jades77

What makes u so sure that she loves herself more than me? Is it because she wants to pursue her career than be with me? I really think there are a few reasons why she is doing that. In the past, over three years ago, there were instances when she postponed her plans to pursue her studies just so that she could be with me. I guess i never really noticed it which has made her very angry about the whole thing. This time for sure she has said that she wont give this for me. She says she has done enough. In her own words..."I have done enough for you, go find yourself someone who can do half of what i did!"

Yes, I told her, though i had to do it with a really heavy heart. She said then that it was me who was making the choices and she was agreeing to it. Somehow she tried to put it all back on me to say...thats its because of me. She said "You want me to leave everything i have to come and take care of you and your family's happiness? I cant do that. This is what you want, you made the choice and i agreed". She agreed to marry this guy because he loves her too, and she thinks he loved her more unconditionally than i did. Anyway, i finally had to hang up after saying good bye...Maybe i have done the right thing, but i still feel so lonely all of a sudden....not that she was next to me all these years, but somehow it feels so weird...but she says she still loves me. How can she love me but get married to someone else because he loves her more?

lilac - personally, i dont think there is anything wrong with arranged marriages. In fact, just based on statistics, they work better at times as compared to love marriages. What do u think is wrong if your mom brings a proposal and you get time to meet the guy and decide if u want to take this forward or not? Why cant u treat this as just another medium through which u are getting to know more people, just like you do thru any singles dating websites or clubs? If you indeed have a final say, i am sure you can spend sometime with this person and figure out if it can lead somewhere... Does your mom give u this much freedom to choose? You could always refuse if u dont feel anything. Noone can force you. However, who knows, u may find the match u are looking for in the people your mom finds for you. So why be so prejudiced that its wrong or bad?

Thank you for all the response. I dont think i have received such a support from any of my friends as much as i have from all of you. You have certainly helped me strenghten my thoughts and decisions. I have finally told her that i cannot marry her and move with her if she is not even flexible to consider coming back at a later point of time for my family. She stuck to her ground and said she wont want to come back at all, so i had no option but to let her go. She is anyway engaged to this guy now and may get married next week. I guess its all over now.

What you said is So true - I really love those memories than what she is today. Whenever I start talking about my family, She immediately Says "What about mine?" I try to Convince her that I dont differentiate, but she takes It negatively. Yes, its true that she is not willing to even Consider Coming back if my parents were so helpless that one of them Couldn't move. she Says things like -We Can visit them for a while but then be back, or She Says that they Can Come Visit us. I know how tough it is for Someone as old as 70 years who is already Sick to travel this far so often. Sometimes when I think about everything thats happening, I feel that She is indeed being Selfish or she is trying to get even because of what happened in the past. In any Case, She has made if very clear to me that She wourd only be ready for this only if I was ready to move with no constraints nor responsibilities. She actually Said "I Cant imagine how parents can hang around your neck like that". I was really hurt by what She said. I was infact trying to be more responsible,and this is what She thinks.

You are So correct. Though I want her So much, I am not happy with the way things are between us. And yes, I am So hung op on her that its not making me happy at all. She called Me two nights before her engagement and asked me if I was ready to move with her. She happened to fix the date of her engagement with him much earlier when She felt that things may not work out between us. At that time I was looking for a new job in the place that I had to move to. As it was taking longer then expected, she thought I was not serious about moving and she accepted the other guy's proposal. I just found that whole thing So weird. Anyway, when she called me two days before her engagement, I told her I was not willing to move on Conditions she had put forth. The engagement happened after that and she Said she will be married in a few days from now. She again asked me last week if I wanted to do this but I gave her the Same answer. All along i have been Saying is that I am ready to move with her for the next few years (six to eight) but when either of my parents are bedridden, I need to move back. She is not ok with this at all. This guy is an old friend of hers but I know she doesn't love him. She is doing it for her family.

Sometimes I wonder if all this is an effect of that "Romantic love" which exists between us. Is there a possibility that this feeling will fade away? If that happens, I am afraid all the other problems which I have ignored so far will surface up. strangely, I am not feeling jealous about this guy who She might marry. There was a time when even her Spending time with any other guy world drive me mad. Somehow I dont feel that possessive anymore. Not Sure what changed.

I honestly don't know why she is marrying him. I guess once I have Said No She has no reasons to wait for Something or Someone. I know She loves me, but Still doubt See why she Should marry him apart from the fact that her parents want it so. I have been repeatedly telling her that I cannot do without her and that we should try to work this out. All I have asked her for now is to be flexible enough to move back if ever my parents were bedridden, even if that happens Six to eight years from now. But She is So adamant that she doesn't want to listen. I even asked her if She was willing to reconsider this decision at a later point in time. Things Change with time and I told her that she or myself world probably think differently after that long. But She is not even willing to Consider it. She has very clearly Stated that if I am not ok in moving for good their I can go my way and She will go hers. And there we are, She is getting married to this guy next week...and I feel so helpless...

Dear Raykay - Thanks for all the wonderful advice...Its heartbreaking to think of all the times i have spent dreaming about what we could do together...She has been on my mind, all the time, every moment, during all these years. I used to call her almost everyday when i was away to try to get things back to normal, but nothing helped. I have cried over her as much as i have never cried in my life before. I used to do silly things to gain her attention. She knows all this, but still never put in enough effort to work on the core problems we had. I sometimes used to ask myself if what i did was such a big crime that it could never be forgiven. I had NEVER cheated on her and always thought that she is the one for me in the whole world. Yes, i made mistakes of not taking care of her at times and being insensitive, but even after i realized and admiited them, it doesnt seem to help. She says that its because of me that she has become like this and she doesnt want to talk to me or share anything with me anymore....She did say she would want to work on this after we get married...but somehow i was never convinced. There have been other people who have cared for me in this meanwhile but i couldnt respond to them with any feelings at all. Sometimes i feel they will care for me more if i ever be with them. But the sad part is that i dont love them at all, they are good friends, but i cant accept the fact of marrying them..Cant see them in that role...I guess you would agree that i should not marry someone who i do not love...But what if i dont fall in love again? Given that i am 29 years old, i dont even have too much time to wait for someone to come by, and sometimes the peer pressure gets onto me. All my friends are married by now and most of them have had successful love marriages....Sometimes i fear i might end up saying "yes" to escape these terrible thoughts that come to my head, but then somehow i cant do it. Its taken me 10 days to think through this every minute of every day and i cant convinice myself to marry her. BUt i still love her and want her so badly. Sometimes when i look back, it feels like i spent all this time, energy, feelings on something that came to nothing, all the dreams suddenly have been broken and am faced with this dreadful task to making it though this phase knowing that its all dark and uncertain out there for me...

We have hardly been together in the last two years to even say that we are happy together. Even at times we are on the phone, the conversation is aways curt and rude. When i ask her why she is being so rude to me, she says i made her like that. Its been over a year that i have been asking her to forgive me for the past and i have been trying to do whatever i can to make her feel better. She is marrying this guy because her parents dont want her to go alone. She is also not keeping well so she needs help when she is there in a new place. She is doing this at most for her parents. She wants to go abroad because she has got admission into a top university out there and wants to make the best use of her education by staying on there. But i dont fit in her plans for her future because what i want is something else. By asking her to come back later would mean i am being selfish, which i dont want to be. At the same time, i dont undertstand why she is ready to give up on this relationship because of her plans for her future. Does that mean that this relationship was never strong enough? She thinks this is ending because of me since i said i cant move there forever. I even told her i am ready to move there for 6-8 years after which we could consider coming back. But even that is not OK with her. She seems to flare up easily on things and very soon our conversation ends because she or i cant take it anymore. Somehow there is so much bitterness, which i think is causing all this. But i guess its just that feeling of not wanting to lose the one u love thats making us hold on to each other. I dont think i can ever be so intimate again with someone...Its more of the fear of the unknown i guess...

Deal Ilse, I know its difficult for someone outside this relationship to give such a judgement as to what i should do. I dont know if she is being manipulative or taking it out on me for everything that has happened in the past. I admit she has been through a lot of trouble because of the fact that i was insensitive to her needs many times and wasnt with her when she needed me the most. But i have several times admitted to her all my mistakes and have been trying my best to show that i truly care. I have in fact, put everything else aside in the last six months to help her in all aspects of her getting admission to her school. But some of her statements hurt me a lot. I asked her one day that when i was ready to leave everything for her and come with her, why is she not ready to do much for me? She replied back bluntly and said "I have done a lot for you. Its payback time now!". I dont know if such things are said and done when ppl are in love, but it hurt me a lot. All that had happened between us earlier was because of my being immature to handle this relationship, i had never done anything intentionally, and she knows this. Why she is behaving this way now, i just dont know. I know she is hurt, but i wanted to make things better for her and for us, but not at such a cost.... But now we are at a position where one of us has to give up what we want to do to be with each other. I dont know if i should say she doesnt love me because she wants to leave and build a career. I too am willing to let her go because i want to stay back for my family. Does that mean i dont love her enough? She is getting married to this guy because her family doesnt want her to move away all alone. I cant understand whats in her mind. I know she is feeling bad too and wants me to be with her, thats why she even approached me after her engagement with him and asked me again if i was ready to move with her. I always wanted to do something in life which would never cause any trouble to anyone, especially someone as close to me as my parents. If i ended up going with her and put away everything else, i might begin to feel i was selfish. Looks like i am going to end up hurting someone for sure here...and most of all, myself.

I really now have a day left before i tell her something. I am so confused i dont know what to do. I tried posting this same problem on other forums but cant get much help. All of you have given great responses, but it seems so hard to decide in one day

Someone help me decide what to do... I have been in love with this girl who works with me for the last 4 years. After about 3 months of our meeting we realized we had feelings for each other and confessed them. That was probably the most beautiful time in my life. But after about six months of this relationship, things began to go wrong. The truth is that though we loved each other so much, there were some differences in our nature and our understanding of each other. She was the kind of person who expected to be understood, who would never speak herself even if she wanted something. I was more of the nature where i had to be told, and sometimes dont see what the other person wants. This led to situations where she felt that i was taking her for granted and i didnt really bother what she wanted. At that time, she wanted to give her GMAT and get admission to a business school in the US. Both of us live in India. But i guess i never noticed what she wanted and it went so bad that she finally stopped speaking to me about anything at all. I realized my mistake quite later but she could never believe that i could change. Its been this way for over 2 years and i have been trying all this while to ask her to forgive me for everything and that i truly believe i can change for the better. I have realized all my mistakes, i have seen all that she has done for me, without my doing anything in return. Now its time for her to leave for the US to pursue her studies and she plans to settle in the US for good. She asked me if we should get married now, and i seem to have a big problem here. The issue is that i live with my family and going away forever is something that is going to be very hard on my parents. They are getting old and they will need help soon and i have always planned to live close to where they live so that i can help them when they needed me. But she has other plans and she wants to live in the US forever, and only plans to come back once in a year or two to visit her or my family. This is not at all OK with me and i told her that i might need to come back at a later point in time, after a few years and stay back in India. BUt she has told me if thats what i want then she wouldnt get into this relationship. She feels there are better career options out in the US and thats why she wont come back. Moreover, she has told me that if we cant work this out, she will get married to another friend of hers who has been waiting for her for quite sometime. I have tried to convince her in all possible ways, but she wont budge. She seems to have got the idea that my parents are a big burden on me and it will interfere wth our life together. But the fact is that i want to be close to my family and i really want to be there when they are old and cant do much themselves. We anyway had a lot of communication and trust issues all this while, but somehow convinced each other that we will work on these if we get together. However, now that she is asking me to relocate away from home, its getting difficult for me. Looks like no matter what i do, it will make me unhappy. I cant leave my family behind at the same time i cant let her go. I really love her and i know she loves me too. She has planned this for herself all this while, it just happened that we didnt speak about this earlier. Now i feel we are too much into each other to let go. But what she wants to do and what i want to do seem to be different. I dont know what i should do with the given situation. I am afraid i will never be able to find someone like her again or ever fall in love again. I am already 30 yrs old and dont even have too much time to wait for someone to come by. But if i go with her, i am afraid i might resent it later if things dont go well between us, because i am giving up almost a lot of things if i move with her. If i move with her, i will be movign away from home, my family, friends and will probably be changing my career a bit too. Its a lot of change for me and i am not sure if i am going to be happy in the long run and i am afraid sometimes that once the romantic love fades, we might get into the conflicts we had earlier. On the other hand, if i dont go, i might be miserable forever that i let someone who loved me so much go.... Please help me in making the right choice...

There are things you probably should know to help me with this... We have been in this relationship for over 4 years now. The first year was great and we thought we had everything we wanted. But then there were things that started causing problems. I was too much pre-occupied with my job and family and i did not give her enough attention. This happened because i have never been the kind of person who can read someone;s mind and she is the kind of the person who will never speak herself out and expect to be understood. She felt i never understood what she wanted to do in her career...I was probably insensitive and this caused a great deal of differences between us and for over the next 2 yrs, things were bad, in that she totally lost trust that i can ever understadn her and stopped talking to me. I tried my best to make her realize that i have realized my mistakes and was willing to work on everything. Ultimately after this long a time, about a month ago, we spoke about how we can try and work out things between us after marriage, and remove the communication gaps and build the trust thats needed. I promised her i would give it everything and she said she would try too. what happened in the past is one of the reasons why she feels so insecure about our relationship. Thats where this other guy has come from. She always felt that this may not work out for all the problems we have had. She is moving to the US next month and she had asked me if i could move with her. I said yes and even managed to secure a job offer there. However, at that point we never did really speak about never really coming back. My family was all along supportive until i told them what she wanted me to do. They felt insecure because of her request that i settle down in the US for good. They also felt tht since she never came to visit them even once during our relationship, she will not be very comfortable either later if they visited us or we came down to visit them. Thats making me uncomfortable too. I asked her that in case if one of them is sick that i need to return indefinitely, then i should be able to do so,and we should probably come back here. There are lots of jobs out here too. But she is totally against it. She said we can come visit them for a few months at the max but then have to go back. She doesnt hate India. She feels she has better career opportunities in the US and she wants to live there and make a good life. Her parents are supporting her in this and want her to do that. For now my sisters are close to my family and they should be ok. But i am worried about what will happen later. She already has said things like "they are very unreasonable to expect u to stay close to them" or "they are too dependent on you and i dont want to be part of such a family". This talk has put me off and i think she somehow doesnt see the things i value so much. She has always been ready to give up and go our ways if its not been for my persistent requests to hold her back. But now its come to a situation where i have to let go of something. If i go with her, i will be giving up my home, my job, my friends etc and move with her without even knowing how i will be able to take care of my family in the future. I will have to make a change in career most probably to be with her and i was ok with this too. She seems angry about everything that happened in the past because of me and not sure if she has ever forgiven me even though i have tried my best to make her realize how much she means to me. I truly love her and i have realized my mistakes. But now she is asking me to do something for her wihch might make me really unhappy. I dont know what i am going to regret. Though i love her, i hate the messed up relationship we have had for the last 2 yrs. I have always wanted to do something to take it back to those days. If i dont say yes to her this week, she will get married to this guy and move out of here. I dont know what i am going to do after that. Sometimes i think i can find someone who will make me happy and also make my family happy, but can i find someone who will love me like this again, i doubt it.

Thanks for the response. Yes, it just confuses me more since you have told me the good and the bad equally. I have been thinking about this for a while now. She is infact ready to get married to another friend of hers who apparently lives in the US. She told me if it didnt work out between us, she didnt want to stop doing everything else in her life. She is goign to get married in a week and move to teh US later next month. I am having a terrible time thinking about all this. I have tried to work out this relationship between ours for the last 4 years and now I am so close to making it happen but i am not able to. I have two sisters living here who can take care of my parents while i am gone, but I just wanted my girlfriend to understand that maybe i will have to come back after a few years if my parents needed me. She is not even willing to consider this decision at that point in time. Thats what has disappointed me. Atleast if she had told me that we could move for now and then later see how things go and be flexible based on that, it would have made it easier for me to say Yes. But with her being so adamant, i have started to think twice about everything. For instance, she told me that my parents can fly down to teh US and stay with us for a while when they wish to. But given the way she feels about this whole thing, i doubt if her relationship with my family will ever be easy. She has never met my parents till today even though we lived in teh same city. She always told me she was uncomfortable. I dont know exactly what the reason was, but never pushed her. Now i doubt if my getting married to her will actually take me away from my parents because she might always have issues with them interfering in our lives. Its hard to predict what might happen. I might move with her and be unhappy or i might stay back and still be unhappy that i lost on the one who i loved so much. At the same time, i am afraid i will never be able to find someone again for myself or fall in love again if i let her go. Given everything as is, what do u think i should do?