Should I Go?

[michelle25]

For those of you who know my situation, I have stayed pretty strong up until yesterday, staying away from my (ex) boyfriend.

 

Well, I gave in for the last time on Sunday, and went over to his place to talk things out and in my head end things on a good note. That was so dumb of me I know!

 

Anyways, things were going so well, we got outside and played some sports together, sat on the bench and talked for a while, and it was really nice. He was being so sweet.

 

We go to lunch.. Long story short, I pissed him off for being indecisive, and he ends up getting mad at me and saying, "I always have to think and do everything for you and it gets so old!" He hurt me by saying that and I was sad, and he told me to 'snap out of it now or I go home."

 

The scary thing was when I was on his computer and he "playfully" hit me after I said something he didn't really like. I told him to not do that, even if it was jokingly. So, with a smile on his face, he started to get really forceful and rough with me, and I told him to stop. he was holding me with force, and hitting me, not hard, but doing it in a really weird way.

 

Eventually he just became so bossy and so cruel over every little thing he told me to get out and I left.

 

He blames it ALL on me, and is ignoring me and doesn't think his cruelty and damaging words were wrong. I left some things, a few nice clothes, a bike under $200, and maybe some other little things at his place.

 

He doesn't live around the corner either, and Im debating whether I should just leave my stuff behind and never look back at him or deal with him again. Is this stuff worth going back, even if he won't be home? I wrote him an angry email last night saying to just keep my stuff, and to s***w everything that had to do with us. I was so hurt and upset, and he hasn't even called to apologize or anything!

[Beyondthesea]

The cruelty streak came back, and from there it was donwhill. The scary thing was when I was on his computer and he "playfully" hit me after I said something he didn't really like. I told him to not do that, even if it was jokingly. So, with a smile on his face, he started to get really forceful and rough with me, and I told him to stop. It was scary, he was holding me with force, and hitting me, not hard, but doing it in a really weird way.

 

You have got to do strict no contact Michelle. You are going to get hurt!!! You are going to be mentally destroyed. Do NOT contact him anymore. You were given a small taste of what is to come if you keep this up. I have almost been killed by doing what you are doing, and don't think "it could never happen to me."

 

Going back to my abusive x was the worst thing I ever did. It was the biggest waste of time and energy of my life, and I don't doubt my soul's progression has been given a shove backwards from doing so.

 

Unfortunately you have to realize you will lose a few possessions in leaving someone like this, but that's a small price to pay vs losing your sanity or your life. I lost some of my things when I left, but you know what? You can always buy another ______.

 

Of course he hasn't phoned to apologize, in his mind he hasn't done anything wrong. He's waiting for you to crawl back and let him manipulate you more.

 

Do not contact him again. Do not call him or answer his calls. If you see him somewhere, walk the other way. Avoid him at all costs. If he begins contacting you, phone the police and have a restraining order issued.

 

Michelle, you really need to realize the severity of the situation you place yourself in whenever you speak to him or are near him.

 

Re-read that article by Dr. Joe Carver and be strong. You don't need this in your life. Life is difficult enough without dealing with someone who hates and manipulates you.

 

I'm sorry to be forceful, but I wish someone would have told me these things long ago. He does not love you Michelle, he is not the one! It's time to let him go and move on.

[robowarrior]

What you are doing is you are 'frustrating him' , now of course its inexusable if a guy hits you , even the jokingly thing is no joke. But then again its also inexusable if you 'contribute' to a situation in which you provoke someone in a situation where he wants to hit you =\ . You also have to question you own behaviour that came into play. Of course personally i think you should never go back, and just leave the stuff at his place, forget it its not worth it.

 

You know about your decision making, sometimes you have to make decisions in life, and in order to do so you have to cut some knots , you see otherwhise you keep going on in circles , in reality you want to jump out of the vicious circle and make those decisions that bring your life on a higher level. So for instance i was your bf and i asked you , do you want to marry me, and you go like ehm, well maby im not sure, i can't really make up my mind. Understand how that seriously can lead to frustration to a partner, every person wants to know where they stand in life. thereforeeee do not raise doubts, but be sure that before you step into something you know that this is what you want.

[michelle25]

Thank you Beyond the Sea,

Is it normal to be feeling so crazy and hurt right now. Im at work and just feel so much anger that he hasn't even called me or cared to apologize.

 

You are right about my stuff. I was just going to email him and say I wanted my bike back, then I saw your post. I guess I can get a new one, and going to get it would be bad, even if I made sure he wasn't home.

 

He was so cruel yesterday, and I saw a side of him I never saw, and he still blames it all on me. Will he ever see that I was such a loyal and loving gfriend to him? I tried SO hard and all the effort I put into trying with him seems so worthless in his eyes. I know I didn't deserve the abusive words and the cruelty, but why do I still feel so angry and the temptation to contact him.

 

Thanks for your response. It stopped me from contacting him again. =)

[michelle25]

Robowarrior, the things he got frustrated with were SO small. I decided I wanted to change my order, he gets mad and tells me he has to do EVERYTHING for me. Not true, he just does it when I don't even ask him to or want him to.

He yells at me for everything, if I don't do things right away or his way, im yelled at. His little "playful" hitting and being forceful yesterday did scare me, and he did it with a sneer on his face that just made me sick. I know deep down that whatever I do he will always find a problem with it...

[lunatic]

I have only one thing that I would like to add to this thread. I would kick this man to the curb and move on without your stuff. I don't think he is worth all the trouble you will have to go thru to get your stuff. I think you deserve better and I would like to add that strict NC is a must!

 

It sounds like you have some serious soul searching to do here and I think it is time you started. Have you ever thought about seeing a counselor?

 

Sorry your in so much pain Michelle but, you CAN get thru this and make him a distant memory!

 

You CAN do this and your NOT alone!

 

Hub

[Beyondthesea]

Unfortunately that is the way it is with abusive people...every thought and action they take is caused from someone else. They don't take any action to correct their mistakes or try to change, because in their minds it's everyone else's problem that they are who they are.

[michelle25]

Thanks Hub! He is not worth the trouble. He has proved it by saying and doing all those cruel things, kicking me out, then not even calling me at all. He is not worth it, neither is my stuff

Thanks for the responses! I feel better. =)

[Scout]

Michelle, I see a common theme in your posts about this man - that you "try so hard" to be a good and loyal girlfriend, and you are frustrated that it's just not making a difference.

 

I hate to say this, but there is nothing valiant about you trying so hard in this situation. Because you are doing all this for someone who is a cruel and abusive jerk - instead of for someone who is himself loyal, kind, and good.

 

You've heard the expression, "Don't cast your pearls before swine," right? That's what you're doing. And it's just such a waste, when there are actually more decent men out there than not.

 

I would really take a long inward look if I were you. Why are you so determined to be this man's punching bag, instead of putting your energies into a normal and healthy relationship?

[michelle25]

Yes, I put to much hope in him, and I keep clinging to the good moments when he is kind and shows so much affection. In all reality i know that i can have that all the time with a "normal" man.

I just kept hoping that he would see I am a good girlfriend. It won't happen, he is verbally and mentally abusive and that won't change.

I have to do something extreme now to never go back to him again.

I know many women who have left men for much less, and I want to be that strong woman again.

[blender]

Michele, honey, pleae do not pay any attention to anyone who tells you "you did something to provoke him to hit you".. there is NOTHING to excuse his "playful hitting" or any of his abusive traits... as far as him realizing you are a "good" girlfriend, he can NOT recognize this in ANYONE, he can't even see any "good" in himself deep down inside he knows this, this is HIS illness, and he projects his "self anger" onto YOU.. and you do NOT need this man in your life, it's a "habit" at this point and a bad one at that...

 

YOU are special, worthy, loving and kind, and this guy is a "lesson" of what you do NOT want in a man.... sure he's had some "good moments" but that is all they are... "moments" and you deserve more, not crumbs, but the whole cake.... or you will find yourself starving and lonely if you are to be with him... a loneliness far greater than moving on and being WITHOUT him in your life...

 

You are starting to heal, you have been given the gift of clarity yesterday, accept it, appreciate it and now act as if you are recieving this gift with gratitude and do NOT contact him,

 

one day at a time, you can do it.. for YOURSELF and without a YOU, there is no "us"... so get back to "yourself" before you lose anymore of you with this guy... ugh..

 

it's not YOU he's running from, it's "himself"... trust me and he will run and run, and run into himself over and over again and keep blaming whoever is with him for all his frustration instead of "looking at himself", it's too scary for him so he blames you and this is a never ending cycle for him,

 

but for YOU a new beginning, be strong, be confident and proud you are making a choice of NO CONTACT, and leave all your stuff behind at his place, let him stare at it, wonder, let it all go.. you have YOU and that is what you need to re-discover.. we're all here for you..

[michelle25]

blender: Thanks so much for the encouragement. I will forget about my stuff, and focus on myself now.

Those good times were just moments, because he could snap and be so cruel the next minute. I can do this, i know, I just need to forget my things, forget what he is thinking or why he doesn't care or call, and just move on!

I will post here if I get weak, but I know ultimatley what needs to happen, because he will not change and just blame it all on me.

[lunatic]

I can do this, i know, I just need to forget my things, forget what he is thinking or why he doesn't care or call, and just move on!

I will post here if I get weak, but I know ultimately what needs to happen, because he will not change and just blame it all on me.

 

Michelle that's a great attitude to take. I am happy to see your starting to realize that there are many more men out there that will adore you compared to this fool. I think you should find yourself again and concentrate on that for a while. Don't feel bad because you are being selfish because it sounds like you need it right now.

 

Keep your head up high and remember that one day your going to meet someone who will sweep you off your feet. I truly believe that there is someone out there for all of us.

 

Keep us posted on what happens and do post here when your feeling weak.

 

Be strong!

 

Hub

[michelle25]

Thanks! I believe there is that right person for everyone too if we just let it happen and not stay with the jerks. =)

[temujin]

I don't know, I believe there is always two sides to the story...

 

How did you treat him before? What was your behavior like? You said you did something to provoke him? So did you start the abuse first?

 

I was in such a similar relationship before, sometimes both of you are equally at fault in bringing out the worst behavior in each other. Doesn't matter who started it first thou, maybe it will be best to reflect and grow from this..

[temujin]

sometimes we just remember what we did right and not what we did wrong.

 

I can just bring a very simple example.

 

One of the problems that cumulated into my relationship breakdown as claimed by my ex was that I was emotionally abusive, I will walk off when she starts to cry, refusing to calm down and talk to her.

 

My side of the story was this, she frequently start all the drama in public and I did all my best to calm her down but she continued for more than 10 min, I have to chase after her, got slapped and as our relationship progressed, I finally felt that there was nothing more I could do everytime she starts her drama, I just walked off...

 

 

See 2 sides to the story... sigh..

[RayKay]

There is no excuse or justification for him beating her. Even if she did "provoke" him there just isn't. He could of walked away, told her to stop it, whatever.

 

That being said, my guess is she actually did not "provoke him" in the way some of you are assuming she may have.

 

My guess is her "provoking" was just very small things that to normal, healthy people would not be considered "provocation". That's the thing with abuse, abusees will often blame themselves for provoking, when all they did was maybe accidentally burn the meatloaf a bit. That's not provoking, that's called an accident. There is NO excuse for beating someone.

[temujin]

Sorry main point is,

 

what did you do to provoke

 

of course the physical hitting part is without doubt wrong..

[michelle25]

I was myself. To point out, I was NOT once cruel, and I can say that with all honesty. I never put him down or yelled at him, but of course I was upset and it lasted for a few minutes when he said cruel things. It hurt so I stayed upset for about 30 min. I did give him attitude sometimes, but I always apologized. Im not saying Im perfect by any means, but RayKay you are right, I did not provoke him in any way that deserved verbal abuse. He was basically asking me to be perfect, because if I did ANYHING he didn't like, he would yell at me. Sometimes he would be patient but most of the time not. I see my girlfriends and the way they act around their boyfriends and I do nothing different, in fact not too much bothers me, Im actually a chill person.

 

I wonder sometimes if it really was me, and if I was different maybe he wouldnt be so verbally abusive. I don't know, but I dont think I did anything to deserve him blowing up every time he did.

 

For example yesterday, I thought he didn't want dessert anymore, so I bought myself something, and he saw it and said "so you buy yourself something but not me, go figure." He said it with such cruelty. Then he kept telling me he was sick of this, sick of that, told me to shut up and made me leave.

[RayKay]

Michelle,

 

It did not matter whom you were, or how you acted, or anything. He is abusive, cruel and a control-freak. You, nor anyone else, would ever be "good enough" in his eyes.

 

But the truth of the matter is you ARE good enough, and you deserve much, much better.

 

Do NOT go back to this man, ever.

[michelle25]

Could it be me and im not seeing it? i know his reaction isn't right but do you think if i did something different he wouldn't react the way he did, or will he treat anyone, no matter what they are like the way he treated me.

[Beyondthesea]

It is NOT you. Although the other poster insists there are 'two sides to every story' which there is, when you are with someone abusive, the only story they know is their own.

 

YOU made me mad.

YOU made me act out.

YOU made me hit you.

HE/SHE made me get angry because HE/SHE pushed my buttons.

 

There is never a situation they can't blame someone else for.

 

No matter what you do or don't do, no matter how you are or are not, no matter how you treat him, he will ALWAYS be abusive to you. He is who he is, there is no changing him.

 

Don't obsess and try to work it out...I guarantee there's no point. Believe me, I tried. It's a complete waste of time. I wasted 7 years, don't be me.

 

I always tried 'something different' and he always told me "if only you did ____ I wouldn't be upset" or "if only I had _____ then I'd be happy." There is always some reason they are not happy and fulfilled...the real reason = themselves.

 

He will always react the way he does because he is abusive, period.

[michelle25]

Good, I thought so Beyondthesea, but 2 people have already suggested it may be something I did, and even being in the midst of all this, my heart is still saying that I am not perfect, but I did not deserve that treatment.

I was so cool with him through all his hard times, respected him, his privacy, took care of his place everytime he was gone, and if I said or did one thing he didn't like, he lashed out. I pointed out before that not once, and I can say this in all honesty, have I called him a name, been cruel, cussed at him.. thereforeeee I know that his reaction to my imperfections is way off base.

Thanks for encouraging me and letting me know it would never be right to go back to him.

It is like Im trying and trying over and over and it never seems enough. Awful feeling!

[Beyondthesea]

The hardest part about leaving someone abusive is the "was it me" thing, but I promise you it is not. No one who hasn't been with someone abusive could ever look me in the face and say it was my fault and live.

 

I can honestly say that I questioned myself over and over and that's what kept me there. Don't let anyone tell you it 'must have been you' because you haven't done anything wrong.

 

This scenario should help: If you reversed your roles, would you treat him the way he has you over the things he has been angry about? Would you lash out, hit him, emotionally abuse him, make him feel little and inferior over something as small as "you're so indecisive" while you're choosing your lunch at a restaurant? OF COURSE NOT. And why? Because you realize there's nothing to be upset over. It's nonesense.

 

So why is he like that? It's a learned behavior plus it's who he is inside. He will never change. I sadly believe that anyone who is abusive to others in that way will not recover, not because they are unable, but because they are just showing 'who they are inside.'

 

Psychology can change behaviors, it can't change a person's soul or personality.

[michelle25]

No, I never have and never will criticize my boyfriend of put him down for anything. If i had the urge, and I have, I walk away from the situation and return once my head is clear. He has done some nasty things, and I still have been the one to apologize, try to make things right... Maybe thats why he felt he could do so much to me, because I never yelled at him for his actions. I sure let him know that it hurt me, but in all reality every wrong move I made he was right there to yell at me or tell me to shut up...

 

I have my answers, and I will keep reading these posts over and over if he ever calls or if I have the urge to call him...