Finding the "Real Thing" ?

[Derek]

How long should I wait for the "chemistry" to happen?

 

So I'm been out with a nice girl four times, we've probably spent almost 20 hours together. We've made dinner together. We've done the typical restaurant/movie thing too. We've done outdoorsy things together.

 

I'm trying to be more "open to possibilities" than I have been before. i.e. I'm not dismissing someone because they were missing one item on the proverbial checklist.

 

The "Real Thing" for me would be a partner that connects on all levels, intellectually, physically, emotionally, spiritually say.

 

Intellectually we're on the same wavelength.

We're in similar places in life, similar backgrounds. Have enough common ground. We can talk for hours just fine. We don't seem to have awkward pauses. She's almost too nice, too shy. She's almost too much like me.

 

Physically, she's attractive enough. I'm not a model so I don't expect her to be one either. I'm trying to not be superficial about looks and just let that be, and I am finding she's becoming more attractive as I know her more.

 

But...

 

My heart isn't in it.

 

I'm not finding the "click", I'm not feeling the chemistry. And I'm kinda disappointed that I'm not.

 

She deserves better than that. She deserves someone that is falling for her in every aspect. And I hate to say that so far I'm not...

 

Should I wait for my heart to catch up to my brain and my body? If so, how long? I don't want to lead anyone on. I don't wanna use anyone.

 

Doesn't she deserve someone who is sure ?

 

Can anyone be sure of a future after only a couple dates anyway?

 

How important is that spark of "chemistry" anyway?

 

 

[Relationship Coach]

You've sat through 20 hours of a chemistry class, do you have a real grasp of the subject? Give it some time and maybe as she gets to know you better things will develop.

 

RC

[friscodj]

But...

 

My heart isn't in it.

 

I'm not finding the "click", I'm not feeling the chemistry. And I'm kinda disappointed that I'm not.

 

She deserves better than that. She deserves someone that is falling for her in every aspect. And I hate to say that so far I'm not...

 

Should I wait for my heart to catch up to my brain and my body? If so, how long? I don't want to lead anyone on. I don't wanna use anyone.

 

Doesn't she deserve someone who is sure ?

 

Can anyone be sure of a future after only a couple dates anyway?

 

How important is that spark of "chemistry" anyway?

 

 

 

Oh man...

 

I was going along reading your post and thinking to myself, "OK, everything sounds great, what's the problem?" And then WHAM! Here it is...

 

Derek, I feel people often times lose sight of what relationships are all about and instead look at people as list of traits and inessense, want something instead of someone.

 

Your heart isn't in it, there's no click, no chemistry. It doesn't matter if this woman is perfect, "it" isn't there.

 

I could see if there was something there and maybe you feel that something could grow but from what you've written above, it sounds like nothing is there in the way of spark, connection, chemistry.

 

Sorry to say but this woman is not for you. You are a good man for thinking of her to cut her loose and not lead her on or use her. I applaud that... =D>

[thegirl_00]

I'm in almost the same situation you're in right now! The guy is perfect for me but it just feels like something is missing.

 

What i've decided to do is to just be his friend and not to EXPECT anything more because then you could just be setting yourself up for dissipointment.

 

You guys obvsiously hit it off as friends, so if something ends up clicking then great. If not then you've found yourself a friend, and friends are just as important

[friscodj]

You've sat through 20 hours of a chemistry class, do you have a real grasp of the subject? Give it some time and maybe as she gets to know you better things will develop.

 

RC

 

I don't know RC, if I sat through a few classes, studied, took the first exam and got every single answer wrong...I'd drop the class...

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, it sounds from the post that you simply aren't into her the way you know you want to be with someone. No chemistry. Ehh...it happens.

 

Maybe you have found a new friend, though. Nothing wrong with that.

 

I'm not expert, but I do believe in going with your gut. And I positively cringed when I read

Physically, she's attractive enough. I'm not a model so I don't expect her to be one either. I'm trying to not be superficial about looks and just let that be, and I am finding she's becoming more attractive as I know her more.

. To me, this screams I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO HER. If she could see that, it would hurt. Aye. I don't see this as a match, and there is no need to force it.

 

Good luck in your dating adventures. You're a decent dude to catch this so early, and consider her.

[need2bme]

I agree with Frisco, that you could give it some time, but as you say there is not spark. I would want to feel a spark as well.

 

If you are feeling this way now, you might let that consume you and it would not give her a fair chance. That would not be good either.

 

I should let you know that I met a girl once that annoyed the hell out of me. She was trying to be nice, but she was just bugging me. I kept ignoring her and when I finally let her in, it was cool and she was a GREAT kisser.

 

Go with your gut...

[chai714]

I despise the word chemistry because it's so misleading. It's not like this "chemistry" thing happens on its own. Rather, when people talk about "chemistry" they simply mean "what we have in common."

 

The more commong ground and the more similarities you have with another person, the more likelihood that both of you will feel "chemistry." You said you can talk for hours? That's a good thing unless it's an argument and you haven't said that you've been fighting.

 

I don't think it's the "chemistry" between you and this woman, it might be that you're not ready to date right now period. Because everything seems to click. Is there any more information available?

[Beyondthesea]

Personally first I would look inside myself and ask why I don't find her attractive. I know that each of us has a certain criteria for a mate, but some people, (like those who have been abused, abandoned, etc) normally don't find a normal relationship 'exciting' enough to be considered 'real' and often complain the chemistry is missing.

 

If you two get along so well, you find her attractive, you have similar interests, what's the problem? Do you think true love entails 'fantasy' love? Do you feel that she isn't exciting enough?

 

Just some thoughts.

[friscodj]

I despise the word chemistry because it's so misleading. It's not like this "chemistry" thing happens on its own. Rather, when people talk about "chemistry" they simply mean "what we have in common."

 

The more commong ground and the more similarities you have with another person, the more likelihood that both of you will feel "chemistry." You said you can talk for hours? That's a good thing unless it's an argument and you haven't said that you've been fighting.

 

I don't think it's the "chemistry" between you and this woman, it might be that you're not ready to date right now period. Because everything seems to click. Is there any more information available?

 

I don't know, I've met women and we shared a lot (nearly everything) in common but "nothing" was there in terms of attraction or chemistry.

 

And then two people can be really different but together work really well together, I see it all the time. Opposites that complement each other really well.

 

I think chemistry is defined as fitting on different levels, those you can identify (e.g., communication, physical interaction, etc.) and those you can't identify. Have you ever gotten into a relationship that seemed good but felt like "something was missing"? I believe that to be the chemistry that was missing. Or likewise have you ever said to yourself or each other, "Wow, I'm so amazed at how well we are able to understand each other when we communicate", or "I don't know what it is but we just really conect well when it comes to intimacy". Those are examples of communication and physical chemistry being present.

 

But the fact remains that Derek doesn't feel it. We can psychoanalyze this until we are blue in the faces and try to fit square pegs into round holes...or he can be straightforward and honest with this woman and look elsewhere for what he seeks... I'd take option 2...

[brando]

i have to agree with frisco...if the feeling isn't there then it is most likely not going to be there. It can't be forced or developed.

 

I believe we pretty much know in the beginning with the person we are dating if we are going to take steps further.

 

Id let it go , and continue dating others.

[friscodj]

You know, this situation is in many ways analagous to hoping someone comes back after a break-up. Think about it. Here, you're hoping the feelings will come. After a break-up, you're hoping the feelings (or the other person) come back.

 

Now after a break up, the hope is usually based on feelings of detachment, rejection, separation, etc. Now here, you mention there are all these commonalities between and good points about you and her but you say there is "nothing" there. If there were "something" there, I would consider that a sound basis for hopes that this thing will grow.

 

For something to grow, there needs to be a seed. I don't see a seed here bro...

[ElektraHere]

I would tell her up front because she could be "feeling" it for you. No use in misleading her. She will only get hurt.

[Cute Band Rat]

Isn't love based on friendship? Isn't there a quote that says something like: Love is friendship set on fire"...How can you say he will NEVER have feelings for her? Finding the "whole ball of wax" is practically impossible these days. I am not saying you have to settle...but how many people in their lives marry someone with every single quality they want? I would guess it's very minimal.

My question is...what "feelings" are you waiting for? Is it those butterflies and sweaty palms you get when you know you might see her? If it is...then that's fine, but certainly NOT the prerequisite for what this girl could possibly be. If you knew she were to date another guy..and dump you, would you care or be hurt?

[friscodj]

Isn't love based on friendship? Isn't there a quote that says something like: Love is friendship set on fire"...How can you say he will NEVER have feelings for her? Finding the "whole ball of wax" is practically impossible these days. I am not saying you have to settle...but how many people in their lives marry someone with every single quality they want? I would guess it's very minimal.

My question is...what "feelings" are you waiting for? Is it those butterflies and sweaty palms you get when you know you might see her? If it is...then that's fine, but certainly NOT the prerequisite for what this girl could possibly be. If you knew she were to date another guy..and dump you, would you care or be hurt?

 

When you boil it down, the outcome of everything is governed by probability. It's the same situation if someone dumps you, tells you to get lost, and doesn't return any of your phone calls. Sure, it is possible that person will have a change of heart, but certainly not probable, right?

 

Same thing here. Will feelings of romance magically come for him? Sure, it's possible, but is it likely, especially seeing as he doesn't feel anything in this way for her at this point? And should he invest time and effort and take the risk of hurting her for something that is unlikely? Especially when there are women out there who he will meet where this scenario will be more likely?

 

I think this situation can be summed up simply by saying that he just isn't into her!

 

Now I read a lot of stories on here about people "having their cake and eating it too" where person without the feelings keeps the other person around "in case" those feelings come. While this is going on, the other person is dying inside going crazy trying to figure the situation out. Is that what she is feeling? He doesn't know, but this will come out when he tells her what's going on. And even then she might hold her cards close to her chest and not reveal her feelings. So why take the risk of hurting her over something unlikely?

[trishcollins]

I just read through all the posts on this thread, and I have to agree with the ones that said if there is no "click" then "it" isn't there. Chemistry, pheramones (sp?), whatever phrase you use, it has to be there.

 

Of course, friendship is vital, and intellectual, emotional and physically connections have to be there as well. Whatever it is that makes the "spark" happen, needs to be there. I am not just talking about a sexual attraction here, but a combination of things that makes this person special to you and you to them.

 

Believe me, I have tried where there is no spark and it never works. I have also been on the receiving end of someone who tried to make it work because we were such good friends and seemingly had everything else connecting. But there was no spark for him. He said to me "something is missing and I can't put my finger on it". It was hard for me, but in the end, I don't want to be with someone who isn't head over heels for me.

 

You need the connection. Stay friends with her, but don't try to force something were nothing exists. In the end, she will respect you for it. Just be honest with her. I have always been honest about it, and people do appreciate it. I went out with a friend of a friend four or five times through Feb and March this year, and each time I really "tried" to make the spark happen, but it just wasn't there. So, I told him. And he thanked me for being honest.

 

Trish

[friscodj]

^ Listen to her...she's been there and done that...

[Relationship Coach]

Hey all I am saying is sometimes the wood has to dry before you can get a spark to ignite things. Too many times people are waiting for the instant connection and it just does not always happen that way. By all means drop her if you feel nothing for her but you may be giving up to early. How many times do you read on here about friendships which have developed in to relationships? I'm not saying to force a relationship, life is too short for that but just realize what potential may be there lurking.

 

RC

[Derek]

Thanks for the feedback everyone,

 

I had a talk with her about some of this but didn't close the door yet.

 

I am on the verge of having a "this is as far as we go" conversation with her. But I am trying to consider the possibilities that RC was getting at. Some of the best relationships start out as friendships.

 

Funny enough, she not being "clingy" or "desperate", she's being quite reasonable and realistic. It would be much easier if she was psycho. =)

 

On paper we seem to be a good combination.

 

I find it interesting that the ladies read into the "she's not a model" line that I'm not attracted to her. I am torn about that aspect too. I don't think of myself as a superficial guy. I can always find something about everyone that is attractive. But if I'm honest, the physical spark isn't there but I could still be convinced otherwise.

 

She's a bit shy, reserved, very nice, easy going. But I'm finding I'm not getting enough feedback from her. (Like she's barely flirting with me, is shy about touching me, even an arm.) Too shy, too nice.

 

 

I hate to have to compare, but I can't help but remember my previous relationship and for me everything clicked. Sadly after a few months where I thought everything was going swimmingly, she gave me the "lets just be friends" bit. I certainly do know what it was like for everything to click, but yet that one that I was "sure of" didn't work out. So maybe my people-reading skills aren't as good as I thought.

That's my dilemma.

 

We haven't gotten in too deep that I'm going to hurt many feelings, so perhaps attempting the "friendship" bit won't be too hurtful.

 

That's the way I'm leaning.

 

I don't particularly like the wishy-washy "lets be friends" stuff though, because I was the recipient of that before too.

 

Someone asked, if she were to date someone else would I be happy? If she was happy, I'd be happy for her. I care about her, but it feels more like a "brotherly" caring.

[RayKay]

While I agree that sometimes from friendship there evolves something more, I think it is important to remember that this is not exactly a case of friendship as they are dating. And while he waits to see if something sparks, she is perhaps falling harder...so what happens if that spark never happens? It's a bit different than a friendship where they just progress, when there was no expectation of that happening.

 

I think chemistry is important. On all levels. I TOTALLY agree friendship is the base of any great relationship, however even there is that "flame" that lights it on fire. I also certainly do not believe chemistry is about "having things in common". At least not in my experience. I have had chemistry with people whom were my opposites, with people whom we did share common interests, but none of them were alike. It's something in an emotional/spiritual plane that is not easily described or broken down into the "whys and hows".

 

While you may never find someone whom is "perfect" on all levels or all that you THINK you want, I think you definitely can find someone whom in their imperfections as well is perfect for YOU. Sometimes you don't realize what you really wanted all along until you find it.

 

I won't tell you what your decision SHOULD be, because ultimately you have to listen to your own heart. Maybe that spark will come in a few more dates, maybe it won't. So maybe you want to hold out. Or maybe, it just is not there, you already know it, and if your heart is not in it, what really is the point in continuing on?

 

You can get along great with someone, have a fantastic time, and want them in your life......as a friend.

[Derek]

If I look at the possibilities from what I know now,

what I see is a very "comfortable", easy going, friendship and relationship.

It would be a nice boyfriend-girlfriend time together, convenient even.

Anything beyond that is murky for me to see.

 

So I am concerned that it would be so comfortable that I'd be bored.

 

And it would be much worse for both of us to stop the train then.

 

 

 

P.S. Sometimes being honest is no fun at all. I'd have liked it to work out. I think as a poster said previously, I am hoping for "something" instead of "someone".

[jumper71]

I've been in this situation a couple of times in the past few months. It is heart wrenching in a way because you really like the person and don't want to lose the friendship, but know better than continue it and have it just hurt them worse down the line. I have been the victim of that before and it is not a nice thing to do. Everyone gets hurt no matter what we do to some degree, best to be an adult and respectful. If you really aren't feeling it, if you aren't getting turned on by her, then she would be better as a friend, but that might not be possible since you already sort of established dating. She might get mad, take a break from her, tell her you just don't want a relationship, can only be friends. One girl I still keep in touch with and we spend time together, she met someone else but still likes going out from time to time, the other hasn't returned my last email in almost 3 weeks so I guess she felt differently. Personally I would take the latter's route if I was in the same situation with a girl who told me she wasn't interested in anything more. I eventually want a LTR that will be right for the both of us, not just one of us, and I would have no hard feelings understanding that.

[Holiday]

I'm with RC! I feel like, based on what you say, that the ice isn't broken yet!

 

You probably feel like she's boring, shy, and too reserved because she's scared of coming out of her shell. Maybe she's reading you! Your nonverbal feedback is probably not that provocative either, frankly. You're not crazy about her and she's no dummy. She can read it. She's not going to touch you unless she feels she's in a safe zone.

 

I'm a crazy spontaneous girl, but when I really like someone, I'm extremely careful.

 

You are playing it way too cool and my opinion is that you need to put yourselves in a very FUN situation, frightening even, like a roller coaster or some other big-adrenaline gushing event and SEE WHERE IT GOES THEN! Try something NEW and EXCITING for BOTH OF YOU!

 

I read in National Geographic recently that events that invoke fear for some reason result in intense chemistry that keeps people together. The same can be said for new adventures. When couples go on new adventures together, then they release oxytocin (a coupling hormone). Anyway, feel free to add some corrections to my take on the article if anyone has any additional details. These were my take-homes though.

 

GOOD LUCK!

[Derek]

To RC and Caroline: Oh you romantics...

Haven't you fallen into disillusioned cynicism like the rest of the world? =)

 

I'll think about it.

 

 

Absolutely true about adventures and oxytocin, a girl (who had a boyfriend at the time but so what... and I walked through a haunted house "adventure" together, holding hands in the dark the whole time, getting spooked out by everything, we were both shaking and adrenaline was through the roof when we walked out into the sun again. It was a clear bonding experience. I get chills thinking of it now. =) Very fun.

 

The girl in question though doesn't seem to like scary movies even...

 

 

[rms8]

When I first started seeing my current love we were just friends that started hooking up after going out partying. I was reluctant to get into that situation for fear of losing him as a friend and I didn't really feel a spark either. But I continued seeing him and it grew it to the most amazing relationship of my life. I think the longest lasting relationships coming from a solid foundation of friendship and understanding. It seems like you and this girl get along really well. I think you owe it to yourself and her to stick it out for a bit and see what develops because you never know how meaningful your relationship could become.