Should i marry her?

[Spawn]

Jades, i think you will be sacrificing a lot for a woman who is telling you what she wants and just dismisses all your feelings and concerns for your parents.

You say you will never meet someone who care for you like she does. But really if she cared wouldn't she care about your concerns too besides that she just put somethin before you "someone is there as a backup for marraige" thing, talk about being mean and selfish for her side of things to work regardless of whatever decision you would make of this.

 

You have it all there, marraige is a big decision and you already have lot of concerns before it.

[arwen]

Jades, I think either way it is a difficult decision. I think saying 'yes' is easier on the short term, but you will only push the problems to the future, while meanwhile they will probably grow. I don't get the best impression of your relationship with this girl, are you actually happy with her? I don't understand this 'payback' thing. Relationships aren't about paying back. That would imply mutual debts, while in fact, the love should be mutual. I find it very strange that going abroad is SO important to her that she is willing to marry someone else. Doesn't that make you wonder if she wants to marry you JUST for the same reason as she would marry the other guy???

 

Ilse

[jades77]

We have hardly been together in the last two years to even say that we are happy together. Even at times we are on the phone, the conversation is aways curt and rude. When i ask her why she is being so rude to me, she says i made her like that. Its been over a year that i have been asking her to forgive me for the past and i have been trying to do whatever i can to make her feel better.

 

She is marrying this guy because her parents dont want her to go alone. She is also not keeping well so she needs help when she is there in a new place. She is doing this at most for her parents. She wants to go abroad because she has got admission into a top university out there and wants to make the best use of her education by staying on there.

 

But i dont fit in her plans for her future because what i want is something else. By asking her to come back later would mean i am being selfish, which i dont want to be. At the same time, i dont undertstand why she is ready to give up on this relationship because of her plans for her future. Does that mean that this relationship was never strong enough? She thinks this is ending because of me since i said i cant move there forever. I even told her i am ready to move there for 6-8 years after which we could consider coming back. But even that is not OK with her. She seems to flare up easily on things and very soon our conversation ends because she or i cant take it anymore. Somehow there is so much bitterness, which i think is causing all this.

 

But i guess its just that feeling of not wanting to lose the one u love thats making us hold on to each other. I dont think i can ever be so intimate again with someone...Its more of the fear of the unknown i guess...

[arwen]

But how could the 'unknown' possibly be worse than THIS situation? I have had my share of problems in relationships, but they would lead to a break up, moving on and finding someone else. If that doesn't work out, the same happens again. This is a normal thing for most people, I know few people who have had just ONE relationship and married happily with that same person. It's a process of finding out what you want in life, and having (romantic) relationships is a part of that. The last TWO years is a rather long time of not being happy. Why would you even consider marrying her? Things won't magically change after marriage. You will live away from your parents, and who says you will be happy with her when you live in a foreign country?

 

When I first broke up with my first bf (now 3 years ago, we were together for 3.5 years), I thought the same as you. That being intimate with another person would be impossible. It is true that with anyone else, it's DIFFERENT. But who knows, it might feel BETTER with someone else. Your frame of reference is just narrowed down to only her.

 

If I were you, based on your stories, NO I would certainly NOT marry her. If possible, I would cut off all contact and try to move on. Life is too short to be stuck to someone who doesn't add something positive to your life.

 

Ilse

[voltaire]

I think you have to let her go. After all, SHE is the one giving you an ultimatum, SHE is the one threatening to end the relationship if you don't give in, SHE is the one who already has someone else lined up to marry if you don't abandon your own family, and SHE is the one who has already said that the main reason for this is that her parents want her to be married before she goes. Believe me, you are involved with a ruthless, uncaring, selfish person. Let her go - she doesn't care about you, your feelings or your family, and you will find someone much better.

[RayKay]

The fact that she is willing to marry someone else if you say no, just to get married so she can appease her parents before going, tells me right there and then that she does not love you as you may love her. To her, you ARE interchangable....and as long as you don't serve her purpose of being married so she can go over there, she will leave regardless, and marry someone else.

 

You have not even had much of a "relationship" by the sounds of it the last couple years. If she is rude, curt...how does that make YOU feel? Do you truly feel loved and appreciated for whom you are? Sorry, but marrying her won't make her treat you better, or make you happier together.

 

Honestly, there is no way I would get married in this situation. Sure, it's scary to break things off and be single again, and not "know"...but it sure beats being in an unhappy relationship...or worse in an unhappy relationship thousands of miles away from family & friends. Trust me, life will get better as you put this negative relationship behind you.

[whatchamacallit]

Jades, reading your posts and the replies reminds me of my own situation. While mine may not be as extensive as yours such as moving to another country, it's parallel to yours. The choice between family and the love of your life is one of the most difficult, gut wrenching decisions anyone would have to go through. We go through grief during this time, mourning the death of the relationship. We also fear being alone, never having again what we had with that person. And, it's true that we won't have what we had, but we'll have different. Maybe even better. I know cause I am feeling this now. RayKay made a very good point about that pain being lesser than the pain of being in an unhealthy marriage or relationship. I have to tell myself this daily. What I do is concentrate on his faults and see his behavior as manipulative and controlling. And that helps temporarily.

 

You shouldnt have to choose. A caring partner would never ask you to choose, or pressure you into something you really don't want to do and is so life changing. I also agree that having someone "in her back pocket" to marry is not a good sign. A sign that you are replacable and should make you wonder if she did ever love YOU, but instead loved what you could do for HER. Very selfish.

 

You have my heartfelt sympathies, Jades. This indecision will absolutely drive you insane. But, there is light at the end of the tunnel when you do the right thing. Sounds like doing the right thing involves taking care of your parents. That carries more honor that following after someone who is basically a selfish person. They (your parents) won't be here forever and you certainly can't replace THEM. I know it hurts to even just think about losing her. I find that I may have been co-dependant with my S/O. I also think I may never meet anyone else. But, I have to quit that thinking just for my own sanity.

[DN]

There is a bottom line formula that you should always, and I mean always, apply when deciding whether to marry someone. It requires only that you strip away all the reasons for and against and bring it down to one thing:

 

if in doubt - don't.

 

You have serious and well-founded doubts. So my advice is - don't get married.

[justpaisley]

if in doubt - don't.

 

You should make that a sticky at the top of this forum.

[jades77]

Dear Raykay -

 

Thanks for all the wonderful advice...Its heartbreaking to think of all the times i have spent dreaming about what we could do together...She has been on my mind, all the time, every moment, during all these years. I used to call her almost everyday when i was away to try to get things back to normal, but nothing helped. I have cried over her as much as i have never cried in my life before. I used to do silly things to gain her attention. She knows all this, but still never put in enough effort to work on the core problems we had. I sometimes used to ask myself if what i did was such a big crime that it could never be forgiven. I had NEVER cheated on her and always thought that she is the one for me in the whole world. Yes, i made mistakes of not taking care of her at times and being insensitive, but even after i realized and admiited them, it doesnt seem to help. She says that its because of me that she has become like this and she doesnt want to talk to me or share anything with me anymore....She did say she would want to work on this after we get married...but somehow i was never convinced.

 

There have been other people who have cared for me in this meanwhile but i couldnt respond to them with any feelings at all. Sometimes i feel they will care for me more if i ever be with them. But the sad part is that i dont love them at all, they are good friends, but i cant accept the fact of marrying them..Cant see them in that role...I guess you would agree that i should not marry someone who i do not love...But what if i dont fall in love again? Given that i am 29 years old, i dont even have too much time to wait for someone to come by, and sometimes the peer pressure gets onto me. All my friends are married by now and most of them have had successful love marriages....Sometimes i fear i might end up saying "yes" to escape these terrible thoughts that come to my head, but then somehow i cant do it. Its taken me 10 days to think through this every minute of every day and i cant convinice myself to marry her. BUt i still love her and want her so badly. Sometimes when i look back, it feels like i spent all this time, energy, feelings on something that came to nothing, all the dreams suddenly have been broken and am faced with this dreadful task to making it though this phase knowing that its all dark and uncertain out there for me...

[arwen]

All my friends are settling down as well. But it doesn't mean that you should settle down with the wrong person in the wrong country. DN has told you the same as my first response yesterday, if you have so many great doubts (moving abroad even seems to be a MINOR issue compared to the way she treats you in general), DON'T.

 

She is using you to get abroad the same as she is using the other guy she claims she will marry. She would prefer you, but that doesn't mean she loves you. I don't know if she really loves you, I obviously can't judge that, but there are many red flags popping up in your story.

 

Take care and keep us posted,

 

Ilse

[whatchamacallit]

Jades, another red flag to me is her telling you that you're the cause of the problems. My guy projected his faults onto me and that's a controlling behavior. I know how desparate you feel when they're all you've thought about for so much time. It would be like cutting off your arm or leg to leave them, or let them move on. Could ya'll take a break for a while, a long while so you can tend to your parents and she could do what she wants? Then, if fate allows, you and she could get back together later and see if it would work? I know that sounds futile and you'd be afraid of losing her to the other guy, but sometimes you just have to let the chips fall where they may. I don't mean to sound harsh, though. Just wish there was something to work out cause I have been just where you're at.

[Cadence308]

It seems like there's a consensus that you and your gf need to work on communication issues before getting married. The fact that she is so adament about moving to Europe and can not and will not compromise with you about this and living close to your elderly parents seems selfish to me. If she loves you as much as she says that she does, why is she pretty much giving you the ultimatum on this one? Your parents are old and sick often. They are people that you care about and she is almost making you choose between her or them.

 

Is there any way that your parents can move to Europe with you so that you can still be there for them and still marry the girl you love? If it's possible that your parents would move, then I would just talk to them about it and how you feel conflicted because you love this girl, but if you two get married she insists on living in Europe and how you want to stay close to your parents if they should need you.

[Tigris]

I'm sorry but I don't think this relationship is going to work. Getting married to her is not the right thing to do. I get the feeling that she's not even willing to work on the relationship. All she's after is marrying someone so she's got an excuse to get her parents blessing to go and live in europe. She's going to do that to get what she wants no matter what the consequences are afterwards.

 

What happens if you marry her and you get out there and she falls in love with someone else? My guess is she'll dump you and go off with them and you'll be all alone.

 

You say you're 29 and it's getting late in life to get married. I got married the first time at 23 after 2 years my husband stopped having sex with me and never told me why. I stayed with him until we'd been married for 5 years with no physical or emotional contact. Still in the same bed! I got divorced and married my husband when I was 28 and I started divorce proceedings last year when I was 42. I'm now engaged and getting married next year.

 

Don't rush in to being married because you think nobody will want you in the future.

 

My advice is let her go and give yourself a chance for your real soulmate to find you. Someone who feels the same way about family loyalties etc., as you.

 

You sound like a person who 'gives' and your girlfriend sounds like she's a person who 'takes'. Your ideal mate would be another person who 'gives' and is willling to compromise to be with you.

 

Please choose wisely.

 

Good luck and take care.

[kellbell]

"I get the feeling that she's not even willing to work on the relationship. All she's after is marrying someone so she's got an excuse to get her parents blessing to go and live in europe. She's going to do that to get what she wants no matter what the consequences are afterwards."

 

Absolsutely, 100% agree with this. Do not marry her.

[Siriana]

Look, you have a huge disagreement and agreement is impossible. The fact is that you need to find someone who has same values as you do. This is huge difference, when two people don't have the same idea where to live and how to cope with family obligations. if you agree with her soon you will be full of resentment and trust me you will divorce.

 

This is not a problem, this is just the tip of an iceberg. Imagine that you're married and all those difficult decisions that has to me made - raising children, finantial planning, house keeping.....

 

Just because you were dating someone for 5 years doesn't mean that you must marry that person.

And don't be a coward by sticking to her eventough things don't look good.

[Siriana]

You're only 29 and you think that you have expiring date? So I am 25 and o I should start worrying that I will never get married? It sounds illogical? Yes, because it is. If you feel lonely buy a puppy - they love unconditionaly and it's better to do that than to be with someone just to be with someone. Please don't do that. You deserve more.

[jades77]

I honestly don't know why she is marrying him. I guess once I have Said No She has no reasons to wait for Something or Someone. I know She loves me, but Still doubt See why she Should marry him apart from the fact that her parents want it so. I have been repeatedly telling her that I cannot do without her and that we should try to work this out. All I have asked her for now is to be flexible enough to move back if ever my parents were bedridden, even if that happens Six to eight years from now. But She is So adamant that she doesn't want to listen. I even asked her if She was willing to reconsider this decision at a later point in time. Things Change with time and I told her that she or myself world probably think differently after that long. But She is not even willing to Consider it. She has very clearly Stated that if I am not ok in moving for good their I can go my way and She will go hers. And there we are, She is getting married to this guy next week...and I feel so helpless...

[Tigris]

I'm sorry but the truth is she doesn't really care about you or she wouldn't be going through with the wedding.

[arwen]

Jades, I am sorry that this happened to you but life will bring you much better things, really. She is not the one you want to be with, even if you feel different now. How can she possibly love you and get married to a random person just to get to Europe and satisfy her parents? That is very manipulative and poisoning. Also the other things you write about the relationship are worrisome. I know it's hard now, but you will be able to move on. You are still a young man, and all is not lost.

 

You will find a complete different definition of love when you are able to move on and meet new people. At the moment, your frame of reference is just her, not the best example of a loving relationship I'd say.

 

Did she actually say that she is getting married next week? She is RUDE. Not only for marrying like that, but also for not breaking up properly, not respecting the love that you have for your parents (which is a great thing), not respecting your wishes at all. I hope you have the power to cut her out of your life. It will be a lot easier to move on if you have nothing to do with her anymore. I know this can sound harsh, but I get the impression that you are so hung up on her, and it's not making you happy, is it?

 

Take care and keep us posted. You will be fine, and we are all here to listen to you when you need

 

Ilse

[jades77]

Sometimes I wonder if all this is an effect of that "Romantic love" which exists between us. Is there a possibility that this feeling will fade away? If that happens, I am afraid all the other problems which I have ignored so far will surface up.

 

strangely, I am not feeling jealous about this guy who She might marry. There was a time when even her Spending time with any other guy world drive me mad. Somehow I dont feel that possessive anymore. Not Sure what changed.

[Hope75]

Hi Jades,

 

Everyone here has given you some really good advice, I really don't have anything left to add except a few thoughts.

 

Do you think you love a memory of the way she was before, and not the person who cares so little about your and your feelings (totally legitimate feelings!) that she is choosing to marry someone else?

 

This is 2006, and by no means is she being forced to marry this guy so she can move to Europe. She seems a very selfish person who thinks only of what she wants and nothing of you, your family, or the absolute compromise that a marriage needs to survive. If my bf's mother was ailing I'd be right there nursing her to the bitter end with him- because I love him, and his family, and THAT is what love is- the entire big picture. It's not just about me, and it never will be. When you agree to marry someone, you take their thoughts and feelings into as much consideration as you own, as a couple, and work on compromises that suit you both.

 

She won't even CONSIDER moving back if your family was BEDRIDDEN.... that's just awful! So selfish!

 

It really does seem she only has her eye on HER prize.... it's really quite sad but I agree with others in that you will be sooo much better off letting her go and cutting contact. Let her marry this other guy and make him miserable with her selfish attitude.

 

And at 29 you have PLENTY of time to meet someone, get married and have a family. I am 30 and not there yet myself- but there is plenty of time. Heck, the British author Helen Fielding just gave birth to her second child at 48, and the first one was at 46. You have LOTS of time, trust me on this one.

 

Hang in there, friend!

[jades77]

You are So correct. Though I want her So much, I am not happy with the way things are between us. And yes, I am So hung op on her that its not making me happy at all.

 

She called Me two nights before her engagement and asked me if I was ready to move with her. She happened to fix the date of her engagement with him much earlier when She felt that things may not work out between us. At that time I was looking for a new job in the place that I had to move to. As it was taking longer then expected, she thought I was not serious about moving and she accepted the other guy's proposal. I just found that whole thing So weird. Anyway, when she called me two days before her engagement, I told her I was not willing to move on Conditions she had put forth. The engagement happened after that and she Said she will be married in a few days from now. She again asked me last week if I wanted to do this but I gave her the Same answer. All along i have been Saying is that I am ready to move with her for the next few years (six to eight) but when either of my parents are bedridden, I need to move back. She is not ok with this at all. This guy is an old friend of hers but I know she doesn't love him. She is doing it for her family.

[jades77]

What you said is So true - I really love those memories than what she is today. Whenever I start talking about my family, She immediately Says "What about mine?" I try to Convince her that I dont differentiate, but she takes It negatively.

 

Yes, its true that she is not willing to even Consider Coming back if my parents were so helpless that one of them Couldn't move. she Says things like -We Can visit them for a while but then be back, or She Says that they Can Come Visit us. I know how tough it is for Someone as old as 70 years who is already Sick to travel this far so often.

 

Sometimes when I think about everything thats happening, I feel that She is indeed being Selfish or she is trying to get even because of what happened in the past. In any Case, She has made if very clear to me that She wourd only be ready for this only if I was ready to move with no constraints nor responsibilities. She actually Said "I Cant imagine how parents can hang around your neck like that". I was really hurt by what She said. I was infact trying to be more responsible,and this is what She thinks.

[blueangel]

If you have to ask, then no.