Aporia Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 I recentely attended my cousins wedding. I stayed overnight in the hotel along with my family and friends. I brought my boyfriend who I introduced to my family for the first time. I knew him for a month at that stage [it's now 5 weeks] . My family were a bit uneasy about the whole thing because he's 34 and I'm 18 but I don't think age really matters. Anyway, I was with him for the night and everything seemed fine we didn't drink because he's very into health and fitness and body building and stuff like that. He got angry at me for ordering a drink and complained that it had too many calories and that I would damage my figure which he has got me to tone up more. This upset me allot because I wanted to celebrate my cousin's wedding without having to worry about calories for just one night. The way he snapped at me kind of ruined the night because the mood was very dull from that point on. I know this all may seem a bit rushed but I'm living with him during the weekdays and come home for the weekends. I had a huge fight with my parents about this but I don't want to get into that I rather be away from home as much as possible. At least I'm on speaking terms with them and I'm alowed to stay at home saturdays and sundays. Another thing which bothers me about him is that he kinda makes me workout allot of the time and sometimes I nearly start to cry because of my muscle soreness since I'm not used to it. I go running with him too 5/6 days a week. I don't want to let him down but it's really hard. Sometimes he points out parts of my body that need more toning and it gets me down. I'm scared to eat around him. Now I know he sounds a bit controlling but I tell him exactely how I feel and he says he understands but then in the morning he's like that again. He's very forceful when he's angry [he's not angry that often] and lets his anger out when we have sex which at times I feel completely helpless like I if told him it hurts me that he might not even stop. Of course this is just me thinking that but it still makes me feel uneasy about the whole thing. I don't really know how to tell him this and worry that he might take it the wrong idea or something...any ideas about what I should do? Link to comment
DN Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 He is not "a bit controlling". He is extremely controlling, to the point that you should leave him immediately and never look back. Read your post over three times as if you were not the person who had written it and perhaps you will see what I mean. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Get rid of this guy ASAP!! Fast, fast, fast. I really hate to see this bc it perpetuates the stereotypes about bodybuilders. Not all are like this. Some of his behaviors make me wonder if he is on steroids. That is not a good scene. I know you don't want to be at home. For whatever reasons. But you need to get rid of this guy. It is not okay for him to be criticizing you, getting forceful and not listening to you when you say 'stop' and are hurting. He is controlling, and quite frankly it is scary. Who could you confide in in rl who would stand by you as you leave this man? I want you to be safe. Link to comment
PRSOV Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Relationships are about balance, both giving and receiving from each other in the relationship... He is telling you what to do, as DN has said he is being way too controlling over what you do, what you eat, what you drink... and I think it is totally unacceptable that he takes it out on you during sex. He isn't letting you have enough input into what you want. You wanted to have a drink at your cousins wedding... then have a drink at your cousins wedding! It is your body... your decision, not his. If he is being this critical of you now do you really see it getting any easier down the track? You have already let him know how this makes you feel but he doesn't listen to your feelings. Kick him to the ground and show him that you are capable of making your own decisions. He is entitled to choose the way he lives his life, and you are allowed to choose yours. Don't let him tell you what to do anymore! Stand up to him and make him take notice of you. PR Link to comment
Bethany Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 OMG, Don't put up with this any longer. If you don't want to run, then don't. If you want to eat cream cakes until you are sick, then do it. Don't do is let this man treat you like that anymore. Stand up for yourself and say NO. As for the sex thing, this only shows he that he is self-obessed and doesnt give a damn about you or your needs. Think of how much more controlling he will be in the years to come if he is already taking control of you and your body. If it was me, I'd start running and never look back. Link to comment
Cute Band Rat Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 HOLY CRAP...this guy is BAD NEWS. Run like the wind....it can ONLY get WORSE!!! Have you ever seen that movie Sleeping With The Enemy??? Watch it....your guy sounds like THAT guy. Link to comment
Cute Band Rat Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Thanks for that link DN. I added it to my favorites as a reference!!!! Abuse can be a fuzzy line for the victim sometimes. This gives pretty clear cut signals!Thanks!!! Link to comment
Siriana Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 wow, you are not seeing this as it is - he is controlling, he is dangereous, you need to run away from him. And please listen to us. He is not a person who is capable of understanding what are you saying to him. Don't be naive, please, you can't sort out this things with him by talking. As I said he is dangerous. Believe what has been said to you because we are not your parents and we are still saying to you that you are in the red zone, with red flags. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Abusive abusive abusive! Anyway, I was with him for the night and everything seemed fine we didn't drink because he's very into health and fitness and body building and stuff like that. He got angry at me for ordering a drink and complained that it had too many calories and that I would damage my figure which he has got me to tone up more. This upset me allot because I wanted to celebrate my cousin's wedding without having to worry about calories for just one night. The way he snapped at me kind of ruined the night because the mood was very dull from that point on. wow, if this isn't a warning sign, I don't know what is!!! You are at a wedding, nothing wrong with one drink to celebrate. It's not the time for a lecture saying how you will lose your figure at 18!!!!! my goodness. this man is dangerous, is controlling you, you don't need this. Link to comment
Aporia Posted July 9, 2006 Author Share Posted July 9, 2006 Thanks for the replies. I'm shocked at everyones reactions. First of all he has never hit me or anything like that. Someone mentioned that he's not listening to me when I say 'stop' I've never said anything to him yet I'm just worried that maybe he won't if I do. I did read over my post a few times and he does seem like he's trying to control me but I've always been intrested in keeping fit and healthy and he's the one that keeps me motivated. I am so much happier since I kinda moved out because it gives me a break from my mom which is complicated. I'm sick of hanging up on relationships because I always get hurt. He's not as bad as you would think we get on great most of the time and I really like him. I don't think I love him but he keeps telling me he loves me. I depend on him really to keep me away from home. If it was a different situation I would have told him at the wedding I'm drinking what I want. I just need to get the message through to him I'll be back again tomorow for the week. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 he can be abusive even without hitting you! he definitely seems controlling and that is not a good path to go down. look, if you want to be in shape, you hire a personal fitness trainer. however, he's not supposed to be controlling you and making you feel bad!!!!! that's just bad. my cousin is a fitness trainer, and when I would go and stay with him, he would give me tips, help me prepare good meals, work out with me, but he wouldn't be controlling or not let me have 1 drink at a wedding reception! Your boyfriend sounds like your personal bully! you may be happier living away from your parents, but why do you have to live with this guy? you can just live on your own. trust me, it's a slippery slope, he sounds controlling, and I wouldn't be surprised if you came back here in a few weeks and told us he grabbed you, but hasn't hit you. or that he has hit you, but it was an accident. or that you did something that you think you deserved to be hit for. no abusive relationship starts out with abuse right away. otherwise, the women wouldn't stay! they wait until you get hooked and fall in love with him, then the physical abuse starts. Link to comment
DN Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Anyone who tries to make you do anything (even if it is perceived to be in your best interests) by emotional or physical bullying or manipulation is abusive. That is definitive. What he is doing is abuse - all you are doing is calling it something else. And that will not serve you. Link to comment
perfectliljewel Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 this guy is dangerous, im sorry to tell you this but that is abuse. emotional abuse. you arent in a relashionship, relashionships is about communication, loving someone no matter what they look like. not pointing out the TINY imperfections and definatly not taking his anger out during sex. you are your own person and he can not make you do that. you need to get out of there ASAP. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 From the book, "he's just not that into you," the following is an excerpt from the chapter, "He's just not that into you if he's a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak: If you really love someone, you want to do things to make that person happy." Link to comment
Cynder Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 This is not "a bit controlling." This is abuse! My ex boyfriend (who I was with for six years) was always complaining about my body. Whenever I ate anything he didn't think was good for me he would snap at me like that. Read this: link removed Link to comment
Jennster Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Your spending time with him to get away from your mom? That's what it sounds liek to me. My mom did the same thing when she married my dad - she had to get away from her parents. My dad controlled her to no end and abused her emotionally and physically as well as me and my brother. It might seem like small stuff now -but only 5 weeks into your relationship?!?!? That's NUTS! I've been with my BF over a year and I can't even remember if I've ever seen him show his anger in a dangerous way. Link to comment
jh1581 Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 He got angry at me for ordering a drink and complained that it had too many calories and that I would damage my figure which he has got me to tone up more. I'm scared to eat around him. Now I know he sounds a bit controlling but I tell him exactely how I feel and he says he understands but then in the morning he's like that again. He's very forceful when he's angry [he's not angry that often] and lets his anger out when we have sex. Of course this is just me thinking that but it still makes me feel uneasy about the whole thing. I don't really know how to tell him this and worry that he might take it the wrong idea or something...any ideas about what I should do? First of all he has never hit me or anything like that. He's not as bad as you would think we get on great most of the time and I really like him. I don't think I love him but he keeps telling me he loves me. I depend on him really to keep me away from home. Please please PLEASE listen to what we're all saying and get out of this relationship ASAP. Like someone else mentioned, no abusive relationship starts off physically abusive in the beginning. I know, because prior to my current relationship, I was in an abusive relationship in which the person "swept me off my feet" so to speak at first. Then he began to criticize me, get angry at me over little things (for which he would then apologize and do something really sweet in an attempt to make up for it), and eventually he because extremely verbally,emotionally, and at times physically abusive. I stayed because I thought it "wasn't that bad" even though I began to fear him early on. I also noted something else you said.."I don't think I love him, but he keeps telling me he loves me." After just 5 weeks??? My abusive ex did the same thing. I wasn't in love with him, but he was telling me at about 3 weeks into the relationship that he "loved me." It's not normal to fall in love after only 3 or 4 weeks. Along with everything else you've said, that is DEFINITELY a RED FLAG. Do NOT make excuses for his behavior. When you stated "he's not as bad as you think", that really scared me because I used to tell myself and other people the SAME thing. Love is NOT supposed to hurt in ANY way. Don't confuse his constant criticism of your body and the way he forces you to work out and watch what you eat, with his "caring for you." Reading your post reminded me of my own situation 2 1/2 years ago. This man is trying to control you, he could become very dangerous, and believe me when I say that things will NOT get any better with this man. Get out before it gets any worse. I've come a long way since then and it maybe could have been prevented if someone had been as blunt with me as we are being with you. PLEASE LISTEN TO US. PM me if you need to. Take care. ~Jenny Link to comment
yeawutever Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 A bit controlling, you got to be joking!!!!!!!!! He's extremely controlling to the point of degrading you on every small imperfection, no normal person would do that in a relation, if he really cares about you then he would make you feel better instead of putting you down and not be in such a lousy mood during sex. By the looks of it, he sounds like he just wants to get in your pants and the longer you stay with him, the more the abuse will process till the point he can actually get physical one of these days. Even if he never hits you, verbal/emotional abuse shouldn't be tolerated either. In some way that is worst than actual physical abuse, it's like someone shattering how you feel as a person, destroying your self-esteem, your perception or to the point of brainwashing you and feeding you some more BS. I say drop with like a real "hot potato" and don't look back, he's a total manipulator. Link to comment
Momene Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 I don't think the age gap is the issue here because 18 year olds can also be controlling. Things like diet, exercise, etc are a personal choice and I wouldn't like to be in a relationship where somebody is dictating what I eat or drink 24/7/365. Is murder legal where you live? Link to comment
redhook Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 In the words of an old Iron Maiden tune " Run to the hills, run for you life" Get out now while you can! This man is way to controlling and I suspect it will only get worse. Link to comment
drmom Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 I know when you are 18 you want to be in control of your life. But you aren't. You are letting this jerk control you! PLEASE, go back home. It sounds like your parents are EXTREMELY understanding and wise. Let them help you...I am sure they will try to make it as easy as possible for you. This guy is BIG trouble!@ Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 This thread is 4 years old. Link to comment
Sweetkisses22 Posted September 25, 2010 Share Posted September 25, 2010 wow, you are not seeing this as it is - he is controlling, he is dangereous, you need to run away from him. And please listen to us. He is not a person who is capable of understanding what are you saying to him. Don't be naive, please, you can't sort out this things with him by talking. As I said he is dangerous. Believe what has been said to you because we are not your parents and we are still saying to you that you are in the red zone, with red flags. I completely agree. You know deep down he is controlling. Otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned it. He isccontrolling. He is 34 years old, what is he doing with an 18 year old. I know age is just a number but at your age you don't know anything about being an adult. No matter what your mind is not fully developed. Link to comment
sweetpea03 Posted September 25, 2010 Share Posted September 25, 2010 I know what you mean by you wanting to be away from home. I have a very complicated relationship with my mother, too. BUT that doesn't mean you should stay in an emotionally abusive relationship. You really need to get away from him. He is controlling and that is a major RED FLAG that you cannot ignore. This type of behavior tends to get worse, not better. Break up with him. We are telling you this as people who have an outside perspective looking at your best interest. If he can't lighten up at a wedding, then he has some big issues. There are other guys out there who can motivate you to be healthy and not be controlling. You are using him anyways to get out of the house. This is not a healthy relationship by any means. If he loved you, he wouldn't try to control you and make you feel bad. Please leave him. Live back at home with your parents and hang out with friends often(do things to stay away from home) or move out on your own. Just don't stay with this man you are with now. Link to comment
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