How Does Getting Back Together Usually Work Out?

[mamy123]

I'm having a pretty routine procedure done (ovarian cyst removal). I've never had surgery before, never even had stitches, so I had been taking things really hard and have been really stressed out. He did everything he could to comfort me and support me, but with my constant mood swings and stress, he didn't think anything he was doing was helping. And then I broke down because he has to be out of town and wouldn't be able to be at the hospital.

 

I'm not even sure if he was serious about coming to see me. I don't want to get my hopes up, but this is the first time he has contacted me since he broke things off. I'll just be the real me (once this surgery is done most of my stress and worries will be lifted), always in a good mood and laid back, and we'll see what happens.

 

We always have a great time together. Even the last time I was with him, he cuddled me and joked around. I literally had to take his arms off me so I could leave his apartment and go home. So, I'm pretty sure he still has feelings for me. I'm not sure though.....

[andrew05151]

That's a really good point. I like that comparison to bar buddies. I'll try to keep that in mind next time I feel like it's slipping away. Alright, I'll just try to have a good time, and make her laugh and smile and just have fun. That'll at least feel like old times....and that has to mean something to her. I hope...

[texasman123]

That's a really good point. I like that comparison to bar buddies. I'll try to keep that in mind next time I feel like it's slipping away. Alright, I'll just try to have a good time, and make her laugh and smile and just have fun. That'll at least feel like old times....and that has to mean something to her. I hope...

 

Glad I can help with a little of my own situation. What happened with me took extreme patience. It was often very difficult. You will have nights that all you want to do is hang out the way it used to be and thats just not in the cards. but, you will eventually get there if the otehr person is willing and you give time and space. they need to want to be with you....thwey already know you are there for them, so you dont need to feel you need to constantly reinforce it - and, you should know she is there for you too since she is making the effort. You wouldnt need to get this from her when things were good right? You just knew it. so make sure you are acting that way...

[andrew05151]

Glad I can help with a little of my own situation. What happened with me took extreme patience. It was often very difficult. You will have nights that all you want to do is hang out the way it used to be and thats just not in the cards. but, you will eventually get there if the otehr person is willing and you give time and space. they need to want to be with you....thwey already know you are there for them, so you dont need to feel you need to constantly reinforce it - and, you should know she is there for you too since she is making the effort. You wouldnt need to get this from her when things were good right? You just knew it. so make sure you are acting that way...

 

Well, I always thought she would be there for me back when things were good...but I was sadly mistaken.

 

I don't necessarily want her to think I'll ALWAYS be there for her, that's not true. She cannot think that it's okay for her to pursue constant contact with this other guy. I can't stand for that, it's not right.

 

That's my biggest fear, that she doesn't REALLY want to be with me. That she's just hanging on to memories, and weening herself off of me.

 

Then, everytime something doesn't feel like it's gone right...those negative feelings are reinforced. That's why I constantly try to find reassurance in her. Or, at least I was. But, I'm trying to stop that, now. I'm trying to be stronger, and care less.

 

It just doesn't seem like it's helpful to the situation to let her go alone to a graduation party where I know her friends are going to be at...but the guy she originally left me for is there, too. I don't think that by being cool with that, it helps my situation. She's come back to me, good...but why not act a little more like a girlfriend....

[texasman123]

that was one of the hardest thing I had to deal with. She did, and still does to an extent, more on her own than she used to. It has gotten much better than it was, but it is still evident a little.

 

For example, even though i have seen her parents since getting back together, she was talking about a trip with them and I was clearly not invited (well, not clearly, but whatever).

 

Some more specific advice - for one, it seems that she needs space still. Not a tone, but more than she had. With my ex I am constantly givng her space and she is constantly pushing back for less. Thats good. Thats what you want is her asking for less space, not asking for more. So let her do whatever, and don't (outwardly) get jealous. Even if there is this ex, it seems as though she has chosen you, so be happy with that and let her still see him. It will make her crazy if you don't care,trust me.

 

She might not want a boyfriend right now, she just might want you....so she wants the freedom to still go to any party she wants to with whoever there. If you trust her, and do not make a big deal of it, then she knows you are cool with her and things and she will feel confortable. You ate NOT letting her walk all over you; just giving her freedom. If she shoves it in your face, then take that action..

[andrew05151]

Oh man, that's good advice, I know...but am I truly strong enough to handle it? Suspecitng that the dude called during OUR conversation, and that she cut the conversation with me off to talk...that really bothers me. Then again, maybe it WAS her grandma.....there's like a 5% chance she was being honest. How can I trust her when she's pulling that kind of crap? But, I can't force her to be with me...I can't force her to do anything, that'll ruin everything. So, really...what other choice do I have except to take your advice? I know that pushing her into me will kill everything...so I just have to be like you say and keep cool. I don't ask about the other guy hardly at all, so I have sort of been acting like I don't care about him....too much.

 

But, I don't think she'll be initiating any dates. Do you think I should still do that? At the same time, I don't want to her to get into the habit of expecting me to ask her to do stuff together. But, if I stop...I have no idea how many days it will take before she asks me...if she'd ask me at all. I let her initiate the IMs, but I initiate the phone/get togethers.

 

Would it be smarter for me to stop? I don't know...if I give her too much free time she might hang out with...HIM.....ugh

 

I can just picture them hanging out, and her feelings for him rising, for me lowering, and me being shut out completely

[texasman123]

It won't happen with him, trust me. ...here is another of my stories....here it is

 

We were talking a bit and starting to hang out a little. a Firend of mine saw my ex at a bar with what was described as "a tall, goodlooking dude that had his arm around her"...I asked if they looked together she said "absolutley" - She even descibed the shirt he was wearing. I was beyond devistated and wrote the whole "ever getting back" thing off. Three weeks later having dinner with her she shows me a picture of the night in question and her gay friend is the wearing the shirt. It was him and I got upset for weeks over nothing. I told myself never to tyr and do that again, and i didn't.

 

My point is that even if she is talking to him, who cares. You have no idea if it was her grandmother or not so why worry. Worry about when you are together and yourself. Also, take time to do the * * * * you like to do. If she goes out to a party, you go out with your friends. Not to get even, but just to have your own space. Most of my friends envy my relationship right now because she give ME space. I love it, when i really chill and think about it.

 

Just know that she is not a puzzle you can solve. theres no right or wrong. all you need to do is be yourself. The hard part is over. If you were secure about everything right now you would never worry abou ther going to a party, even if an ex was there. she might feel secure with you, so chill. I still hang out all the time with one of my exes and nothing happens, but i still have some feelings for her (like a sister to be honest). Relax and enjoy her...if she bolts you did all you could. but DONT create barriers, and DONT pressure things. Thats a strong and secure guy, and girls love that - even if it is a little bit of an act..

 

And dont ask her out so much...if shes not calling, let her not call. Or when she does talk about stuff you are doing until she initiates once in awhile. She'll be like " * * *" when you are not doing it all the time. Again, it takes patience but its what works...

[iceman85]

texasman I really want to thank you for coming here and sharing your experience with us all. If you care to read my thread (meeting ex, but uncertainty still abundant) i'd really appreciate it.

 

I'm trying to do exactly like you did. I met her yesterday for the first time since about a week after the breakup. It was rocky at first but I didnt push or do anything other then just ask her if anything was wrong, and when she told me she was tired (which I didn't believe for a second because she looked about to cry and I know when somethings bothering her) I accepted it and didnt pry deeper. It wasnt until the very end of lunch that she was more open, I had chalked the day up as a total loss and it was nice that she finally felt alright to be open like I had been the whole time.

 

When I dropped her off I wanted to hug her but decided it wasnt best, but then she gave me a hug and I told her I missed her, she said she missed me too and then I gave her another hug and left. I felt so happy at that point but its just a small step and I have to realize it doesnt mean she will be back.

 

I am now gonna wait until she contacts me again and we'll see what happens from there. It is so hard to be so calm and cool when all I want to do is have my arms around her and things be better again.

 

Any advice you could give to me would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

 

ANDREW, buddy calm down a bit. Your girl is somewhat back, listen to the advice here, even if you dont trust her, you have to keep that concealed, you have to give her a chance to prove herself, dont worry about it, DONT look at the other guys away message, block him, that way you wont have that problem. She said she wants to be with you, trust her please, just take things slow and easy, it will be akward for awhile and she wants to see if you have changed. Don't be jealous and needy, let her go and do her own thing and then she will trust you again, she will see that you arent someone needy and that you can be strong without her.

[andrew05151]

You guys have some awesome advice, and I thank you all for it. It's really been helping me. I will share my night with you all tomorrow at work, as I need to sleep now. I just got back, but I think the night went pretty well. I like that idea about blocking her ex, so I stop comparing crap. His away messages really piss me off with those love songs. He talks some crap about me, too... You're right though, I read too much into this stuff. He keeps putting 's in his away messages, which is what he did when they were "dating" for five days. Really bugs me...I wish I could see their conversations....but screw it I can't let it get me down...we had a good night, seemed to make progress. I'm flying high now and that's scary...I am setting myself up for another crash...but I just feel so damn good right now. Ah, life...it can feel so good, and so terrible...all at once.

[andrew05151]

Okay, so here is how my night went.

 

I arrived to pick her up to go to walmart and get her pictures developed and get a new picture frame. When I got there she seemed very distant, like she didn't want me around. On the car ride to walmart, it was the same. I tried to converse as much as I could, but she wasn't very responsive. But, I stayed positive. I didn't let it get to me. When we got to the parking lot I parked near a car with a license plate "bubblez." So, I made a few jokes about the plate, she smiled a little. There were some girls nearby beating their heads to loud rap music, we both hate rap music...so I made some sarcastic comments about the girls to her, and she seemed to respond alright. In the store, I touched her shoulders a few times, and she seemed to kind of move closer to me. There wasn't much physical contact, but she seemed to be a little more warmer, opening up some. I thought that the trip was kind of a waste at this point, that I wasn't getting anywhere.

 

On the car ride back, it was more of the same. Except, she had her hand in plain view, resting on her leg. We always used to hold hands in the car as I drove. On the way in she had her hand concealed...so, I looked at her hand a few times, and sure enough...she noticed. She looked at me and asked me, "What?" I said, "Your hand looks kind of lonely there." She gave me this really adorable look with her eyes, an agreement look I guess. I said "My hand is pretty lonely, too." And I moved mine towards her's, slowly. She moved her's into mine, and we held hands. This, for me anyways, sparked a connection. Instead of taking her home, I went to a McDonald's to get an ice cream.

 

In the restaurant, I continued with stupid jokes, to make her laugh. I played with her a lot, like how we used to. Back in the car, I didn't want to take her hand again. To my amazement, though, she initiated a little hand game. She would go to take my hand, but when I would try to take hers back, she'd pull it away. So, I'd pretend to be sad. And she'd do it again, the second time I pretended to be offended, and was like "FINE!" And then she pretended to be sad "Awww" and grabbed my hand, and we held hands for the rest of the ride. I felt so high.

 

Back at her house, she immediately said in a joking voice "Okay, well good bye." I took it as maybe she wanted me to leave for real, but I wasn't going to just invite myself in anyways, so it didn't matter. I acted a little sad, and she smiled at me. I said in a serious voice, then "Seriously, do you want me to go home?" And she disagreed. "Noo." "You sure?" "Yes, you can come in." So, I did.

 

Back in her room, we flirted a lot more. A lot of tickling, pillow fight, fake dramatic games. That sort of crap. Then at one point she actually mounted me in a semi sexual way, with her hips against mine, her legs around my waist, as she tried to tickle me. She stayed that way for a good 5-10 minutes. However, there wasn't kissing.

 

Later on, I almost fell off the bed, and she grabbed me and pulled me close to her. I pretended to be slipping away further and she clutched onto me to pull me back, I then wrapped my arms around her body. Around this point she started to get more interested in the TV, I gave her a foot massage, and a back massage, both of which she likes. This wasn't unusual behavior for me, though, as I always gave her massages throughout our relationship. I layed down afterwards to watch tv, and she layed against my stomach. Later on, I was sitting up, and she sat in front of me, then kind of leaned backwards, so I wrapped my arms around her from behind.

 

I could feel sparks, I just hope she did, too. But, she seemed to be semi receptive to me. She still isn't really kissing me, though. We kiss on the lips, but nothing passionate, no tongue.

 

She always used to tell me she wants to hear my voice before she goes to sleep. When I left at 11 30 pm, I asked her if she wanted me to call to say goodnight still (she needed to take a shower). She told me she would like me to. So, I did. That went fine as well.

 

This morning she IMed me first thing, our conversation was the usual BS about nothing useful at all. However, I seem to have some affection again. When I do my little game of being sad about something. Like "I'm so bored here at work She was before just giving me "oh" or "yeah" but now I'm finally getting the more normal "aww" to show that she at least seems to care.

 

As the conversation today was, in my opinion, stale...as usual. This isn't abnormal, either, though...as our AIM conversations rarely had a lot of substance. Anyways, I mentioned to her "I had a good time last night" and all I got in return was "yeah" That hurt a lot, but whatever.

 

I'm still concerned about the other guy possibly calling. I didn't have the guts to mention anything to her dad about the grandma calling so late, so I can't confirm that. I think I really just didn't want to know the truth. Unfortunately, there was something kind of odd again today. She put her sleep away up at 12 30 am, right as I was on the phone with her. However, this morning, according to her idle time, she wasn't idle until 1 30 am. Her away never changed, but she does use MSN and it's possible that the other guy does as well. Perhaps she conversed with him last night, maybe even on the phone. Maybe she is hearing HIS voice before bed, not mine.

 

Oh, I hate to let something so stupid as idle time get to me. So, I am trying not to. After all, I think it was a pretty successful night.

 

I won't bug her to do anything today, maybe tomorrow? I don't know...

 

I want to, but I don't want to push. Two consecutive days without seeing eachother...I'd rather not. I want things to move along.

[iceman85]

Andrew your meeting sounds like the meeting I had, very touchy and very hot and cold. You did great, especially when you first met her and she was distant. I got the same thing to and it was hard for me not to burst, I did ask her if anything was wrong and she said she was just tired. I knew there was because I know her so well and she looked like she was going to cry. Anyway conversation was really all me one sided and she didnt really talk too much.

 

It wasnt until the end when she started to open up more and wanted to take a silly picture of me for her cell phone. On the ride home she had her hand on her leg and I looked at it but resisted taking her hand, we held hands alot in the car too but I didnt want to be too forward after most of the time she was very distant.

 

When I got her back to her house I knew i wasnt going to go back in because she told me she had to go get a friend and she told me before that all she wanted was to get lunch so I was fine with that. I wanted to hug her and was glad when she hugged me first. When I said I missed her and she told me that she missed me too I was so happy and high I almost crashed on the way home. I gave her another hug before she got out and told her i'd see her later and that was the last time I talked to her.

 

I'm just like you I feel like it was sucessful but I worry about her distance and that she wants someone else. I dont know whats going on in her mind so I do my best not to think of it, even though I still do.

 

What I have done is gone NC and am waiting for her to call me, as much as I want to go for it right now I know that it will backfire. I want her to call me and we'll see what happens from there. Its day 2 now and we'll see when she calls me, I keep expecting it when I shouldnt, I should be prepared to ride this out for awhile.

 

I look at my exs aways and stuff and latley she has been online a lot as she hasnt been with the other guy, i dont know if she still talks to him or not, all i know is that their done and thats all that matters to me. I dont know who she talks to nor do I care, all I care about is me and her. Yes if i notice she was online for a long time or has been idle a long time I start getting worried that shes talking to someone or that shes out with the group of people and that guy she was with, it gets me a bit worried but I dont freak out about it like i used to.

 

Andrew my advice to you would be to take the advice that i was given. DO NOT push her to see you again, if she wants to see you again let her initiate it. I know how your feeling right now, all you want to do is be with her, hold her. Well right now she isnt at that point and you dont want to try and force her.

 

You have to take things slow, and maybe NC with her until she contacts you may be best here. That way she has her space, she has time to think about what she needs to think about and she doesnt see you in the way of that. You have left a good impression on her, let that be the last thing in her mind, you dont want to push and have all the work you've done ruined.

 

We're both in similar situations lets get through these together and hope for the best. Any advice you have for me I'd greatly appreciate.

[texasman123]

It sounds like you did well, but In hearing that, you still are overanalyzing things. I'm telling you with things like holding hands and being touchy feely, you should just do nothing. Let her come to you.

 

She knows that you are there for her so you don't go out of your way if she is not. STOP inviting her to things all the time, and STOP worrying about IM and * * * * like that. Go on with life and hang out when you can.

 

Its sounds like you are getting impatient. This is a slow process for it to work (the basis for your thread). You have to take it slow and have ZERO expectations. that was my experience and the only way it would have worked for me. Like i said my ex never said anything about wanting to get back. It just happened over time. Naturally. You are in a good place, but people are able to sense things, and she can sense you feeling the way you do. Imagine how different it would be if she was initiating this all. Make her, and if she doesnt then it wouldnt have worked anyway. Have that mindset.

 

Trust me on this. she broke up with you so SHE needs to be the one making YOU feel comfortable. Thats the only way I was going to deal with my ex, and in my experience, the only way for it to work...

[need2bme]

Novaseeker:

 

The best way to look at it is as a "new relationship". That is ... instead of trying to recreate what you had before the breakup, try to create something new. You can never really get the old relationship back, but you may be able to craft a new relationship.

 

I like that. I never thought of it that way.

 

Cute Band Rat:

 

Andrew put yourself in HER shoes. She gave you what YOU wanted when you had it, but as you said now the roles are reversed. How can she trust YOU won't get "creeped" out again and push her away??? You can't have it both ways.

 

Thank you for that. I needed to read it. I agree with it. You cannot have it both ways. You are going to have to pull back.

 

I too did the same thing. I was not clingy, but I did show enough compassion (I believe) and she did not either. Looking back though, I wish I had more compassion. Right now, the only thing you can do is talk.

[andrew05151]

Okay, thanks for everyone's responses.

 

Iceman: This is freaky that we are in such similar situations, huh? I don't have much advice to you, though...I mean I'm pretty damn lost myself. That's why I'm here. Everyone thinks it's best to kind of be in the NC mode, let the girl do all the initiation. I think I agree, but it's SOO hard to do that. But, we both seemed to show them a good time...so, I guess it's their turn now, eh?

 

Here's a status update on my part: I put up an away message when I got home from work today, I wanted to see if she'd talk to me even if I had an away on.

 

Well, she did...this is what I got.

 

"im going out with sam and kate and some people for abit, i'll be back in a little while. i love you"

 

Now, that other guy's away?

 

"Fulton/ oswego bbl"

 

I guarantee they're together right now.

 

That sucks so much. I was hoping that after last night maybe she'd be more prone to cutting him out...UGH.

 

Now, the best move is to not invite her out...even though I don't see her today...which means I should definitely see her tomorrow. But, I've got nothing to ask her to do, anyways.

 

Sigh. So, I won't be seeing her tomorrow, either. This is so hard...it's like I have what can make me so happy JUST BARELY out of my reach.

 

What if she's expecting me to ask her to do something? Oh well...she'll have to be the one to mention it. I have to keep telling myself that. It has to be her.

 

Oh god, but what if her and that guy do something tomorrow?! And why does it seem like they are secretly talking on the phone after she goes to bed? Maybe I'm paranoid and dellusional...but first it's a peculiar beep, then it's an idle time off by an hour. Things just don't add up. But, we have this good night (I think) and is it even getting me anywhere?

 

Maybe she just doesn't feel the spark like she used to...

[iceman85]

Your mind is racing, why do you think she is with him? You have no confirmation of that. Your mind is making you think the worst.

 

She obviously is very confused, you need to let her do her own thing, let her come to you. Join me in NC and let them contact us, theres no need to jump at them right now, if they want us they have to come to us, they have to work for what they want if thats truly what they want. Know that they cant just have us there that easily.

 

Its so so tough, this type of NC is harder than the other for me at least, because I feel just like you I feel like shes just an inch away from me and I cant grab her. It takes everything inside me to hold myself back, but please do it. Its the only way and its tough as hell but if it brings us back then its all worth it in the end. If not its a lesson in self control that you will have that improves yourself.

 

This is such a difficult time for both of us, I wish I knew, I wish I had some sort of sign, some sort of words or action that would make this better.

 

I think its obvious she doesnt feel that spark anymore, and if she truly is with that other guy HE may be giving it to her. But that wont last for long, if she doesnt love him, if its YOU shes thinking about then he means nothing.

 

My ex was with someone right after we broke up and I had to sit there with my thoughts knowing they were together, doing who knows what. It made me sick I couldnt stomach the thought of her with someone else. Then a month later it ended, at first she said it was a mutual thing then it seems like it was him that did it. I was just happy that it was over because I wanted to be with her and feared that I had lost her.

 

Enduring that time was so hard, she would still contact me every few days when he wasnt around, she would come to me for support, when I told her I couldnt do that it was so hard because I always want to be there for her. But I did it, I thought it was the ultimate backfire and then things were over between them. I dont know what happened with them nor do I want to know.

 

I'm sure she still sees him when she gets together and parties because thats how they met. And thats still her priority is to party and be wild.

 

When she texted me that she was sorry for how things ended I didnt know how to respond it was so vague but I accepted her apology and didnt say much else. Then she said that while she was single now she wanted to see about us. I again just said OK. I then told her I wanted to take it slow because I didnt know what I felt anymore, which was partly true but also partly not true. She agreed. I then asked her to do something and she said she was busy and maybe next week. So i said that was fine.

 

Then the next night she starts talking about that other guy and how it hurt when they broke up. I immediatley stopped talking to her on the phone and told her i was uncomfortable, she kept asking why and I told her I just was. I felt so sick, why was she hurt when they broke up but I didnt see much emotion from her when we broke up? She went to another guy right away.

 

After that I talked to her and asked her why she said she wanted to see about us the night before and now shes talking about the other guy. She said she doesnt know and that she doesnt know if shes hiding feelings for me, that she was sorry she brought up the other guy. I didnt know what to think, I felt like it was two opposite conversations I had. Then I asked her again about seeing each other, i wanted to know a day, and she got mad with me and said she didnt know it was too far off, she only wanted to have lunch and that it wouldnt be long, that I wasnt gonna hang out with her after. I felt hurt by that, but I just said simply, who mentioned anything about hanging out after? And then I just left it like that. I felt like I had pushed her away and I felt like an idiot afterwards.

 

Then came the conversation when I told her that a certain day wouldnt be good and she blew up at me for making plans that day. I reminded her she wouldnt committ to me and she said I never asked. I was so in disbelief at her but I just said fine I'll see if i can make time then. after this i felt horrible I felt like the meeting would never happen and things would be done completley, I had screwed up again.

 

I went NC and to my surprise she called me a few days later and told me to call her back, that we didnt have to meet that day, we could meet the day before since it would be better for me. So i called her back to let her know and the conversation actually went well, it was like our old conversations were, playful, light and about nothing at all. I felt good about it, at the same time though it made me yearn for her more.

 

Then the meeting happened and like I told you it was hot and cold like yours. The last words I spoke to her were. I Miss you, and she responded to me with I miss you too. This is day 2 of NC and I realize i'm happy that those are the final words she has in her mind, the final thing she remembers of me are our day out, and the last thing we did was hug and exchange i miss yous. I'm pretty happy to have that as the last thing we said or did.

 

Now i'm just waiting, its killing me but im waiting, waiting for her to call. I get disapointed when she doesnt, I worry just like you that she hated the day we had together, she doesnt care, she saw me and realized it would never happen again, shes out with other guys, all the same things. I hate it but I have to stop myself and tell myself that I'm me and that I have to let her come back to me, the other way around didnt work so this is my only shot.

 

Keep me updated andrew and post whatever your feeling here its good to get it out.

[andrew05151]

oh god. I just had confirmation. She was with him, and he is giving her a 1 on 1 ride home right now. And, toi make it worse...that ride should have been done about 15 minutes ago. What are they doing?! GOD. I cant play it cool anymore, guys. I can't do that. No way. I am going to have to ask. I need to see if she will lie to me. This is too much for me to take. I am breaking down right now. I am sick. I can't move. I am dying here.

[iceman85]

I'm so sorry she saw the other guy but Andrew she says she loves you and all. You have to believe her, unfourtantley shes just gonna see you as someone whos needy, clinging on to her and whos obsessed with her. I hate that your in that position because its really tough. Let me know what you ended up doing and how it turned out.

[saltwatergirl]

oh god. I just had confirmation. She was with him, and he is giving her a 1 on 1 ride home right now. And, toi make it worse...that ride should have been done about 15 minutes ago. What are they doing?! GOD. I cant play it cool anymore, guys. I can't do that. No way. I am going to have to ask. I need to see if she will lie to me. This is too much for me to take. I am breaking down right now. I am sick. I can't move. I am dying here.

 

Well? What happened?

 

Confirmation? Are you sure? IF you have confirmed that she was in fact out with another guy, then I'm going to jump on the bandwagon with texasman here, go NC totally.

 

Iceman, I don't think he needs to just "trust her".....she can't just say " i love you" at night and be out with another guy the next day. That is not okay! You can't blindly follow words and ignore actions.

No No No, i think he needs to cowboy up here.

 

She's playing games with your heart here. Not good. Don't let her do this to you. If she is out with someone else, talking to someone else, and lying to you about it all, you must disengage immediately. Do NOT let her start treating you like a dog.

 

Salt

[Netguy]

oh god. I just had confirmation. She was with him, and he is giving her a 1 on 1 ride home right now. And, toi make it worse...that ride should have been done about 15 minutes ago. What are they doing?! GOD. I cant play it cool anymore, guys. I can't do that. No way. I am going to have to ask. I need to see if she will lie to me. This is too much for me to take. I am breaking down right now. I am sick. I can't move. I am dying here.

 

Carefull with this. Im not sure what your confirmation was, but unless it's 100%, dont jump to conclusions. This is something I know about first hand. Accusing someone unjustly, or constantly questioning someone is a quick to end any relationship. I know exactly how you feel. This feeling can be paralyzing. But, if you dont know for sure, dont assume.

[saltwatergirl]

True, but the only 100% is walking in on someone (god forbid). Well,that or having the guilty party cop to it (not likely). Other than that, you can only go by circumstantial evidence, past history, reliable sources, and your own gut instincts. If all four are in place, I call it.

 

Where there's smoke, there's fire. No?

 

Salt

[iceman85]

If you feel like shes playing you then call her on it. If your wrong your dead, if your right then your right. Just know nothing good can come from this.

[Netguy]

True, but circumstantial evidence is subject to just that, circumstance. Ive been on both sides of this issue. Ive been wrongfully accused(due to circumstatial evidence) and Ive done alot of wrongful accusing(due to the same thing). I possibly lost the best woman Ive ever known because of wrongfully accusing her one too many times, so I may be a little skiddish when it comes to this subject. It comes down to what you're scared of most. I finally figured out that what scared me the most was my ego. How foolish I would look and feel if I was being cheated on.That's what worried me the most. So, once I thought it was happening, I let it all out. Not a good idea. That's why I asked about the confirmation. I would definitely ask her about it. If she denies it, I would tell her what you know, and how you know it. From my own experience, most cheaters dont put up much of a fight once their caught, except when a marriage is at stake. You obviously didnt mean much to them, and they obviously have no trouble finding someone else. So, it's not a big a deal to them.

[saltwatergirl]

Just know nothing good can come from this.

 

No longer being played is good.

 

IF, and that is a big IF, she really is out with this guy. I wish he'd show up and continue the saga, since we are all vicariously involved now. Don't you hate it when we talk about you like you aren't even here!!!

 

Salt

[andrew05151]

Hey everyone...

 

It's over. She came back to leave me a message on AIM saying she doesnt feel it anymore, that she loves me but we have to accept that its over.

 

Im so sick. I dont know what to do now. I just hate everything, again. Im worse than when I started. I deleted her from my online messengers, and am in NC. Trying to heal. To forget...

 

She made my world so amazing, she made me so strong. Im so broken and empty, now. This pain is so intense. I want to die, to dissappear.

 

We had such a wonderful night, I can't believe it. She seemed to be having a great time. This is so disgusting. Love doesn't exist. Everything is a lie. I hope I die.

[iceman85]

I'm so sorry Andrew. I know how you feel and its awful. Do your best to get over that pain, go out and do something as hard as that may be, go out with friends it will go a long way.

 

As what to do with this ex, I honestly don't know. She came back to you after 5 days. As many said before here that was way too short, nothing was going to change in 5 days.

 

What is intresting is that she said she still had feelings for her ex, but they werent as strong as with you, and then she wanted you back. I think this girl is very confused. If she didnt feel for you at all why would she have come back?

 

Honestly just go into NC, try and forget about her even though I know you probably wont. Just wait until this guy hurts her, I have a feeling I know where she'll turn. I forget if I know this fact or not but are you guys each other's pretty much each other's first serious relationship?

 

If so then she probably wants to be with other people and experience life.

One thing that really hits home for me is that she feels like she alienated her friends. That happened in my case on both sides, we gave each other our total selves and alienated our friends. That wasnt good at all and eventually my gf picked her friends over me and that really hurt.

 

Going through the whole thread I noticed that when you were together you gave her things like massages and tickles and all of that. While thats good and you hoped she felt something it would have been better had she initiated that. When a girl wants space, something that simple can be an invasion of that to them. She didnt ask for space from you perse, but her actions indicated to me that she wanted it.

 

I know how hard it is to be out with them and they dont want anything to do with you physically like they used to, and it feels so wrong and you just want to wrap your arms around them, but its not what they want, when they want it thats when it can happen.

 

I'm dying here because today is day 3 of NC after my meeting and I have all these bad thoughts running through my head, wondering why she hasnt contacted me, but i'm staying strong even though its the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

 

So Andrew in short, i'd say go into NC, try your best to stay busy and not think about her. I have a gut feeling that you havent heard the last from her, I dont think she knows what she wants. She probably thinks this new guy is great, fun and exciting. Every new person is that at first, but what matters most what comes after that, and im sure this guy couldnt hold a candle to what you guys had. Try to forget about her, go into NC and work on yourself. If she does come back down the line you'll be in a much better place.