kickedwhereithurts Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 Romi, This thread is good for us all. First have a hug Then keep repeating to yourself: "He is not who I want as He did this to me" "He is NO longer who I wished him to be" Working for me today now big time Link to comment
Rainz Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 I understand your perspective totally, and I agree. How much more character building, growth and evolving do I need? I already feel that I've been through much more the most that I come accross in peer group as it is. thereforeeee being more evolved, more emotionally developed, having more insights, thus in some ways making it harder to "connect" with some, because when they have not been where you're at. They can't relate to or understand your point of view. Sometimes I think I "know" too much! Even with this most recent break up, if I had "dumbed" down and kept my trap shut about the things that were niggling me, he and I would still probably be together now. But because it was beyond him or he couldn't deal with it, his only conclusion was that it had to end. I agree it does get harder to find "the one" the older you get, and takes more time. I'm feeling better this afternoon, feeling stronger and more optimistic at this present moment, after yet another 2 hour conversation to a most trusted, understanding and non judgmental guy friend of mine. Hang in there, it can't get any worse, can it?? Link to comment
searching1951 Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 I haven't read all of this thread, so I don't know how long an NC people have achieved in here, but I thought I jump in. She summarily dumped me 10 weeks ago after a 4 year relationship, without so much as a "good-bye." Just went silent..no calls, emails, no answers, no returns. Then 2 weeks later I found out from someone else that she is getting married to an older guy, previous long term relationship, whom she never really let go of (just maintained "friendship" with throughout our relationship). In retrospect he was always there in some form..she always compared me to him (favorably, I thought). I never should have ler myself fall for this woman..a hard core alcoholic and nicotine addict and very unstable history of behavior, but it felt soooo good. I thought we were truly meant for each other and inseparable. It is now 6 weeks of total NC. It is still hard, but getting better. I guess I know intellectually that I don't want her in my life (her bad habits were becoming mine..I neede to escape for my own health), but the heart does not follow easily. I don't doubt that I will continue..this is absolute NC forever in my mind. I should say that NC only works for me if absolutely do not drink..one glass of wine (had several last night at my daughter's graduation celebration) will set me back the next day. After a few days on the wagon I was feeling really good about my progress, but have a sad and eery anxiety this morning. NC is the least bad of a set of choices. It really is the only sensible choice. Life sucks in intervals, but we do get back. The true love we are seeking has to be put on hold until we do..we have to love ourselves first, as trite as that may sound. Link to comment
kickedwhereithurts Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 Cool ....nope it cant get any worse.....if nothing else, you and I will be very wise single old gits! However, ya know what you said about if you'd "dumbed down" you'd probably still be together now...well maybe, but it would have ended up the same because you were having to do something that you really shouldnt have to do and that would have ended up as pent up anger within you. If we feel like we are at a point of not needing more character building then we certainly dont need to.....I know I have fantastic character, usually!!,...its just not "out there" at the moment due to the way I've been feeling, but I know deep down its still there, under everything....I know because some of my better days, its back as was. My friends hate seeing me like this and so do I now. With all the ups and downs of recent days, I too am also feeling much better this afternoon, woke up better too! I don't know if the nearly hourly changes of mood over the last few days is a sign that I am struggling to let go and fighting with it?....I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, focusing on points that before I almost refused to even see due to my feelings for her and having her on a pedestal....well you know what?...I burnt the effin pedestal now an now shes not seeming so great any more!!!...amazing for the first time I'm starting to dislike her, I feel stupid for how I've been and amazed I have said sorry to her for how I have acted ( a couple of messages trying to understand!) ME!!!..ME!!!...WHY THE HELL HAVE I BEEN APPOLOGISING?....I did nothing wrong!...Jeez, she should be appologising to me! She is also THE MOST SINGLE STUPID FEMALE on the face of the planet to throw what we had between us away and lose me!....one day, in her "eternal quest" she will realise this and I'll be laughing If I ever get down later or tomorrow, I'll be reading this again to remind myself of what I'm focusing on now to keep me feeling this good. There is hope for us all. Link to comment
Rainz Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 Good for you, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I took him off his pedestal already, I understand when you feel dislike and what not towards them. Right from the off when we broke up, and things had gotten quite heated between us. I remember saying to him I feel sorry for you more than I feel sorry for myself. He's too "tunnel-visioned" to see what he's thrown away, even my friend immediately at the time said to me how could he be so stupid? What an idiot? That they wish they could sit him down and talk to him and tell him that he's made perhaps the worst decision ever in his life. Sometimes I just look at it objectively and just want to shake my head. AS I say to my girlfriends, he has to see it and realise it for himself, and if he has not already realised in time he will. I think about the extreme moods swings, whether that's a sign that your really "purging" the whole thing out your system so it manifests as extreme moodiness. And going from rage, to despair, to hurt, to anger, to crying to missing them and back again. Keep hanging in there! How are all the other NC'ers doing today? Link to comment
Romi Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 Kickedwhereithurts, Pabloblack and Notanymore, thank you so much for your words. Its really helpful to read this. I'm at work right now trying to put my head in other things than him.. I still didn't break the NC and I don't want to. Thank you all! Romi Link to comment
jue Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 im just starting my 5th wk without him, i have seen him 3 times and u no that hurts more and we have been txting.. he left me for someone else after 11yrs. he been with her 3month.. tonite.after crying which i dont do as much as i did. i have decided not to txt him or see him.. i just hope i dont regret it in morning.. but it hurts he came last time to collect his things stayed 20 mins then it broke my heart when he left cos i knew he was going to be with her. he says he thinks bout me daily and sometimes misses me..yeah right! he as told me he loves her but still cares about me.. please!!!! so i am jumping on this band wagon.. and im gonna wash that man right out of my hair. Link to comment
kickedwhereithurts Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 Thought I'd leave this until I go to bed, as with my moods recently, I never know how I'll be feeling from one hour to the next. However, DAY 4 NC after nearly 2 months split and breaking a 3 week NC 4 days ago! Major turning point for me today, I have not cried once today, first day since the split that this has happened and above all, still focused and remaining positive ....lets hope I can hang this out tomorrow also, cos if I do, then I know pretty much I'm on my way back to being my old self again! Need to keep this positive mental attitude. Link to comment
alteer Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 I'm back on day 2. Yes I broke, but don't regret it at all. It was a turning point. Haven't been upset at all for the past couple of days. And have even stopped thinking about him constantly. I finally realised that it's just not my problem. It's his. And why should I be suffering because he is a jerk?!! Good luck to everyone.....*sending each one of you a big hug* Hang in there!! Link to comment
notanymore Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 hi all day 16 for me NC continues,am feeling much better now , was really disgusted yesterday,realised it was jst a state of mind,if i let myself suffer, i would suffer,so i put a fake smile on my face, which made others at work smile back at me and my fake smile turned real .however ridiculous it may sound but it has really uplifted my mood. rainz. no , it cant get worse than this.you ll be out of it in no time kickedwhereithurts.glad to kno u r recovering,thigs will be fine, have faith and they sure will romi are all here for each other,keep up with NC alteer of all thnx for all the hugs, i needed that , looks by ur post that u have turned a page, really happy for u jue to the NC bandwagon,think positive, u ll get thru these bad times in no time pablovblack , keep urself strong mate, i kno its difficult when ur ex is close to ur place and u cant avoid seeing her,keep it goin,hang in there,think positive whenever u feel down. folks i thank u all once again for giving me faith and helping me back on the road to recovery,was suicidal yesterday, feel like i m born again today. its a great day.a bigggg hug to you all keep up NC cheers Link to comment
pablovblack Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 Day 7 I actually didnt feel too bad this morning which is not normal, its the first morning I woke up without feeling so very depressed, still wanting her here though, she was my everything. Got to be strong, everyone hang in there. Link to comment
notanymore Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 Day 7 I actually didnt feel too bad this morning which is not normal, its the first morning I woke up without feeling so very depressed, still wanting her here though, she was my everything. Got to be strong, everyone hang in there. hey pablovblack mornings are a tough time, if u woke up feelin better, this implies that u are healing,NC is workin for u, try n get her out of ur system,i kno the thought of wanting her lingers, i still get my blues even though i havent seen her for almost 2 months,have faith, u ll do great.take care Link to comment
Rainz Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 Pablo, Kicked, Romi, Alteer, Notanymore and all other fellow NC'ers morning and hugs to you all. Day 10. I'm so so today, not quite up but not quite down sort of neutral right now, but getting on. After today it will be a record, as 10 days is the longest time that we've gone without any contact at all. It's a delicate milestone. I'm at work today, so that's an improvement on yesterday. Still not sleeping through the night, and haven't been since going NC. Link to comment
pablovblack Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 hey pablovblack mornings are a tough time, if u woke up feelin better, this implies that u are healing,NC is workin for u, try n get her out of ur system,i kno the thought of wanting her lingers, i still get my blues even though i havent seen her for almost 2 months,have faith, u ll do great.take care Yeah I thought wow maybe I am getting a bit better, which is a good thing because I dont want to feel like this anymore its awful.... But I have started thinking these things, The longer Im away from her the more I cant help but feel that its a shame we broke up, becuase you no longer feel any kind of pain or resentment, I cant help feel that shes thinking the same, that the more she doesnt see or hear from me the more she will miss and perhaps wish she had me in her life still. I was thinking about doing the following, and any insight or views are welcomed... Maybe in a couple of weeks when its been about 3 weeks NC since I contacted her via letter and about 2 months since we broke up, I might ask to see her simply to return her things that I have of hers at my house, then also in the nicest way ask her how she is and everything and also just for my own sanity and to surely know if theres nothing more I can do, see if she still loves me (which im sure she will) and then ask her if she might consider going out for a fun day sometime or even for a coffee or something. What do you think, or should I just not bother at all, I really think though she might come round given this space and time she has had. Link to comment
notanymore Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 rainz u r right, its difficult to sleep peacefully,i still wake up on a lot of occasions during the night,though i m glad the frequency is coming down . being neutral is a start,its a step towards goin positive,you ll do well,be strong and continue with NC,take care Link to comment
kickedwhereithurts Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 I was thinking about doing the following, and any insight or views are welcomed... Maybe in a couple of weeks when its been about 3 weeks NC since I contacted her via letter and about 2 months since we broke up, I might ask to see her simply to return her things that I have of hers at my house, then also in the nicest way ask her how she is and everything and also just for my own sanity and to surely know if theres nothing more I can do, see if she still loves me (which im sure she will) and then ask her if she might consider going out for a fun day sometime or even for a coffee or something. What do you think, or should I just not bother at all, I really think though she might come round given this space and time she has had. I know where your coming from with this, but I would not advise it. I have just done exactly the same, 2 months split, last contact was over 3 weeks ago and decided to break NC again a few days ago...to be ignored again. Mate, if your planning anything like this then your only going to be clinging onto some small dangle of hope until you do it, thats not good for you. Plan to do nothing other than let it all go, then see how you feel a few months from now. Living in hope is no good, your not moving on while your hoping for things to change. Let it go, move forwards, then anything that happens from then on is a bonus. Link to comment
pablovblack Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 I know where your coming from with this, but I would not advise it. I have just done exactly the same, 2 months split, last contact was over 3 weeks ago and decided to break NC again a few days ago...to be ignored again. Mate, if your planning anything like this then your only going to be clinging onto some small dangle of hope until you do it, thats not good for you. Plan to do nothing other than let it all go, then see how you feel a few months from now. Living in hope is no good, your not moving on while your hoping for things to change. Let it go, move forwards, then anything that happens from then on is a bonus. Yeah I know what your saying, it makes total sense, but It's so hard because I feel like she might want to give it another go.. Ill leave it then I think. Cheers Link to comment
kickedwhereithurts Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 Yeah I know what your saying, it makes total sense, but It's so hard because I feel like she might want to give it another go.. Ill leave it then I think. Cheers Its how I felt to. Believe me, if she wants to give it another go, she WILL get in touch with you. Link to comment
notanymore Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 hey pablovblack i totally agree with kickedwhereithurts. dont have false hopes of a miracle,if it works out, well n good , otherwise it will be a setback to ur healing process.hang in there dude, we are ll there for u. Link to comment
alteer Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 hi all day 16 for me yesterday,realised it was jst a state of mind,if i let myself suffer, i would suffer,so i put a fake smile on my face, which made others at work smile back at me and my fake smile turned real .however ridiculous it may sound but it has really uplifted my mood. All NC'ers take note of this. This is exactly what I have been doing lately. Smiling even if you don't feel like it It really does help and you kind off surprise yourself that you don't have to fake it once you start. I have also been doing something else........something I did during a seriously rough patch in my life and it helped me through........so I started doing it again. I'm the queen of quotes and I used to hang them everywhere to make myself feel better. So I'm going to post a new quote everyday.........hopefully they will help you too. Ok now this quote has helped me a lot My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny. -Elaine Maxwell Hugs to everyone and hang in there it will get better......I promise. - oh and notanymore.....I'm glad to see you are ok. Link to comment
Rainz Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 This is exactly what I have been doing lately. Smiling even if you don't feel like it It really does help and you kind off surprise yourself that you don't have to fake it once you start. quote] Thank-you, I'm trying so hard to keep going right now, I feel so riddled with pain right now that I don't even have the energy to force it. Not saying that I don't know or realise the benefit in faking it. Thanks for the quote. Link to comment
alteer Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 Hang in there Rainz. Your doing great, keep it up....... Link to comment
Rainz Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 Hang in there Rainz. Your doing great, keep it up....... Thank-you Alteer, I can that I most certainly don't feel great, I even feel like I'm going backwards in all honesty. I'm sitting here struggling through my work day with "the mask" on. However inside I am all over the place, I can just feel a big aching ball of pain lodged in my stomach like a pit, and it's just there and that's that. I just really want to go home, have my bath and just get into my bed and mope it out. Link to comment
Romi Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 As you know I was a complete mess yesterday. Today is worse. I'm feeling really lonely and I'm afraid to stay single forever, not because I don't feel atractive or don't have any other mans that wants to go out with me but I feel that i will never going to meet someone like him. It's really crazy because he hurt me so bad, but I can't stop thinking of him.. Here in Argentina, I have not 2 but 13 close couples that been together for years, then they broke up and now they are together again. They are about to get married or with childrens or living together... They been separated for 7 months to a year and then the person that was responsible for the breaking up came back and after beggin A LOT, they got back together. Now they are really happy couples. Only one coupple split after this). In some cases, the split was because there was another woman/men. Sometimes not. That gave me hope in the past, but I don't think that hope was helping me to move on. It was a setback to my healing process. Also I think that if our exes are coming back, they have to do it because they want to and not because we ask them out or something like that. (this is an andvise to Pablovblack). All the 13 couples that got back togheter was because the dumper came back. They realice that they miss their old partners, and they came back. In the mean time you have to heal and learn to love yourself. Learn to see what went wrong in your relationship. If she/he really loves you in the past, then maybe they will be back. If they won't, we all know that there's someone out there for us that will love us and will make us happy. right? Hugs people and for all the NCers have a nice day and keep with NC! It's the best for all of us... (Sorry for my bad inglish but here in Argentina we speak spanish) Romi PS: Notanymore, thanks for been there Link to comment
alteer Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 That gave me hope in the past, but I don't think that hope was helping me to move on. It was a setback to my healing process. In the mean time you have to heal and learn to love yourself. Learn to see what went wrong in your relationship. If she/he really loves you in the past, then maybe they will be back. If they won't, we all know that there's someone out there for us that will love us and will make us happy. right? Hugs people and for all the NCers have a nice day and keep with NC! It's the best for all of us... Romi you are right about 'hope' being a set back to the healing process. I carried a lot of hope with me for the first few weeks. But then I thought, 'this really isn't helping me' so I made myself come to terms with the fact that it was over. I had to do this for myself in order to move on. Letting go is really hard. But it's the only way. When I had done this I felt a tremendous improvement in my state of mind. I try to keep this in my mind - 'what's meant to be will be'. I believe there is someone out there for all of us. And Romi, I have also thought 'omg I'm getting older and I'm never going to find anyone who truly loves me'. But everytime I get that thought in my head I have to stop myself. Our minds can be our own worst enemy....... Hang in there Romi. ((((hugs)))) Link to comment
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