering him the most instead of just purely your weight. Apart from your weight, were there others things that he didn't make you fell good about??

[moe42]

Its probably not ur weight that is bothering him, if you guys have been having sex for a while maybe he's just getting bored with routine. Try new lingere (sp) or possibly a game, toys, new location, new position, new approach???? Just some ideas

[Jennster]

No...he just mentioned weight - he said everything else about me is great. He is really toned and very athletic and always has been...he doesn't understand weight issues. He said he was willing to help me in any way he could...but he never wants to walk with me which is my favorite thing...and last night while watching tv he offered me some of his ice cream which he KNEW I was not eating anymore due to migraine reasons. I know I'm being stupid - I know I'm not consistent - but I have lost 15 pouunds since last year - yea its slow but it's been permanent. All this makes me want to do now is never eat again.

[Beec]

You are taking his words as gospel, as him speaking exactly what he feels, which few of us do.

 

Routine may be right. You may also be too available.

[patch2006uk]

He said that he thought you were unattractive because of your weight. When you trust the opinion of someone who tells you things like that (and im presuming that in living with, and being with him you do trust him and his opinions) it can cause massive dents in self esteem.

 

It's understandable that you're upset by what he's said, he's swung a massive punch in your direction. And offering you ice cream when he knows that you're trying to avoid eating it, and then calling you inconsistant is a horrible thing to do too.

 

I think you need to have a serious talk about this, because no one should make you feel worthless, because you're not. He shouldn't need sexy lingerie or toys to be attracted to you. He should love you for who you are, not what underwear you have on! Tell him that he has upset you, and that you know you have some issues with your weight, but you are trying to work then out in your own time. If he truly does not find you attractive then you can either leave him and find someone who appreciates you for who you are, or you can agree to work on things.

 

It won't be easy, but everyone has the right to feel beautiful, and when someone tells someone else that they are not, then something is not right in my opinion.

[Jennster]

Thanks Patch - I think your advice fits in line with the situation. I do trust his opinion and his words have hurt me to the core...regardless of if he really meant to say it. He is a man of few words and when he speaks it is deliberate and thought out...thereforeeee that is why I feel so hurt by all of this. I don't think the problem is in needing to spice things up - as I am the one who tries all of those things. I will admit though that I am too available - it comes with the territory of living together. I feel now that we moved too fast...but we're pretty much stuck until March...I have few options at this point. I've replied to him explaining how hurt I am so I am awaiting his response. He comes home in about 4 hours...I am dreading that time.

[Caterina]

You don't deserve that! If you haven't gained weight, he's using it as a way to hurt you. Honestly, I'd break up with that heartless jerk. It sounds like he cares nothing for your feelings. I sympathize that he is making you this insecure...don't use others to validate yourself.

[pacopaco]

hi jennster,

 

first off, as far as your BF posting things about his ex, i don't see it as all that bad. he will always have memories of her, even the hot, steamy ones. you didn't mention any previous experience, but if you have any, you have some sexy memories, too. post them on the site, too.

The weight? well, tell him "this is how i looked when we met, and i'll work on it (if you want to) so that i can feel better about me, but you have no right to try and change me." you don't have to promise him a thing because he found you looking the way you do. you found him the way he looks, and if you look close enough, you'll find that he ain't all that perfect, either. it may help (not in an insulting way) to point out his physical shortcomings for a change.

whatever the situation, if he isn't sexually attracted to you anymore, you'll have to deal with it. what you don't have to deal with is verbal abuse. you didn't specifically say that he was abusive, but if it begins, you need to leave him, NOW! DO NOT DO NOT DO NO DO NOT settle for a verbally abusive relationship. sometimes relationships like those ARE WHY PEOPLE CANNOT MAKE THEMSELVES BETTER, relatively speaking, of course.

[Jennster]

Hey Paco - thanks for the advice. As far as the ex thing goes...it's not so much him posting things about it - I just get sort of jealous because he used to have sex with her in all kinds of interesting places and he's never wanted to do any of it with me. We went on a trip two weekends ago to Moab - it's a big outdoorsy place here with lots of hiking - he wrote in his email that he really wanted to take me off somewhere and get it on - but that he was hesitant because he wasn't sure if I was up for it. I don't understand why he couldn't have asked...and I told him this. I am sexually adventerous but I guess he didn't realize it. I even have a small cute whip thing with feathers on it - I would have thought that would have given him a clue...guess not.

 

And he hasn't been abusive...he was very apologetic for feeling the way he does...he would never say anything to me in person....I doubt it would get to that level but I'll keep my guard up.

[OceanEyes]

I don't really understand why it wouldn't have been an issue when you met, but it is now.

 

This must have been really tough to hear from him, especially since you probably value his opinion above all others. I wouldn't be eager to jump back into bed with a guy who said something like that, either.

 

You're going to need to have a good talk with him. There isn't really much that anyone here can say to you that will fix things between you and your man. Anything that is resolved or understood must be reached and dealt with between you and him. You'll need to clear this up with him, or you just won't be able to relax.

 

The most important thing here - and that worries me - is that you are not comfortable in your own skin. That is the problem. If you change yourself for him, it won't be permanent. Changing yourself FOR yourself is the only way that you'll start feeling good to be you. Working out and eating properly to feel safe, comfortable, and confident in your own skin is worth more than anything. It makes a very significant difference in your life to have this feeling.

[patch2006uk]

I think you really do need to talk to him about exactly why this is a problem for him now, as he knew from before you two moved in together, before the two of you got together even, what the size of your body is. If it really seems like this will be a major problem that he can't get over, then i think it is only fair to yourself to leave him and find someone who truly appreciates everything about you.

 

It won't be easy to leave him if you are tied to a property or a lease until next March (only guessing as that's one reason i can see why it would be difficult to stop living with him), but for the sake of your self esteem and future happiness, if this guy ain't worth being with, then don't be with him.

 

At least when he comes home and you have a chance to talk to him you will know where you stand.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

If you were 180, at 5'4" when you met, and still the same now, then I can't understand what's up with him. If you had drastically changed, that might be a point. If he's not attracted to you anymore for whatever reason, then maybe you're best off to find someone who is attracted to you just the way you are. And he should go find someone who he is attracted to. No point in you both being miserable.

[Lady Bugg]

Hi Jenn..I sent you a PM. Sorry you had to hear this from your B/F.

I believe that's a mean and hurtful thing to say to you...sorry. I don't blame you for feeling hurt.

 

From what you've said it seems to ME that your B/F was TRYING to hurt your feelings. For whatever reason...but I think that's simply unnacceptable. he met you the way you are..and suddenly it's an issue? If he was TRULY trying to be helpful..he would at least ATTEMPT to go on these walks with you...or even offer suggestions. Regardless....if someone said those things to ME..I believe it would be a LONG time before I felt like being intimate with them again. Just my take.

[Jennster]

You guys are awesome! Thanks so much for helping me feel better. He replied to my email again and basically said that he wishes I would take his cricism constructively instead of personally and that if all we're going to do is argue about it then he's done.

 

How can I NOT take it personally? This is ME?!?!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I'm not in your relationship so I don't know as well as you, but if I were you, I'm thinking I would actually take him somewhat literally. It sounds like he finds your weight unattractive. No need for him to be such a butt about it. But also, no need for you to stick around for it, or change yourself for him. Like I said, I think at a point where your SO is telling you they're not attracted to you, is a pretty good point to look around for someone who is.

[patch2006uk]

Yikes! Someone criticises something about you which they know you are insecure about, and then complains when you take it personally?!

 

How is telling someone that they are too fat to be attractive to them anymore 'constructive' criticsm??

 

Be strong, and tell him exactly how you feel because of what he has said to you, and make him understand that you come as you are, and even though you're not perfect (as no one is) you deserve to be treated better than this, and you will not change for anyone other than yourself (as no one should have to).

[OceanEyes]

and basically said that he wishes I would take his cricism constructively instead of personally

 

Well, it IS PERSONAL, what he said. It's not like you two got into an argument over politics or which t.v. show to watch - he hurt and insulted you, and whether or not he actually MEANT to, he did.

 

I wish more men would understand how awful it feels to have your physical appearance critiqued by the man you love. I'm sure that you don't actually WANT to feel hurt, but you also can't help but feel rejected and unattractive. Accepting that he caused this, explaining exactly why he said it, and trying to see your point would probably improve matters greatly. I find men get so defensive at times like this, and it really just escalates and intensifies the entire situation.

 

I doubt that any man would be happy to hear something like, "your penis is way too small for me, but I love the rest of you", or "WOW - you're really starting to lose your hair". If you are the same weight as you were when he met you, then this is obviously more of an issue with him than you.

[eMICHELLEa]

I don't know your relationship..But if he isn't pleased with who you are or how you look than he can't truly love you...And even if he does..it seems to me you deserve MUCH better than that. He knows you have bad self image, so he is way out of line to add to it by insulting you. He needs to explain himself in a way that shows it is actually other issues .Becasue if it isn't he must have some issues of his own.

[Beyondthesea]

Honestly, I dated a guy like this once. I was fine for him when we first started dating, then the criticism began. If you weren't attractive then, he would not have started dating you.

 

I'm really p'od for you. Personally I agree with LadyBugg...this isn't about your weight, this is a blatant attempt to be mean to you.

[Alexi]

If you keep making goals to lose weight and you are inconsistent in reaching those goals then to some extent you are telling him that you arent comfortable with your weight. I dont agree w/ flat out telling someone their weight is unattractive. Something that isnt an issue to him can become an issue if you talk about it. Now you're just pointing out imperfections. Maybe try working out with him maybe you two will have a closer bond & you'd definetely have more motivation to lose weight. Im no relationship expert but maybe he cant tell when you're in "the mood" so he waits for you to initiate. There are so many possiblities to your situation. You should really talk to him, and after that evaluate wether or not he is really the type of person you want to be w/ b/c whoever you're with should love you as you are.

[annie24]

I have to agree, if you were the same weight (or even a little more!) when you got together, he doesn't really have a case for you being too big for him now. Unfortunately, it DOES sound like he is trying to hurt you. Like oceaneyes said, would you ever say to him, "I'm sorry, your penis is too small for me?"

 

I'm wary of men such as these, because what happens if you get married, have a few children and pack on 20 pounds? is he going to use that as an excuse to cheat? I'm just not sure how supportive of a partner/husband he would be, but you know him and I don't. I'm just putting that out there.

 

I think you should consider losing 175 pounds - in the form of your boyfriend!

[Beyondthesea]

I think you should lose 175 pounds - in the form of your boyfriend!

 

Completely agree.