How Does Getting Back Together Usually Work Out?

[andrew05151]

I feel like I am in a pretty terrible situation, and the reason that it's terrible is because I feel so hopeful. I can't let go...

 

To make a long story short, me and my girlfriend has a good relationship (so I thought) for nearly 2 years. She was very clingy to me, and devoted. She wanted to marry me, but when she talked about it I would get scared, and told her not to. I told her it creeped me out. I dont think by doing so it put much of a damper on anything, but I'd like to make it a point that she was very clingy. I felt smothered often, and started to lose my affection towards her. I felt like she was trying to control me. I started to push her away, and things went downhill...without me even realizing it. She found comfort in her ex, and abrubtly left me for him. She said "he makes me feel good" and "he's never made me cry like you do." I was left devestated, nearly suicidal. I found support here, and after fighting for her for one week...I gave up. I went into NC.

 

The most painful five days of my life followed, then she broke the NC. She said that she missed me, and everything in her life reminds me of her. She said she has feelings for her ex, but they arent as strong as for me. That she has fun with him, but he doesnt do the little things I do to make her smile. She had evidently cut things off at least somewhat with him, as I could tell from their differing profiles. I took this as thinking she wanted me back, so I went to see her. She cried and cried, hugged me, kissed me. I took her back that night. I figured, hey she really hurt me...but being broken up for only 5 days...I can get past that. Now she knows it's me she wants.

 

But, now that we're back together...things haven't been the same at all. I feel like I am forcing affection out of her. She still talks to her ex and i am extremely insecure. I keep thinking that she'll now miss HIM, and jump back to him. She's not clinging to me at all, she seems to only say "I love you" when I say it first.

 

I talked to her on a more serious level a little last night, and she told me that she didn't want to cling to me anymore. She said that it was wrong for her to do that, and that she ditched her friends for me all the time. She wants to hang out with her friends, and her ex is a good friend of hers. So, she will not do as I wish and stop talking/seeing him.

 

Now, the roles are reversed. I find myself clinging to her, but I know I can't. I want to play it cool, but I'm so messed up..I can't do the things I once loved to do. Like playing video games, for example. All I ever want to do now is be with her. But, Im afraid if I continuously go to see her, she'll juts be annoyed with me and leave me. But, if I don't I'm afraid that she'll grow closer to the other guy.

 

What bugs me is I keep comparing everything to how it used to be, and things are so much less with her than before that I keep doubting her. I expect her to have how much she loves me in her away messages, and when she doesn't...it hurts.

 

What does everyone else think? Is there hope? Do relationships that are broken up for a short period of time often work out? Or, statistically speaking....are things doomed?

 

Thanks.

[novaseeker]

They often don't work out. There is always a chance they can work out again, but it's hard. It depends very much on the people involved and the circumstances.

 

The best way to look at it is as a "new relationship". That is ... instead of trying to recreate what you had before the breakup, try to create something new. You can never really get the old relationship back, but you may be able to craft a new relationship.

[andrew05151]

Don't often work out....sigh.

 

I feel so rejected by her, even though we're together. I can't tell what's worse. Being alone and near suicide, but having the stability of knowing that I'm alone. Or, being in this constant state of uncertainty. The constant highs followed by crashes. Constantly worrying that she's not being true, legit, honest...

 

I hate life.

[Day_Walker]

Getting back together typically doesnt work and depending on the parties involved is hard to get back to where the relationship was.

[novaseeker]

Don't often work out....sigh.

 

I feel so rejected by her, even though we're together. I can't tell what's worse. Being alone and near suicide, but having the stability of knowing that I'm alone. Or, being in this constant state of uncertainty. The constant highs followed by crashes. Constantly worrying that she's not being true, legit, honest...

 

I hate life.

 

Well, you have to think whether you would be better off with or without. In your case, you should think hard about that. I'm not going to draw the conclusion for you, because only you can do that, but you should give it some thought.

 

It's very hard and painful. I'm sorry you're going through this. Things will get better than they are now, either way. Hang in there.

[Cute Band Rat]

Andrew put yourself in HER shoes. She gave you what YOU wanted when you had it, but as you said now the roles are reversed. How can she trust YOU won't get "creeped" out again and push her away??? You can't have it both ways. Have you told her you regret pushing her away?? Have you expressed remorse?? You cannot expect her to just go back to the way things were.

She is doing what you wanted...and not being so clingy. That is a healthy thing to do.

[annie24]

from my experiences and reading others here on eNotalone, I would say that only 10% of people who break up get back together. But, of those 10%, maybe only 10% of those wind up staying together for a while (ie, 6 months or more). Far fewer wind up married.

 

So, all in all, I would say that about 0.5% of people who break up get back together and stay together, so that is a 1 in 200 chance.

 

most of the others who break up, and get back together, break up again soon afterwards, because the issues that led to the breakup were never fully resolved. it is those that really worked out the issues for the first breakup that get back together and stay that way.

[andrew05151]

Andrew put yourself in HER shoes. She gave you what YOU wanted when you had it, but as you said now the roles are reversed. How can she trust YOU won't get "creeped" out again and push her away??? You can't have it both ways. Have you told her you regret pushing her away?? Have you expressed remorse?? You cannot expect her to just go back to the way things were.

She is doing what you wanted...and not being so clingy. That is a healthy thing to do.

 

Oh, god yes I have expressed remorse. I have explained things multiple times. I've told her how I felt, why I acted as I did, how I feel now, how I know I am different. She doesn't seem to believe it, or care too much. I think maybe she doesn't love me anymore, but can't let go of the two years we had.

 

I just know that if she would be able to love me like she did before, we'd be okay. I can feel it inside of me. I may not have had her my #1 priority before, but I do now. And, now that I know the pain of losing her, I won't take it for granted again.

 

That's why I want to stick it out longer, because maybe things will grow...?

[moe42]

OMG I went through the EXACT same thing with the last guy I dated (only difference was we only dated for 5 months, but he had been a really close friend for about a year) He was really clingy, I mean calling every ten minutes (not to check up but just to say hi and that he missed me or ask how I was doing), CLINGY. So I broke it off at 5 months. I couldnt believe how much I missed him. I couldnt eat or sleep and I had this sickening feeling in my stomach 24/7. So when he called me to tell me his mom was in a coma in the hospitol I drove right over (a normally 20 min. drive took me around 8 min). Right when I got out of the elevator ill never forget his face, he looked so happy to see me. We talked at the hospitol for two days and he told me how much it hurt him when I broke up with him. We ended up sharing a hospitol bed that night (nothing happened except a bit of cuddling). The following day she died and a few days later we got back together. I dont know what it was, the break up or the fact that his mom died or both but things just were not the same. It seemed like I wanted him more than he wanted me. We dated for another 4 months before things completely fell apart, I was doing all the "work" in the relationship. I got tired of doing the "work" and he thought he was being unfair to me so we ended it. We dont really talk anymore which sucks really badly but im over him now but it did take a while. Ive been single for almost 4 months and couldnt look at other guys without thinking of him. I had a rebound that ended another friendship and basically felt like crap. I just met a guy who I really like and I finally feel whole again. I guess things can go two ways.

 

1. You get back together and realize you cant be without eachother. The break up strengthens the relationship and your happy for a long long time.

 

2. You get back together and things just arent the same because someones heart was broken and they feel researved or betrayed. They have the break up in the back of their minds and cant let go of that feeling. Things dont work out and it ends (usually badly, without the chance of being friends).

 

You just have to decide how its going to be for you two.

[andrew05151]

Also, she thinks I am being overly nice now because I am pampering her. She also thinks I don't trust her, which is true.

 

Well, I am pampering her...but things are sensitive now.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't think she's fully happy with me anymore, and I don't think she can be. I'm gonna try not to force anything. Try to let her ask to see me, instead of vice versa. Try to show her a good time when she's with me, but also try to keep us talking on a deep level about feelings...

 

But, this feeling of rejection stings, and clouds my mind.

[kellbell]

"how I know I am different."

 

Andrew, it is hard to change and be completely different in that short period of time you were apart. It takes a great deal to change drastically, it could take months or even years...usually by the help of a professional.

 

Changing for someone and to keep him/her around is manipulative (although I know you are not being melicious) and she knows that. Change for YOURSELF and not for a relationship. IMO, this is why you are running into the same issues as before, you are trying to be someone you are not for her sake. No one will ever respect that.

[iceman85]

Andrew even though I know you love her 5 days apart will not resolve any of the issues that were there. I really hope you can work it out but do not push her for anything. If it doesnt feel right I think you should tell her that you guys need more time to sort things out,you dont want to kill it for good.

[andrew05151]

"how I know I am different."

 

Andrew, it is hard to change and be completely different in that short period of time you were apart. It takes a great deal to change drastically, it could take months or even years...usually by the help of a professional.

 

Changing for someone and to keep him/her around is manipulative (although I know you are not being melicious) and she knows that. Change for YOURSELF and not for a relationship. IMO, this is why you are running into the same issues as before, you are trying to be someone you are not for her sake. No one will ever respect that.

 

Hmm...but, I really do feel this way. I really don't want to do anything anymore except be with her. She loved me once, and she swears she still does, and she never stopped.

 

Yet, I don't feel the love from her. It seems like just words. Maybe it's because I'm showing so much love for her now, maybe it scares her. Perhaps I should stop putting in so much effort. Maybe I should let it be her...after all, she DID come back to ME.

 

But, now that she has me back in her life...maybe her feelings for the ex begin to grow again. Now that her feelings of missing me are resolved, she can focus more on her desire to be with him. I DONT KNOW! This is such torture.

[kellbell]

Andrew,

 

I know you feel this way but no one changes in 5 days.

 

"I really don't want to do anything anymore except be with her."

 

Right here, this is your trouble. You have completely lost yourself in this relationship and her. You cannot put that burden or responsibilty on her like that, she is not responsible for your happiness and well-being and you are putting it on HER by alientating eveything and everyone else in your life. It is smothering and not attractive.

 

"Yet, I don't feel the love from her. It seems like just words."

 

Your behavior is burning her out. Perhaps she is overwhelmed.

 

Your best bet is to save yourself from more pain and take a step back from all this and you and her some breathing room. I know it is hard but the easiest options are usually the incorrect ones.

[andrew05151]

Andrew,

 

I know you feel this way but no one changes in 5 days.

 

"I really don't want to do anything anymore except be with her."

 

Right here, this is your trouble. You have completely lost yourself in this relationship and her. You cannot put that burden or responsibilty on her like that, she is not responsible for your happiness and well-being and you are putting it on HER by alientating eveything and everyone else in your life. It is smothering and not attractive.

 

"Yet, I don't feel the love from her. It seems like just words."

 

Your behavior is burning her out. Perhaps she is overwhelmed.

 

Your best bet is to save yourself from more pain and take a step back from all this and you and her some breathing room. I know it is hard but the easiest options are usually the incorrect ones.

 

Right. I have to be strong. Stop initiating things. Just let it flow. I have to stop forcing myself on her. It's so hard to sit here and feel rejected, I want her re-assurance all the time. But, I've gotten all I am going to get. Now, I just need to try to keep cool. Hopefully if I stop putting in the effort, she'll pick up some slack...

[Scout]

This is an unfortunate situation. Sure, you're back together, but things are just as unbalanced - except this time, you're the one who is clinging.

 

It doesn't help she's hanging out with her ex, either.

 

If she really loved you as much as she used to claim she did, she never would have dumped you for the ex, and she certainly would be putting your reconcilation at the top of her list of priorities. And that would mean NOT hanging out with the ex.

 

In this case, I would stop worrying about salvaging the relationship, and instead focus on regaining your self-respect. Which you're quickly about to lose if you continue to put up with this state of affairs.

 

If I were you, I'd just tell her...you know, it sucks, but our relationship has never been balanced. Some people just don't work together. Maybe you and your ex are more suited for each other, after all. I really think it's time we end this once and for all.

 

And mean it!

 

Believe me, she'll soon be comparing her ex to you, and he'll have to deal with her flip-flopping emotions. Better him than you.

 

It will hurt, and very badly, but at least you will have your self-respect. Trust me, when that goes, the pain is ten times worse.

[Beyondthesea]

Personally I have gone back to people/they've come back to me after breaking up, and it never worked out. From my experience I would now never go back after a breakup. What's broken should stay broken. If the relationship was strong, it would have resolved the issues concerned.

[lvlyldy]

hi andrew,

 

Your situation seems very similar to my scenario with my ex. He and I were together 1.5 years, I tended to be clingy wanting lots of his time and attention and didnt make many friends. He tended to need space (he likes to play WoW and do boy things every now and then) and that tended to cause conflict a lot. It was always a fight with him about this, because I didnt care about HOW much time we spent, I just wnated him ot be happy when he did spend time with me, he just dindt seem happy when he did and so i never felt happy about it.

 

He is the one who broke it off with me. We had spoken about this problem befre and had decided to give eachother more space in our relationship, but our sitauation was made worse by the fact that I became very ill and became even more dependent/needy/clingy/stressed adn he began having academic problems which really hurt his self esteem. I needed him more, and he needed more and more space (he runs away and hides when things go wrong) and we began fighting a lot. In the end too much stress for him and he left.

 

I know right after the break up I would have done anything to get him back. I promised him things would be different, I was finally feeling better health wise and I thought things could really work. I still believe they could, but I realize looking back with an issue like this you really do need some REAL time and space apart. Yes he and I deal with stress differently, but we both had issues we needed to overcome on our own seperatly. I need to make friends, become more independent and less focused on him and more on me. He also needs to make friends and work on his self esteem issues, and realize that I am really worht the fight.

 

He told me in response to working things out the one time we ALMOST reconciled 3 weeks later that nothign had relaly changed in such a short span of time, and that even if I had changed he would be dependent on me and we would fail anyway. I think this is true, I think what my ex predicted would happen with us is what happened to you. I dont think you are doomed to failure though. I think maybe you should break things off but leave it open ended. I would tell her you both need time to figure things out- seperatlely, and if it works out in the future great, and then go NC for awhile until you both have dealt with things.

 

Now with over 3 months of being broken up, and 40 days NC I can relaly look back at the situation and say whether or not I truly want to be with my ex. In my heart I know I do, and I know that if it were to work out it would take a lot of forgivenss on my part to let go of the resentment I hold towards him right now, but I do know it would work because I have ogne out made friends, become more independent, worked on ME... so that in the fture I can have a better "we" when it comes to a relationship. I hope it works out with me and my ex, and I firmly believe if we truly cared about eachother it woudl work itself out. However, its going to take cahnges on both sides... I have learned and improved a lot, but he needs to learn how to deal with the fact that I need time, and he has to be more confident about himself and make those friends so he doenst resent ME when we spend time togehter. Idont know if that makes sense, I think you need to look at what role you played in this and how you could better satisfy your exgfs needs of time and such if things were to work out.

[saltwatergirl]

Her behavior before ran you off. She knows that. So of course, she is now trying to find her footing here. She probably felt rejected, inadequate, and unlovable. You have to change those feelings.

 

If you don't want to lose her, show her you are confident in this relationship by putting your fears to the side and focusing on what you can do to make her feel secure. Show her that it is okay to be herself with you. That it is okay to let down her guard and trust you again. Show her your strength---she will respond to that by letting her guard down as she begins to feel "safe". I'm sure at this point she doesn't, because if YOU are unsettled, she can't "fall into" the security of you because you aren't giving her any security. You are afraid; so she is as well. Hence, the hesitation and distance on her part. If you want her to be comfortable, give her something to take comfort in. Your Strength. Your lack of fear. Your Confidence. Right now she has nothing to hold on to. You have to give her something.

 

If she was as you describe in the beginning, clingy, and now, distant, she probably has NEVER felt safe or secure in this relationship. Find ways to start making her feel secure. Be unwavering, in however she behaves. If she clings, be steady. If she withdraws, be steady. Stop questioning how she acts. This is only serving to fuel her insecurity with you. If you will just be still, she will soon come to see this as safe territory, and she will relax and be herself. Whatever that is!

 

Salt

[Scout]

Stop questioning how she acts. This is only serving to fuel her insecurity with you. If you will just be still, she will soon come to see this as safe territory, and she will relax and be herself. Whatever that is!

 

Salt

 

Salt, I do agree that your advice is great - for many relationship problems that stem from insecurity a partner might be having. But in this case, are you sure the answer is his girlfriend just needs to see her boyfriend is steady? It seems to me that she went into this relationship a very clingy, needy person. When she dumped him, it was to hang out with her ex again! That's a bit beyond being insecure, don't you think? It indicates she needs constant attention from a male.

 

Now that her boyfriend is making an honest effort to be attentive, she is rejecting him - again, for her ex.

 

Shouldn't he be questioning this unfair - and disrespectful - behavior on her part?

 

I fear this girl has issues that he can't solve. She needs to figure out why she demands attention, only to reject it when it's actually given to her. Because she's basically juggling two guys at this point. I would say she has a greed, rather than a need, for attention.

[andrew05151]

Oh my god, you guys are both very right! Really good advice. Now, I'm confused, though. I really like salt's advice about me being more stable, more confident. I need to.

 

But, scout is absolutely right! It is greed. She never dumps anyone unless she has the next guy lined up and ready to go. It's been that way since she was in like 10th grade. She's selfish, too...

 

But, she came back to me after 5 days. She tells me she loves me. Yet, I don't seem to get the affection.

 

She isn't lying, I don't think. She came back to me...she would have only done that if she wanted to. Why doesn't she seem to be in love with me now, though? I don't understand.

[saltwatergirl]

Well maybe I'm confused. Because I thought YOU broke up with her because of the clinginess. I thought you were the one who intially did the breaking up....making her dating status (and your evaluation of it) a non-issue.

 

Salt

[saltwatergirl]

PS My first reply was an answer to the "why is she distant now" question you had. I didnt' touch on her subsequent dating because, in all honesty, if you initially did the dumping, I dont see where that's any of your concern (no offense). Your goal is to improve things now, with her, right? Not evaluate her choice in dating habits post-breakup.

 

Salt

[andrew05151]

She pretty much did the breaking up. She told me she was confused about what she wanted, me or him. She didnt break up with me, she said she needed time. Meanwhile she had the best of both worlds. I fought for her for an entire week. I did as many things as I could to show her how much I cared. It didn't seem to be working, so I left her. I was sick of being half loved, and of losing all the ground I would gain every day. It hurt me so much to be taken up so high when I was with her, only to be crashed down. So, I left her....and went into NC.

 

Five days later, she comes back to me crying, saying she knows it's me she wants, it's me she loves. She says she has feelings still for the other guy, but they can never be what she has for me. So, I took her back.

 

The next day, it's like I'm fighting for her attention again. She won't show me much affection, unless I kind of work for it. Even then, it takes a lot...like I'm pretty much forcing it out. I have to stop doing that, though. It's not right to either of us.

 

The sad thing is, I did want her to be less clingy....but now that she's not clingy at all...I want it all back again. I need her to need me again, but...

 

I feel ignored and rejected, even though she's chosen me as her boyfriend. I guess I'll give it some time, see where it goes...

 

But, does anyone have any clue what may be up?

 

Thanks for everyone's responses.

[96GSX]

Dood, I know how you feel. I know what it's like to feel like everything is lost if you lose her. I'm in the middle of trying to get back together with my ex and it's pretty gutwrenching. However, my situation doesn't involve another guy, if another guy was in the picture, and I had to "share" my girl with someone else, or if I had to take the position of being 1 of 2 options in her confused mind (even if you are the current chosen option)...it's complete BS and you should take the initiative and break it off...especially if she says she loves you, but doesn't show you affection, AND wants to be with someone else at the same time. Don't let yourself get walked all over like that...that to me, is disrespect hardcore. Plus if you're the option she seems to want more at the moment, and you give her an ultimatum...it might not turn out so bad.

 

Just my .02.