Do I tell new boyfriend about past abortion?

[alleycat99]

4 years ago I had an abortion when I slept with a guy because I was so drunk I didn't know we were having sex (first and only time something like that happened). The guy was supportive of my decision and I really feel it was the best decision considering the circumstances. Now I'm with someone I truly love, we've been dating for 6 months and I would love to marry this guy. I thought I should tell him about the abortion but then a friend told me she thought it would just make me feel better (ease some guilt) and make him feel bad. She thought it would be a detriment to our relationship. I'm honest about everything else. But I don't know how he'd feel about this-his opinions haven't come up in conversation. I want to do what's best for the relationship, but I sure don't want to make him feel bad. Even though I mentioned guilt a few sentences ago, I am a mentally healthy adult who is fully adjusted to the decision I made, so I really want to make sure the decision I make now about telling him is the right one for the relationship. Advice??

[Süsser Tod]

I'd think that is on the "way too much information" side. It has everything needed to get your current bf feeling like poo, from telling him you had sex with that guy (I think he can figure out that one without you telling him), that you had unprotected sex being drunk (not good if you want him to trust you), and that you were pregnant. Nope, don't tell him.

[Scotcha]

I don't think you should tell him. I don't see any reason to do so.

[agent1607307371]

Ok, not even going to touch on the first guy but I think that telling this man you are seeing that you have had an abortion is a huge deal and I would wait until you have built a solid foundation with this guy.

 

You would like to marry him, do you know what his intentions towards you are?

[PRSOV]

I agree with agent... You need to have built a solid relationship before you reveal any information about yourself such as this.

[melrich]

There is no obligation for you to tell him. I'd only tell him if you feel you want him to know.

[Mr Mister1]

Hmm I think whether you tell him or not depends on how serious you want things to be. If he is someone you want to spend a long time with you should tell him because it could be worse if he happens to find out later.

 

Doesn't mean you should tell him right away, as others said, wait and see how things go, if it gets serious between you two then you should open up but not neccessarily before.

[helpme2]

I guess it depends on how serious you guys get, I don't think you ever have to tell him, but if you get married and get pregnant it's going to be one of those things that your doctor will ask about, you might figure out how you would feel trying to hide it from him at that point.

[Tigris]

The past is the past and there's nothing you can do about it now.

 

I wouldn't tell him at all. If you do you may discover he's anti-abortion and then he'll walk!

[brando]

unless it comes up in conversation, the topic abortion i wouldn't say anything. From my perspective i don't see this as a reason to view you differently. SO i cannot imagine he will, unless he has a strong religious faith.

[Süsser Tod]

I think it is a topic only to be discussed on a relationship with way solid bases, as it may open a couple pandora boxes, like having sex while being drunk and the morality of abortion. I don't think it is necesary for him to know it, as it happened before him.

[AwdreeHpburn]

ever see that episode of Seinfeld when a guy Elaine is dating starts talking about that issue and his views oppose hers? That was her deal breaker.....lol....ahhhh Seinfeld...

 

Anyway, If you want to know how he feels about the subject, maybe you should bring it up in conversation. Tie it to current events or something.

 

I can't imagine not telling my husband something like that, I've told him everything, but only because I know he doesn't judge me.

 

If you have a "sit-down" conversation about it, I think that will call to mind that you feel it was a serious matter. I'm not saying it's not, but you've resolved yourself to it and its done. But if you casually mention it years from now, "oh yeh, I did that once...." that'll be weird too.

 

I am of the opinion to not keep skeletons or it looks like you're trying to hide something. You have nothing to hide and you've done nothing you're ashamed of. So why NOT tell him?

 

What's done is done and there's nothing anyone can do about it anyway, so you may as well give him the benefit of your trust and hope he'll reserve judgement. Right?

[Momene]

If medical history comes out in the open, he could be miffed for you not telling him. Be careful.

[doyathink]

Nooo! this is your personal business, I don't agree that 'medical issues' are anyone's business but your own, unless it is something that will affect his health too. If this relationship turns out to be a marriage then, if you feel like sharing it with him you can.

 

I wouldn't jump the gun tho, if you two decided to not carry on he may tell others about something you would like to keep private!

[Momene]

Nooo! this is your personal business, I don't agree that 'medical issues' are anyone's business but your own, unless it is something that will affect his health too. If this relationship turns out to be a marriage then, if you feel like sharing it with him you can.

 

I wouldn't jump the gun tho, if you two decided to not carry on he may tell others about something you would like to keep private!

 

If he told others stuff if you split, then that's totally wrong! I never blow thwe whistle on exes in that way, however we broke up.

[itsallgrand]

This is a conversation I personally would reserve for later. If the relationship continues well, the trust is solid, and the two of you see a long-term future: then I think it would make sense to share. Not that you must; but I would.

A man I would consider marrying: I'd already know that he would be fine with it and not judge, and it would be important to me to share (it was a chunk of your life and impacted you).

 

So I guess I am wondering why you feel you would like to share right now?

Since the info is so delicate and personal; I would just make sure that the relationship is already rocksolid.

[Siriana]

It is still too soon for that conversation. It is only six months. Wait till the honeymoon period is over, and when a relationship develops in a way that you can be sure it is something really serious and long term. Than don't make that a secret.

 

Till than try to find out what are your opinions on very important things in life and how compatible your values are. Amongst the other on abortion.

 

One day when you decide to tell him please don't put it the way you wrote it here. Don't say you were not so drunk that you didn't know you're having se. Say you were both little bit drunk.But don't discuss that jet with him.

[alleycat99]

Well, we do have a solid foundation, and we talk about everything. He knows that I had sex with that guy and didn't even know it, I just didn't tell him the rest of the story. As for if he's in the same frame of mind that I am about marriage, he mentions it too. We are both extremely happy. The reason I've been wondering whether to tell him is because we've recently had discussions about his pot smoking past, and he wants me to make sure I know everything about him since we are getting to a very serious stage in our relationship and be able to love him for who he is. He's not particularly religious, we're both Catholic, but he only goes to church if I don't want to go alone. I love him so much and don't want to lose him for a choice I made years ago. Our values are very compatible, we share many of the same views on important issues in marriage, raising children, and relationships. I appreciate all of your advice, I think I'll try and find out his opinion on abortion and go from there. If I do tell him, how should I do it?

[RayKay]

Hmm, I would say this is something that you have to decide for yourself whether you feel comfortable sharing it. Just because he has shared his pot smoking past with you for example does not mean YOU are obligated to share this experience with him now, or later.

 

No doubt it was an intensely emotional decision and experience for you at the time, and it's very personal, private and a matter only you can decide if you feel comfortable sharing that at this time, or down the road.

 

I think also it's important to know his views anyway so start there sharing those views. But, be prepared. If he said he was terribly opposed to it, and you did decide not to tell him...would you ever feel very comfortable with him? What if you told him and he brought it up a lot (and of course just because you did it at that time, in those circumstances does not mean you would now, or that your views have not changed!).

[dawn515]

Personally, I never volunteer this kind of information unless directly asked, especially in new relationships. I had an abortion when I was 17, and it's a topic I don't usually go into with anyone. I suppose I didn't think that much about whether I would tell my new boyfriend about it until it came up -- abortion in general -- and he asked me if I had ever had one. I'm an honest person, so I told him the truth, and he was cool with my answer.

 

But, I never would have volunteered this information unless asked, and I certainly wouldn't volunteer it too early in the relationship. Since you said you share a lot about one another, you should at least find out his position on the topic, and then perhaps tell him what you went through. You should NOT feel ashamed for what you did, but knowing his views on the topic might help with how you break it to him, if you choose to do so.

 

Best of luck!

[gersanos]

I think this is a personal matter, however, the more serious you two get, the more dishonest the relationship becomes. Having an abortion, regardless of circumstances, is a serious issue. We all have our past, and I would not judge someone having an abortion under your circumstances. I would probably be enraged if way down the line this was brought up though. I would feel almost betrayed, and I have left girls that have withheld sharing skeletons in the closet, not because I judged them on it, but because they decided to share it with me way down the line after we were already serious. But that's me.

 

I don't think an argument saying what's in the past is none of his business. It's pretty fallicious logic, and quite selfish, especially if you are considering marriage. I would not pick and choose what to tell someone and what to omit. In dating yes, but I would not play politics with someone I am serious with. I think timing is a big deal as well. 6 months is neither too soon or too long. How comfortable and how close are you with one another? If he decides to leave after you divulge this information, then hopefully sooner than later. I say that because if he strongly opposed any and all abortions, why waste each others time trying to get serious and see if it works out when you have a big strike against you in his mind based on his belief system. If he strongly opposes abortion, and you withhold telling him, and things take a turn for the serious, I don't think that's a solid relationship. It's a pretty big thing to not know about someone, and something which would be a dealbreaker to some people (like the Seinfeld spisode).

 

I have a past as well. I share this with people quite openly because 1) I am honest, and 2) I am not ashamed of it. I don't regret past decisions and choices because they make up who I am today. Now if someone is going to have some rigid mentality and/or strong belief system and judge me for something I did years before meeting them, then that is their prerogative. It does not mean that they are horrible people.

 

As someone mentioned already, I would not just come out and say it. I would build up to it. Go on a recon mission. Discuss abortion sometime. See what his views are on it. This is one part of dating - to decide if you two should be in a relationship together.

[Rabican]

id say if he asks, then maybe you should tell him. If you dont want to maybe say that your past is in your past, and you dont want discuss such things....

 

I wouldnt tell him for no reason though, its not really need to know information.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Does it not seem strange to anyone that someone can have something that they themselves don't regard as a "big deal" but yet they contemplate whether or not they should tell someone else?

 

I guess this is sort of a question or statement about the topic the O P is referring to, but seems strange to me that this is even a contemplation.

 

You trust this guy, he's sharing things about himself and asking you to reserve judgement why WOULDN'T you tell him?

 

I just mean that if this is a guy who will think less of you or differently about you because of something you regard as not a big deal, than it would be an issue of some very fundamental differences and I just don't think those exist in this relationship.

 

Is it possible that the issue lies with you AlleyCat, and how YOU feel about it?? I'm not at all accusing, just wondering?