i can see i'm not alone...but i feel alone...

[r3drobin]

of course i know the replies i will get as i've been reading for about half an hour before i decided to post....but i'm going to post anyway. just to get it out i spose...to have some "poor me" time.

i'm falling apart. i had a 2 year relationship end for good today. we've been back and forth since January when i moved out. back and forth thru him dating someone else...back an forth thru my mothers death...back and forth for way too long. but i've always felt in my heart we would end up together. and he has given me every indication he felt the same... at least up until 7/7/06, the day after he dumped the girl he was dating and decided to "give us another try". ever since that day he has verbalized his doubts in us. he has gone from constant emails, text messages and phone calls telling me how much he loved me, missed me, missed us, and wanted us desperately to work this out...to constantly telling me he didnt think this would work, he didnt feel the same and basically... well, sending me the "dear john" letter about an hour ago.

and i am a mess. i have never gone through something like this with an ex. i have never wanted to, let alone try to, get back together with someone. and i just...i'm dying here. i cant imagine how i'm going to let go. i cant imagine a life without him. even though i've been without him physically since January... i always had hope. and now i'm being forced to give that up. and i just dont know how. at least all this time i had some hope for us in the future... and now i dont even have that.

worst of all i have nothing...noone. and i'm not kidding about that. my mom passed away suddenly in march... in my depression i quit my job of 10 years and havent worked since. i have only ever had one close friend...and i've had to let her go from my life as well for personal reasons. i sit alone in my apartment, 2 miles from the home i shared with my ex...in which he still lives....and i cry. and i just dont know how to come thru this. i dont want to come thru this. i want him. i want him.

 

robin

[Dako]

Robin

 

I'm sorry to see your first post here is much like mine and many others.

Being dumped is a physical shock that takes time to accept, but you can heal from this and become stronger.

 

Are you able to get by financially for a while?

 

Be sure to make yourself eat and drink lots of water. Dehydration can only make you more miserable. If you can't eat, smoothies, ice cream or anything soft and easy on your stomach will help.

 

Crying is a good way to let it out. It'll be a while until you get to another stage of this, but right now, please lean on us here.

 

You'll get plenty of help here. Lots of members have been through this wringer, but time and a helpful hand can do wonders. Just take it one step at a time.

[r3drobin]

thank you for your reply. i have about another month before my money starts to run out... i am currently looking for a job but i dont seem to have much motivation to pound the pavement so to speak. i know, no money and bills to pay should be the motivation but i just cant find it today...and i doubt tomorrow either.

so much has happened in the past few months for me...alot of positive things...mainly renewing my faith in God. however, today i have to say i feel some anger towards God. that he brought Anthony (the ex) back into my life for exactly 10 days...to only bring us to yet another goodbye. why would He do such a thing? when i was feeling better about losing Anthony 11 days ago...why did God have to bring him into my life again to take him away again? i cannot grasp this at all. i'm wondering what i have done so horribly in my life to deserve the 2 most important people being taken away from me... one of them twice.

i just cannot see the way out of this right now. and the pain in unbearable.

[Aurian]

Don't be mad at God. Be mad at your ex for giving you hope and then crushing them again. Its okay to be upset, you've been through a lot. Its okay to be sad and hurt. Sometimes life hurts, you don't deserve to put through pain, its not your fault. It just happens.

 

Allow yourself a couple days to grieve, do what makes you feel happy or at least comforted. Then tell yourself that things balance out in the end, so after experiencing pain, you are due for some good in your life. Pick yourself up and find a job, make yourself feel good and close the chapter in the story called Anthony.

[shamus]

robin,

same thing happened to me a 5 months ago. we broke up, I was devastated. after a month, we got back together, then she dumped me again...worst feeling in the world. I too was angry at God.

I tried dating, and was miserable. I felt so hurt and felt life was unfair, as my ex had left me for a new guy.

i finally decided to take care of myself and not care. Going to the gym, focusing on work, hanging with friends...it was tough at first, but better than sitting at home moping.

then something happened...i felt better about myself, and 6 weeks ago met a great girl who blows my ex away, is kind, caring, respectful, and not a cheater.

things are starting to get serious between us.

i dont want my ex back, dont really think about her that much, except for what a "B" she was to me and now I am thankful that there is someone in my life that I know will give me the respect i deserve...it's pretty much why i havent been on here that much, but i've grown a lot from it, and you will as well.

 

you will hear posts saying take time for yourself, etc.

it is the hardest thing to do. you will have good days, have your bad days.

if you are home alone, yell, scream, cry...dont bottle up those emotions. I'd punch a pillow regularly just to get that emotional release.

 

we are all here for you

[amb1873]

I also had the same thing happen. My ex broke up with me in February but it was a very emotional breakup and there were a lot of leftover feelings between us so I definitely had hope that we would be together again. In May we had dinner to figure out what to do with our relationship and he confessed that he wanted to try again. We spent every waking moment of the next month together- only to have him tell me he had fallen out of love with me and it was over. I have to tell you, that the INITIAL shock of the 2nd breakup was worse because I truly thought after losing him once I would never lose him again, that we would only be stronger. BUT, hope can be a very very bad thing when it comes to breakups. Hope keeps you hanging on to something that is dead, hope keeps you from moving on, hope keeps you clinging to something that hurt you and doesn't allow you to move on and meet other people that are a better fit for you. But you have to face it, after breakup #2 all hope is pretty much gone. It's a clean cut now and you can tell yourself that instead of sitting around and waiting and hoping for him to come back it's time to take steps every single day in the right direction to move on and become whole again, focus on yourself and what makes you happy, and yes, eventually meet someone else who will make you think to yourself THANK GOD that @sshole left me or I never would have found this amazing person that I have!

 

Just my 2 cents Hasn't happened for me yet but it's only been a month and a half. I have faith

 

It will get better. I know you don't believe it right now, but each day it gets just a little bit better.

[r3drobin]

thanks to everyone for the replies. my head knows all of what you say is true...its my heart that is breaking and hurting so badly!!

i asked him to come over tonite...who knows why...i swear there is a lil evil woman inside me just begging for more pain. my thoughts at the moment were, "ok.. its over...but i want him as a friend. i cant bear to live my life without him in some way". and instead when he got here i cried my eyes out...i begged him to explain to me how he could just give up on a love like ours. of course there is no answer...there are no answers to any of my questions. it just is.

i was able to bring myself to ask him to stay in my life as a friend. our friendship has always been very strong and like i said earlier, i have pretty much zero close friends. of course he said yes...after pointing out that at one time i told him i couldnt be his friend if we werent together... he said he wouldnt do that to me...yes he'll be there but we need time to heal. and before he left i still made him tell me that he couldnt predict the future and that if he ever thought we could make it to not be afraid to ask.

 

what the hell is wrong with me. could i possibly have the words DOORMAT any bolder on my forehead? i know that time will change what i'm feeling right now...i just needed something...anything...to hold on to tonite. not that i'm going to bed (sleeping pill induced) feeling any better....but i had to have it.

*amb1873* i am afraid i'm giving myself false hope again...but i think time and hopefully my rational mind will take over. and maybe God will too... hoping He forgives me for my anger and questioning of His plan for me.

[shamus]

amb and robin

 

I know exactly how you both feel, i felt the same way.

yes, when me and my ex got back together i thought we were "going to make it" that the fighting and the bs would stop, and we realized what we had together.

after the 2nd breakup, both induced by her, i still held onto hope, a month later she wanted to try again, but it really was something a ploy if you will to keep me on the back burner, she backed out of getting back together and 2 weeks later was screwing someone else.

it took a long time to accept and move on. sometimes the pain is still there, and that wound may never fully heal...

but i did grow stronger from it.

and my new relationship is so much better, so much easier....i didnt think i would find someone new that stirred the same feelings in me-but it is so much better when someone appreciates you for you and doesnt play games.

 

robin as for being a doormat, i was there too. your dignity and self respect are not worth it trust me on this.

 

keep posting here and feel free to IM me if you need. these forums helped me greatly, come here and vent as much as you like.

btw, you are very attractive, so you will have the opportunity to meet someone better for you. but right now, take time for yourself

 

false hope is the worst, be wary of any thing that may give you that.

 

go NO contact immediately, keep yourself busy. nighttime will be the worst as you will have to keep yourself occupied. make sure you have someone you can call or text if you feel the need to contact your ex

[r3drobin]

thanks for that shamus.

at 5:30 this morning i woke up suddenly thinking i heard my phone... i lay there telling myself, no..its not your phone dont even bother. of course i had to look...and of course it was not my phone. no messages from Anthony ... like so many other times when he would text me in the middle of the night, "i miss you" "im thinking of you"... i imagine those will be no more. and that, with aaaaaaaaaaaall the other things on the list, makes me so so sad.

this morning (bout 20 mins ago) when i woke up it was very quiet and dark in my apartment. i felt very alone. im sitting here with my coffee and i just dont know what to do. the things i can do, need to do, i dont want to do. and yet i dont want to stare at the tv either.

its like i'm in quicksand.

[Dako]

Robin,

 

I felt a bit better by waking out the front door and just walking until I was exhausted, stopping to eat along the way. It pulled me out of myself enough to escape the opression of familiar surroundings and objects that triggered ghosts of things past. Stopping to pet a dog or watch a crow hop along a fence might raise a wistful smile. I also felt reassured by nature's miracles, since I'm an agnostic. Sunsets and sunrises are pretty powerful to me.

 

Just a thought.

[doyle]

Robin,

 

you have to remember that this is all a process, I once felt the same as my heart and mind were a battle field and I did not know which one would win. I am going into my second month of the breakup and I am not going to lie it still hurts sometimes, mostly the weekends. I agree with everyone on here that you need to keep yourself busy, open the blinds in your apartment, call everyone you know, sit in a public place, just get out of the apartment.

 

with that being said give yourself time to grieve that is the only thing that is going to get you to the other end. If you get a chance take a look at my thread "lost in my mind" i had so much support on here.

 

one day at a time...

[Scout]

Robin, you have been dealt two terrible blows in such a short time frame, and I cannot tell you how much my heart - and I'm sure everyone else's here on eNotalone - goes out to you in this very difficult time for you. I am really, really sorry to hear about your mother. And I'm also sad your boyfriend has not been there for you - not 100% - while you're struggling with this loss.

 

I have no real words of wisdom, other than you have more strength than you probably realize. You'll get through this and eventually see light at the end of the tunnel - but it won't be easy. Best for you to just know that in the interim you have a place to come to where you can pour out whatever you're feeling. We're really here for you, hon.

[r3drobin]

thank you Scout

 

doyle...wow, i read alot of that thread and it really hit home. how is it that knowing all these people have gone through what im going through, doesnt help? i want it to help...i even find myself thinking Jennifer Aniston probably went through this too! LOL... ridiculous i know.

i still have yet to complete a "day 1" of this breakup...i woke up today wanting to just send a lil email of hi hello to him. no i didnt do it but i sure wanted to. reading these posts seems to be a good/bad thing... i get some strength replying and giving advice (as you know its easier to give than receive) but then i read posts and think, "yea...me too. oh yea, i remember that. oh hell, i didnt think about that!"...and it makes me hurt.

i am all over the place...and none of it feels good. i'm going to try to get my butt out of this chair and to the gym. Lord please dont let me cry on the treadmill... it took ALOT not to yesterday.

doyle--- i love your words... dont stop.

[Scout]

Robin, try swimming, too. If your town has a local rec center, a day pass to a pool is usually just a few dollars. Swimming is both psychologically and physically cleansing. And you can cry your heart out if you need to.

[kellbell]

Hello Robin,

 

Welcome to eNotalone although I am so sorry your circumstances has brought you here. I am sorry about your mom. (((HUGS)))

 

Is there any other family you can call or any other people you know to call? The initial stages of a breakup is real hard. Is there any hobbies you are interested in? Going to the gym sounds like a great idea. Get all that frustration and out and get those endorphins flowing. Perhaps keeping a journal about how you are feeling. Sometimes writing down everything can be very cleansing and cathartic.

 

We are here for you, anytime. Take care.

 

(((hugs)))

[doyle]

Robin...I am glad that you are able to find some motivation to get out and to the gym. To be honest it does not help that much knowing that other are going through what you are right now because no one here can take away the pain that you have right now. I might be off on this but I can assume that you were not able to grieve your mother passing and once you turned to the one person that you saw as "stable" they too left. I can understand how your head must be all over the place and you feel unbalanced...

 

I also understand the urge to send an e-mail him, i would send e-mails to my ex girlfriend, I found that I would pour my heart to her with no response from her end. It was like I was dealing with the breakup over and over again. At some point your mind and heart will be so tired of hurting that you will find some inner peace.....If this helps any I found that I would post on this site, instead of sending an e-mail to her, I did not post my feelings for her but at least it took care of the need to send something out...

 

At some point when the fog of the pains lifts a few inches from your eyes, you will begin to find a direction...feel your feelings, and right now it is ok not to be ok trust me.

 

you know i am in my 30's as well and all i could think about was why me why now!? It was stumping my healing I was looking towards tomorrow with out finding today. I think the loss of who i was, was greater with this relationship then any other relationship. I also believe that age and experiences contribute to that.

[Hope75]

Hi Robin,

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through recently. This has been a tough year for you indeed.

 

I agree with others that getting out if possible is good for you- especially to the gym.

 

Other suggestions are to try and develop some outside friendships. A guy should never be everything to you, for the very reason that's happened to you now...what happens when he is gone? I did this same thing myself in the past, and when my 2 year relationship ended I was devestated and had no one. Some good ways to meet friends are to check out your local community center, check if your local movie theatre has "singles' night", take a non credit class, (cooking, photography, sewing...) and chat up new people!

 

Take a few days to feel sad about this breakup, and then make yourself get out there and start job hunting. Set a goal-- 5 applications/resumes sent out per day, and 2 follow up phone calls per day. You'll be amazed at the boost in your self esteem will get when you start getting phone calls for interviews.

 

Make sure you take care of yourself... eat well, get some sleep and drink plenty of water, as Dako mentioned. And post here! We are a great outlet for your feelings, and there is almost always someone here to listen and respond.

 

You will get through this.

 

((HUGS))

[BellaDonna]

Hi there. It sounds like you have been through so much. I agree with all the advice you have been given so far.

 

I do think it's important that no matter how bad things are, you really push yourself to get another job- because you don't want to have financial troubles on top of the other things you are facing. I know it's hard, because when you're depressed you lose your motivation. But you need to take the strength that's left inside and use it to push you get out into the world again. The good thing about a new job is that it holds the potential for new friends too.

 

A very good friend of mine has gone through a similar situation. She lost her mom at a young age and then had a very rocky long-term relationship with someone that did not want to commit to her. Getting the drama of her ex out of her life did help her a lot. Frankly, when you're dealing with so much already- you don't need that kind of headache to add to it. I think you should begin No Contact with your ex.

 

Thing wills get better. I know it seems impossible right now, but they will improve.

 

There was a book that was featured on enotalone a few weeks ago that you might want to look into. I think it may help in your situation (I picked it up for my friend who lost her mom, and she like it):

 

link removed

 

Please remember that you are not alone, and come talk to us whenever you need someone to listen,

 

 

BellaDonna

[superpatch]

My girlfriend of 7 1\2 years just finished with me. I was going to ask her to marry me in 2 weeks time.

 

Imagine how I'm feeling. My whole world is falling apart. I hope you get through it though.

[doyle]

Robin,

 

I am just checking on you to make sure that you got some type of sleep? It makes it so much worse when you do not rest, you need all the energy that you can muster to get your head straight. As you feel comfortable, keep posting it really will allow those feelings to come out of you. This entire forum are passengers of the same roller coaster some have made it off and other are just getting on for the first time, but we have all experienced this ride some time in our life... just hold on a scream alot!!

[r3drobin]

thanks again to everyone for the support. i have to say i feel ok today... or shud i say at this moment...as i know all too well it can change in the blink of an eye. it's already 1 pm here and i havent made it to the gym... am contemplating that now but not sure i'll make it. i have spent all day online paying bills and balancing the checkbook so i havent really had time to think of much else.

i think maybe my calmness today is also due to the fact he went on vacation yesterday to the virgin islands... not like i could contact him if i wanted. but i am thankful he is out of town since we live in the same area, 2 miles from each other. these few days without being able to contact him will help me distance myself some. all of our time back and forth this year.. i've always been able to feel stronger the less contact we have... so this is a good first step.. him going out of town.

anyway... on another note... i do feel a bit sad about my mom today. i had to cancel the peoplepc account i had set up for her last year... did that today. it was hard as hell to look in her email and see things she had sent just days before her death. no doyle, i dont think i have had proper time to grieve as the Anthony thing has taken over since 2 weeks after my mom's death. its been a long hard road.... i am so tired. and i need her so very very much right now. someone asked if i had other family... i have a tiny family. my gramma, mom's mom, passed away 1.5 years ago. i have 2 brothers, one older and married and not very family friendly. my little brother is amazing but has so much drama in his life and is so busy that i cant lean on him as much as i'd like to. (just a quick note, he has 3 kids with a woman that he hasnt been able to see since before xmas and his new wife of less than a year is pregnant now. he lives in my moms house and the 2 babies mommas are not friendly at all)

my moms sister moved here from MI about 2 years ago and she adores me... i do reach out to her on occasion but she's a bit high strung...hehe.. can only take in small doses. my father, lives in NE with his wife. he's as close as can be with so many miles between us... he tends to be very judgemental and isnt exactly no.1 on my list of people to call when i'm hurting.

anyway... you can see why i'm so thankful to have found this website. i love you all already.

 

xoxo

robin

[chai714]

Robin,

 

I've read your last few posts and I'm sorry to hear about your losses.

 

I can say that grieving and getting over the loss of anyone whether it be death or relationship - it's a process. There are stages and your emotions can go wild. At times, you'll feel ok and at other times you'll feel like crumbling because you might feel abandoned. Many of us have been there and have felt the same way you do now.

 

Realize that none of this is your fault and through internal strength, you will eventually get through this. You seem like a really sweet girl. I encourage you to do as much as you can to stay physically and mentally healthy. If posting here helps, then do so. If going to the gym helps, then do that. If you want to sob around the house for an entire weekend, that's fine too.

 

Hang in there Robin. We're on your side.

[Hope75]

Hey Robin,

 

Glad to hear you are feeling some peace today. I know what you mean about feelings changing from day to day though. The grieving process certainly isn't a linear one... we can go back and forth and fluctuate or stay stuck in one phase indefinitely.

 

You sound like a very strong person... I know with time you will come through this with renewed faith and strength. You have a strong connection with God, and remember He doesn't put us through anything he knows we can't handle.

 

Now that your bills for this month are paid, maybe tomorrow's goal can be to get out there with some resumes and fill out applications. Even if you don't feel strong, sometimes just forcing yourself out there will get the ball rolling, and at the end of the day you might feel better, having that sense of accomplishment.

 

Hang in there, friend!

[r3drobin]

sad songs will be the death of me tonite.

[OceanEyes]

i havent really had time to think of much else.

I completely get this. And, I won't try to assume that I've been through what you're going through - you have lost SO much in such a short time that I wouldn't know whether I was coming or going.

 

The one thing I do know about grief is that it comes in stages (it did for me, anyway). And, no matter how badly you feel right now, you WILL get through it. How it worked for me:

 

- Shock

 

- Acceptance & hysteria

 

- Pain

 

- Numbness & confusion

 

- Slight optimism (or what I like to refer to as "the survival twitch", reminding you that you're too important to waste away)

 

- Motivation to go on = the road to happiness

 

- Clarity (at this point you'll probably realize everything that you can't see right NOW - you seem like a lovely person and will get to this point if you can hold on through the rest)

 

I can empathize with your feelings of depression. I can suggest some possible activities for you to feel a bit better, but I believe that everyone is different and will go through things at their own pace. As soon as you feel up to it, getting outside, breathing fresh air will help a bit. Not a lot, but even a little bit helps.

 

Are you into any types of art? I always find myself creating things when I'm depressed. It actually helps to express yourself in some way. Have you ever given sketching a try? Perhaps writing? These are both outlets for me when I feel hopeless. Try writing a manuscript about your life - be as gory and explicit as you need to be. Getting your feelings out - and in FRONT of you can sometimes help not only to SEE what you feel, but to actually vent it to a completely anonymous source. Nobody has to see it but you.