To Wed or Not to Wed

[pepsigal]

I was reading a post about someone who wanted to get married and was sick of waiting. Quite a few people said hey if he doesn't want to get married move on with your life. I thought about this for awhile and related it to myself. I am in a committed relationship. I love him dearly and have for the past 10 yrs. He too loves me. We have talked about getting married and for the longest time I whined and complained for him to marry me. Then one day it hit me. I love him, he loves me and with or without a piece of paper to tell me this our feelings would not change. I have been told my friends and family that if he wanted to spend the rest of his live with me he would marry me. I just don't believe that anymore. Why can't 2 people who truly and honestly love each not get married? I have stood infront of god with him and we have proclaimed our love for each other, isn't that enough? Why must women or men feel the pressure to get married to show their commitment to one another?

 

Maybe I just dont see what others ,who so badly want to wed see but in my eyes, love each other always and forever, a piece of paper isnt going to change that.

[Siriana]

Because of legal stuff. You are investing together in your future, you are having kids.....so that paper makes things more clear. Let's face it it's a contract. I don't consider marriage to be romantic. And if you want to avoid certain ugly things in the case of divorce than you have that contract before wedding. That wasy there is no reason not to get married.

[itsallgrand]

It depends on what you want.

 

For some, they feel a need to have it 'official'. Just because. Somehow it makes it more real to them and solidifies the commitment. They want it to be recognized by others.

 

Sometimes it is about legalities. Marriage changes your economic life, your social life (as recognized by the state and others). It can make certain 'rights' secure.

 

I am a strong believer in the marriage NOT being about two people and love.

It is a social, cultural, political apparatus.

Sometimes it can be worked in an individual's or familial favour.

 

Honestly, I think for many it is a dream they had growing up and so they do it. So many reasons. Not everyone questions what is taught to them.

[robowarrior]

You marry if you are ready and want to marry.

[shes2smart]

Traditionally, marriage was strictly a business arrangement...meant to keep wealth in certain families. It's only been relatively recently in human history (say, the last couple hundred years) that we started putting all these romantic notions onto what was previously a business transaction. So, the idea of marrying for "love" is a relatively new one.

 

I'm one of those people who left a relationship because I wanted to get married and he didn't. Catching him cheating certainly sped up my departure, but I was already heading out the door anyway. His cheating served to show that we really weren't on the same page in terms of relationship goals. 2 months later, I met someone whose relationship goals were similar to mine, and we've been married for 4 years as of next week.

 

If you and your SO don't want to get married, then don't. If that's the case, you also shouldn't expect to be viewed by the law and society in the same way that a married couple is. I did a little digging around about common law marriage and marriage and the differences (well, in the US anyway...it may be different where you're from). It does vary from state to state. However, one of the "tests" for common law marriage is if you hold yourselves out as a married couple -- calling yourselves "husband" and "wife", filing a joint tax return, etc. If that's the case and you're in a state that recognizes common law marriage, then the law views you as such...and that means if you split, you have to go through legal divorce proceedings, too.

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Now, this is just my observation, but most of the time when this subject comes up for discussion, it's brought up by someone who's in a situation where the partners aren't exactly seeing eye-to-eye on marriage.

 

I have been told my friends and family that if he wanted to spend the rest of his live with me he would marry me. I just don't believe that anymore. Why can't 2 people who truly and honestly love each not get married? I have stood infront of god with him and we have proclaimed our love for each other, isn't that enough? Why must women or men feel the pressure to get married to show their commitment to one another?

 

No reason why people can't stay together, unmarried, for as long as they want. However, if you're in that situation, you may want to consult with a lawyer to make sure that your rights are protected in case of a catastrophic event. Your unmarried status may limit your rights if one or the other of you is seriously injured/ill, for example. If his family doesn't like you (or your family doesn't like him), they can do all manner of nastiness in that particular situation...such as preventing you from making medical decisions on each others' behalf if you're incapable of doing so for yourself or blocking/restricting your access to each other. Yeah, the odds of a catastropic illness/accident are low...but they do happen, and everyone they do happen to "never expected it," either. Perhaps, if you had a good lawyer, you could override all that, but would you really want to mess around with the court system at a time like that?

 

In the US, there are also some financial advantages to being married.

 

The impression I'm getting is you may not be in total agreement with not getting married. Not enough for it to be a deal breaker (otherwise, I believe you'd just pack your things and go)...but enough that it's bugging you.

 

If your intention, as a couple, is to remain together for the long term/life, then what's the stumbling block about formalizing it? It would allow you to claim the advantages and protections of formalizing your relationship. There's no reason you have to get sucked in by the wedding industry for some big to-do, if that's a concern.

 

Finally, after having lived with various bf's in committed, long term relationships (ranging from 2 years to 7 years) and finally getting around to getting married at the age of 38, there is a difference between the two situations. There is more incentive to stick together when you've gone that extra step and formalized the relationship. I don't know that it connotes a deeper level of commitment...it's probably more like a different or additional type of commitment than a couple who chooses not to marry has.

 

Don't kid yourself into thinking being together long-term and being married are the same. I've done both. (at this point, I was with my college bf for several years longer than I've been with my husband) They're not the same. They don't feel the same, they're not viewed by society the same way, and they're not necessarily viewed the same way legally.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with either arrangement...as long as you are doing what is right for you as an individual and both of you as a couple. From the tone of your post, I'm not convinced that you're completely sold on the idea of remaining unmarried yourself.

[Beyondthesea]

Personally I want a man to show me that he is committed to me and only me forever. My fiance proposed to me within a year and a half of our relationship...to me that shows he is very serious about me, the relationship and our lives together.

 

I would never have children with someone I wasn't married to. I really believe that if a man doesn't want to get married, it means he doesn't want to get married to YOU, but is waiting for someone better to come along. However, you're a nice alternative to nothing in the meantime.

 

I have no idea where all these ideas came from within me, but they seem to have developed quite strongly over time.

[Jennster]

I just feel it's been a dream....we have all these steps to progress through life...and marriage is one of them. I don't feel pressure from society or friends....believe me it's strong where I live here in Utah...most of my friends were married by 20 and already have kids. I don't conform to society in that way...I'm just going by my own guidelines. I like a natural progression of things. If my BF and I live together for more than a few years without getting married I'll start questioning things because I feel the natural progression is to get married and then have kids.

[annie24]

Maybe I just dont see what others ,who so badly want to wed see but in my eyes, love each other always and forever, a piece of paper isnt going to change that.

 

like s2s pointed out, "that piece of paper" is a legal document, that gives you many rights. ie, if he were to get into a terrible car accident, and you are not married, his family could be the ones making the medical decisions, and you wouldn't even get to visit him in the hospital if they didn't like you. and vice versa. it could be trickier to prove that you are his common law wife, and if it ever came to a court situation, his family could say, "if he loved her so much, why didn't he marry her after 10 years?"

 

then there is the issue of property, and some people want to bring their kids into a stable, committed household.

 

You said you've been wanting marriage for a long time. if it is just a piece of paper, why didn't he sign it? what were his reasons for not wanting to get married?

 

I don't see anything wrong with wanting to get married. if you two love each other, and the stupid piece of paper is important to one of you, then what is so wrong with the other person signing it? that paper gives you a lot of legal rights.

 

My bottom line is I think it's fine if two people are against the insitution of marriage, and just want to stay together. However, if one person wants marrige, they shouldn't have to talk themselves out of it, or be told that marriage is "a silly piece of paper." don't discount your needs.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I think I know what post you are talking about, the point there was that one person wanted to marry and the other one didn't yet, so if two people don't agree in something as important as marriage it's difficult their relationship is going to survive.

 

Another thing is that a person wants one thing but ends up considering what the OTHER wants more important, they change their beliefs to adopt the ones of the partner which is unhealthy for both.

 

Now, most married couples won't tell you their marriage is just a piece of paper, I personally believe it's a different form of commitment (but yes I'm not married).

Marriage is supposed to tell people "These two are no longer available", that's why in the old days the whole village attended the wedding and stuff.

We know marriage is no "warrantee" that the other person is going to stay committed, be faithful, etc. but if a person is a cheater he'll also be one if a marriage is not present, thereforeeee, it's irrelevant.

 

Let's say a guy or girl is in love, they care about their partner, they are monogamous, they want to spend their lives with them BUT don't want to get married, ignoring the legal reasons and "the next logical step" mentality, what's left?, the person loves you but doesn't want to sign "a piece of paper", if it's the same to them, the same commitment, why not do it?.

 

It's easier and cheaper to end a relationship if you don't have to go through a divorce first.

 

Marriage means different things to different people, but in general I think those who see it as social status, following rules or a superficial event usually have very different reasons to go against it, and, other aspects in their lives often show it.

 

But, if two people don't want to get married, (and share the reasons for it) it's the same as if two people want to, it works for them, it's what makes them happy, there aren't any problems.

[anydaynow]

Hi, it's the poster who was tired of waiting!

 

You are right, two people can love each other and not get married and still be happy.

 

I know someone who just does not believe in marriage as a religious or civil institution. She is very dear to me and has a wonderful relationship with her partner. I do not think any less of her because of her views on marriage or because she was living with her partner and unmarried.

 

Likewise, she does not think I am crazy for wanting to be married before I do certain things. Like merging finances, living together, and having children. A piece of paper will not change our relationship. I don't need marriage to think that our commitment to one another is solid. But I wanted to do things in a certain order out of respect for my parents beliefs. This was the only reason at first, but they have now become my own beliefs.

 

I do think it is silly that some people think that getting married will fundamentally change a relationship- i.e. make participants of the relationship more committed to each other.

 

It really is personal preference. But it is true that there are legal differences between married couples and unmarried. My friend that does not believe in marriage actually ended up getting married. It has not changed her relationship at all, but they had to deal with societal conventions, including the inability to be covered under her partner's healthcare plan until they were married.

[RayKay]

It totally depends on the couple. My mother and stepfather have been together 20 years, never married, by mutual choice. Neither of them wanted to get married (both are divorced previously), they are way more committed than most married couples I know, and are head over heels for one another. I totally look up to them, and their relationship as what I would want for myself.

 

However, they also live where they ARE legally protected under the law, considered "married" under the law and thereforeeee neither will find themself in a tough spot. They have also been very careful to adopt wills, and planned their estates to cover each other. It's not like that everywhere, or with every couple.

 

My opinion, I think that if two people CHOOSE not to get married that is completely acceptable.

 

However, I think there is a big difference between that mutual decision, and someone just giving up on their own dreams/desires to keep the other person happy. Relationships should not have you "give up" those goals and values you have to retain the other person in my opinion. Shared goals and values are very important, and when you give up your dreams, resentment often follows at some point. The same goes when it comes to having children, where you want to live, etcetera. This goes both ways - I don't think someone whom does not want to get married should be pressured into doing it either.

[fishrrshortae]

I think the act of marriage (wedding/ceremony, etc) isn't about demonstrating your feelings to your partner, but is instead intended to let the community (family/friends, etc) know your intentions.