Your thoughts on this subject are desired!

[theantibarbie23]

This post is not meant as an attack on anyone, so if I hurt anyone's feelings with what I've posted here I apologize. I am just interested in other people's views on marriage and divorce in our western civilization.

 

Back in my grandparents' day, marriage vows seem to have been taken pretty seriously. Now marriage is on it's way to becoming a joke. A marriage is considered a success and gets kudos if it outlasts a gallon of milk. It seems like some people will leave their mate on the drop of a dime. No longer get goosebumps when your husband walks in the door? Dump him. Your wife gained ten pounds? Leave her. Some people don't just drop their old spouse but their entire family and act as though their own flesh and blood never existed…. How did people come to be so disposable?

 

Is it that we as a society, have become so obsessed with self-gratification that we are becoming less and less concerned with who we step on in order to achieve our desires? Is it because people are finding it easier to leave then to work out their difficulties? Have we as a whole, begun to believe that true love shouldn't take any effort in the first place?

 

I'm NOT suggesting that people should stay in a truly miserable marriage but with the sheer number of divorces in this era you really have to question how many people are putting serious effort into keeping their marriages healthy and how many just lie back and let things unravel. It really scares me.

 

Out of all the weddings I have been to in my lifetime, not a single one of those marriages have survived. If things are that bleak now, I dread to imagine how it will be when my newborn is of age.

 

I'm left to wonder if the marriage ritual itself is, in fact, going the way of the horse and buggy. It seems like it's becoming more about the piece of paper from the government than the promises made. I've been with a man for a number of years, we live together and have children together but I doubt I'd marry him, ever. Not because I don't love him but because it almost feels like I would be jinxing my relationship if I did. Anyone else feel this way?

[Jorus Cbaoth]

Most people lost touch with not only that, but strong family ties, heritage, morality, and anything old fashioned. Everything is so liberal and politically correct nowadays. I can;t give my sister a hug at work because the corporate pencil pushers think it's inappropriate. Anyway, I don't want to get off your topic. I completely agree with your assessment. It seems as if people are more concerned about prenuptial agreements, child support, alimony and material things. Hard work is becoming more and more archaic.

[annie24]

I don't think people were necessarily more devoted to each other back then, just that it wasn't socially acceptable to get divorced.

 

I guess the statistic is that half of marriages end in divorce. YET, the bright side is that half of marriages last! Don't worry about what is happening in your friends' relationships - the important thing is that you look at your own as an individual entity.

[Blue Skittles]

A lot of things have changed since our grandparents day and age. I think it all ties into the divorce rate in some way or another. For instance, back then, it was a mans job to bring home the bacon and put food on the table and the wife to stay home and take care of the home. A woman really depended on her man. She couldn't go to work. It is now socially acceptable for both partners to work and bring home money. Women don't depend on men financially so much anymore. They are a lot more independent. I think this ties into it. Also people are a lot more liberal, religion isn't that important to a lot of people anymore, and morals are definitely a lot lower.

[Beyondthesea]

Is it that we as a society, have become so obsessed with self-gratification that we are becoming less and less concerned with who we step on in order to achieve our desires? Is it because people are finding it easier to leave then to work out their difficulties? Have we as a whole, begun to believe that true love shouldn’t take any effort in the first place?

 

You've taken the words righ out of my mouth.

 

True love now = movie, fairy tale love. It's supposed to be so gratifying every moment, and our mates should treat us with such perfect love 24/7...if not drop them like a hot potato.

 

It's sad. Morals have really become a lot lower over the years, and even since I was a child they've changed drastically.

 

People believe that love is something else besides connecting to a person at the depth of the soul...it's become a game of finding the perfect fit. No problems, no effort, no disappointment.

[shes2smart]

A lot of things have changed since our grandparents day and age. I think it all ties into the divorce rate in some way or another. For instance, back then, it was a mans job to bring home the bacon and put food on the table and the wife to stay home and take care of the home. A woman really depended on her man. She couldn't go to work. It is now socially acceptable for both partners to work and bring home money. Women don't depend on men financially so much anymore. They are a lot more independent. I think this ties into it. Also people are a lot more liberal, religion isn't that important to a lot of people anymore, and morals are definitely a lot lower.

 

One major thing that has changed is the average lifespan.

 

At one point, "til death do us part" could be as little as 5-7 years due to the early death of a spouse. It wasn't all that long ago that someone my age (42) was considered "old."

 

More women died in childbirth. Prior to the advent of antibiotics and other drugs, diseases that are easily cured or managed now were killers.

 

Better nutrition has increased the lifespan compared to 100 years ago.

 

The types of jobs most people have now are safer than even 50 years ago.

 

So when you try to compare "lifelong" marriages, you need to find some way to equal out the life span of 2 very different generations and periods of time in history.

[Daddy Bear]

back in my grandparents' day, women were obligated to mate over and over with someone they may have lost all feeling for. putting myself in their shoes, i think divorce would be a much better thing.

[nottoogreen]

Been married twice, the first time she could not have kids, refused to adopt, drifted into depression and became a monk in a Buddhist temple. The 2nd time with 3 kids (1 she made with a fling). Oh was that terrible after I married her after being together for two years 21 days waiting for the first divorce. She thought she chained me to herself.

 

People think marriage makes a difference, I am sure it does, but for the negative in our modern society because people do not care about rules anymore. Chains are destined to be broken (should add that to my sig)

 

I think it does work better to just stay together and love each other.

 

Here is a post just made on the topic of Genuine Love:

[annie24]

I agree with s2s! lifespans were a lot shorter, and like slightlybent said, you were stuck with that person, and divorce would have probably been preferable.

 

my grandparents were together for 60 years when he died. they slept in separate bedrooms. there were rumors that he was cheating on her during the years they were apart during WWII. In all honesty, my grandmother seem sooo much happier once he died. She never really talked about him again.

[kuhl282000]

Great Subject

 

Well as sad is it may seem, I think you hit the nail right on the head. If I'm not mistaken the divorce rate it up in the 70% rate. Self gratifacation would seem to me to be a serious part of the problem. I know a friend of mine who's wife divorced him because he kept squeezing the toothpaste from the top and that is no joke. Today he can laugh about it ...........

 

I to am in a relationship that I really believe that I will more than likely never marry this person. And on because, why ruin a good thing we both have going and are just fine the way it is. When I even thing about the word marry in modern age I can only "GULP" ......gulp, gulp.

 

I this love is a wonderful thing that has magic involved along with special powers that make us all do crazy things when thinking of another. But over time seems to wear into something completely different I'll never be able to explain in a post. I have very strong convictions that you either work towards getting closer to you're soulmate or you drift apart. And when that happen's well then you leave yourself open for just about anything. I don't thing their are any real clear answers to you're post except to the fact that you are a person of you're word.

 

Because after all our word is all we really have. When love is involved, I believe you have to be like the little brave squirell way up high in the big oak tree. You have to get way out their on that skinny little limb. Now that takes guts. And we have to do that everyday in the name of love if we are to get closer to anyone. And if we fall, it is gonna hurt real bad.

So for me its a risk reward thing. Do we want to go to our graves and never experience true love ? So do I have known, the sad souls and unlucky ones. I'm we are the lucky ones we experience love to the fullest, and if we fail (we never do) we just don't get it right the first time. Then WOW ! We are loved, and if we get hurt, we pick ourselves up by our bootstrapes and we dust ourselves off. And we try again.

 

Thank You for you're post, it sure makes you think.

 

Warm Regards

Kuhl

[Mavh25]

I agree with the poster, i will never get married i dont think because it just doesnt mean as much to alot of people as it used to, and also the fact of how my mums marriages went. Nothings against my mum, just the men she was with, om not basing my future around it, but i just dont see it happening for me

[theantibarbie23]

I know that self-absorbtion has to be a part of the equation. There are too many people that get a divorce and then ignore the children they had from the marriage for this not to be so.

 

My poor three year old nephew is going through this right now. His deadbeat father hasn't come to see him or so much as called him since the divorce was final. Before they split up, he spent a lot of time with my nephew on a daily basis. This little boy is so heartbroken and confused that it tears me up inside. How can someone dismiss thier own child?

 

If he's going to pull this crap, I just hope he has the decency to stay gone and not show up years from now for a visit or two. He's done enough damage to his child.

[assumeLove]

The likelihood that any couple will divorce depends on a bunch of things, including how much they've learned (those who marry younger divorce more) and whether the people in their lives support marriage. Living together instead of marrying prevents divorce, but increases the chances you'll split up.

 

A lot of us, myself included, don't learn how to live up to our commitment to love and be loved by another human being until we've royally screwed up our first marriage or long-term relationship. Our kids end up paying for our learning. Marriage education is becoming much more available and effective, and it helps many couples, married or not, learn before it's too late.

 

Marriage, I've learned, is about your relationship to the outside world. Are you two individuals whose self-interests come first (unmarried), or are you two a partnership that has sought the community's protection from the things that would push you apart (married)? When you complain about your partner, should we help you find your way back to feeling loved and safe together or should we help you move on?

 

When one of you needs serious medical care or dies, should we treat the other one as your closest family member who deserves to be with you or not? When we decide how much you can afford to pony up as your share of the national budget, should we treat the two of you as one financial unit or two?

 

When we're interested in sex with one of you, are you socially off-limits or should we ask? When you participate in your partner's family events, should they treat you as permanent family or temporary guest?

 

Getting married answers all those questions, or at least it should, and it can greatly simplify life and support both of you in your intention to grow this relationship into a rich, loving, lifelong bond.

[onmyownagain]

Another problem these days, woman and men go out with friends to bars/nightclubs and leave their partners at home.

 

They then find themselves in a position where they are getting lots of attention from members of the opposite sex which seems exciting compared to the boring partner at home looking after the children.

[theantibarbie23]

They then find themselves in a position where they are getting lots of attention from members of the opposite sex which seems exciting compared to the boring partner at home looking after the children.

 

but... don't we as intelligent creatures know that relationships aren't exciting forever and change into something more familiar and comfortable then new and exciting. I mean, it's pretty common knowledge.

 

If someone wants constant excitement and butterflies, they should be smart enough not to get married in the first place. Some people can hold onto those feelings for awhile but, after 50 years together, I wouldn't be expecting it.

[onmyownagain]

Hi theantibarbie23,

 

My point is that this didn't happen so much to the older generations but is common nowadays.

 

People say couples need their own space and to do their own thing. This didn't happen so much in the past.

[RayKay]

I agree with some of the other posters comments that while divorce may be higher now, this is also in large part due to it being more socially acceptable, due to having no contest divorces and due to many other social changes.

 

I like Annie, know many elderly people whom have been together for years. While some of them are those cute little old couples you see holding hands all the time and acting like teenagers in puppy love, a great number of them are together only because they think it is what to do. I know many older couples where affairs were frequent, and resentment high.

 

But, back then, women were more dependent on their partners, for themselves and their children. There were limited opportunities. Many did not go to college/university. There was a MUCH higher stigma towards divorcees. Often both partners needed to agree to divorce. So, even if the marriage was abusive, there were affairs, or just resentment, often people stayed together.

 

My boyfriend's parents for example are in their 60's and 70's, and got married when they were in their 30's and my boyfriend was born not long after (shotgun wedding!). I think they are both great parents (4 children), but they sleep in separate rooms, they don't seem to be very good friends, or partners in most respects. They talk, but they don't seem very close. I know my boyfriend has expressed he actually feels bad for his mom, because just of some of the expectations his dad placed on them. I guess I don't see a lot of love there. But they stay together, because they don't know anything else, they don't have much money (farming family). I don't think they are a bad couple by any means, but I think their marriage is very much of habit rather than love.

 

My mother and father on the otherhand, had a 8 year marriage, where there were repeated affairs on my father's part. They divorced, and both moved on. My father remarried to his mistress, they have been together since (20 years later) and my mother met my stepfather (common law) and they have also been together 20 years now (though did not marry by choice they are 100% loyal to each other and a great role model for me of what I believe marriage is about). I also firmly believe because of what I have seen with my mother/stepfather that marriage is something that is made in the heart and mind, not by the ceremony or paper. You can be married long before you ever walk down the aisle. You can never be "married" in the same sense, even if legally you are married.

 

I don't expect butterflies for the rest of my life, but I also don't think you should forfeit that the are gone forever either. Relationships, love, takes effort. Love is action, as much as it is feeling. As a couple, it is important to share not only the same goals and similar values, but also to both share the commitment and desire to work together to build your relationship, your life together. I know that excitment can still be there after many, many years - I have seen it! Marriage is what you as a couple make of it, and define it. It does not mean you surrender your individuality automatically, it does not mean your future is devoted to laundry and diapers. It is what you as a couple create and decide it will be. It is YOUR partnership. You can love, and be in love, for the rest of your lives. You can fall in love over again every day. However, it is not something that will happen if you lose touch with each other, forget whom each other are, forget to nourish your relationship and love. So even with the divorce rates, it is not something that turns me away from marriage. In fact, I very, very much want to marry my partner, though it is not necessary to define what we are as a couple. In my heart, I already am married to him.

[lanty3]

hi,i`ve thought about this too. i believe that for the past couple of generations people in this society have been thinking mainly of "thier" happiness,"thier" needs and what "they" get out of the relationship. they forget that marriage is a two-way street and takes work. i think of marriage as a triangle;the two people and the idea or concept of marriage. actually more like a cycle;the three go around and around and if one gets "too much" attention ,that`s what causes the problems and stops the cycle.

as for the older generations ,while a great many of them took thier vows more seriously there were many who remained married due to societal pressures.this was an especially bad situation for the women.

[Hardrock]

People are just soo selfish nowadays. They only think of themselves, what They can get, and what They want. That is 99% of the reason divorces rates are so high. People today have forgotten what it means to have nothing, and turn yourself into something. We expect to have everything handed to us without any work. Those are just some the things I see has changed for the worse over time. Of course there are a lot more people in the world, so that means : more problems, more selfishness, etc.